60 Months

Happy Birthday Lola- we clapped, we cried, we waved good bye...

It's hard to imagine 5 years have passed us by. Five long years without Lola. Years of imagining what she would look like, what she would love and five years of imagining how our family could be. She is always the piece that is missing, the part where as a parent you never truly feel whole. It is hard to explain but the pain and sadness does not ever go away. We may have become stronger or maybe more accepting over time but there are moments when the thought of holding her and saying good bye radiates in our mind. We never want to say good bye...

On that night of August 16th, I remember almost everything, clearly. I can play the moments over in my head. It wasn't just a bad dream, it actually was and still is our lives. I always want Lola's day to be full of happiness and joy even though that is sometimes hard. I want Milo and Finley to be able to celebrate their sister. We should remember how blessed we were to hold this little angel, see her gorgeous face and hold her hand. We are still her parents, still her family.

Today we did celebrate. An ice cream sundae with chocolate sprinkles and a pink lit candle. We sang at the top of our lungs and clapped for her. We followed with our yearly tradition of the balloons to heaven, five this year and each with a special message. Milo of course drew his signature smiley face for his sister, he was most proud and a little teary to let that one go. There were rain clouds in the distance and it made for a picturesque setting on the beach, almost  magical. The water was still and calm as we threw one pink rose to sea...

Last month I knew things would be a little busier with the arrival of Lola's newest brother, Finley. Now I know everyone says he looks just like Milo, but there are some pictures where Finn looks just like his big sister. I love these three. We will always be a family of six, my forever family. We purchased a fund a foot at bookworm gardens in Lola's honor of her special day, it will be hung in September and inscribed with "Our Angel, Lola Grace." It is such a child centered spot, full of kids running and playing...a perfect way to celebrate her 5th birthday and give back.

I'm always amazed and grateful for all the kind notes, cards, charity donations in Lola's honor and beautiful orchid we received today. It always warms my heart when she is remembered. Though we will never get the chance to watch her grow here in earth, I'm sure she has an amazing soul- full of love. She's an angel.

I'm about to blow out her candle that has lit up my room in her memory. She is always missed and always near....we love you lola!