Lola...

"May you find comfort in knowing that LOVE was all our baby ever knew...."

Love you Lo!

dinner anyone???

I am late blogging today...actually i am sitting in the kitchen waiting for my lasagna and homemade garlic bread to finish. Want to come over for dinner? I think cooking with JP is one of my new favorite things, something to occupy the time, something that seems a little "normal" shall we call it. Someone told me today that we are in survival mode, very true, it actually makes a lot of sense. Just trying to survive everyday life and deal with the shock of loosing Lola. I wish life had a recipe...a little dash of happiness, a sprinkle of hope, an overflowing cup of love. Wouldn't it be great if your life always turned out the way you wanted it too, like that good family recipe...I guess I have burnt my fair share of cookies or probably screwed up a lasagna or two, heck sometimes I can't even make a good salad. Tonight I am going to pray for some of those ingredinents above in our lives and a little peace. No one can ever say every moment of their lives is complete happiness, so maybe if happiness isn't for us right now but peace would be okay for the day....

Love you all! Sweetest Dreams.......

Just another day....

Another day....just sad. Maybe that could become my blog everyday??? I struggle with the fact that things will never be the same again, that there will always be something missing in our lives........like there is the unknown of will there ever be happiness again? If you asked me today, the answer would be no........

Life has so many unknowns, like you never know when something is going to happen or be taken from you. Things or people that you would never expect....like children are supposed to out live their parents...not their parents grieving for their lost child. But then life is supposed to go on, you are supposed to figure out someway to deal with things that God has given you. Somehow you are expected to dig up courage and stength...and figure out where to find happiness again or where to find a dream????? In our house right now it is hard to find  those things...they are just missing, gone. When Lola left us, so did all those feelings. It is like she was taken with no warning, like there was never a chance to say good bye...and there is never a chance to get answers to the questions of why?

On my walk today...I found a nickel, not a penny but thought maybe Lola knew I needed 5X the love.....

Shine from the inside out?

http://www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site/view_shared?p=9c28850097e64ccd308123


Click On the Above.....

I was working on putting together a montage of pictures for Lola....from pregnancy on!
As Jp and I watched it last night, we cried.....talked about how happy we were then. Can you tell from our faces? I long to feel that kind of happiness again.... where you shine from the inside out. Everyone says, time..so I guess time will tell.  I just know if she could have stayed here on earth with all of us, that happiness would exsist and possibly be more abudant than even before. I hear moms say that having your child and watching them grow is a different kind of love and joy that you never had before...I know my love for her is beyound words but I miss those "joy" moments. I more find myself in tears longing for her to be with us. Life is hard, harder than I ever imagined. And right now it just seems like I am trying to just "float" through it....come up for air when needed but am sinking most of the time because we lost the most precious baby in the world to us.

I hope you enjoy this little video clip of pictures,, some pictures will remind you of better times.....

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

Missing Lola...

Oh my....I miss my Lola so much!

Somedays that is all I feel like I can say...everyday when I wake up in the morning my heart breaks in a million pieces. Just longing to look over and see her in her crib, instead when I look in her room ( I still call it Lola's room) I see her crib filled with items we have packed up. It no longer looks like a nursery but more like a baby "storage unit" There are a couple items I did leave out, 2 picture frames with pictures of her and her teddy bear. I know it sounds silly but sometimes I will just hold her little bear and cry. I just want to know why us, why lola? Don't ask me what we are going to do with everything, right now it just feels okay where it is. I wanted to give some baby products (medications, shampoos) to another couple here in CA that just had their baby...I know it is the right thing to do but I can't even bear to let go of those simple little things. I just don't ever want to let her go.....

Jp's parents came for a visit this weekend, it was really nice. I found myself thinking a lot about how things should have been with them...more like it should have been a visit with Lola, taking walks with her in the stroller, etc.  But that isn't our life and sometimes the reality of it is so hard for me to accept. I guess you dream up your life and how things will be...most girls dream the same things. You meet your prince charming, get married, buy a house with a white picket fence, get a dog, and start your family, having lots of children! Hmmmm...married prince charming, rented a house in keywest with a white picket fence?, got louie...and now the biggest part of the dream is gone, our family a dream Jp and I share together. Oh, I know people say but "you can have kids again" but that does not replace the child you lost, because Lola will always be our first child, our daughter, she's just an angel....I love my angel! I guess for me right now I am really struggling with it all...somedays are better than others but the sadness for her is always there. Oh how I love her....

Lola with her Grandpa Doepke!

Awareness....

I love angel moms....they understand your world like no one else in the world. I have another VP (vasa previa) mom who made this amazing video to help spread awareness to this rare disease. I had VP with valementous insertion/ a combination of them both. Some days I am so angry b/c I know if I would have been diagnosed Lola would still be here. So spread the word...people don't know about it and they should. You can help save a child's life....check out this link below. Becky (a vp angel mom) made this after her son passed, it is beautiful..I love to share things. I cried but thought if I had only seen this while I was pregnant, my world would be a totally different place.

http://www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site/view_shared?p=3d826ea8ff50edfe88553d&skin_id=701&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

click it..::)

Footprint....

So I have two reasons I need to return back to CHOMP- that is what they call it here...in other words the hospital. It actually stands for Community Hospital of Monterey Peninsula, for a hospital it very tranquil. I remember my first day out of bed (which believe me WAS soooo hard), JP wanted to show me the gardens area. He, myself and my Mother in Law (Liz)...went to the garden area. JP so patiently wheeled me around in the wheel chair....I remember that time so vividly...the wind and waterfalls......it was a short little trip. I was in so much pain but to breathe the fresh air and escape from the room for a couple moments was so refreshing!

Oh besides that there are so many memories there...mostly ones full of sadness. I have been working on building up enough courage to return back there, I'm just afraid it will end in tears, which I am sure it will. One thing I have to do is pick up Lola's footprint, they made a mold of it for me....ohhhhh I can't wait to see it. She had really long feet, they were cute though! (everything about her was cute- but that is the mom in me)

I also have to bring about 20 caps my grandmother made for the hospital in honor of Lola to donate..I am sure you have see the pictures of her with the cute little cap with the pink flower....she made those. Most of the ones she made for the hospital, have the same flowers, like a signature Lola look! It is really neat she did that, I can't wait to give them to the nursery. I have sent one of them to another angel mom who is expecting her baby next Monday....she says the cap is a blessing. I always think Lola would have wanted me to send it her way...

Oh but it is a journey JP and I will have to take together...one of these days it will just feel right! I for sure know that I will need him to be holding my hand, giving me that extra strength. I am not sure what I would do without him, he is my rock. Sometimes at night I will just look at him and think of Lola...they have so many similar features.....

I will let you know when I make it there...^i^

Here Comes the Sun...

Lots of people tell me that when the sun beats down on your face, it is Lola smiling down from Heaven! A couple of my dearest friends, Sara and Erica put together this amazing package for me a couple months ago, one of those "cheer UP charlie, we love you" packages. It was great, but one thing was a CD with some "inspirational songs." I always listen to this one.....makes me think of Lola! Thought I would share...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZtQh5EIgWQ&feature=related

Ounce of Happiness...

Yesterday I watched one of those Hallmark Movies- admit it you've all watched them before!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I am not the only one...it was called Bound by Secret, I caught it about half way through. The movie had a great line that I thought a lot about last night...."an ounce of happiness is worth every ounce of sadness." WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So true......I had 9 months, well 40 weeks and 3 hours to be exact with Lola and it was more happiness than I can ever remember. (well the first three months were a little rough with that dreaded morning sickness, that is not just morning let me tell you!)

Happiness Moments:
The first sonogram, finding out we were pregnant and be able to be in Wisconsin to share it with the people that mean the most to us in the whole world,  picking out names, planning and shopping for her, daily visits from my neighbors checking on me and all the goodies Lola had recieved, the beautiful baby showers, putting together the nursery not once but twice!, the first kick and all the kicks to follow (sometimes punches), visits from her grandparents to be and from one of my best friends (ahhh seaworld!), many many trips to babies r us/pottery barn kids, monthly tummy pics, finding out she was a girl, sitting and watching the brewers endless weekends and weeknights with my husband and lou (with lo in the tummy) b.c it was too hot to be outside, jp always resting his hand on my stomach, every doctor visit, moving to California,.....every moment of dreaming our lives with her and starting our family. Sometimes I would sit for hours and smile wondering who she was going to look like....well, we all know she is a mini- jp with a kim nose! Meeting her is a combination of one of the greatest and most tragic things in my life. Seeing your child and knowing that she has already gone to heaven...I held her and kissed her on the forehead...she was so precious.  Knowing it was also the last time I would hold her was also one of those combinations, so much happiness to be with her and so much sadness to let her go....

Even though there has been so much sadness in our life since she has passed, it is true every ounce of happiness she brought into my life is worth the sadness. I hope maybe you can close your eyes and think of one moment of hapiness she has brought you, maybe it was a picture or picking out a special gift for her....I know they are there!

Pictures...

I heart these pictures so much...from the wave of light! the pictures i got sent on facebook from people I was not able to copy and paste them, but anyways thought i would share these two from minnesota and florida. They are defintely going in her baby book!

2 Month Angeliversary!

Today is Lola's 2 month angelverisary! I wonder if she gets bigger in heaven or always is always going to be the sweetest most beautiful baby.....??? Everyday is hard without her in our lives. It is hard for JP and I to look at pictures of our friend's children, you know those fun ones parents get to take when their kids reach those monthly milestones. The only pictures we will ever have of Lola is her after she was born...we'll never get to post those neat "growing" up pictures.

This morning I took our car in for an oil change and there was a girl my age there with her newborn baby boy. Of course this would happen to me, stuck in the same waiting room...no one else there and the whole time I'm praying please don't talk to me! I found myself taking little glimpses at the two of them sitting so perfectly together, he was swaddled in the cutest orange blanket and she just looked "in love" with his every move. I heard her say when she was paying to the man, he was 5 weeks old....sigh. Maybe there will be a day when it is easier to have children around us. I have another angel mom friend that says she always thinks of  her little boy when she sees other babies his age...there is always constant reminders.

On the other hand yesterday was so neat for us, I really think there were a lot of candles lit for Lola,  it was amazing...we even got sent some pictures of the beautiful candles. I hope she was there to watch down on all the people that love and care about her, she has touched so many people's lives. She is one amazing little angel! I am proud to be her mom and hope she is having a wonderful day in heaven with her great grandma and grandpas...Happy 2 Months Lola!

Our candles for Lola

one from each of us- jp, me , and louie

Wave of Light...

this little light of mine, i am going to let it shine....

Light your Candle 7pm

Today is the day to remember all the baby angels and their families....
ALL OUR LOVE TO OUR ANGEL!


lola grace doepke
08-16-09

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wt6ZP_TMlIg


Just a song that always will make us think of her and our last moments with our beautiful daughter!
Someday we'll meet again ^i^

What a Wonderful World:

I see trees of green, red roses too

I see them bloom for me and you

And I think to myself what a wonderful world.



I see skies of blue and clouds of white

The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night

And I think to myself what a wonderful world.



The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky

Are also on the faces of people going by

I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do

They're really saying I love you.



I hear babies cry, I watch them grow

They'll learn much more than I'll never know

And I think to myself what a wonderful world

Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

Rainy Days

We have some crazy weather here today, JP keeps checking on us and saying he feels like we are in a tropical storm or hurricane.. High winds and lots of rain, Louie is taking advantage of it and is curled up in a blanket on his new favorite chair. I think he knows our daily walk/adventure is out of the question today!
I caught myself sitting there with him for a bit while the power was out, it was actually peaceful in a strange way...time to reflect on life and the lessons we learn....

What Makes a Mother?- Author Unknown

I thought of you and closed my eyes. And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard him say,
A mother has a baby. This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?

Yes you can. He replied with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies. When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to fill your womb but there is no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God I want my baby here.
She took a deep breath and cleared her throat and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much; I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons quickly. My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy and Daddy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one, your children are okay.
Your babies are here in my home and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me until your lesson is through.
And on that day you come home, they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother...
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
Until their time is done.
They'll be there with me one day,
And know you're the best one.

Weekends..

Weekends are extra special hard at our house...well almost like everyother day.  We force ourselves to do things, explore our new city, while we both stare at eachother and say, I really don't feel like doing anything today." Lola was born on a Sunday morning, 3:36am to be exact...and weekends for me are so hard because those are the last memories that we have with her in my tummy. The last time I can honestly say that I was happy.  For now we just go through the rountine of everyday life, just trying to make it through the days...knowing that things will never be the same or I will never be the same. I believe loosing Lola has shaped our lives and will define who we are. I long for the day where I will enjoy the simple things  in life like the sunshine beating on your face...

I often wonder what is going on to the person next to us, because you never know..maybe they lost the love of their life, maybe a sibling, they are going through a tough time with the economy or maybe they are just lonely. Everyone has a story...on Saturday we went to Toasties for breakfast and across the way from us a girl my age sat and cried the whole time they were there. I caught myself staring at her, wondering what was wrong...and I just wanted to go up to her and giver her a hug. Tell her whatever it is it would be okay...the thing is no one can tell you that is will be okay b/c maybe for them it never will be. I never gave her a hug but I said a little prayer for her..just wanted to see her sadness go away.

A little reminder...

I am a big believer in signs...maybe because they tend to give me hope. Yesterday I was taking Louie on our daily walk, one of my new favorite activities...I love getting lost in my new city or discovering blocks I have never before been on.  Yesterday, we had a "LOLA" sign...there was a red car with the following license plate cover..."LOLA'S RUBY RED SLIPPER"  I am sure it was describing the car, and I also am pretty sure they are a wizard of oz fans too. They have the cutest halloween display and part of it is the wicked witch on a bike with a sign that says I'll get your little dog too...kind of creepy but very festive!  I listen to Somewhere Over the Rainbow all the time, so it is a song that I relate with Lo...hoping our troubles will melt like lemon drops....

I have never met another Lola in my life, so I think it is really neat that a couple blocks from my house there is another Lola...maybe it is God telling me that Lola is always with me, even on my walks with Louie. O:)
Maybe she is there making sure that witch does not snatch up louie...you know I am just kidding!

Whatever it is, it a brought a smile to my face for that one moment in time...

Now I  hope to see Lola's Ruby Red Slipper cruising around town!

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

Places...

I know in life we always look back...people we have met, places we have been, good or bad, our memories are always with us. Today I was in the car with JP and I wondered if everytime I drive past the hospital and see the sign, Community Hospital of the Monterey Penisula.. will I always get that feeling that I will burst into tears?  Or everytime we drive into his work (which is a pretty beautiful spot) will I always get this feeling that I want to run out of there as fast as I can?  Certain places and things truly remind me of being pregnant with Lola...the hospital is an easy one to understand. I guess Highlands Inn is because we stayed there for a month as we house hunted. It became a little piece of home, memories of being pregnant and with her. Or as I drive throught the tunnel in Monterey will I always think about my last Dr. appt before her due date and how JP told me everytime I drive through there to beep for good luck, I did that day...now I will do anything to avoid going through there. 

Eventually with time ,we'll see....one step at a time.

Oct. 15th- Wave Of Light- Please Mark it on your calendar!!!!!!

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month



In 1988, the month of October was named national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. October 15th has further been recognized as the international day of awareness.

Organizations across the globe ask that you take part in the "Wave of Light" by lighting a candle at 7pm, in your local time zone. Please take a moment on this day for reflection, and remembering our lost children by lighting a candle at home, in groups and gatherings, attending a mass, or calling someone close to you who has experienced this loss. No matter how recent or how long ago, every parent would love to know that someone is remembering their angel child.


I thought I would share this and hope you can join us in lighting a candle for Lola...don't worry I'll send lots of reminders. Everyday I could tell you a million times over how much we miss her and just doesn't seem right.  I always am thinking I should be rocking her or feeding her now, not typing a blog about how she is not here with us.  I guess today is what they call an "angry" day, mad at the world...looking for answers that I will never find.  I do find some peace in the "wave of light" and look forward to this special day. In fact, I think it calls for a new candle just for Lo, our angel child.

Grief work is a never-ending endeavor. It is a process through which you must travel, and hopefully find meaning and value along the way....

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

Survivors

I thank God everyday for the family and friends we have in our lives, because without them I am not sure how we would get through the loss of Lola. All the cards, special books, flowers and gifts to remember her by are amazing. We truly feel blessed so if we haven't said it, thank you for being you! I also recieved some beautiful poems from unknown authors..today I thought I would share these...written from an angel. I love to read these, in a way it is almost comforting. I pray that Lola is with us everyday...and we will be survivors!

My Mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a Survior, or so I've heard it said. But I hear here crying at night when all others are in bed. I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand. She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand. But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...

I watch over my mom, who thinks of me each day. She wears smiles for others...a smile of disguise. But through heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.  My mom tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.

But anyone who knows her knows it her way to survive. As I watch over my mom...through heaven's open door. I try to tell her than the angels will protect me forever more. But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she bears.

For no matter what she says...no matter what she feels. My suriving mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal.

My Dad is a Survivor Too

My Dad is a survivor too...which is no suprise to me. He's always been like a lighthouse that helps you cross the stormy sea.

But, I walk with my dad each day to lift him when he's down. I wipe the tears he hides from others. He cries when no one is around.

I watch him sit up late at night, with my picture in his hand.

He cries as he tries to grieve alone, and wishes he could understand.

My dad is like a tower of strenght. He is the greatest of them all!

Now, as I watch over my precious dad from the Heaven's above...I'm so proud..AND I can still feel his love!

We LOVE you Lola!

and you too (whoever is reading this :))

-The Mother of an Angel

                                                       The Doepkes- JP, Kim & Lola
                                                                      08-16-09  

Pennies from Heaven

Do you ever find a penny just laying on the ground...don't pass it up. They say angels toss them down just to cheer you up, to make a smile out of your frown. It's a penny from heaven...

Since Lola has passed we have found 3 pennies from heaven...JP found the last one at work this past Friday. We place them in her little piggy bank that was in her nursery, crazy how a penny can bring a quick smile to your face. Is it really from her? Guess we won't know but it sure makes you feel okay for that one moment in time. Everyday is a new challenge, nothing really seems the same but those pennies are some of the most precious things to me now.  In my mind I will just imagine that Lola is letting us know she's there..just a little sign.

So now when you find a penny just laying there, maybe my angel has tossed it down to you...^i^

Lots of Love, The Mother of an Angel