124 Months

It is hard to believe that Christmas is right around the corner. We are into the single digit countdown at our house! I feel like we have checked most of our boxes on our holiday “to do” list, and now I am patiently awaiting for the day to sit in front of Lola’s tree and really enjoy it, slow down a bit. I love her tree. Everything about it is perfect... beautiful, shimmery, and stunning. Just as I imagine her. Though it is Lola’s tree, it also has taken on the role of a “remembrance tree” of others. Those we have lost, friendships, family, and years that have gone by. Each time we place an ornament on the tree I know who gave it to us, sometimes even  the year. It is great to think of my Mom, our grandparents, and even Louie with our special Lola  angel tradition. Holidays are hard, even 10 years later....

I am happy to report, I’m half way through my annual reading of the Christmas Box. I love that story! We also have dropped off our toys at Toys for Tots. Now, I’m just waiting to hear a bell ring....because every time a bell rings an angel gets their wings.

Happy Holidays!

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

123 Months

The past few days have felt like winter has arrived in Florida. It’s a welcomed change! Kids running around outside playing, sweatshirts, hoodies, and long pants. ( these maybe a few of my favorite things! ) There are even a couple houses in our neighborhood that have some Christmas decor displayed in their yards. I started my search for our Lola angel ornament a couple of weeks ago,  and I have come to the conclusion that angels may not be part of the holiday trend this year. In our house they are a Christmas staple! After scouring a few stores and the internet, I came across an angel that I thought would be perfect to add to Lola’s tree. She is a little sparkly, her halo is a clear beautiful  jewel, and the inscription at the bottom reads, “You are my Angel.” She is our angel...Lola Grace Doepke. I can’t wait for Milo to place it on our tree this year.

122 Months

We lit our candle for Lola last night as we participated in the Wave of Light. Finley helped me get out the same candle we have used for the past ten years, and watched as we lit it at exactly 7pm. He wonders why a baby would have to go to heaven, he is so kind hearted and loving.  The candle seemed to light up the room for that hour. Milo announced he was officially in charge of blowing it out at 8pm, he did. Our candle last night was for all the babies that are gone too soon, all the families whose hearts still break. They are never forgotten.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

121 Months

I quickly glanced at  the pictures stacked on my dresser today. Lola, Milo, Finley...I have some serious memory book pictures to fill in and complete. The Angel Book, The “never- ending” Baby Book, and the Birthday Book. It’s not very often I get to complete my projects in three, for my three children. One day hopefully my boys will share their books with their families, and maybe even Lola’s. I promised myself today I would complete Lola’s book from her tenth birthday, it’s always a difficult task to complete. In fact, it’s one thing I procrastinate on. To gently tuck in her birthday letter, place a memory from the day in the picture pocket, and finally her “birthday gift”  picture.  It’s quite different than writing about Finley’s birthday at Fort Wilderness,  and placing a family photo with Chip and Dale. When they say a “mother wears all different types of hats,” I bet no one ever thought of the role of the Mom who lost her child, and then carries on with her others. These Moms are different and unique, no one will ever understand unless they have walked the walk. It’s a world like no other....

So wish me luck scrapbooking tonight....
Love,
The Mother of an Angel

120 Months-10 years

When the ball dropped on New Year's Eve ringing in 2019, my first thought was Lola would be 10 this year. One decade has passed..

So what would a ten year old want for her birthday? What kind of party or birthday trip would she like? Would she pick out a special birthday outfit to wear today?

I wonder. I imagine. I dream.  I am sad. Truth be told, I am sad everyday without her.

I wish we could celebrate together, I wish her birthday was full of joy instead of sadness.

Today, August 16, 2019 has been  a very stormy and gloomy day. I am not even sure we have seen the sun, but plenty of rain drops have fallen from heaven. For Lola's day, we decided to meet at the beach this morning. It was lightly drizzling, and the waves were  crashing on the shore. Picking up a few tiny seashells to remember this day, we saw bright purple and yellow flowered vines have taken over parts of the beach area. Rain does bring some beauty. Of course, Finley requested to be the official pink rose "thrower" and without much thought we quietly whispered happy birthday. The rose was engulfed by the powerful waves, I had a quick  moment to look up at the gray clouds and sky. The vision that popped in my head was Lola, in my arms with her white hat and pink flower. That is why she always gets a pink rose on her birthday.

In honor of Lola, we purchased a small engraved gold foot that will adorn the fence at Bookworm Gardens. It will read " Happy 10th Birthday Lola!" I think it is perfect for her ten year angelversary. It reminds me of her precious little feet. You have to wonder where those precious little feet would have gone in ten years. One can only wonder... She came into our lives, left footprints on our hearts and we have never been the same.

Happy 10th Birthday Lola.

Love,
The Mother of an Angel

119 Months

It is a month away from Lola’s birthday, or I guess we could call it her angel day. The day she got her wings. I always feel her presence is with us, she is with our family. The last two adventures we have gone on this past month, each one of her brothers found a penny on our trip. I always have to remind the one who didn’t find one first, that there will be another one coming...their penny from heaven. I just think it’s so special for all of us, and it is so neat  for me to see them embrace their Lola penny. It probably is the best treasure yet...at least in my opinion! The littlest things can turn out to be the biggest things, the ones that fill our hearts with the most joy!

Love,
The Mother of an Angel

118 Months

The boys and I are back for a short summer trip to Wisconsin. On our plane ride here I pondered a couple “Lola” spots I wanted to visit. We are first going to look for her fence picket at the new children’s park here. I haven’t seen it yet, and hopefully I can get a picture with the boys for her angel book. I also look forward to seeing her brick and little engraved foot at Bookworm Gardens...that is always one of our favorite spots. Sheboygan is so close to my heart, and I love that I can take the boys here but also celebrate Lola too. It makes it more special to have these Lola spots in a place that was home.

We love you Lola!

Love-
The Mother of an Angel

117 Months

I used to get random pieces of mail for “Lola Grace Doepke,” it would make your heart sink and smile at the same time. I have not received any mail for her in the last couple years, it’s almost as if they have forgotten her or she never became their “best” customer. As years go by you wonder if people think of her less often too,  just like the mail. I will never forget Lola, I think about her every single day. Her loss stays with me, it’s the  part that never goes away. It could be a song I hear, a butterfly I see, the waves of the ocean, little girls with their moms at pick up.... the daily reminder of what I am missing, Lola. Lola will never be lost or forgotten with me, and who knows when the next random piece of mail will come labeled “Lola.” That piece will make my heart smile.

Love.
The Mother of an Angel

116 Months

Every night I say prayers with my boys before bed.  I feel like we follow a 'prayer order," starting with themselves and going down the line. Lola is always part of our prayer line up, just maybe God can let her know we think of her and love her so much.  Milo has started to say his own prayers (he is growing up too fast), but Finley will speak up when I say, "Finley's special prayer is for...." It has been hard to watch these little boys grieve for their best buddy Louie, and their continuos request has been for him almost every night since he past. I love to think that Lola and Louie are together, maybe it just makes the pain a little less or comforts me. What we wouldn't give to have one more day, even one more hour, or minute with them....for my little boys they just want to snuggle their dog again and meet their sister. Grieving takes time, it just doesn't go away.....

love,
the mother of an angel

115 Months

On Monday, March 11 right before noon we said our final good bye to our sweet dog Louie. I am not exaggerating when I say he was simply the best! Loyal, snuggly, attentive, smart, bossy, playful, loveable....those are just a few words to describe him. We could not have asked for a better gift, or member of our family. Louie just always seemed to complete us. Now that’s he’s gone I think we all feel a little lost. Louie has gone through a lot with our family, and no matter what happened there was Louie with his little adorable face and big eyes looking right at you, or ready to jump into your lap! He knew a tail wag or puppy kiss would generally make someone smile....I just truly loved that dog with my whole heart, he was my life savior. I sat and told him all our memories, from the moment we met  him until now. He just curled up beside me....wow, we had the best of times.

I’ll never forget when JP snuck him into the hospital after Lola left us, they both just wanted to make me smile. When I returned home from the most awful car ride from the Monterey hospital, Louie was there. He didn’t leave my side that day and for many days after that, even to the bathroom!  That was my Louie. We would sit in the empty nursery together and rock on the green chair together, we would walk past the ocean and sit on our bench everyday. I’m not sure I could ever repay him, expect that I hope he knows what love and admiration I had for him.

Louie gave me three big kisses on Monday and I told him to go to Lola, she needs her puppy in heaven. I also told him I would look at the stars each night and think of him. My two sweet Lo’s are gone, and I pray they are together. That same day I walked around my backyatd, and watched as my neighbor girl was running and her puppy was chasing her. I hope that is how Louie and Lola are.
I picked up Louie’s ashes today and now they are beside Lola’s. I wish we could all have more time...it’s just never enough.

This month we also lost Great Grandpa Doepke at the age of 103, he was just a wonderful, kind, and caring person. What an amazing life he lived and such a great role model for our family. I will always remember the tours of Alexian Village, and the beautiful Lola Grace Doepke tile he would always show us and their angel collection by the chapel. I bet Lola is enjoying meeting all her family, even though we miss them here so much.

Love,
The Mother of an Angel

114 Months

I think our family has had a little bit of every sickness out there the last month, from runny noses to lingering coughs and a stomach bug, I’m not sure we are catching a break!   The days are a little longer, the boys are a little crabby,  and we all feel a little more worn down than normal. That is okay though, because I keep reminding myself every night this soon will pass and this temporary bug will be over with. Sometimes it is so easy to be caught up in the moment when things are bad, or even our future worries. I think one thing Lola reminds me of everyday is to always live in the present moment and day, not the yesterday and tomorrow. I even find myself telling this to Milo, we both smile when I say it and I just thank Lola for this simple life lesson. We love you Lola!

Love,
The Mother of an Angel

113 Months

Last month I was debating if I would be able able to join my best girlfriends on a NYC holiday trip. Our precious dog Louie was not doing well and I had been at the vet with him just a couple days before I was supposed to  fly out. I was so torn. I felt so bad leaving Louie and giving JP the extra stress of caring for our sick dog. He assured me he had it all under control with his a smile and a hug....I packed last minute and decided to go. Now traveling  kid free is such a strange feeling or to even have time to myself! I actually bought a magazine, it’s really the little things!  We boarded the plane and as I sat down at my aisle seat, I quickly shoved my purse below....and there was a shiny penny right in front of me. What are the chances! I smiled and took a deep breathe. It really was okay to go, see I forgot we have this amazing angel watching over us all the time and I just needed that reminder.

It ended up being an amazing trip. JP held down the fort, and  I even found another penny along the way....
Thank You Lola.

Love,
The Mother of an Angel