8 months...

I say it every month but this day always seems to come to way fast....monthly milestones. 8 months. These days don't get easier, just proving time and again, the hole in my heart that will always be longing for her. JP called me this morning, he had found a penny....funny how angels speak to you. I could tell it had made him very happy, calling it a glimmer of hope.

I miss Lola very much, something that is so undescribable. A love that is irreplacable and beyond words. Iwould give the world to be able to hold her again. So sometimes I close my eyes so tight and try to remember her. Remember how if was to hold her, see her.....and kiss her on the forehead. I try to remember those times and smile. Like the song, Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it is breaking...when there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by. If you smile through your fear and sorrow. Smile and maybe tommorow, you'll see the sun come shining through for you.............

Although a tear maybe ever so near, that is the time you must keep on trying, smile what's the use of crying....you'll find that life is still worth while if you just smile.

I think Lola would say Smile.........One Day.............:)

5 O'Clock News

The other day the news came on and it brought me to complete tears. After Lola has passed, I know I have definetly become more sensitive and emotional, one thing can trigger a million emotions. The headlining story was about two teenagers that died in a car crash, my first thought is it so unfair, those young souls. As the story went on they talked about where this was also the spot where a 4 year old boy had also been killed in a car crash back in Septemeber. They mentioned no names BUT I know. I have met that family. I have exhanged hugs. I have seen pictures of their son playing with his toys, smiling...being a kid. We have shared our children together. Our sadness......

It reminded me how we often hear story or watch the news and then carry on with life.  Because they are just another story, another tragedy...pretty unfair. I often think that people think JP and I are just back to normal...I am not sure normal will ever be the case. But we do go on, but never EVER forget.

I remember getting the first baby announcement in the mail and pictures emailed of the brand new baby just not even a couple months after Lola died. At the time I was so angry, how could anyone be so insensitive I thought. I know JP looked at me with tears when he finished looking at those pictures, we didn't talk for hours. Now as I sit back and reflect....realizing that for others life just goes on. That is part of loosing a child is learning somehow, somewhere to accept the reality that the sun will rise and the sun will set. Things will happen that are beyound our control.......

I guess my whole point is, when I watched the news I was so touched.........it hit home. I listen to friends, even family complain about things in their life they are so unhappy with. Then I hear stories like the two teenagers and the four year old hit by the drunk driver. I can put a face with the story but there is nothing we can do to change those things BUT you can change the controllables in life. Maybe it makes no sense, but I guess don't sweat the small stuff.....in the end it doesn't matter anyways.

Settling In....

I noticed my last post was before the big move, see moving can be very time consuming! Those boxes seem to deplete at a snail's pace and sometimes you have to move a piece of furniture five times before you find just the right spot...or so you think??? The move overall seems to be very positive, a little like you can breathe more often....I remember thinking we'll never know if this helps unless we try it. I think it was a step in the right direction. Moving all of Lola's things was probably the hardest part. It is like revisiting every piece of furniture or gift and I would stop and think, "Oh that was fun a day when we got that, or she would have loved that gift from my girlfriends." Or oh that is so cute, sometimes it is easier when you can pack it away. Though I honestly can tell you I don't ever think I will part with one piece of it...

But here we are now, home sweet home....

I read this quote the other day from an angel mom, I think it is perfect. Defines my life.

There are moments in your life that make you and set the course of who you're going to be. Sometimes they are little, subtle moments. Sometimes they're big moments you never saw coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.

So true, I guess we are still on that journey finding out who we really are....

Love to Lola!

Precious.