Christmas Day

Someone told me during the holiday season that I should be most excited b/c that is when all the angels sing!!
Our Christmas Tree made it up to 22 angel ornaments this year...each year we will hopefully add on our additions until we have the full blown angel tree, complete with white sparkling lights and gold and silver bulbs! At least what I envision...so today I put a collaboration of different "angel" Christmas Songs for Lola..


Hark the Herald Angels Sing...Glory to the newborn King...


Angels we have heard on high sweetly singin o"er the plains...

Sing choirs of angels, sing in exulation...

While mortals sleep, the angels keep their watch of wondering love...

With the angels let us sing, Alleluia to our King- Christ the Savior is Born....

Bless all the dear children in thy tender care, and fit us for heaven to live with thee there...
 
Today is not about the presents, the tree...it is celebrating the gift God gave us....
 
For the last couple weeks we have been shaking a snow globe for Lola everyday. It is really quite beautiful, silver Christmas tree with a silver bottom and then the beautiful "snowflakes" enclosed. I think heaven probably has silver Christmas trees...what a sight! She must be having the most wonderful Christmas!
 
Love to you all on this Holiday!

4 months...

I am not really sure what to say about today...4 months. Most of the day was spent in tears...
It was a sad day. I feel though like I had to write something today, even if its not much. Just a few sentences, Just so she knows.

A Day for Lola...

My heart is heavy today. I miss my baby girl. My angel.

Yesterday was a beautiful day, it turned out to be just a whole day about Lola....
We went to church yesterday morning, it was a wonderful service...they had a harpist, trumpets, pianist, the choir, it was really neat and powerful. We bought a poinsetta in memory of Lola a couple weeks ago and today they were all displayed at the front of church, her name was also in the program. It was so special and also the bell choir performed...do you know how many angels got their wings yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everytime I looked  towards the front of church, I would think of her...sometimes with tears in my eyes, if she only knew how much her mom and dad missed her.

We also went to see the priest who had met with us in the hospital...he was diagnosed with cancer about 1.5 months ago. He went through a couple surgeries and is now in recovery. He is calling it his "year of life" and with that he is giving away angels he has collected to special people. The one we got was very beautiful, a cheribum angel from Venice. He says he sees her face in it. We talked about Lola.....it seems everyone calls her Lola Grace. Which is ironic in away...her full name means "sorrowful blessing".....which would basically define what she is to so many of us.

Last night was also the annual candle lighing for Compassionate Friends. Here in CA, we had a slide show of our children, poems, music..I can't explain it. I don't think my heart has ever beat as fast as it did last night, almost like I could feel it throbbing...JP says Lola was the most beautiful baby in the show, but I think we maybe a little biased :). It was so special on so many levels. Some times words cannot even describe so it is better left as a private memory. I remember at one point looking over at JP, he held my hand so tight...and I saw those tears trickle down his face, he loves her so much and misses her...he just won't be the one to tell you that everyday. I held her picture so tight the entire way home...and if I told you how much sadness and pain there was in this world you may never believe me.

So I guess the word of the day and for the rest of this holiday season is going to be hope. HOPE. A four letter word that has so much meaning to everyone in their own way and in their own lives. Hope for a better tommorow, hope for a better today, hope for healing, hope for peace, hope for happiness, hope...

I always wish and dream that Lola could have been with us a little longer...now what a wonderful world that would have been....

I love you All....

Life...There is no Map.

 I can gaurntee you that not one of you would want my life...trade places with me?  In fact I even told someone the other day, just be glad you don't have my life. You will never know...you can read my blogs, you can say you are so sorry that this happened to you but 20 seconds later you're onto the next thing. Lola's death consumes my life, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...I envy people that can just say sorry like I used to be able to do, maybe send a card but never feel the pain. You know I can picture it now, "oh what a shame they would say." They can be thankful that they have a healthy happy family, continue to live in their own "bubbled" life. You know the one where we never think nothing bad will happen to us, the one where everyone gets to bring home their healthy baby and onto the next day....

I believe it can't get any worse so at least we can't keep sinking...there is the positive end of it. Let me recap the last 5 months of my life....our child died, we just moved, we live in a rented house ( i miss my old house in san antonio), I am less than fond of the new city we live in for obvious reasons....would you like me to keep going because I know I can. I mean somedays I think I would just like to go back to something comforting...like a good pair of old shoes. They just fit. So why does nothing fit now??? Nothing is right and it feels like it never will be again. ( funny that I am using a shoe metaphor since i can hardly fit in any of my old shoes post pregnancy) I want someone to give me an answer....like in 35 days from now things will turn around, Breathe. Impossible I know. As they say, when it rains it pours.....and I wouldn't expect anything less than that now.

 I got an email from an old friend from college last weekend, her 4 month old baby had passed that morning, due to heart failure. She wanted to know how I cope...I could relate with every word she said. I was so sad for her, because if I did have a wish it would be that no one would ever have to go through this, I firmly believe it maybe the worst pain ever. I  never want anyone to have to say good by to their baby,kiss them on the forehead for the last time, never have to go the funeral home to pick up their child's ashes... I couldn't even tell her it would get better, because I don't know...What I do know is that we have to have hope.


I guess I'll close this blog with something I read the other day..

Those who gireve are those who love.
You can further honor your child by remembering fondly what she has meant to you and by living life fully aware that people matther more than things, and than every moment of our existence is a precious gift to be used wisely and well.....

So I think you should go do something crazy or fun after reading this for Lola...you know live life to its fullest.
Go outside and make a snow angel, go write her name in the sand, put your toes in the water, scream at the top of your lungs, listen to your favorite song and dance around the living room, go give someone you love the biggest hug, suprise them!, send someone a card out of the blue that you haven't talked to in a long time, run around the block, smell a flower, look for a house decorated in just white lights for Christmas (white lights are my favorite), jump on your bed, give a few coins to the bell ringers.....tell Lola hi when the sun beats on you face....love.

A bookmark..

What a weird title I bet you are saying to yourself....I know :) Sometimes I have to throw you off a little bit!
Over the past couple months we have been recieving the magazine, Guideposts...I think it is a gift from someone but I have no idea who??? (so if it is you, let us know!) The stories are great, many inspirational...if you don't get the magazine I really would suggest it. Stories to warm the heart...sometimes I read them over and over again.

A couple weeks ago with the magazine came a bookmark, it reads the following:

God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change;courage to change the things I can;wisdom to know the difference....

I know we can all use this in our lives!!!!!

I pick up many books these days, start to read them, put them away, bring them back out again...but I love seeing this bookmark in one particular book I am in the midst of right now....

I guess I am in the process of accepting that Lola is gone, in heaven. I cannot change that.

I can however have her live in my heart through my memories with her. I am in the process of trying to change my outlook on life, 3 months and 23 days ago, I would have told you my life is over and I would rather sleep away the days then face them. Life without her at the time was not worth living....
Now the days are still hard, some harder than others, some maybe a little better. But I know I have to keep moving on with life for JP, Louie, My Family and My Friends...but let Lola  live through me. Maybe Live Life for Lola. I could say a million times over, Life is not fair, this is so unfair. Actually I could scream it at the top of my lungs but I know I have the courage to change the things I can or at least work on them!

I love Lola more than anything in this whole world...what a great angel we all have during this holiday season!

Remembering My Grandma...

The last couple weeks I have been really thinking about my Grandma Van Haveren....I think it has to with the holidays, her favorite. Some of you reading this may have never gotten to know her and those of us that have, were blessed. How can I describe her to you in a couple of words??? The kindest and most loving soul, that had a way with her words...she loved you uncondtionally and abudently. Much like someone else I know...JP. Those two must be the most patient and loving people that I have ever come into contact with...some of my fondest childhood memories are with her. The Christmas cookies, presents in the attic, little parties we had, Sunday dinners, her house decorated in almost every room, I remember Santa always graced his presence in the bathroom! Today I have many of her holiday decorations, I guess part of the reason I even gave into the holiday speal this year. I just love to remember those times, her tree, her decorations....and how can we forget looking through the JC Penney Christmas Catalog a million times over. She was amazing.

I think about her these days...how I long to just sit and speak with her about Lola. For some reason, I just think she would know exactly what to say. I had a dream the other night with her in it. It was very odd, because we were all at her house in the basement (that was like the kids playroom), and she was there, my Grandpa was at his desk. I can't tell you how  but I know I was so excited to see her, like almost relieved in a sense. Like I could finally pour out my heart to someone, in this dream I was ready to tell her all about my precious Lola. The thing is she wouldn't turn around, she would not acknowledge me....I was in tears. I remember yelling but Lola, but Lola....all I could see was the back of her, her hair, she just wouldn't budge. That was the end of my dream.....

A little strange I know but I think it was telling me something. That friends and family can provide comfort but no one can ever say the right thing, no one can make this better and no one can take away the pain. She was listening and maybe you listen but that is all you can do. There is no answer. That is the best thing.  NO one can answer why? But I think shel'll watch over me with Lola..I really do.

 I secretly pray that my Grandma was the first one to meet Lola, hug her, spoil her, always rocking her to sleep....together they would be a perfect pair. Lola looked like and angel and my Grandmother had the heart of one.