Pictures...Memories...Pictures

3 months
4 months
.............
9 months


I looked at all these pictures today and everything in between... I think I have been putting off something very special for Lola, and today without thought I attacked it full on.  I have been putting off her memory/baby book. I sometimes look at the pictures and then place them back in the heavy chest in our room, they seem safe and secure there. But I know deep down I wanted to put it all together, just not knowing when? Not that today is the day but it's a start....I went through the pictures on my computer, uploaded some more and placed my order, well not just one but three because I would finish one order and then realize I forgot something important that must be part of her special book! So feeling somewhat accomplished the pictures are ordered so when they arrive next week, I am making no promises that the over 100 prints will not sit there for awhile or not?

The book is very pretty, it is from my Mom (grandma jean) she found it and said I had to have this, she thought it was perfect and it is! Lola Sent! It has an angel on the front of the book with beautiful rhinestones placed on it, also it comes in this little box...like it was meant there for very safe keeping.

So maybe next time you see us, JP and I will ask you if you want to see her book, share Lola with us, probably with a tear or two included!

I thought I would add this link today...I heard this song last Saturday on XM in the car...a day after I found my 4 pennies. I never knew there was such a song, Pennies from Heaven! Very upbeat and jazzy! I can see Lola dropping a penny for us to find with a big grin....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pELxwTp7gk&feature=related

4....

It seems like I have had a pretty special day already, well something to stop and make me smile! I was on my daily walk with Louie, we take the same path almost everyday (he loves to see his maltese friend along the way...they only exchange "fierce" barks though) So it is pretty redundant, but today was out of the ordinary. On my walk did I not only discover one shiny penny but four all together....now I am the "non-penny finder" seems like others always stumble on them before me but today was my day! Aaaahhhhh, thanks Lo. Now I only hope the start of this days means a good one to come, we need those around here. A little hope....

Louie and I also made a stop at Lola's spot, my Dad and I searched and picked up shells there the other morning. He had lots of good finds but I found an "angel wing" shell...have you ever seen one? They are 2 shells that are literally still stuck together and when placed vertically look like little wings to me! Plus these were white....so I have carefully been gaurding the pair I found. This morning believe it or not, I found another one!!!!!!!!!!!! Buried deep in the sand, I picked it up and placed it my hand it was barely connected and snapped. A little disappointing, but a sure sign that an angel hangs out there too. I know when I see the crashing foamy waves, the birds flying high in the air and sand filled beach...she is there.

6 Months...

I have dreaded today more than anyother month so far...not that it is any worse the others but maybe because it marks a half way point. I'm not sure....it sure brings you right back to the place where you started. To many people this is just any other day, mark it off on the calendar. But to me the 16th of each month represents my world turning upside down, losing one of the most precious things in the world to me. Lola's death is my life. Sure, I may have learned a little bit better on how to deal with my grief but it's still there everyday and I never expect it to go away. There will always be a hole in my heart for her, that incomplete piece.

My tears have stopped me in my tracks, her picture stares at me. I have replayed the day before her death a million times today. I have replayed the moment of hearing your child died a million times more. And then I think of her how cute she was, the softness of her skin, her cute little nose and realize,

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away."
That will forever be my moment.

Lola Grace Doepke
Sunday -08-16-09- 3:36 am

The LOLA chair...

We have a new piece of furniture added to our house, a very special chair....My Mother In Law always tells me you can never have enough chairs!!!This one is a keeper. Delivered with extra special care from a Pier One Assocaite to the footsteps of our house. What a suprise when you open the door and you see a large box with a smiling man standing behind it. I felt so bad he had to wiggle his way through our cars and up the stairs to deliver this one of a kind package. With a large smile on his face, he exlaimed, "this is for you." Of course JP already knew it was coming, he had been told we had to be home at 5:30. I had been eyeing this chair, not because I thought it was beautiful or a perfect match to our house but because it was Lola's Chair. It says it right on the box and on the tag in the store.... Somethings you just have to have. This chair I will always keep no matter what, even if 30 years from now it is run down, has holes in it and doesn't go with anything in our house. It is fun to sit in, comfy, a great place to read a book but even better, a great spot to sit and think of Lola. I am securely taping part of the box to the bottom of this chair so no one will ever forget it's name. So I invite you to come on over and sit on the Lola Chair...

Thanks Mom- What a special gift!!!

Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care....

So again, I am having to say I haven't written in awhile.......though I love to write, theraputic in its own way. I thought about my last post of Christmas Day...WOW! What have we done, where have we been.....learning to look fear in the face and saying I just don't care................

Things we have done:

I got a tatoo for Lola...I prefer to call it my Lola Ink. Crazy I know, but one of the best things I could have done. Now I am wondering should it be bigger more glorious??? and then I sit back and enjoy the simplicity of it.(knowing I can always add to it at any point :)) I am acutally kind of proud of it, I know I suprised my Dad with it. It is almost like she is with you in way that you can't describe so next time you see me ask to see my Lola Ink.

We took a trip to visit JP's parents in Florida and had a quick trip to Key West (awesome!!!!!!!!!!) I thought a lot about the trip before we left, how I had already bought Lola's swimsuit for her trip. It was really cute, seahorses and seashells, pink and orange...sometimes those memories stop you in your tracks. As we got to the check in gate, we dragged our suitcases up to the counter, with Louie so patiently waiting in his travel bag and here JP keeps pointing to the ground as the lady is asking for our last name. I looked, assuming I had dropped something, saw nothing, he pointed again and then proceeded to pick up a shiny penny. A penny from heaven? or a reminder though Lola is not with us here on earth, she's in heaven and still makes the trips with us. Ahhhhhhhh. I remember thinking I needed that Lola! I put that penny on my nighstand during the whole stay and now it is safely in her piggy bank.

As I had mentioned, we also made our trip to Key West, a walk down memory lane...a place that since I have left Wisconsin has been the only city that I have considered home. Part of our wedding was the rose ceremony, in which JP and I exchanged roses and we were to put them in a special place that we could go back to. That special place is White Street Pier in Key West, where JP proposed to me.....and so we bought a beautiful single pink rose for Lola and the three of us (louie) walked to the edge of the pier and dropped in our rose for Lola. We watched it ride each wave, float on the waters and slowly creep out of our sight....

Words from the Rose Ceremony:
In every marriage there are times where it is difficult to find the right words. It is easiest to hurt who we most love. It is easiest to be most hurt by who we most love. It might be difficult some time to words to say "I am sorry" or "I forgive you"; "I need you" or "I am hurting". If this should happen, if you simply can not find these words, leave a rose at that spot which both of you have selected - for that rose than says what matters most of all and should overpower all other things and all other words.
That rose says the words: "I love you." The other should accept this rose for the words which cannot be found, and remember the love and hope that you both share today.

So now we have our rose for Lola......


A week ago I started a group on facebook for mother's that have lost their infants children...I guess it was not only for me that I needed this but I wanted to provide a little place for someone to go for additional support or just to vent. I remember feeling so alone when Lola passed, like no one understood or could possibly....holding your breathless child, saying goodbye. I knew a total of 6 angel moms, I invited them to join and posted some other announcements on some VP pages and this morning I looked, 30 Angel Moms, 54 pictures...I thought for sure Lola was smiling down at me from Heaven. I hope, that if only it is helpful to one mom then my prayers would be answered. Each Mom has their own story but the pain we feel is the same...but there is HOPE for each one of us...

On another note JP and I are on the house hunt, you could look it as a good or bad thing. Bad part is packing it all up and moving again but we maybe pros at that! Good part is just a fresh start, something new, something different....We have until June 1st, then our landlords are moving back into this house. We have pinpointed an area here that we like so we are just kind of waiting for something to hopefully open up...so say a prayer for us! I know there is power in prayer.....

I went to a special spot today, my friend Sara told me awhile back to find one of those places for Lola. I did. The colors of the water, the waves crashing on the rocks and one single bird flying above me....one of those aaaaahhhhhaaaa moments. Then suddenly I saw 2 sea lions popping their heads in and out of the water, I guess those things can't help but make you smile.

So today I will leave this blog in tears but it's okay to cry they say, tears are healing.....

"I see a stream down your face when you loose something you can't replace and I will try to fix you......"