160 Months

 It is that time of year again...Lola's angel tree is up and shining in all its glory. The angel we purchased for her for 2022 is lined with gold as she holds a trumpet. It is placed perfectly in the middle of the tree. Though there hasn't been much time to sit around and enjoy it's beauty, I have stolen a couple late night minutes looking at all the angels, sparkling in the white lights. I just love them and her. All the angel ornament gifts represent those that love her too. We adopted a foster girl for gifts this year. She was about fifteen. Milo and I kept saying we hope she likes what we picked out from her list, the season is about giving, and it is more special to give in Lola's honor. 

Merry Christmas to all...

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

159 Months

         My dad's funeral was exactly one year ago today. I found it very special or sign in some way that it was on the 16th. He would always tell me on the 16th or day after that he read her/my blog and then text that he thinks of her every day. I envision he probably watched the sunrise a hundred times and thought of her too. Maybe they get to watch it together now... I am itching to go home; I can't wait to go to the lake (even in the freezing wintry cold) and see a majestic sunrise over Lake Michigan for Lola and my dad. A way to keep their memories alive...

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

158 Months

         The International Wave of Light was yesterday, honoring babies around the world who died during pregnancy, were a stillborn, or died as an infant. Our candle glowed for an hour in honor of our sweet Lola. Milo wants to know how much longer we can use this same candle, possibly for eternity. As Finley blew out the candle at the end of our precious time, he sweetly whispered, "I wish you were here." Those are the times you are holding back your tears and trying to smile. I think as my boys grow up, they will continue to honor their sister's memory, at least that is my hope. Even today they both threw pennies into the Epcot fountain for her. Lola sure would have had fun with them! One can only dream...

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

157 Months

 This week I had the pleasure of volunteering at school picture day at the boys' school. It was such a joy to help the students get ready for their picture. I had middle school kids, second graders, third graders, and all the Special Ed students. I just have such a soft spot in my heart for those students. Just trying to get them to look at the camera, not be afraid, or smile was a huge task. Jingling keys, squeaking a mouse, and having combs in the air...we knew the picture was special for their parents. As I walked out of the gymnasium it made me think of an instance after Lola passed that really hit home. One nurse had come into my room saying you know she would have never "been okay" if she had made it through, I remember wanting to shout at her that I didn't care, why would she ever say that. I would have been happy if Lola was here regardless.  People say all the wrong things in time of grieving. I have learned sometimes no words, are the best words.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

156 Months

     Thirteen., the age Lola would have turned today. Priceless, the words written on the tag of the pink roses we purchased for her. Sad, the feeling that still has not gone away after all these years. I wish in a perfect world we could celebrate her birthday in a more "normal way."  Instead, every year on August 16th I try to find joy and some peace in keeping her memory alive and honoring her.  We donated fitted crisp white twin bedsheets, pink plush towels, dryer sheets, and lemonade packets to the Salvation Army in Lola's memory. I got sweet notes of others doing random acts of kindness in her memory too. The rose attached to her name at Shaw Park in Sheboygan, coffee for a stranger, popsicles at the bus stop, and a beer for the guy next to a friend on an airplane. We brought our five pink roses to the Celebration Memorial Garden and placed them next to statue of the little girl. Jp placed his rose in her hand, it was beautiful. At the end of the day, we lit her candle. Milo said Grandpa probably had a great birthday with Lola because we know how much he loves birthdays! I hope that is true. Happy Birthday Sweet Lola.

Love, 

The Mother of an Angel

155 Months

       This has been an absolute whirlwind in the last 48 hours for our family. I was awoken this morning by my phone loudly ringing and rattling against the table, it was a call letting me know our luggage was back in Orlando. I must have been in such a deep sleep because as I grabbed for the phone everything on my nightstand came with it except the lamp. My glasses, remote control. devotional, and my framed picture of Lola. It came down with a loud crash! That is the first thing JP said to me, "Kim, Lola's picture fell!" As I hung up the phone and gathered myself together, I picked up her picture. It was laying right between the bed and nightstand, the tricky tight squeeze of a spot but it was untouched and still perfect. I let out a sigh and smiled back at her. I placed the shimmering golden frame right back where it belonged, close to us. All was good....it was a such a reminder that things will be okay, just like these crazy last couple days of our lives. Thanks Lola...

Love, 

The Mother of an Angel

154 Months

 I am embarrassed to say that I missed yesterday's post on the 16th for Lola Grace, maybe the first time. I feel guilty about it, as it was always my commitment and promise to Lola to blog on her day and every month. As I went for a brisk walk this morning, it dawned on me. It was June 17th and I had missed it! Almost an instant panic set in and a soft whispered apology to Lola.  Definitely not an excuse but I was so exhausted from this recent Wisconsin trip.  My mind was in shambles. I guess sometimes life just gets in the way or takes our minds in a million different directions. Last night I still prayed to God to say Hi to Lola for me and that I miss her, my nightly routine. So missing this one time, I'm telling myself isn't so bad, though I never want to do it again. I love Lola and miss her everyday.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

153 Months

 We found a penny on Mother's Day just as we were purchasing 27 blue perennials for our home. A penny on that day is a little extra special angel touch!So now every time we water our new flowers or sit from our front porch gazing at the yard, it makes me think of that special Mom's Day penny. I know I will never receive an amazing handmade card from Lola or small gift she made at school, but that one penny is my never-ending sign from her.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

152 Months

    Loss has been on all of our minds since my dad has passed. I think that Milo and Finley are at an age where they have begun to understand death and as little as they are, they grieve. With that, sparks many questions...as I got Finley ready for a bed a few nights ago he had three important questions for me:

1. What does Lola like?

2. Is she a teenager yet?

3. What child is Milo? (Meaning is he the oldest or middle child)

I was kind of caught off guard, as his usual questions are how many days until Friday....I had to think and ponder the best answers for him. It was a very sweet Lola moment. and as I walked out of his room that night, I smiled and blew him a kiss. That child is wise beyond his age and his love for his sister in heaven is real. 

Happy Easter!

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

151 Months

 Sometimes life gets hectic. For the past month Jp and I have been “moved out” of our room during our master bath and closet renovation. Actually, we have probably moved out of our room three times since we moved in July- for flooring, wallpaper removal/painting, and this recent and last project. You feel displaced when all your belongings are scattered through out the house and in different rooms. I think I basically wore the same 3 pants and 3 shirts for a month, quite frankly because I could find them and they were clean. It’s easy to get caught up in the craziness of it all…That being said, it was so nice to put our room back together this last weekend.  Lola’s picture is back  on our dresser where it belongs… It’s kind of her space in our house. Her picture is a little bit of comfort and the spot where  everyone stacks their Lola Pennie’s they find. We love and miss her everyday.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel 

150 Months

 The other day I literally thought to myself that we need to stop buying green houses in the future. Seems strange, I know. Maybe green carries a bad energy or luck but when you actually google the meaning of green, it symbolizes the natural world, good luck, health. That doesn't sound so bad....

I think of the house on Shell Avenue in Pacific Grove, it was green. The place where Lola was to come home, her nursery ready. A lot of her room was green too! I still have her green flower wall art.  That home to me was filled with such sadness, it could never be our home. Our green house in Sarasota where we lost my mom. The green house in Celebration where we lost my dad. I can so vividly remember in these houses the devastating memories of those moments, the calls...so that is clearly why I have come the conclusion we can most definitely can never ever buy a green house again.

They say it does not matter about our homes but just the people in them. I surely think these homes would be better with those we have loved and lost and then maybe, just maybe green houses wouldn't be so bad.

Love, 

The Mother of an Angel

149 Months

 Lately I have been thinking about how the sad times and tragedies we face shape our lives. They seem affect us more than happier and more glorious moments. I don't think I have ever felt like the same person since we lost Lola and every person following that.  A piece of you and your heart dies with them. Life can be somewhat normal, but it is simply not the same anymore. In the back of your mind there is always the thought of "If Lola were here...." or seeing a mom and their daughter her age, you wonder "what if?" My heart goes out to anyone who has walked this same path of life, no matter how much time passes you still miss the ones you love that are no longer with us. 

Love,

The Mother of an Angel