148 Months

 This year is a little different for Christmas. It’s the first year we didn’t put up Lola’s angel tree. I feel guilty about it but in my heart I know she would understand. I am not feeling  in the spirit this year but trying my best for the boys. We decided as a family to buy a special tree this year, it’s smaller, colored lights. We put up a handful  of Lola’s angels on it and then replicated the tree my Grandma Van Haveren had. Her ornaments ( angels too), vintage tree topper, and even her silver garland around the tree. Finley and I still purchased our angel ornament of the year for Lola. It’s  a small crystal angel accented with champagne gold. On the description it says  that it stands for peace, love, hope, and light. I knew it was the one. Perfect for Lola. Next year her tree will be back up, maybe things will feel a little more normal somehow. 

My dad and I sponsored a foster child in Sheboygan for Lola before he passed. He actually delivered it on Thursday before he got sick. It was fun to order a Barbie Dream Van, Christmas Barbie of the year, and books for a child that may have not had a Christmas otherwise. He loved bringing in the toys, giving was so important to him. Especially in Lola’s honor. 

I received a card today from a high school friend. She wrote in it, “I can’t imagine how it was when your Dad and Lola reunited.” She sent along a beautiful gold glittery butterfly and told me this reminded me of them, together. 

Happy Holidays. 

Love- The Mother of an angel 

147 MONTHS

  Lola has gained another angel in heaven, her Grandpa Scott. One month ago today, my dad texted me that he looks forward to reading this blog and wanted me to know he thinks of Lola everyday. These are the  texts that I never want to leave my phone, the ones I have reread a million times since last week. My dad was so incredibly special to me, I could never explain the bond we shared. In my heart I want to believe Lola was one of the first to greet him at heavens gates and that they are together, my dad finally rocking his granddaughter. Just like Lola, they have taken a piece of my heart with them. I miss them terribly, sometimes so badly that it hurts to breath. Part of my only peace is that they are together, and boy oh boy is Lola lucky to have him.

Love- The mother of an Angel

146 Months

      Last night we lit our candle for Lola for the Wave of Light, it is the same candle we light for her birthday each year. The candle is getting older, just like Lola. Last night we watched it burn and the wax dripped slowly from both sides and filled in the glass candle holder.  As it lost its shape, I noticed the two sides cave in and form almost a heart shape. I even had to ask JP if he saw it too, I thought maybe I was seeing things. He confirmed the heart,  it was an angel sign from Lola. I think it is love.. Through all the years we have been apart, we still have love. Nothing can ever change that...

Love, 

The Mother of an Angel

145 Months

On my "walk to no where" today I happened to stumble across a Memorial Garden tucked right on the main street of Celebration. After taking a few steps down I could see names listed on small brick towers, a small vase with pink roses near one of them, and the butterflies and birds swooping through the air. It was truly angelic. Then I spotted the quaint little garden with a cherubim angel, a statue of a little girl with a bird on her shoulder, and other small pieces it seems loved ones left behind. The little purple flowers popped out of the ground and the bright yellow ones felt like happiness to me. The garden seemed to shine with tranquility. It was so peaceful and it was the perfect spot to find on Lola's day. Right then,  I decided it was going to become my new place! That statue of the little girl instantly made me think of Lola and how maybe God needed me to find this gem. Maybe she is in heaven sitting in a beautiful garden with a bird resting on her shoulder too, one can only imagine... 

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

144 Months

     Today, Lola is twelve. There are so many ways I wanted celebrate her but as we know, things don't always go according to plan. Of course Lola would know that...I just lit her candle a few moments ago and there is a vase of tiny pink roses in the kitchen for her birthday. I took a long walk alone this morning and it reminded me of coming home from the hospital "Lolaless."  I would walk and walk with Louie, trying to escape it all. I thought about the physical pain I went through and how amazing it is that our body heals so quickly! If only that was the same with our hearts because my heart still aches for Lola everyday. Twelves years later...

    This birthday we were blessed with the opportunity to purchase a granite book that will have "Lola Grace Doepke" etched into. It is something we have always wanted to do, an idea my dad came up with years ago. We look forward to seeing it next summer at Bookworm Gardens in Sheboygan.  The boys also left a pink rose and a penny at the church for her . Milo gave Lola his lucky penny from his backpack! It was sweet to hear them say "Happy Birthday Lola!"

      So as I finish her birthday blog, I am blowing out her candle and making a wish...a wish that she knows up above how much she is loved, cherished and missed here on earth. We love you, Lola! Happy 12 years!

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

143 Months

   As I rummaged through a cabinet today I came across a home video my friends and family made me after Lola passed. Next, I found all the movies my friends had sent for me to watch while I recovered and sat at home. It made me smile knowing how much thought and love went into this. I think they would have just about done anything to make me smile at the time. How times have changed...Now, not many people buy DVDs  or even have a DVD player. Our lives are kind of consumed by everything digital.  Finding these treasures reminded me today of the love and thoughtfulness of so many family and friends. How they loved Lola and shared the pain and sadness. I am not sure what we would do without our village and those that always keep Lola close in their hearts.

Love-

The Mother of an Angel

142 Months

 We found a penny as a family last week and finding a penny altogether can only mean good things! To me, that penny meant Lola's blessing. There are some new changes on our horizon and I really needed to find that penny last Saturday. I even had my angel box with me all day, the one that has every good angel thing in it! I think as our life changes and time goes on it is always reassuring to find that special sign from above. It is my Lola thing and sure to change a stressful or bad day into a smile. 

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

141 Months

 Last Sunday we celebrated Mother's Day and every year I think I write about what a struggle this day still is for me. I guess you would think as years pass by it gets "easier" but each year I think it takes on a new meaning for me. It is not as painful of a day as it once was, but it is still the presence of Lola being gone. She will always be the missing piece to my puzzle. It makes me sad to think and know that another angel mom just celebrated her first Mother's Day with her baby in heaven. That day is horrible, the kind you just want to sleep away because in a perfect world every mother leaves the hospital with their newborn child. She then watches them grow, cherishes each memory, and loves them with her whole heart. The mother of an angel still loves her child with her whole heart but spends her whole life thinking what if or how it would be. I do that a lot. I wishful think of Lola.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

140 Months

      The other day I had a friend venting to me all about her teenage daughter. Their unsuccessful shopping experience, reading books that are too "old" for her, and websites she should not be on were on her list. She said "Be glad you get to "skip" over this with boys." I know she would have never said that to me if she knew about Lola but still it stung.  I would love to be able to argue with Lola about clothes, boys, or whatever it maybe. Sometimes when we are dealing with unpleasant issues, that is all we focus on...Not the fact that we are lucky to be able disagree with our kids or even have bad days with them. I am guilty of that too. Then conversations like this remind me what we are missing out on, what Lola is missing out on. It really makes you stop and think...everyday is a gift, even every disagreement or growing pain is a gift in disguise.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

139 Months

  It is hard to explain the feeling you carry around when you loose a child. I look at my family and always feel she is missing. The little moments, the big moments and even the everyday moments you wonder what it would be like if Lola were here with us. I think almost everyday I have “one” of those thoughts. Sometimes the best thing is to close my eyes and pictures how it would be. My three kids walking down Main Street, my three kids jumping in the pool, my three kids screaming at each other in the back of the car. Just my three kids...because in my heart that is the way it always is.

138 Months

  A few days ago I told a good friend of mine that I just felt like I needed a sign to give me the answer to the problem we were dealing with. She was so sweet to reply " a penny from Lola would be perfect." Though I never found my penny, here I found myself sending Finley back to school on the 16th of the month. The one day of the month where I sit and write this blog for Lola, the day I celebrate Lola in months and years. I am beginning to think the 16th was my sign. I spent a lot of time praying on this and hoping as a mom that I would do the right thing. I also have told myself a million times this morning that this is all in God's hands and it is. Hoping Lola can watch over Finley from above too, he may need his big sister keeping a close eye on him.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

137 Months

As we packed up the all of Lola's angels after New Years,  Finley wanted to know what her angel ornament would look like next year. I love how he is already looking forward to next year...sometimes I wish I could have a child like perspective on everything just like Finley. He thinks next year, while my parent like mind wonders how next year will go. Will we all make it through this pandemic, will everyone be safe...When we lost Lola, I fully realized and grasped the concept how there may not be a tomorrow. Nothing is promised. Every moment and second counts. Even with my pregnancy with her, I wish I could have enjoyed it more, really taken in it. Of course I loved every kick I felt, sounds of her heartbeat, and  picture of Lola on her ultrasounds. But to really take it all in...that is what I want to aim for in 2021. Making every moment and second count, .just like Finley and Lola.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel