40 Months- holidays 2012

Sitting in the glow of a Christmas tree and a candle, filled with holiday spirit and the smell of that new cut Christmas tree in your home. It reminds me a lot of being a child, don't we miss those carefree, believing in Santa kind of days. Every white light is lit, the angel greets friends and family on our doorstep and we have 58 angels hanging on this years lola angel tree. It's stunning, I love every angel on this tree. I remember where each one is from or where we purchased it. Our new ornament this year resembled a golden fairy angel, whimsical... I know lola loves it. Milo likes to go and touch it, " angel" he says... Today is Lola's great grandfather's funeral. We went to buy a special angel ornament for him... It will always be grandpa heimer's angel. ( & then we had to get one for Lola too). They are in heaven watching over us...the first family member she got to greet at heaven's door. We will miss him dearly, he was a good man with a wonderful soul. I bet lola will be gardening with him in heaven or learning some new tricks. I'm so thankful to my family and grandma for including Lola in his obituary and also setting up a memorial for Bookworm Gardens in remembrance of miss lola grace. For any parent, when your child is remembered it warms your heart. God Bless everyone this holiday season...hopefully when you see an angel this Christmas you will be reminded of the ones we have had had to say good bye to and our now heaven's angels. Love- Lola's mommy

39 months

I had such a good feeling today, the kind where you feel like your heart could explode from your chest. I felt at home. I felt at peace. A monarch butterfly has been outside our house every morning. It's a sign. Life is a mixture of nightmares and fairy tales dreams. Funny how you can live both at the same time. That's exactly how I would describe our life. Pinch me if I am dreaming life in Key West with our family is the best, wake me up from this nightmare that Lola isn't physically here with us. Someday we will all be together...until then we just keep moving forward. That's where life as an angel mom is hard, 3 years later and I'm still learning. I'm still picking up the pieces. I'm still searching for answers. Always cautiously optimistic...we just have to trust their is a plan for all of us. Our hearts will heal, a new day will begin and somehow life goes on with the love of Lola in our hearts. I just have a feeling Lola would say- make it a great day, everyday. Mom of an angel

38 Months

Yesterday was the international wave of light...amazing to think about all those candles lit for the babies we said good bye to, too soon. When you read the remarks that parents, grandparents and friends leave about these special angels, you feel the pain through their words. For me, it makes me aware I am not alone in this world. That another mother out there understands my pain. They know the daily struggle. They are too familiar with the imperfect world we have to live in. One where you rejoice in your child here on earth and grieve daily for the one God has chosen for heaven. Some say he picks the best to bring to him, I am sure Lola was one of them. I am touched that so many of my friends and family continue to remember Lola. They lit a candle for her, send me kind notes and pictures. That encouragement and support is what we, we meaning angel parents need. Sometimes I think people thinking speaking of Lola is taboo, awkward, uncomfortable. For me it's not, it is how I cope. My life is not kept in bottle and either is Lola's story. She is and will always be a part of our lives. She has made me a better mother to Milo. She reminds me of patience and kindness, when otherwise I would not. She watches over her two brothers, Louie and Milo. She protects us and keeps us under her wings. When you meet someone like me or my husband or someone who has lost someone so special to them, talk about their angel once in awhile. You may warm their heart. Always Remember. Lola's Mom ps-JP found a penny today!!!always happens on the 16th...

37 Months

Our first blog from the island. Key West, Florida 9-16-2012 Life is a journey. We may have arrived at our temporary destination but I think life has a lot more paths to lead us on. I had always had this feeling our family needed a tropical home and for many reasons. Some of my last moments I remember with Lola on the way to the hospital that night was listening to some good old Jimmmy Buffett. Tropical, care free, fun music...Maybe that was our sign that life would lead to more sunshine, beaches and island life. Lola's direct orders for her family. The pain is less here. I could never describe it you or explain it but it is. I feel like for now this should be home. The adventure isn't as easy as I thought and maybe things haven't exactly fallen into our cookie cutter plan. But I can tell you there are worst things in life. Take each day with stride. Trust in God. It's all about the journey. My road to the hospital that night may have ended with some jimmy buffett tunes but.. Our journey continues here with our same tunes cruising down US 1... Lola was smiling down at us I am sure of it. JP found a penny today. Lola sure likes her Dad to find them. She sure brings us joy when we need it. I am not sure when we will ever reach our destination but we have to believe this path we are on has been mapped out by God. Good things will come...stay tuned. Love, Lola's Mom A special happy birthday wish to Howard Doepke- 97 years of amazing journeys!!!!! Lola's Great Grandpa. An amazing person and role model for us all.

36 months-3 years

Happy birthday Sweet Lola.... 3 years, it is pretty unbelievable but still feels like yesterday. Happy birthdays echoed at our house tonight as we belted out happy birthday to Lola. It was my favorite moment of the day. An empty house ( literally) and all four of us singing in unison, one angel listening from heaven. I know Lola was smiling down on us. For us, we spent Lola's day quite differently than in the past. I wonder if God chose our moving day as the 16th on purpose, all part of his plan. All part of us having to face the world on a day we would rather not. It made me realize, yes life goes on but for angel parents you sometimes want it to pause. I would pause lots of Lola moments if I could. We found two pennies today, what a celebration! JP found one this mornings as he was out in Seaside, he was so excited. That is what you pray for on these days, a sign. The second penny the three of us found together. Our movers insisted milo pretend drive the moving truck when it was all packed. He was over the moon, a big truck! As we went to place him in the driver seat, there in the middle of it was one shiny penny. Lola was watching over us, maybe a confirmation that this new journey is right for ALL of us. For a split second, it just makes you smile. In honor of Lola we donated food to the i help pantry in pacific grove, we had fun at Costco thinking of all the goodies and hungry mouths the items would feed. We also donated to the life program in salinas for the children. It just feels good to help others, it feels good to give in Lola's name. We made our last trip to our special church today, I think that was one of the hardest parts of today. Pink flowers were blooming, the sun was peaking through the clouds, it was peaceful. It is always a healing spot. We left behind an angel plaque and sign that reads the following: Faith to light the darkened sky, strength to carry on, Love to touch and heal the soul, HOPE to grace the dawn. It was a perfect moment, a perfect time to say good bye to the city we met Lola in.I will never forget this church. It was meant to help us heal, it was meant to remind us to keep dreaming. It simply a stunning spot. Three balloons went off to heaven, one pink rose drifted off to sea... The love and support from our family and friends humbles us. I guess more the love for Lola and how one angel can effect so many lives. Remembering Lola today and everyday. That cute little baby with the white hat adorned with a pink flower. She looked angelic from the moment I laid eyes on her. Happy birthday baby girl! Love, Your family

35 Months

It's hard to believe we are approaching the 3 year mark of saying good bye to Lola...mind boggling all the things that have happened in three years. The emotional roller coaster that we go on daily, and yet it is the ride that will never end. Around each bend there is something new, something that sparks an emotion or breaks down the ride. But we keep going. Then we proceed to get off and ride again. I would like to tell the ride operator aka God, "I am done" but that doesn't work. Loosing Lola is part of our life and we somehow face our fears and emotions and we go. Sometimes holding on for dear life. We had some beautiful Lola moments on our trip...it is great to share Lola stories. -Carly and Josh's wedding, was the picture perfect day you could imagine for one of your closet friends. They were so happy and in love, they were beaming. She was a beautiful bride! They were so sweet and kind to remember Lola Grace on their wedding memory table. When I saw it, I broke down in tears. It was just so touching, it is the little things. Keeping her memory alive. When I approaced and thanked her about it, she explained if Lola was with us she would have been one of her flower girls, ahhhh sigh. She said Lola passing had such an effect on her. Her Mom a couple years ago gave her the Lola perfume and she says anytime she is having a bad day, she puts it on and it makes her smile. Things could be worse...with that I say it is amazing and she is an amazing friend. -My aunt has a beautiful angel sculpture in her yard. It is her Lola spot, as she calls it. This was the first time I had ever seen it. The angel has her hands open and stands quite tall. In it, JOan keeps the pennies she finds, I would say there are about 40 or more in her hands. She keeps them out there all year long....amazing even during the winter snow or wind storms not one has fallen out. Milo liked visiting the angels with aunt Joan. -On our visit to the Senior Doepkes, we walked through the greenroom in their community. They had purchased a tile on the floor that reads, "In Memory of Lola Grace Doepke." We always stop to look at it upon visits. Then very sweetly I heard Grandma Doepke say, "Hi Lola." It was just such a nice moment or an amazing Lola moment. It is nice to share stories since often I just write about emotions or thoughts,new memories are good. So back on the roller coaster we go... The ones who love and support us hop on for the ride with us. They hold your hand when you feel you can't face the day. They make you laugh when you would rather cry. They make you face your fears and most importantly they love Lola. Thanks for riding with us....tickets please.

34 Months

Precious Moments...that is what I like to call them. The moment you can close your eyes and it makes you almost sigh. Try it, wondering what came to mind... Milo and I visit Lola's pink rose bush almost everyday- sunny days, rainy days, foggy days. Milo likes to see the "anl", let me translate, "angel." There is a little circular angel plaque buried by the roses, he must think it is pretty. I looked up into the sky one particular day, white fluffy clouds simmered through the sky, birds were singing and you could probably here the hum of the highway off in a distance. I said, "Hi Lola." I always do. Then Milo looked at me with his ever sweet endearing eyes and mimicks me..."hi lola." Smiles and waves. A precious moment. I think my heart melted a million times, thoughts zoomed in my head and tears clouded my eyes. I always think how much we miss her but then the thought that Milo never will have those big sister moments. It is unexplainable. So we make moments, Lola moments that is. When I close my eyes, I see Lola. She is in JP's arms, he is wearing a green polo sweatshirt and yellow t-shirt. She has stark white cap on adorned with a pink flower. She is wrapped in a blanket and her little floral kimono top peeks out from the top. Her eyes are closed, she is peaceful. But I'll still never understand...even though I feel some peace from that moment. I will never forget it, August 16, 2009. Keep precious moments in your back pocket, bring them out on a bad day. Close your eyes and bring peace your way. Or better yet, make a Lola moment. I look forward to the Lola moments we have with Milo. XOXOXOXO

33 Months

Happy Mother's Day. I remember my first mother's day. It was extremely hard. I was still a Mom but to many they couldn't see that. They don't see angels and neither do I. But I know Lola is with us. I think she is Milo's guardian angel.I think she is always saying to him, "just smile" and he does. He radiates pure joy. Last year we planted this simple pink rose bush in our backyard, it is adorned with a small angel plaque. On Saturday, the first two pink blooms were ready to be cut and displayed. As I walked down the stairs, there they were sitting on the counter with the sun shining in on them,a little sparkly glass vase.(thanks to my wonderful husband) How could you not smile. So do I beleive Lola is with us... Always. She sent me my mother's day flowers...2 pink roses from her bush. You can call me crazy but how do those things just happen...I will always look for signs. I am still learning and growing as mom on earth and mom to an angel. It's a strange balance. There is so much happiness and yet there is always a little "sting" in the day. Something that jabs at you, reminds you things are far from perfect...just like the thorn of a rose. So beautiful, but touch the rose in the wrong spot and a little- owie as milo calls it may appear. I am not sure I will ever be able to comprehend the thorn. I just will never understand. But somehow we learn to make peace with our lives and view the beauty in people and the moments we share with them. I guess we need to take time and SMELL THE ROSES. So happy mother's day to all the moms out there- I hope the next time you see a pink rose you will think of little Lola. Smile.

32 Months

4 letter words...go....

I was thinking about the things Milo and Lola have in common the other night. When Milo is peacefully resting, I see features of his sister in him. The face, the eyes and then a gentle kiss on his forehead reminds me of how blessed we are. Special children they are. Besides physically,they also both remind me of some other important 4 letter words...

LOVE
HOPE
PRAY

and the most important 4 letter words to us...

LOLA
MILO

The spare moments I have in the day, where I can allow my mind to wander always leads to Lola. I LOVE her. I HOPE one day we will meet again. I PRAY she is okay. It was so hard to walk away from the hospital 32 months ago, empty arms. Today we don't have the empty arms but the empty heart. That piece will always be with Lola. love*hope*pray

31 Months

I hear the rain beating against the windows. Actually that's all I hear. It is very still and silent at our house tonight. The rain at night I think is somewhat enjoyable, it is heavenly to sleep to. I often wonder if rain could be all the angels crying in heaven, they must miss us too...

Sometimes at night I lay awake wondering what life would be like if Lola was here, those are the nights you toss and turn and don't get much sleep, you still wonder where things went so wrong. Even though so much time has passed, the feelings don't and won't. I'm still sensitive about so many things with Lola. Our life is in many ways like a book. You really have to ask the questions or read the story to know about us, because there is so much more to us than a husband, wife, a darling son, Milo and a cute dog. That's what you see on the cover. On the inside their is an angel and her story created our life or what life is now without her. It's the little things like the stranger in the grocery store, asking is he your only child...the list goes on. The things that pierce your heart but you just smile and go on. Because that's life. That's our life. Not everyone will know our story. That's something you learn to accept as an angel mom.

I cherish the times when family and friends talk about Lola, "auntie" sara still tells me on the 16th she will remember and never forget. So Lola knows, she has a fan club here on earth...so this rain must be tears of joy. The rain is still tapping on the windows...


love you lola!!!

30 Months...

Calling on Angels...Lola Grace...

Milo has a book about angels, he brings it to me everyday to read to him. Maybe he is fasinated by the pictures or maybe he likes all the stories of angels. The book says to call on angels when you need them, do you need help...just ask! Seems pretty simple.

Our Angel Lola List:

Be with Great Grandma as she starts chemo today.-I am taking it that they scheduled it on the 16th to be a good sign, an angel is with her today. The 16th is always a special day. We need a miracle.

Help Milo to feel better from his cold- he sure is happy despite the sniffles

Give us lots of encouragement and hope today- let's concquer some DREAMS

Thanks for the sunshine today...smiling down on us?

Protect all of our loved ones

That is just today's list...it is differemt everyday. That's why we have gaurdian angels and God to turn too. No problem too big or too small.

Jp saw 2 rainbows in one day. My mom found 2 pennies yesterday. Our favorite angel signs.

call on your angel.

Love you Lola!

29 Months

The holiday season is offically over. Decorations are taken down, put away in anticiaption of next year. Sometimes it is the getting "excited" over things that is the best part...like the countdown until a good vacation, the start of your favorite tv show or even a birthday. There is such a hype. I guess we anticipate the things we love most...

There was a lot of anticipation for us this month. Lola's story arrived on newstands over the Monterey Peninsula the week of Jan.9. The thought of thousands of people reading her story brings tears to my eyes. I have always said and will say it until the day I die, that keeping Lola's memory alive is one of the most important things in my life. Part of the reason I blog on the 16th of each month. A time to sit and reflect, a time for little Lola. It takes only a few minutes to read "pennies from heaven" but can teach you life lessons in those few paragraphs.

1. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
2. Count your Blessings
3. Never stop dreaming
4. Love-LOVE-love
5. Cherish the time you have with your loved ones- family and friends are everything

I could keep going on and on with lessons Lola has taught me and our family. It was defintely an emotional process being interviewed, sharing your darkest hours with a stranger. But someone once told me that part of the grieiving process is to tell your story at least 100 times...well take that times 10 or more. So in a way this article was a blessing.

I am always proud and lucky to be Lola's mom. I will cherish the time we did have together and the opportuntiy to kiss her sweet forehead and tell her I love her. Face to face.

Life goes on...that is the hard part.

But we never forget.....so yes pennies from heaven are smiles from angels.
Especially the cute little angel with the flowered hat!!!