92 Months

In October, my Mom sent me a package. The theme was pink, pink for Lola. A pink wallet, a pink robe, pink nail polish, pink mascara tube and of course pink lipstick. That was a signature of my Mom- if you are ever having a really bad day, buy a new lipstick she always told me, it just makes you feel better....if that were true I would have bought a lot of lipsticks in the last 3.5 weeks. This Lola package is the last package I'll ever receive from my Mom.  She told me how proud of me she was for carrying on Lola's memory during infant and pregnancy loss month and being brave. She loved me and the package was to make me smile. If I only would have known.

I have lost the two most important woman in my life...my daughter and my mother. I won't ever have them back. There's no tomorrows or what ifs because it is what it is. I lost a piece of me with Lola and another with my Mom. When I went through my mom's nightstand she had saved three letters I had sent her about Lola, 7.5 years later.. One letter I thanked her for helping me after Lola passed, for letting me sit in bed and cry, for hugging me... for being my Mom. I wish I could have done the same for her. I'm pretty good at fixing things or so I like to think....

I hope and pray lola and my mom are together. I hope they know how loved and missed they are.
And in time we will  start to heal or learn to live our lives in a different way. In time....
There is a penny representing  Lola in my mom's grave. She truly loved all her grandkids and had a beautiful soul.

Love-

Mother of an Angel