84 Months

It's her seventh birthday. Seven years. I think back to this day often, what could we have done different, how I didn't know anything was wrong and how things could have been. That was me as I walked along the shoreline today ahead of the group...When I looked back I could see this little seven year old girl hanging on her daddy's arm, Finley picking up seashells and Milo throwing a rock in the water. We would be outnumbered. It would be great. It would be fun and at times a lot but it was the fabulous five. But that's not the story, that's the dream and then reality sets in where I see Lola's pink rose floating away in the clear waters. Finley is picking up shells and Milo is throwing a rock but JP is just watching and walking behind them. He smiles.

It's important to celebrate Lola's day. We have our tradition of the pink balloons that we decorate and send messages to heaven. Throwing the pink rose into the sea.  It's tradition to write her a letter on each birthday, which turns into lots of tear stained paper. It's a tradition to give to others on her day. Someone once told me that you can't change what happens but it's what you do after that counts. We could have given up but we didn't. Our family isn't perfect, Lola will always be gone and I'm still working on accepting that, maybe I never will. Maybe my heart won't ever feel complete or will I ever know how it feels to be care free again but I'm going to hang onto hope.

We chose this year to donate money to the victims of the horrible fire occurring in the Big Sur area, very close to where Lola entered this world. A place that is so beautiful, unique and a healing spot for JP and I. Maybe it's beauty helped heal our hearts little by little, I couldn't think of a better birthday gift to help those affected by the fire. We also bought glitter, yes lots of glitter for Bookworm Gardens. I kept thinking what girl doesn't love glitter as we picked this request off the wishing tree...

So the day is almost over, dark skies are surrounding us and I honestly feel a little more at peace. The weeks and days leading up to her birthday are painful, the anticipation is the worst.  But I do thank God for the memories I have of Lola. I can close my eyes and picture her face, that sweet angelic face. So Happy Birthday Pretty Girl, may the love and prayers from all your family and friends be felt all the way to heaven today.

Love-
Your Mom