Christmas Day

Someone told me during the holiday season that I should be most excited b/c that is when all the angels sing!!
Our Christmas Tree made it up to 22 angel ornaments this year...each year we will hopefully add on our additions until we have the full blown angel tree, complete with white sparkling lights and gold and silver bulbs! At least what I envision...so today I put a collaboration of different "angel" Christmas Songs for Lola..


Hark the Herald Angels Sing...Glory to the newborn King...


Angels we have heard on high sweetly singin o"er the plains...

Sing choirs of angels, sing in exulation...

While mortals sleep, the angels keep their watch of wondering love...

With the angels let us sing, Alleluia to our King- Christ the Savior is Born....

Bless all the dear children in thy tender care, and fit us for heaven to live with thee there...
 
Today is not about the presents, the tree...it is celebrating the gift God gave us....
 
For the last couple weeks we have been shaking a snow globe for Lola everyday. It is really quite beautiful, silver Christmas tree with a silver bottom and then the beautiful "snowflakes" enclosed. I think heaven probably has silver Christmas trees...what a sight! She must be having the most wonderful Christmas!
 
Love to you all on this Holiday!

4 months...

I am not really sure what to say about today...4 months. Most of the day was spent in tears...
It was a sad day. I feel though like I had to write something today, even if its not much. Just a few sentences, Just so she knows.

A Day for Lola...

My heart is heavy today. I miss my baby girl. My angel.

Yesterday was a beautiful day, it turned out to be just a whole day about Lola....
We went to church yesterday morning, it was a wonderful service...they had a harpist, trumpets, pianist, the choir, it was really neat and powerful. We bought a poinsetta in memory of Lola a couple weeks ago and today they were all displayed at the front of church, her name was also in the program. It was so special and also the bell choir performed...do you know how many angels got their wings yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everytime I looked  towards the front of church, I would think of her...sometimes with tears in my eyes, if she only knew how much her mom and dad missed her.

We also went to see the priest who had met with us in the hospital...he was diagnosed with cancer about 1.5 months ago. He went through a couple surgeries and is now in recovery. He is calling it his "year of life" and with that he is giving away angels he has collected to special people. The one we got was very beautiful, a cheribum angel from Venice. He says he sees her face in it. We talked about Lola.....it seems everyone calls her Lola Grace. Which is ironic in away...her full name means "sorrowful blessing".....which would basically define what she is to so many of us.

Last night was also the annual candle lighing for Compassionate Friends. Here in CA, we had a slide show of our children, poems, music..I can't explain it. I don't think my heart has ever beat as fast as it did last night, almost like I could feel it throbbing...JP says Lola was the most beautiful baby in the show, but I think we maybe a little biased :). It was so special on so many levels. Some times words cannot even describe so it is better left as a private memory. I remember at one point looking over at JP, he held my hand so tight...and I saw those tears trickle down his face, he loves her so much and misses her...he just won't be the one to tell you that everyday. I held her picture so tight the entire way home...and if I told you how much sadness and pain there was in this world you may never believe me.

So I guess the word of the day and for the rest of this holiday season is going to be hope. HOPE. A four letter word that has so much meaning to everyone in their own way and in their own lives. Hope for a better tommorow, hope for a better today, hope for healing, hope for peace, hope for happiness, hope...

I always wish and dream that Lola could have been with us a little longer...now what a wonderful world that would have been....

I love you All....

Life...There is no Map.

 I can gaurntee you that not one of you would want my life...trade places with me?  In fact I even told someone the other day, just be glad you don't have my life. You will never know...you can read my blogs, you can say you are so sorry that this happened to you but 20 seconds later you're onto the next thing. Lola's death consumes my life, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...I envy people that can just say sorry like I used to be able to do, maybe send a card but never feel the pain. You know I can picture it now, "oh what a shame they would say." They can be thankful that they have a healthy happy family, continue to live in their own "bubbled" life. You know the one where we never think nothing bad will happen to us, the one where everyone gets to bring home their healthy baby and onto the next day....

I believe it can't get any worse so at least we can't keep sinking...there is the positive end of it. Let me recap the last 5 months of my life....our child died, we just moved, we live in a rented house ( i miss my old house in san antonio), I am less than fond of the new city we live in for obvious reasons....would you like me to keep going because I know I can. I mean somedays I think I would just like to go back to something comforting...like a good pair of old shoes. They just fit. So why does nothing fit now??? Nothing is right and it feels like it never will be again. ( funny that I am using a shoe metaphor since i can hardly fit in any of my old shoes post pregnancy) I want someone to give me an answer....like in 35 days from now things will turn around, Breathe. Impossible I know. As they say, when it rains it pours.....and I wouldn't expect anything less than that now.

 I got an email from an old friend from college last weekend, her 4 month old baby had passed that morning, due to heart failure. She wanted to know how I cope...I could relate with every word she said. I was so sad for her, because if I did have a wish it would be that no one would ever have to go through this, I firmly believe it maybe the worst pain ever. I  never want anyone to have to say good by to their baby,kiss them on the forehead for the last time, never have to go the funeral home to pick up their child's ashes... I couldn't even tell her it would get better, because I don't know...What I do know is that we have to have hope.


I guess I'll close this blog with something I read the other day..

Those who gireve are those who love.
You can further honor your child by remembering fondly what she has meant to you and by living life fully aware that people matther more than things, and than every moment of our existence is a precious gift to be used wisely and well.....

So I think you should go do something crazy or fun after reading this for Lola...you know live life to its fullest.
Go outside and make a snow angel, go write her name in the sand, put your toes in the water, scream at the top of your lungs, listen to your favorite song and dance around the living room, go give someone you love the biggest hug, suprise them!, send someone a card out of the blue that you haven't talked to in a long time, run around the block, smell a flower, look for a house decorated in just white lights for Christmas (white lights are my favorite), jump on your bed, give a few coins to the bell ringers.....tell Lola hi when the sun beats on you face....love.

A bookmark..

What a weird title I bet you are saying to yourself....I know :) Sometimes I have to throw you off a little bit!
Over the past couple months we have been recieving the magazine, Guideposts...I think it is a gift from someone but I have no idea who??? (so if it is you, let us know!) The stories are great, many inspirational...if you don't get the magazine I really would suggest it. Stories to warm the heart...sometimes I read them over and over again.

A couple weeks ago with the magazine came a bookmark, it reads the following:

God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change;courage to change the things I can;wisdom to know the difference....

I know we can all use this in our lives!!!!!

I pick up many books these days, start to read them, put them away, bring them back out again...but I love seeing this bookmark in one particular book I am in the midst of right now....

I guess I am in the process of accepting that Lola is gone, in heaven. I cannot change that.

I can however have her live in my heart through my memories with her. I am in the process of trying to change my outlook on life, 3 months and 23 days ago, I would have told you my life is over and I would rather sleep away the days then face them. Life without her at the time was not worth living....
Now the days are still hard, some harder than others, some maybe a little better. But I know I have to keep moving on with life for JP, Louie, My Family and My Friends...but let Lola  live through me. Maybe Live Life for Lola. I could say a million times over, Life is not fair, this is so unfair. Actually I could scream it at the top of my lungs but I know I have the courage to change the things I can or at least work on them!

I love Lola more than anything in this whole world...what a great angel we all have during this holiday season!

Remembering My Grandma...

The last couple weeks I have been really thinking about my Grandma Van Haveren....I think it has to with the holidays, her favorite. Some of you reading this may have never gotten to know her and those of us that have, were blessed. How can I describe her to you in a couple of words??? The kindest and most loving soul, that had a way with her words...she loved you uncondtionally and abudently. Much like someone else I know...JP. Those two must be the most patient and loving people that I have ever come into contact with...some of my fondest childhood memories are with her. The Christmas cookies, presents in the attic, little parties we had, Sunday dinners, her house decorated in almost every room, I remember Santa always graced his presence in the bathroom! Today I have many of her holiday decorations, I guess part of the reason I even gave into the holiday speal this year. I just love to remember those times, her tree, her decorations....and how can we forget looking through the JC Penney Christmas Catalog a million times over. She was amazing.

I think about her these days...how I long to just sit and speak with her about Lola. For some reason, I just think she would know exactly what to say. I had a dream the other night with her in it. It was very odd, because we were all at her house in the basement (that was like the kids playroom), and she was there, my Grandpa was at his desk. I can't tell you how  but I know I was so excited to see her, like almost relieved in a sense. Like I could finally pour out my heart to someone, in this dream I was ready to tell her all about my precious Lola. The thing is she wouldn't turn around, she would not acknowledge me....I was in tears. I remember yelling but Lola, but Lola....all I could see was the back of her, her hair, she just wouldn't budge. That was the end of my dream.....

A little strange I know but I think it was telling me something. That friends and family can provide comfort but no one can ever say the right thing, no one can make this better and no one can take away the pain. She was listening and maybe you listen but that is all you can do. There is no answer. That is the best thing.  NO one can answer why? But I think shel'll watch over me with Lola..I really do.

 I secretly pray that my Grandma was the first one to meet Lola, hug her, spoil her, always rocking her to sleep....together they would be a perfect pair. Lola looked like and angel and my Grandmother had the heart of one.

It's Been Awhile...

Well, I am the first to admit I have been avoiding writing lately...maybe out of  anger or it just felt better to leave it for a bit. Not sure. Life goes on though, even if we would love to put it into "pause" or possibly rewind, even fast forward it at some point. I would like to rewind what happened with Lola, make it better, make sure she was still with us, pause the last moments we had with her and fast forward what we call our life right now. Now doesn't that sound great? But unfortuntely like the song from U2....we are "Stuck in a Moment and you can't get out of it."

From this same song, the lyrics read "you have got to get yourself together"...if that could happen that would be great, everyday life is unpreditcable, especially with the pain we are going through now. I can't speak for JP but I would guess he would say the same, this is the worst feeling and it comes back in full vegence everyday. Multiply whatever you feel for Lola times a hundrend and we carry around that sadness...you will never know or even begin to understand. Unfortuntely, there are people out there like us, in fact they are all over. Angel Moms and Dads.

Last week we met about 15 of them face to face...stories and sadness you could never imagine. Tears and lots of kleenex. I honestly remember shaking when it came up to our turn to talk about Lola, you know one of those moments when you want to hold it all together and it just never works. But tears are welcome with this group...I did learn a lot from this meeting and got lots of hugs, sincere hugs from people that have been there. I know that eventually it will be okay, in its own way. One gentleman took us aside as we were leaving and said it may only get better  by 1/100th of a percentage each year but  healing takes a long time.

I also learned that I will never be the same person again. I struggle with that a lot. I struggle with the fact that everything seems so empty, not right, never as it was before....when life was full of positive outlooks and dreams. An angel mom told I will be an even better person....that I only pray.

I also know and have always known I will never ever forget. How could I ever forget the face of that angel, Lola Grace... Never.

In this group we also talked alot about how we lie to you. Yes, you heard me right, we lie. Probably almost everyday. Anytime you call or send an email and say how are you????? The answer really is, devestated, angry, sad, feel like the world has collapsed on us, confused...BUT we'll always say good to you or fine. Why? To make you feel better, it just works I guess. So now you know the truth, probably why I have avoided writing or even conversations with friends for so long. Kind of like it would be an oxy moron to say "happy thanksgiving" to us, I am not sure the "happy" is there, so this year I just want to make it like everyother day, nothing special...just another old regular day.

I very much look forward to our next meeting with Compassionate Friends. Sometimes I just want to pinch myself, say wake up Kim...this could not possibly be your life! But it is, the reality of it all will never change, there is no rewind button. Now we are just trying to live our lives the best we can...praying for those days when there will be more happiness and promise.

Now your stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it....

Lola Songs...

I think if anyone would have told me this would have been life 3 months ago, I would have never believed them. How your whole world can change in a short amount of time... our  lives probably changed in seconds. One moment we were both so excited for our sweet Lola to arrive and the next we were shedding tears and dealing with the most unbearable pain....

I remember listening to my "lola" songs on my ipod when Louie and I were on our walks in San Antonio and getting excited thinking how I was going to teach her all these songs with her name in it!!!!Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl with yellow feathers in her hair...I bet you know that song! Copacabana...
Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets and little man Lola wants you....oh and the list goes on. Somedays these songs still pop up in my music shuffle, usually I am so quick to hit the "next" button, as I don't want to be confronted with those memories, happy times, times of dreaming of her.....but today I let it play. Maybe for her 3 month angelversary...it was okay to listen to them. I kind of smiled, on a day that has been so hard for me.

lola-lalala lola -L-O-L-A lalala lola!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tears in Heaven

Tears...I am not sure I ever was aware that I could cry as much as I do....crying for an angel.

Tears are said to heal the soul. The tears I shed for Lola are hard for me to describe, it is almost as they are different in a strange way. When I cry for her it is a streamline of drops that I actually can feel trickle down my face like raindrops running down a windowpane...large perfect formed drops. There is no forecast of when they will come, in fact the smallest thing can trigger my rainfalls.  Rarely can we touch an emotion, sure we can see someone smile, frown...be angry but tears are different. Those drops running down my face, sometimes they can take my breath away. I wish the tears we have all shed for her could bring her back, give her a pathway to us but maybe they can be a pathway to our hearts. I think she can feel the tears, she knows the sadness...though I know she wants us all to be happy, seize the day she would say! I don't mind crying now, it's okay. Like our own personal time together. Lots of people cry alone...if you pause for one moment and think about all the tears that are being shed at this very moment, it could be quite amazing. We are here learning life lessons...Lola had just learned them all a little sooner.

Thinking about tears, crying...(usually while I blog they come nonstop, being confronted with my emotions) made me think about a great Eric Clapton song. I remember listening to is as a child, my Dad liked him. To me there was no meaning then but now Tears In Heaven could be the words that I say to Lola. Listen, close your eyes....learn life lessons.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AscPOozwYA8

Running for Lola...

Morning! (well morning my time still)

Since Lola has passed, we have recieved so much support and love from our family and friends. If I could share all the things, cards, and flowers we have received it would take up a couple pages I am sure....still to this day we get cards in the mail. It is amazing how lucky we are to be surrounded with such wonderful people! Lola was really loved and has touched the hearts of so many, it makes me smile! What a great little angel she is....

I wanted to share this story with you from a girl, Leah that I went to high school with. I actually probably have not seen her in maybe 10 years or so...I just think it is amazing and I have shed so many "happy" tears over what she is doing for Lola and maybe what Lola is doing for her....inspiration! Enjoy...

Leah Kaczmarski-Stickels October 16 at 9:44am

For Your Angel...


Kim--My heart breaks for you and JP at this horrific time of loss. I think of you often and the ordeal you are going through--no one should have to experience this..I enjoy (through tears) reading your blogs and I commend you for seeking out ways to heal your soul.

A few years ago I started fundraising for the Leukemia and Lymphoma society--a wonderful organization that raises funds for cancer research--they have done some amazing things and have helped prolong the lives of many people I've met through this program, who I now call friends, along with thousands of other cancer patients I only know through our hearts.

This society raises money by training participants for endurance sports--cycling, running or triathlons. I took the triathlon route and have since competed in many races. I've also come back to the group as a mentor and as coach because it is such a worthy cause.

I always have an inspiration for my races. For the first few, my dearest grandpa, who went to heaven years ago after suffering from Lymphoma was my inspiration. When the race gets tough and I feel as if I can't go on, I think of him and the memories we share and I feel a surge of new energy. Similar to other stories I've read on your blog, when I see butterflies flying by me, cruising ahead of me, I believe it's my grandpa, willing me to continue forward.

I completed my second ironman race last November. Two weeks before the event a newly married friend of mine suffered several strokes, underwent multiple brain surgeries and was in a coma for weeks. The doctors suggested his new wife take him off support as they did not see recovering in the future. This guy was in tremendous shape, young, a physican and a endurance sports coach. The reasoning for this brain injury is still not known. He was supposed to race the ironman as well, along with his wife. As he lay in a coma with an uncertain future, he was my inspiration for completing this ironman. Today, Lawrence is improving everyday and can now eat and talk and even stand up and take some steps with assistance. His wife and he just celebrated their one year anniversary!!

I recently signed up for a marathon. Though I've done many long races in the past, I have not been training seriously since last november. I thought signing up would give me a goal to help me get my butt back in gear. I went for my first training run yesterday and my body was feeling it. About halfway through, i wanted to stop and catch my breath--but I thought about Lola and the candle ceremony that was just an hour away and knew I had to keep going to make it back by 7. With you and your babe in my thoughts, I ran the entire course without stopping and I actually felt pretty good.

So I am dedicating my upcoming race in January to you, lola and JP. YOU are my inspiration for this one. I hope that little lola runs with me and watches over me. When times get tough throughout the next few months of training and on race day, I will think of your angel and all you have gone through and I will race on. I usually wear the name of my inspiration somewhere on me or my clothes during the race, so I will have to find a creative way to honor Lola :-)

Keep healing and know there are so many here on earth that love and support you and many angels above, who are in the safest and most perfect place in all the universe.

Take care and love to you,
Leah


She has updated me that "lola is quite a fast runner" and also I bet you are wondering what she will wear during the race....

Hi Kim,

As you know, I am training for and ultimately running my marathon in January in honor of your beautiful family. I usually wear the name of my inspiration on my top or visor, but in this case, I think I found another way to honor Lola that you can hold on to as a keepsake. If you don't mind, I'd like to send the item to you so that you can enjoy it and fill it with positive energy. And then, and I know this is asking a lot, I'd like you to send it back to me so I can wear it for the marathon. After the race I will send it right back to you, as it is meant for you and you'll understand why once you receive it. This way we are all united and will share in the experience.
Thinking of you, JP and Lola during every run,
Leah


Well when we got home from our vacation, a package was waiting for us...
It is a Reunion Heart Necklace- it is beautiful!
It also reads the following:

Since Heaven has become your home
I sometimes feel I'm so alone;
and though we now are far apart
you hold a big piece of my heart

I never knew how much I'd greive
when it was time for you to leave,
or just how much my heart would ache
from that one fragment you would take.

God lets this tender hole remain
reminding me we'll meet again,
and one day all the pain will cease
when he restores this missing piece.

He'll turn to joy my every tear,
and when I wear this necklace near
it will become my simple way
to treasure our Reunion Day.

Lola, Forever in Our Hearts...

I of course, just balled after reading this and recieving such a precious gift...I also am proud of my little girl. Proud that she can help others, guide them, become their guardian angels....

So thanks Leah and thanks Lola!

Here is the website to the marathon she will be running:
http://www.carlsbadmarathon.com/

Two of us Together... at OneTrueMedia.com

Pictures from our roadtrip...we hope you enjoy them!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I'm back...

So a new blog posting has been WAY overdue...and so much has happened over the past week also....

We are back from our roadtrip to San Fran, Napa, and Lake Tahoe. To be honest, I really wasn't that excited about it in the first place, crazy I know, who doesn't get excited for a vacation and someone told me just make it your goal to go....and it turned out to be a very nice get away. Maybe too nice...

Jp and I ended up playing the whole tourist game in San Fransico and Napa, almost like we were in the real world again. The first day I made a decision to wear these pink shoes I had worn to one of her baby showers, I wanted to wear them for her...maybe like I felt she would be with us. Cute shoes BUT not the best walking shoes but for her it was worth it. Everytime I looked down I thought of her and that special day....

At the Golden Gate Bridge we saw Angel Island and took a snapshot of JP...have I ever told you now how much I love angels? Everytime I see them in the store I feel compelled to buy them, so it was nice to see Angel Island from a far.

In Napa we did a really nice winery tour, it was really beautiful but that could have been the wine in me speaking....as we left a song came on by Lola Perrin (not sure of the spelling), I had never heard of an artist by this name so I like to think she was just always with us.

Tahoe was gorgeous...the scenery is almost healing in its own way. It was such a peaceful spot, a great place to get lost in your thoughts. One morning there was the most wonderful rainbow, I swear to you it was from her again. JP thinks he even saw the end of the rainbow but no pot of gold! Somewhere over the rainbow....our troubles will melt like lemon drops.

I noticed on our roadtrip there were many moments of silence but it was okay. It was like we could almost breathe again for this short moment in time. Which leads me to so many new questions...like what is the next best step....what to do?

I guess like all good things...they come to an end. It was hard to come home, but I did miss my little Louie though...he is so precious to us both, not sure what we would do without him. But that is for a whole other blog....

On Jp's last day of vacation we also decided it was time to go back. Go back to the place in this world that has the worst memories. The hospital. Like I have said before, I would never go without JP, I may crumble into a million pieces without him. We called up one of our favorite nurses, Anne Marie...we met in the lobby of the birthing center. There we brought along 20 knit "lola" caps to donate to the nursery...and a thank you card for all our nurses.  I looked out the window, praying for some courage, I wanted to keep it all together. Of course when I saw her,, that all went out the window. Tears just flowed uncontrollably...we talked for about a half hour or so. I probably ask the same questions over and over again. Then she told me that this same thing had occured 2 years ago on Christmas Day to a couple here that lost their baby boy....they have since gone on to have another child. BUT can you beleive it, in my same town somewhere there is a couple that has gone through the exact same thing, strange when your odds of getting it are .003%. I told her if she ever spoke to her to give her my number, she said she is very reluctant with communication, well I certainly don't blame her! Maybe someday we will speak...I pray that this will happen. To speak with someone or even email with other mothers that have experienced this is a pretty amazing thing, they just understand like no on else.

As we left the hospital, we hugged and she said to me Kim, this is the worst thing you will ever have to go through in life...maybe someday we will meet over happy circumstances. She also handed me the heart shaped plaque and mold of Lola's feet. You can see every little line in her toes, I sometimes trace my fingers over and over them. It also reads...

In our hearts forever...Lola Grace Doepke 08-16-09 7 lbs 7oz.

It is gorgeous. Maybe one of the most precious things I will ever have of hers besides her pictures. Everyday I will ask why....everyday I will tell her hello and how much I love her!

pink shoes for lola

angel island in the background

song by lola perrin came on

rainbow in tahoe

our family with the signature Lola caps

Roadtrip...

Well, it's offical at this time tommorow we will be on the road...roadtrip! If you know me, you are aware that I am the biggest "planner", not really the fly by the seat of your pants kind of girl but this time around it is different. I guess this vacation really isn't about having the best time ever or seeing all the sights but it is a chance for JP and I to just get away. Breathe for a moment, remember Lola....look for a peace. Everything reminds us of Lola, say any word to me and I could probably associate it with her, and I am almost sure JP could do the same.....but I like thinking of her, she is just so cute and loveable. The last 4 months of our lives have been crazy, maybe a roadtrip in its own. Moving from San Antonio, selling our house, JP starting at a new property, moving into a new house....loosing Lola. Somedays I ask will it ever stop?  Things are so confusing now, everything used to kind of fit together like a puzzle...now it seems like we threw five different puzzle pieces in the air and none of them make sense together, they just don't fit. It's a mess.

So I pray that this journey will be good for us...maybe we could get lost for a bit....

Steady as we go....

Lola...

"May you find comfort in knowing that LOVE was all our baby ever knew...."

Love you Lo!

dinner anyone???

I am late blogging today...actually i am sitting in the kitchen waiting for my lasagna and homemade garlic bread to finish. Want to come over for dinner? I think cooking with JP is one of my new favorite things, something to occupy the time, something that seems a little "normal" shall we call it. Someone told me today that we are in survival mode, very true, it actually makes a lot of sense. Just trying to survive everyday life and deal with the shock of loosing Lola. I wish life had a recipe...a little dash of happiness, a sprinkle of hope, an overflowing cup of love. Wouldn't it be great if your life always turned out the way you wanted it too, like that good family recipe...I guess I have burnt my fair share of cookies or probably screwed up a lasagna or two, heck sometimes I can't even make a good salad. Tonight I am going to pray for some of those ingredinents above in our lives and a little peace. No one can ever say every moment of their lives is complete happiness, so maybe if happiness isn't for us right now but peace would be okay for the day....

Love you all! Sweetest Dreams.......

Just another day....

Another day....just sad. Maybe that could become my blog everyday??? I struggle with the fact that things will never be the same again, that there will always be something missing in our lives........like there is the unknown of will there ever be happiness again? If you asked me today, the answer would be no........

Life has so many unknowns, like you never know when something is going to happen or be taken from you. Things or people that you would never expect....like children are supposed to out live their parents...not their parents grieving for their lost child. But then life is supposed to go on, you are supposed to figure out someway to deal with things that God has given you. Somehow you are expected to dig up courage and stength...and figure out where to find happiness again or where to find a dream????? In our house right now it is hard to find  those things...they are just missing, gone. When Lola left us, so did all those feelings. It is like she was taken with no warning, like there was never a chance to say good bye...and there is never a chance to get answers to the questions of why?

On my walk today...I found a nickel, not a penny but thought maybe Lola knew I needed 5X the love.....

Shine from the inside out?

http://www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site/view_shared?p=9c28850097e64ccd308123


Click On the Above.....

I was working on putting together a montage of pictures for Lola....from pregnancy on!
As Jp and I watched it last night, we cried.....talked about how happy we were then. Can you tell from our faces? I long to feel that kind of happiness again.... where you shine from the inside out. Everyone says, time..so I guess time will tell.  I just know if she could have stayed here on earth with all of us, that happiness would exsist and possibly be more abudant than even before. I hear moms say that having your child and watching them grow is a different kind of love and joy that you never had before...I know my love for her is beyound words but I miss those "joy" moments. I more find myself in tears longing for her to be with us. Life is hard, harder than I ever imagined. And right now it just seems like I am trying to just "float" through it....come up for air when needed but am sinking most of the time because we lost the most precious baby in the world to us.

I hope you enjoy this little video clip of pictures,, some pictures will remind you of better times.....

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

Missing Lola...

Oh my....I miss my Lola so much!

Somedays that is all I feel like I can say...everyday when I wake up in the morning my heart breaks in a million pieces. Just longing to look over and see her in her crib, instead when I look in her room ( I still call it Lola's room) I see her crib filled with items we have packed up. It no longer looks like a nursery but more like a baby "storage unit" There are a couple items I did leave out, 2 picture frames with pictures of her and her teddy bear. I know it sounds silly but sometimes I will just hold her little bear and cry. I just want to know why us, why lola? Don't ask me what we are going to do with everything, right now it just feels okay where it is. I wanted to give some baby products (medications, shampoos) to another couple here in CA that just had their baby...I know it is the right thing to do but I can't even bear to let go of those simple little things. I just don't ever want to let her go.....

Jp's parents came for a visit this weekend, it was really nice. I found myself thinking a lot about how things should have been with them...more like it should have been a visit with Lola, taking walks with her in the stroller, etc.  But that isn't our life and sometimes the reality of it is so hard for me to accept. I guess you dream up your life and how things will be...most girls dream the same things. You meet your prince charming, get married, buy a house with a white picket fence, get a dog, and start your family, having lots of children! Hmmmm...married prince charming, rented a house in keywest with a white picket fence?, got louie...and now the biggest part of the dream is gone, our family a dream Jp and I share together. Oh, I know people say but "you can have kids again" but that does not replace the child you lost, because Lola will always be our first child, our daughter, she's just an angel....I love my angel! I guess for me right now I am really struggling with it all...somedays are better than others but the sadness for her is always there. Oh how I love her....

Lola with her Grandpa Doepke!

Awareness....

I love angel moms....they understand your world like no one else in the world. I have another VP (vasa previa) mom who made this amazing video to help spread awareness to this rare disease. I had VP with valementous insertion/ a combination of them both. Some days I am so angry b/c I know if I would have been diagnosed Lola would still be here. So spread the word...people don't know about it and they should. You can help save a child's life....check out this link below. Becky (a vp angel mom) made this after her son passed, it is beautiful..I love to share things. I cried but thought if I had only seen this while I was pregnant, my world would be a totally different place.

http://www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site/view_shared?p=3d826ea8ff50edfe88553d&skin_id=701&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

click it..::)

Footprint....

So I have two reasons I need to return back to CHOMP- that is what they call it here...in other words the hospital. It actually stands for Community Hospital of Monterey Peninsula, for a hospital it very tranquil. I remember my first day out of bed (which believe me WAS soooo hard), JP wanted to show me the gardens area. He, myself and my Mother in Law (Liz)...went to the garden area. JP so patiently wheeled me around in the wheel chair....I remember that time so vividly...the wind and waterfalls......it was a short little trip. I was in so much pain but to breathe the fresh air and escape from the room for a couple moments was so refreshing!

Oh besides that there are so many memories there...mostly ones full of sadness. I have been working on building up enough courage to return back there, I'm just afraid it will end in tears, which I am sure it will. One thing I have to do is pick up Lola's footprint, they made a mold of it for me....ohhhhh I can't wait to see it. She had really long feet, they were cute though! (everything about her was cute- but that is the mom in me)

I also have to bring about 20 caps my grandmother made for the hospital in honor of Lola to donate..I am sure you have see the pictures of her with the cute little cap with the pink flower....she made those. Most of the ones she made for the hospital, have the same flowers, like a signature Lola look! It is really neat she did that, I can't wait to give them to the nursery. I have sent one of them to another angel mom who is expecting her baby next Monday....she says the cap is a blessing. I always think Lola would have wanted me to send it her way...

Oh but it is a journey JP and I will have to take together...one of these days it will just feel right! I for sure know that I will need him to be holding my hand, giving me that extra strength. I am not sure what I would do without him, he is my rock. Sometimes at night I will just look at him and think of Lola...they have so many similar features.....

I will let you know when I make it there...^i^

Here Comes the Sun...

Lots of people tell me that when the sun beats down on your face, it is Lola smiling down from Heaven! A couple of my dearest friends, Sara and Erica put together this amazing package for me a couple months ago, one of those "cheer UP charlie, we love you" packages. It was great, but one thing was a CD with some "inspirational songs." I always listen to this one.....makes me think of Lola! Thought I would share...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZtQh5EIgWQ&feature=related

Ounce of Happiness...

Yesterday I watched one of those Hallmark Movies- admit it you've all watched them before!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I am not the only one...it was called Bound by Secret, I caught it about half way through. The movie had a great line that I thought a lot about last night...."an ounce of happiness is worth every ounce of sadness." WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So true......I had 9 months, well 40 weeks and 3 hours to be exact with Lola and it was more happiness than I can ever remember. (well the first three months were a little rough with that dreaded morning sickness, that is not just morning let me tell you!)

Happiness Moments:
The first sonogram, finding out we were pregnant and be able to be in Wisconsin to share it with the people that mean the most to us in the whole world,  picking out names, planning and shopping for her, daily visits from my neighbors checking on me and all the goodies Lola had recieved, the beautiful baby showers, putting together the nursery not once but twice!, the first kick and all the kicks to follow (sometimes punches), visits from her grandparents to be and from one of my best friends (ahhh seaworld!), many many trips to babies r us/pottery barn kids, monthly tummy pics, finding out she was a girl, sitting and watching the brewers endless weekends and weeknights with my husband and lou (with lo in the tummy) b.c it was too hot to be outside, jp always resting his hand on my stomach, every doctor visit, moving to California,.....every moment of dreaming our lives with her and starting our family. Sometimes I would sit for hours and smile wondering who she was going to look like....well, we all know she is a mini- jp with a kim nose! Meeting her is a combination of one of the greatest and most tragic things in my life. Seeing your child and knowing that she has already gone to heaven...I held her and kissed her on the forehead...she was so precious.  Knowing it was also the last time I would hold her was also one of those combinations, so much happiness to be with her and so much sadness to let her go....

Even though there has been so much sadness in our life since she has passed, it is true every ounce of happiness she brought into my life is worth the sadness. I hope maybe you can close your eyes and think of one moment of hapiness she has brought you, maybe it was a picture or picking out a special gift for her....I know they are there!

Pictures...

I heart these pictures so much...from the wave of light! the pictures i got sent on facebook from people I was not able to copy and paste them, but anyways thought i would share these two from minnesota and florida. They are defintely going in her baby book!

2 Month Angeliversary!

Today is Lola's 2 month angelverisary! I wonder if she gets bigger in heaven or always is always going to be the sweetest most beautiful baby.....??? Everyday is hard without her in our lives. It is hard for JP and I to look at pictures of our friend's children, you know those fun ones parents get to take when their kids reach those monthly milestones. The only pictures we will ever have of Lola is her after she was born...we'll never get to post those neat "growing" up pictures.

This morning I took our car in for an oil change and there was a girl my age there with her newborn baby boy. Of course this would happen to me, stuck in the same waiting room...no one else there and the whole time I'm praying please don't talk to me! I found myself taking little glimpses at the two of them sitting so perfectly together, he was swaddled in the cutest orange blanket and she just looked "in love" with his every move. I heard her say when she was paying to the man, he was 5 weeks old....sigh. Maybe there will be a day when it is easier to have children around us. I have another angel mom friend that says she always thinks of  her little boy when she sees other babies his age...there is always constant reminders.

On the other hand yesterday was so neat for us, I really think there were a lot of candles lit for Lola,  it was amazing...we even got sent some pictures of the beautiful candles. I hope she was there to watch down on all the people that love and care about her, she has touched so many people's lives. She is one amazing little angel! I am proud to be her mom and hope she is having a wonderful day in heaven with her great grandma and grandpas...Happy 2 Months Lola!

Our candles for Lola

one from each of us- jp, me , and louie

Wave of Light...

this little light of mine, i am going to let it shine....

Light your Candle 7pm

Today is the day to remember all the baby angels and their families....
ALL OUR LOVE TO OUR ANGEL!


lola grace doepke
08-16-09

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wt6ZP_TMlIg


Just a song that always will make us think of her and our last moments with our beautiful daughter!
Someday we'll meet again ^i^

What a Wonderful World:

I see trees of green, red roses too

I see them bloom for me and you

And I think to myself what a wonderful world.



I see skies of blue and clouds of white

The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night

And I think to myself what a wonderful world.



The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky

Are also on the faces of people going by

I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do

They're really saying I love you.



I hear babies cry, I watch them grow

They'll learn much more than I'll never know

And I think to myself what a wonderful world

Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

Rainy Days

We have some crazy weather here today, JP keeps checking on us and saying he feels like we are in a tropical storm or hurricane.. High winds and lots of rain, Louie is taking advantage of it and is curled up in a blanket on his new favorite chair. I think he knows our daily walk/adventure is out of the question today!
I caught myself sitting there with him for a bit while the power was out, it was actually peaceful in a strange way...time to reflect on life and the lessons we learn....

What Makes a Mother?- Author Unknown

I thought of you and closed my eyes. And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard him say,
A mother has a baby. This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?

Yes you can. He replied with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies. When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to fill your womb but there is no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God I want my baby here.
She took a deep breath and cleared her throat and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much; I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons quickly. My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy and Daddy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one, your children are okay.
Your babies are here in my home and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me until your lesson is through.
And on that day you come home, they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother...
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
Until their time is done.
They'll be there with me one day,
And know you're the best one.

Weekends..

Weekends are extra special hard at our house...well almost like everyother day.  We force ourselves to do things, explore our new city, while we both stare at eachother and say, I really don't feel like doing anything today." Lola was born on a Sunday morning, 3:36am to be exact...and weekends for me are so hard because those are the last memories that we have with her in my tummy. The last time I can honestly say that I was happy.  For now we just go through the rountine of everyday life, just trying to make it through the days...knowing that things will never be the same or I will never be the same. I believe loosing Lola has shaped our lives and will define who we are. I long for the day where I will enjoy the simple things  in life like the sunshine beating on your face...

I often wonder what is going on to the person next to us, because you never know..maybe they lost the love of their life, maybe a sibling, they are going through a tough time with the economy or maybe they are just lonely. Everyone has a story...on Saturday we went to Toasties for breakfast and across the way from us a girl my age sat and cried the whole time they were there. I caught myself staring at her, wondering what was wrong...and I just wanted to go up to her and giver her a hug. Tell her whatever it is it would be okay...the thing is no one can tell you that is will be okay b/c maybe for them it never will be. I never gave her a hug but I said a little prayer for her..just wanted to see her sadness go away.

A little reminder...

I am a big believer in signs...maybe because they tend to give me hope. Yesterday I was taking Louie on our daily walk, one of my new favorite activities...I love getting lost in my new city or discovering blocks I have never before been on.  Yesterday, we had a "LOLA" sign...there was a red car with the following license plate cover..."LOLA'S RUBY RED SLIPPER"  I am sure it was describing the car, and I also am pretty sure they are a wizard of oz fans too. They have the cutest halloween display and part of it is the wicked witch on a bike with a sign that says I'll get your little dog too...kind of creepy but very festive!  I listen to Somewhere Over the Rainbow all the time, so it is a song that I relate with Lo...hoping our troubles will melt like lemon drops....

I have never met another Lola in my life, so I think it is really neat that a couple blocks from my house there is another Lola...maybe it is God telling me that Lola is always with me, even on my walks with Louie. O:)
Maybe she is there making sure that witch does not snatch up louie...you know I am just kidding!

Whatever it is, it a brought a smile to my face for that one moment in time...

Now I  hope to see Lola's Ruby Red Slipper cruising around town!

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

Places...

I know in life we always look back...people we have met, places we have been, good or bad, our memories are always with us. Today I was in the car with JP and I wondered if everytime I drive past the hospital and see the sign, Community Hospital of the Monterey Penisula.. will I always get that feeling that I will burst into tears?  Or everytime we drive into his work (which is a pretty beautiful spot) will I always get this feeling that I want to run out of there as fast as I can?  Certain places and things truly remind me of being pregnant with Lola...the hospital is an easy one to understand. I guess Highlands Inn is because we stayed there for a month as we house hunted. It became a little piece of home, memories of being pregnant and with her. Or as I drive throught the tunnel in Monterey will I always think about my last Dr. appt before her due date and how JP told me everytime I drive through there to beep for good luck, I did that day...now I will do anything to avoid going through there. 

Eventually with time ,we'll see....one step at a time.

Oct. 15th- Wave Of Light- Please Mark it on your calendar!!!!!!

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month



In 1988, the month of October was named national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. October 15th has further been recognized as the international day of awareness.

Organizations across the globe ask that you take part in the "Wave of Light" by lighting a candle at 7pm, in your local time zone. Please take a moment on this day for reflection, and remembering our lost children by lighting a candle at home, in groups and gatherings, attending a mass, or calling someone close to you who has experienced this loss. No matter how recent or how long ago, every parent would love to know that someone is remembering their angel child.


I thought I would share this and hope you can join us in lighting a candle for Lola...don't worry I'll send lots of reminders. Everyday I could tell you a million times over how much we miss her and just doesn't seem right.  I always am thinking I should be rocking her or feeding her now, not typing a blog about how she is not here with us.  I guess today is what they call an "angry" day, mad at the world...looking for answers that I will never find.  I do find some peace in the "wave of light" and look forward to this special day. In fact, I think it calls for a new candle just for Lo, our angel child.

Grief work is a never-ending endeavor. It is a process through which you must travel, and hopefully find meaning and value along the way....

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

Survivors

I thank God everyday for the family and friends we have in our lives, because without them I am not sure how we would get through the loss of Lola. All the cards, special books, flowers and gifts to remember her by are amazing. We truly feel blessed so if we haven't said it, thank you for being you! I also recieved some beautiful poems from unknown authors..today I thought I would share these...written from an angel. I love to read these, in a way it is almost comforting. I pray that Lola is with us everyday...and we will be survivors!

My Mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a Survior, or so I've heard it said. But I hear here crying at night when all others are in bed. I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand. She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand. But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...

I watch over my mom, who thinks of me each day. She wears smiles for others...a smile of disguise. But through heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.  My mom tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.

But anyone who knows her knows it her way to survive. As I watch over my mom...through heaven's open door. I try to tell her than the angels will protect me forever more. But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she bears.

For no matter what she says...no matter what she feels. My suriving mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal.

My Dad is a Survivor Too

My Dad is a survivor too...which is no suprise to me. He's always been like a lighthouse that helps you cross the stormy sea.

But, I walk with my dad each day to lift him when he's down. I wipe the tears he hides from others. He cries when no one is around.

I watch him sit up late at night, with my picture in his hand.

He cries as he tries to grieve alone, and wishes he could understand.

My dad is like a tower of strenght. He is the greatest of them all!

Now, as I watch over my precious dad from the Heaven's above...I'm so proud..AND I can still feel his love!

We LOVE you Lola!

and you too (whoever is reading this :))

-The Mother of an Angel

                                                       The Doepkes- JP, Kim & Lola
                                                                      08-16-09  

Pennies from Heaven

Do you ever find a penny just laying on the ground...don't pass it up. They say angels toss them down just to cheer you up, to make a smile out of your frown. It's a penny from heaven...

Since Lola has passed we have found 3 pennies from heaven...JP found the last one at work this past Friday. We place them in her little piggy bank that was in her nursery, crazy how a penny can bring a quick smile to your face. Is it really from her? Guess we won't know but it sure makes you feel okay for that one moment in time. Everyday is a new challenge, nothing really seems the same but those pennies are some of the most precious things to me now.  In my mind I will just imagine that Lola is letting us know she's there..just a little sign.

So now when you find a penny just laying there, maybe my angel has tossed it down to you...^i^

Lots of Love, The Mother of an Angel