100 months

This year Lola's tree has 79 angels in our collection. Our family added two angels to our tree and a butterfly. The first ornament is a winter scene with a small angel placing her hand on a deer.  It's very peaceful and tranquil, something about it makes you smile. This is Finley's favorite because it lights up! It has become his duty to turn it on every morning...but what I love most about this one in particular is when I click off the tree at night, it's the last light glowing. All on its own, it definitely captures the magic and spirit of this tree and Lola.

Our second ornament was a little seashell angel the boys picked out. They know how much we love angels at Christmas time! 

And the butterfly...though not an angel, it's a beautiful glass butterfly. They tend to  symbolize endurance, change, hope and life. This ornament also has etched in it 2017 and I think I needed it to represent the amazing and special women and little girl I have lost. It will be a reminder each year of them. Christmas is such a special time and is full of such wonderful memories for me as a child. I never want to forget that. No one should ever be forgotten, the young and the old.

I just love the Lola tree tradition. I love the collection. I love the sparkles and everything shiny that encompasses this tree. It's the perfect way to capture Lola. This year it also gave me the chance to enjoy the moment of putting up all the angels my mom and grandma had sent over the years. It made it even more special. We truly everyday miss Lola with all our hearts.

Merry Christmas and don't ever forget those angels....

Love- Lola's Mom 

99 Months

Finely and I picked out a little Christmas angel today for Lola. The funny thing about this ornamnet is, it's not perfect.  It maybe shaped a little funny at the bottom and Finley referred to it as "broken." I guess we could have easily picked another one but I felt like this needed to be on our tree, just the way it is.  It reminds me that just like our lives, there will always be imperfections. I sometimes close my eyes and think of this journey, my personal life journey. I feel like I somehow must have done something terribly wrong to endure the losses and struggles  we have. And then sometimes a smile on my boy's face or a day of health can remind me of some of my incredible blessings too, it's that friendly reminder that things could always be worse.

This angel was a perfect reminder of that today for me and as we walked out of the store Finely said "Mom, what's next on the list?" My heart said so much more....so much more.....

Love-
The mother of an angel

98 Months

"A luminous light remains where a beautiful soul has passed."

A perfect quote to capture the beauty and meaning of the Wave of light which was yesterday, a day to remember all those little babies that have been taken from us to soon. I just can't even begin to imagine all the candles that were lit yesterday for these angels. The candle flame seems to hold so much beauty and peace to it, we use the same candle every year for Lola's birthday and this occasion.
It's getting smaller as the years go by and taking different shapes and molds, much like our grief.
Last night this candle had some wax leak onto the counter.  As the piece dried, I picked it up and looked like the shape of an angel wing!  I even asked JP what he saw- just to make sure I wasn't a little bit crazy! It made last night even more special for us....it's definitely Lola's candle.

There truly isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Lola-it seems when I have a moment to myself she's the first thing that pops up. It's just that missing piece of your life....I think the wave of light gives us an extra special time to focus on her, to love, to grieve and to try to embrace her journey. It's also great to know we are not alone...

We love you so much Lola-

Mother of an Angel

97 Months

When I had one hour to pack up our suitcases to head out from Hurricane Irma there wasn't a lot of time to stop and think... The only thing on my mind was our essentials for a couple days. In what seemed like a mad dash to beat traffic and secure fuel for our car, I froze. I wanted and needed to take with me a couple things that meant the most to me, Lola's urn and my angel box. I could never imagine them not being with us or not being able to see them again, and so we all headed out at one am in the morning for what turned out to be a twelve hour drive. We made it to our destination.  Our house and community missed the wrath of Irma and my treasured items came back home. I would like to believe just maybe they helped us along the way too!

We always need an angel by our sides....
Thanks Lola!

Love -
The Mother of an Angel

96 Months

Happy Birthday Sweet Lola.

It's been 8 years...
I treasure  the traditions we have started and continue every year on your birthday. I love that your brothers share the joy in it, from coloring you a special pink balloon, to giggling at eight bouncy balloons! It's our family.  I think this time of year I tend to focus on all the memories and time we have lost with Lola. All the cries, smiles, battles, whining, giggles, screams, the everything, the good and the bad. I'm not sure why this was her plan, why this was our plan and it still makes me angry. Eight years later it still does not make sense but I have to trust God on this one.

My day started by hearing that it was the 40th year celebration of Elvis Presley's death, I could not believe my Grandma Mary had never shared this with me- Elvis and Lola had something in common. It made me think of my Grandma, Mom and Lola. Sigh and a Smile, maybe Lola was having an Elvis dance Birthday party this year. She has more family to celebrate with....

It's hard to loose our family members and loved ones, losing Lola is the hardest thing ever and still is. I am so blessed this year to be able to purchase in her memory a granite book at bookworm gardens to celebrate this angelversary. It is something I have always wanted to do! ( thank you grandma) I look forward to my next visit to Sheboygan to enter this magical story garden and take a seat in the memory library, looking at her special book. A little Lola spot, I've always thought it would be so perfect.

Her memory lives on. From the cards, sweet messages and even a surprise of providing  meals to the needy in her memory at a soup kitchen today. A lot of people remembered you today Lola. You are so loved, missed and treasured always.

Love you to the moon and Back-

mother of an angel

95 Months

The other day I felt like I needed a sign, a little something to give me a "push."
I got out of the car, looked up at the bright blue sky and said "Lola, I really really need a penny today."Milo looked at me with a confused grin and we carried on....I didn't particularly believe we would find one but hoped. It's been a hard year, hard last few months  and in my heart I just needed this. This penny to me was almost  like a reassurance things were going to be okay...

At our last stop of the day, unloading the boys from the car in the Florida afternoon heat, there lay a shiny penny in the parking lot. Milo squealed and quickly grabbed it. We got our special request penny, maybe everything was going to be okay. I needed that Lola penny, that reminder. Thank you Lola!

Love- The Mother of an Angel

94 Months

This month we lost one of the greatest women in my life, I was lucky enough to call her my grandmother, Marilynn Heimer.  This was Lola's great grandmother who crocheted her signature flower caps. The pictures of Lola in these are some of my favorite, and now when I look at them I will have two reasons to smile and remember those beautiful souls. After Lola passed my grandmother crocheted the same hats to donate to the hospital, and of course I saved a couple of my own, now I consider them treasures. She was such a wonderful, strong individual and now Lola gets to enjoy time with her but the world sure is missing them both!

The cycle of life.... I sure have learned a lot about it. I watched my children play and run in the cemetery, as we were burying my grandmother's ashes....She would have smiled and told us,"let them be." In fact we all chuckled as we looked over at them. Life is about change, adapting to change and learning how to move on but without forgetting, because i believe the ones we loose shape our lives. Maybe they teach us to live everyday like it is our last or to enjoy the simplest of things.

I wish I could hug them all one more time, tell them I love them but I hope they already know. It is never easy to say good bye.

Love-

The Mother of an Angel

93 Months

There is a wonderful devotion that has really stuck with me, in fact there is a picture of it on my phone  for a little reminder.  I love how things speak to you and our life circumstances, just when you need them the most. Thank you Lord!  The message is that life is full of seasons, the  good and bad. These seasons of our lives are temporary, they will eventually come to an end. When we are faced with a difficult  time we should remember the last challenge we overcame, the lessons we learned and how it somehow became okay. It's better to be up and then down......and this season will pass.

I can recall so many seasons of my life and where we are now today. The hardest maybe Lola and maybe the season has passed but the sadness never quite goes away, i carry it with me. We learned, we had to accept death and good byes, when I almost felt like it never had a chance to begin. I wish life was exactly how we imagined it to be -everything that is good! So here I am reminding myself that this season will pass....because in a way Lola has taught me this.

Love-
the mother of an angel

92 Months

In October, my Mom sent me a package. The theme was pink, pink for Lola. A pink wallet, a pink robe, pink nail polish, pink mascara tube and of course pink lipstick. That was a signature of my Mom- if you are ever having a really bad day, buy a new lipstick she always told me, it just makes you feel better....if that were true I would have bought a lot of lipsticks in the last 3.5 weeks. This Lola package is the last package I'll ever receive from my Mom.  She told me how proud of me she was for carrying on Lola's memory during infant and pregnancy loss month and being brave. She loved me and the package was to make me smile. If I only would have known.

I have lost the two most important woman in my life...my daughter and my mother. I won't ever have them back. There's no tomorrows or what ifs because it is what it is. I lost a piece of me with Lola and another with my Mom. When I went through my mom's nightstand she had saved three letters I had sent her about Lola, 7.5 years later.. One letter I thanked her for helping me after Lola passed, for letting me sit in bed and cry, for hugging me... for being my Mom. I wish I could have done the same for her. I'm pretty good at fixing things or so I like to think....

I hope and pray lola and my mom are together. I hope they know how loved and missed they are.
And in time we will  start to heal or learn to live our lives in a different way. In time....
There is a penny representing  Lola in my mom's grave. She truly loved all her grandkids and had a beautiful soul.

Love-

Mother of an Angel

91 Months

After returning from another wonderful trip at Disney, I do believe it maybe the most magical place. Everything about it is almost perfect, an escape from reality. On our last visit we tossed pennies into the small world ride for Lola.  Each time we went on that ride I wondered  if the Lola pennies were still there...there are literally hunderends of coins tossed by others. Some of these coins have even made there way onto  the carpet by the performing dolls and you have to wonder how long they have been there. I always think maybe this would have been one of Lola's favorite rides...for some reason I like it. It reminds me of the wind up musical glass figurines my grandmother bought me on special occasions. I remember thinking how magical they were as a child, a little girl's dream. I even managed to keep one through all these years and moves, when you wind it up, it still moves in a circle and plays a little tune.  I would have loved to share it with Lola....

But on this trip we found two dimes...one in our hotel room and one at the Lego store. Not pennies but they still felt special. I told Milo Lola was really rooting for him to get a new Lego set! And that is  the everyday magic from an angel or our special angel, Lola.  I just feel she is always with us....

Lots of Love and Have a magical day! 

The mother of an angel

90 Months

I have always loved the beach. The waves, the sand in your toes and just the feeling of relaxation that it brings. It reminds me of being a kid and spending endless summer days at Lake Michigan. To be a kid and care free again.....that is why it is such a joy to watch Milo and Finley have their own beach adventures. One thing we love to do together is search for sea shells. Milo has become my shell buddy, as we look for the most unique and sometimes large shells. We always look for our Lola angel shells and if we don't find one, we look for the pink/reddosh shells to add to our Lola collection. I keep them in a small shiny silver bowl in my night stand, it's the perfect Lola treasure. See even at the beach, she's with us and creating memories.

Love-
The Mother of an Angel

89 Months

There is always this feeling I get after the holidays,  all the joy and excitement that surrounds it ends so quickly. The tree becomes full of all the opened presents, the elf has gone back to the north pole and Santa is no longer watching if we have been good or bad. Oh and the music, suddenly we can't listen to Christmas music anymore! It is always hard to take down the Lola tree, I secretly wish we could keep it up all year long. I noticed this year that each angel has a box or container it belongs to. The process of taking it down seems to go effortlessly, everything has a place.

It reminded me about the place Lola holds in my heart. She can't be with us but she is forever and ever in my heart and on my mind. I hope the tree is a good representation of our never ending love for her. So until next year the angel box is packed away but I already can't wait to find our next angel ornament for 2017.  It will be a year of making new memories but always treasuring the memories and people we hold dear to our hearts.

Love- The Mother of an Angel