140 Months

      The other day I had a friend venting to me all about her teenage daughter. Their unsuccessful shopping experience, reading books that are too "old" for her, and websites she should not be on were on her list. She said "Be glad you get to "skip" over this with boys." I know she would have never said that to me if she knew about Lola but still it stung.  I would love to be able to argue with Lola about clothes, boys, or whatever it maybe. Sometimes when we are dealing with unpleasant issues, that is all we focus on...Not the fact that we are lucky to be able disagree with our kids or even have bad days with them. I am guilty of that too. Then conversations like this remind me what we are missing out on, what Lola is missing out on. It really makes you stop and think...everyday is a gift, even every disagreement or growing pain is a gift in disguise.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

139 Months

  It is hard to explain the feeling you carry around when you loose a child. I look at my family and always feel she is missing. The little moments, the big moments and even the everyday moments you wonder what it would be like if Lola were here with us. I think almost everyday I have “one” of those thoughts. Sometimes the best thing is to close my eyes and pictures how it would be. My three kids walking down Main Street, my three kids jumping in the pool, my three kids screaming at each other in the back of the car. Just my three kids...because in my heart that is the way it always is.

138 Months

  A few days ago I told a good friend of mine that I just felt like I needed a sign to give me the answer to the problem we were dealing with. She was so sweet to reply " a penny from Lola would be perfect." Though I never found my penny, here I found myself sending Finley back to school on the 16th of the month. The one day of the month where I sit and write this blog for Lola, the day I celebrate Lola in months and years. I am beginning to think the 16th was my sign. I spent a lot of time praying on this and hoping as a mom that I would do the right thing. I also have told myself a million times this morning that this is all in God's hands and it is. Hoping Lola can watch over Finley from above too, he may need his big sister keeping a close eye on him.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

137 Months

As we packed up the all of Lola's angels after New Years,  Finley wanted to know what her angel ornament would look like next year. I love how he is already looking forward to next year...sometimes I wish I could have a child like perspective on everything just like Finley. He thinks next year, while my parent like mind wonders how next year will go. Will we all make it through this pandemic, will everyone be safe...When we lost Lola, I fully realized and grasped the concept how there may not be a tomorrow. Nothing is promised. Every moment and second counts. Even with my pregnancy with her, I wish I could have enjoyed it more, really taken in it. Of course I loved every kick I felt, sounds of her heartbeat, and  picture of Lola on her ultrasounds. But to really take it all in...that is what I want to aim for in 2021. Making every moment and second count, .just like Finley and Lola.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

136 Months

      We are 8 days away from Christmas. I always love this time of year and Lola's tree looks stunning, Everyone has even picked our their favorite angel on the tree, I think it will be a new tradition. We chose a glass angel that has her bottom shaped as a shell for Lola's 2020 ornament. She has a very small gold heart in her center, it radiates love. The gold and white tones of the new angel sparkle off the lights of the tree... It reminded me of her birthday this year. We found so many unique and beautiful seashells that day, it just seemed fitting. Finley has already addressed a present to "all" and told me that means Lola too. I am excited to see what he has created for "all" of us on Christmas day. We may not have Lola with us but we are still making memories. I will always remember this Christmas and  To: All....

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

135 Months

        I have a paper clip that has been sitting in my bathroom since March. It is my reminder to " keep it together." Keep it together...what a thought! I can think of so many times in my life where things have been far from this. Emotions, life,  you name it can all take over and make us feel like we have somewhat lost control. We lost the wheel. I felt that way with Lola. I still feel that way with her. It was just out of our hands. There was nothing I could do to keep it together.  I probably needed the paper clip reminder then more than I do now.  I am going to keep my paperclip around for awhile. It is a good way to let me know the things I can control in my own life- love, self- control, patience, peace. I guess pretty much every fruit of the spirit. Sometimes it is okay to not keep it together too, it is this thing little thing we call life. 

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

134 Months

 Yesterday we celebrated the Wave of Light, that special hour each year where any baby gone too soon is remembered. We have used the same candle for the past twelve years for Lola. I remember it sitting on the fire place mantel in California the first year and now sitting in my grandmother's crystal candle holder. The Wave of Light falls on my grandmother's birthday, I think it is special. Maybe she was the first one to meet Lola and welcome her to heaven... The boys made luminary bags for Lola this, hand drawn angels and hearts, it was so heart felt and precious. We were also blessed with finding a penny yesterday. It has been a long time! It was also the perfect day to discover a Lola treasure. Finley placed it right next to her candle last night. We miss Lola everyday, every hour, every minute....I hope the pink sky last night at sunset was one of her angel signs to us.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel