11 months...

I have noticed a pattern. My blogs are becoming labeled by the months of Lola's age. I think about her constantly, everything we do seems to reflect a memory of her...we maybe in a different spot than we were 11 months ago, but JP and I always talk about how she is our daughter, part of our family. Someday when our family grows, she will always be included in that number...I oftern think I need to be braver, a little more corouage would do. I remember being in the hospital one night, not being able to sleep and all seems quiet around you...maybe beside the hustle of a nurse's footstep or an iv machine pumping. I know in my head, I was thinking this could not be happening, I will never survive this...though I was surrounded by beautiful bouquets of flowers, cards, a loving husband trying to get some sleep...it maybe the most alone I have ever felt. The feeling where for months and months you planned to bring home this little girl, the car seat awaited for her in the car in the parking lot but you are left with empty arms and a broken heart. That may have been my moment where it finally hit me....

People will always say, "that is not the way it is supposed to be." It never is....


I think Lola still hits me everyday....looking at her picture on my nightstand, sitting in her chair, staring at her footprints. All these things around mt house are to keep her memory alive. Which I will do, everyday.

I think God has given me some great signs that she is okay. On our recent trip to Santa Barbara JP found a penny as were stopping at Starbucks for a little treat....almost like she is saying, "hey guys, i'm here!"

We were also able to donate the Volvo to the Monterey Compassion Pregnancy Center, maybe that money will help a young mother decide she wants to keep her baby...maybe Lola can help save a life.

For the past couple months I have already been trying to figure out what to do next month....can I sleep in my own house that night,how to honor her, how to spend her day. Being angel mommies and daddies is not the easiest thing....

So for Lola....as my aunt would say.

Live
Our
Lives
Abudantly

Happy Angelversary Baby Girl!