Well, I am the first to admit I have been avoiding writing lately...maybe out of anger or it just felt better to leave it for a bit. Not sure. Life goes on though, even if we would love to put it into "pause" or possibly rewind, even fast forward it at some point. I would like to rewind what happened with Lola, make it better, make sure she was still with us, pause the last moments we had with her and fast forward what we call our life right now. Now doesn't that sound great? But unfortuntely like the song from U2....we are "Stuck in a Moment and you can't get out of it."
From this same song, the lyrics read "you have got to get yourself together"...if that could happen that would be great, everyday life is unpreditcable, especially with the pain we are going through now. I can't speak for JP but I would guess he would say the same, this is the worst feeling and it comes back in full vegence everyday. Multiply whatever you feel for Lola times a hundrend and we carry around that sadness...you will never know or even begin to understand. Unfortuntely, there are people out there like us, in fact they are all over. Angel Moms and Dads.
Last week we met about 15 of them face to face...stories and sadness you could never imagine. Tears and lots of kleenex. I honestly remember shaking when it came up to our turn to talk about Lola, you know one of those moments when you want to hold it all together and it just never works. But tears are welcome with this group...I did learn a lot from this meeting and got lots of hugs, sincere hugs from people that have been there. I know that eventually it will be okay, in its own way. One gentleman took us aside as we were leaving and said it may only get better by 1/100th of a percentage each year but healing takes a long time.
I also learned that I will never be the same person again. I struggle with that a lot. I struggle with the fact that everything seems so empty, not right, never as it was before....when life was full of positive outlooks and dreams. An angel mom told I will be an even better person....that I only pray.
I also know and have always known I will never ever forget. How could I ever forget the face of that angel, Lola Grace... Never.
In this group we also talked alot about how we lie to you. Yes, you heard me right, we lie. Probably almost everyday. Anytime you call or send an email and say how are you????? The answer really is, devestated, angry, sad, feel like the world has collapsed on us, confused...BUT we'll always say good to you or fine. Why? To make you feel better, it just works I guess. So now you know the truth, probably why I have avoided writing or even conversations with friends for so long. Kind of like it would be an oxy moron to say "happy thanksgiving" to us, I am not sure the "happy" is there, so this year I just want to make it like everyother day, nothing special...just another old regular day.
I very much look forward to our next meeting with Compassionate Friends. Sometimes I just want to pinch myself, say wake up Kim...this could not possibly be your life! But it is, the reality of it all will never change, there is no rewind button. Now we are just trying to live our lives the best we can...praying for those days when there will be more happiness and promise.
Now your stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it....
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Lola Songs...
I think if anyone would have told me this would have been life 3 months ago, I would have never believed them. How your whole world can change in a short amount of time... our lives probably changed in seconds. One moment we were both so excited for our sweet Lola to arrive and the next we were shedding tears and dealing with the most unbearable pain....
I remember listening to my "lola" songs on my ipod when Louie and I were on our walks in San Antonio and getting excited thinking how I was going to teach her all these songs with her name in it!!!!Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl with yellow feathers in her hair...I bet you know that song! Copacabana...
Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets and little man Lola wants you....oh and the list goes on. Somedays these songs still pop up in my music shuffle, usually I am so quick to hit the "next" button, as I don't want to be confronted with those memories, happy times, times of dreaming of her.....but today I let it play. Maybe for her 3 month angelversary...it was okay to listen to them. I kind of smiled, on a day that has been so hard for me.
lola-lalala lola -L-O-L-A lalala lola!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I remember listening to my "lola" songs on my ipod when Louie and I were on our walks in San Antonio and getting excited thinking how I was going to teach her all these songs with her name in it!!!!Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl with yellow feathers in her hair...I bet you know that song! Copacabana...
Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets and little man Lola wants you....oh and the list goes on. Somedays these songs still pop up in my music shuffle, usually I am so quick to hit the "next" button, as I don't want to be confronted with those memories, happy times, times of dreaming of her.....but today I let it play. Maybe for her 3 month angelversary...it was okay to listen to them. I kind of smiled, on a day that has been so hard for me.
lola-lalala lola -L-O-L-A lalala lola!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Tears in Heaven
Tears...I am not sure I ever was aware that I could cry as much as I do....crying for an angel.
Tears are said to heal the soul. The tears I shed for Lola are hard for me to describe, it is almost as they are different in a strange way. When I cry for her it is a streamline of drops that I actually can feel trickle down my face like raindrops running down a windowpane...large perfect formed drops. There is no forecast of when they will come, in fact the smallest thing can trigger my rainfalls. Rarely can we touch an emotion, sure we can see someone smile, frown...be angry but tears are different. Those drops running down my face, sometimes they can take my breath away. I wish the tears we have all shed for her could bring her back, give her a pathway to us but maybe they can be a pathway to our hearts. I think she can feel the tears, she knows the sadness...though I know she wants us all to be happy, seize the day she would say! I don't mind crying now, it's okay. Like our own personal time together. Lots of people cry alone...if you pause for one moment and think about all the tears that are being shed at this very moment, it could be quite amazing. We are here learning life lessons...Lola had just learned them all a little sooner.
Thinking about tears, crying...(usually while I blog they come nonstop, being confronted with my emotions) made me think about a great Eric Clapton song. I remember listening to is as a child, my Dad liked him. To me there was no meaning then but now Tears In Heaven could be the words that I say to Lola. Listen, close your eyes....learn life lessons.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AscPOozwYA8
Tears are said to heal the soul. The tears I shed for Lola are hard for me to describe, it is almost as they are different in a strange way. When I cry for her it is a streamline of drops that I actually can feel trickle down my face like raindrops running down a windowpane...large perfect formed drops. There is no forecast of when they will come, in fact the smallest thing can trigger my rainfalls. Rarely can we touch an emotion, sure we can see someone smile, frown...be angry but tears are different. Those drops running down my face, sometimes they can take my breath away. I wish the tears we have all shed for her could bring her back, give her a pathway to us but maybe they can be a pathway to our hearts. I think she can feel the tears, she knows the sadness...though I know she wants us all to be happy, seize the day she would say! I don't mind crying now, it's okay. Like our own personal time together. Lots of people cry alone...if you pause for one moment and think about all the tears that are being shed at this very moment, it could be quite amazing. We are here learning life lessons...Lola had just learned them all a little sooner.
Thinking about tears, crying...(usually while I blog they come nonstop, being confronted with my emotions) made me think about a great Eric Clapton song. I remember listening to is as a child, my Dad liked him. To me there was no meaning then but now Tears In Heaven could be the words that I say to Lola. Listen, close your eyes....learn life lessons.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AscPOozwYA8
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Running for Lola...
Morning! (well morning my time still)
Since Lola has passed, we have recieved so much support and love from our family and friends. If I could share all the things, cards, and flowers we have received it would take up a couple pages I am sure....still to this day we get cards in the mail. It is amazing how lucky we are to be surrounded with such wonderful people! Lola was really loved and has touched the hearts of so many, it makes me smile! What a great little angel she is....
I wanted to share this story with you from a girl, Leah that I went to high school with. I actually probably have not seen her in maybe 10 years or so...I just think it is amazing and I have shed so many "happy" tears over what she is doing for Lola and maybe what Lola is doing for her....inspiration! Enjoy...
Leah Kaczmarski-Stickels October 16 at 9:44am
For Your Angel...
Kim--My heart breaks for you and JP at this horrific time of loss. I think of you often and the ordeal you are going through--no one should have to experience this..I enjoy (through tears) reading your blogs and I commend you for seeking out ways to heal your soul.
A few years ago I started fundraising for the Leukemia and Lymphoma society--a wonderful organization that raises funds for cancer research--they have done some amazing things and have helped prolong the lives of many people I've met through this program, who I now call friends, along with thousands of other cancer patients I only know through our hearts.
This society raises money by training participants for endurance sports--cycling, running or triathlons. I took the triathlon route and have since competed in many races. I've also come back to the group as a mentor and as coach because it is such a worthy cause.
I always have an inspiration for my races. For the first few, my dearest grandpa, who went to heaven years ago after suffering from Lymphoma was my inspiration. When the race gets tough and I feel as if I can't go on, I think of him and the memories we share and I feel a surge of new energy. Similar to other stories I've read on your blog, when I see butterflies flying by me, cruising ahead of me, I believe it's my grandpa, willing me to continue forward.
I completed my second ironman race last November. Two weeks before the event a newly married friend of mine suffered several strokes, underwent multiple brain surgeries and was in a coma for weeks. The doctors suggested his new wife take him off support as they did not see recovering in the future. This guy was in tremendous shape, young, a physican and a endurance sports coach. The reasoning for this brain injury is still not known. He was supposed to race the ironman as well, along with his wife. As he lay in a coma with an uncertain future, he was my inspiration for completing this ironman. Today, Lawrence is improving everyday and can now eat and talk and even stand up and take some steps with assistance. His wife and he just celebrated their one year anniversary!!
I recently signed up for a marathon. Though I've done many long races in the past, I have not been training seriously since last november. I thought signing up would give me a goal to help me get my butt back in gear. I went for my first training run yesterday and my body was feeling it. About halfway through, i wanted to stop and catch my breath--but I thought about Lola and the candle ceremony that was just an hour away and knew I had to keep going to make it back by 7. With you and your babe in my thoughts, I ran the entire course without stopping and I actually felt pretty good.
So I am dedicating my upcoming race in January to you, lola and JP. YOU are my inspiration for this one. I hope that little lola runs with me and watches over me. When times get tough throughout the next few months of training and on race day, I will think of your angel and all you have gone through and I will race on. I usually wear the name of my inspiration somewhere on me or my clothes during the race, so I will have to find a creative way to honor Lola :-)
Keep healing and know there are so many here on earth that love and support you and many angels above, who are in the safest and most perfect place in all the universe.
Take care and love to you,
Leah
She has updated me that "lola is quite a fast runner" and also I bet you are wondering what she will wear during the race....
Hi Kim,
As you know, I am training for and ultimately running my marathon in January in honor of your beautiful family. I usually wear the name of my inspiration on my top or visor, but in this case, I think I found another way to honor Lola that you can hold on to as a keepsake. If you don't mind, I'd like to send the item to you so that you can enjoy it and fill it with positive energy. And then, and I know this is asking a lot, I'd like you to send it back to me so I can wear it for the marathon. After the race I will send it right back to you, as it is meant for you and you'll understand why once you receive it. This way we are all united and will share in the experience.
Thinking of you, JP and Lola during every run,
Leah
Well when we got home from our vacation, a package was waiting for us...
It is a Reunion Heart Necklace- it is beautiful!
It also reads the following:
Since Heaven has become your home
I sometimes feel I'm so alone;
and though we now are far apart
you hold a big piece of my heart
I never knew how much I'd greive
when it was time for you to leave,
or just how much my heart would ache
from that one fragment you would take.
God lets this tender hole remain
reminding me we'll meet again,
and one day all the pain will cease
when he restores this missing piece.
He'll turn to joy my every tear,
and when I wear this necklace near
it will become my simple way
to treasure our Reunion Day.
Lola, Forever in Our Hearts...
I of course, just balled after reading this and recieving such a precious gift...I also am proud of my little girl. Proud that she can help others, guide them, become their guardian angels....
So thanks Leah and thanks Lola!
Here is the website to the marathon she will be running:
http://www.carlsbadmarathon.com/
Since Lola has passed, we have recieved so much support and love from our family and friends. If I could share all the things, cards, and flowers we have received it would take up a couple pages I am sure....still to this day we get cards in the mail. It is amazing how lucky we are to be surrounded with such wonderful people! Lola was really loved and has touched the hearts of so many, it makes me smile! What a great little angel she is....
I wanted to share this story with you from a girl, Leah that I went to high school with. I actually probably have not seen her in maybe 10 years or so...I just think it is amazing and I have shed so many "happy" tears over what she is doing for Lola and maybe what Lola is doing for her....inspiration! Enjoy...
Leah Kaczmarski-Stickels October 16 at 9:44am
For Your Angel...
Kim--My heart breaks for you and JP at this horrific time of loss. I think of you often and the ordeal you are going through--no one should have to experience this..I enjoy (through tears) reading your blogs and I commend you for seeking out ways to heal your soul.
A few years ago I started fundraising for the Leukemia and Lymphoma society--a wonderful organization that raises funds for cancer research--they have done some amazing things and have helped prolong the lives of many people I've met through this program, who I now call friends, along with thousands of other cancer patients I only know through our hearts.
This society raises money by training participants for endurance sports--cycling, running or triathlons. I took the triathlon route and have since competed in many races. I've also come back to the group as a mentor and as coach because it is such a worthy cause.
I always have an inspiration for my races. For the first few, my dearest grandpa, who went to heaven years ago after suffering from Lymphoma was my inspiration. When the race gets tough and I feel as if I can't go on, I think of him and the memories we share and I feel a surge of new energy. Similar to other stories I've read on your blog, when I see butterflies flying by me, cruising ahead of me, I believe it's my grandpa, willing me to continue forward.
I completed my second ironman race last November. Two weeks before the event a newly married friend of mine suffered several strokes, underwent multiple brain surgeries and was in a coma for weeks. The doctors suggested his new wife take him off support as they did not see recovering in the future. This guy was in tremendous shape, young, a physican and a endurance sports coach. The reasoning for this brain injury is still not known. He was supposed to race the ironman as well, along with his wife. As he lay in a coma with an uncertain future, he was my inspiration for completing this ironman. Today, Lawrence is improving everyday and can now eat and talk and even stand up and take some steps with assistance. His wife and he just celebrated their one year anniversary!!
I recently signed up for a marathon. Though I've done many long races in the past, I have not been training seriously since last november. I thought signing up would give me a goal to help me get my butt back in gear. I went for my first training run yesterday and my body was feeling it. About halfway through, i wanted to stop and catch my breath--but I thought about Lola and the candle ceremony that was just an hour away and knew I had to keep going to make it back by 7. With you and your babe in my thoughts, I ran the entire course without stopping and I actually felt pretty good.
So I am dedicating my upcoming race in January to you, lola and JP. YOU are my inspiration for this one. I hope that little lola runs with me and watches over me. When times get tough throughout the next few months of training and on race day, I will think of your angel and all you have gone through and I will race on. I usually wear the name of my inspiration somewhere on me or my clothes during the race, so I will have to find a creative way to honor Lola :-)
Keep healing and know there are so many here on earth that love and support you and many angels above, who are in the safest and most perfect place in all the universe.
Take care and love to you,
Leah
She has updated me that "lola is quite a fast runner" and also I bet you are wondering what she will wear during the race....
Hi Kim,
As you know, I am training for and ultimately running my marathon in January in honor of your beautiful family. I usually wear the name of my inspiration on my top or visor, but in this case, I think I found another way to honor Lola that you can hold on to as a keepsake. If you don't mind, I'd like to send the item to you so that you can enjoy it and fill it with positive energy. And then, and I know this is asking a lot, I'd like you to send it back to me so I can wear it for the marathon. After the race I will send it right back to you, as it is meant for you and you'll understand why once you receive it. This way we are all united and will share in the experience.
Thinking of you, JP and Lola during every run,
Leah
Well when we got home from our vacation, a package was waiting for us...
It is a Reunion Heart Necklace- it is beautiful!
It also reads the following:
Since Heaven has become your home
I sometimes feel I'm so alone;
and though we now are far apart
you hold a big piece of my heart
I never knew how much I'd greive
when it was time for you to leave,
or just how much my heart would ache
from that one fragment you would take.
God lets this tender hole remain
reminding me we'll meet again,
and one day all the pain will cease
when he restores this missing piece.
He'll turn to joy my every tear,
and when I wear this necklace near
it will become my simple way
to treasure our Reunion Day.
Lola, Forever in Our Hearts...
I of course, just balled after reading this and recieving such a precious gift...I also am proud of my little girl. Proud that she can help others, guide them, become their guardian angels....
So thanks Leah and thanks Lola!
Here is the website to the marathon she will be running:
http://www.carlsbadmarathon.com/
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I'm back...
So a new blog posting has been WAY overdue...and so much has happened over the past week also....
We are back from our roadtrip to San Fran, Napa, and Lake Tahoe. To be honest, I really wasn't that excited about it in the first place, crazy I know, who doesn't get excited for a vacation and someone told me just make it your goal to go....and it turned out to be a very nice get away. Maybe too nice...
Jp and I ended up playing the whole tourist game in San Fransico and Napa, almost like we were in the real world again. The first day I made a decision to wear these pink shoes I had worn to one of her baby showers, I wanted to wear them for her...maybe like I felt she would be with us. Cute shoes BUT not the best walking shoes but for her it was worth it. Everytime I looked down I thought of her and that special day....
At the Golden Gate Bridge we saw Angel Island and took a snapshot of JP...have I ever told you now how much I love angels? Everytime I see them in the store I feel compelled to buy them, so it was nice to see Angel Island from a far.
In Napa we did a really nice winery tour, it was really beautiful but that could have been the wine in me speaking....as we left a song came on by Lola Perrin (not sure of the spelling), I had never heard of an artist by this name so I like to think she was just always with us.
Tahoe was gorgeous...the scenery is almost healing in its own way. It was such a peaceful spot, a great place to get lost in your thoughts. One morning there was the most wonderful rainbow, I swear to you it was from her again. JP thinks he even saw the end of the rainbow but no pot of gold! Somewhere over the rainbow....our troubles will melt like lemon drops.
I noticed on our roadtrip there were many moments of silence but it was okay. It was like we could almost breathe again for this short moment in time. Which leads me to so many new questions...like what is the next best step....what to do?
I guess like all good things...they come to an end. It was hard to come home, but I did miss my little Louie though...he is so precious to us both, not sure what we would do without him. But that is for a whole other blog....
On Jp's last day of vacation we also decided it was time to go back. Go back to the place in this world that has the worst memories. The hospital. Like I have said before, I would never go without JP, I may crumble into a million pieces without him. We called up one of our favorite nurses, Anne Marie...we met in the lobby of the birthing center. There we brought along 20 knit "lola" caps to donate to the nursery...and a thank you card for all our nurses. I looked out the window, praying for some courage, I wanted to keep it all together. Of course when I saw her,, that all went out the window. Tears just flowed uncontrollably...we talked for about a half hour or so. I probably ask the same questions over and over again. Then she told me that this same thing had occured 2 years ago on Christmas Day to a couple here that lost their baby boy....they have since gone on to have another child. BUT can you beleive it, in my same town somewhere there is a couple that has gone through the exact same thing, strange when your odds of getting it are .003%. I told her if she ever spoke to her to give her my number, she said she is very reluctant with communication, well I certainly don't blame her! Maybe someday we will speak...I pray that this will happen. To speak with someone or even email with other mothers that have experienced this is a pretty amazing thing, they just understand like no on else.
As we left the hospital, we hugged and she said to me Kim, this is the worst thing you will ever have to go through in life...maybe someday we will meet over happy circumstances. She also handed me the heart shaped plaque and mold of Lola's feet. You can see every little line in her toes, I sometimes trace my fingers over and over them. It also reads...
In our hearts forever...Lola Grace Doepke 08-16-09 7 lbs 7oz.
It is gorgeous. Maybe one of the most precious things I will ever have of hers besides her pictures. Everyday I will ask why....everyday I will tell her hello and how much I love her!
We are back from our roadtrip to San Fran, Napa, and Lake Tahoe. To be honest, I really wasn't that excited about it in the first place, crazy I know, who doesn't get excited for a vacation and someone told me just make it your goal to go....and it turned out to be a very nice get away. Maybe too nice...
Jp and I ended up playing the whole tourist game in San Fransico and Napa, almost like we were in the real world again. The first day I made a decision to wear these pink shoes I had worn to one of her baby showers, I wanted to wear them for her...maybe like I felt she would be with us. Cute shoes BUT not the best walking shoes but for her it was worth it. Everytime I looked down I thought of her and that special day....
At the Golden Gate Bridge we saw Angel Island and took a snapshot of JP...have I ever told you now how much I love angels? Everytime I see them in the store I feel compelled to buy them, so it was nice to see Angel Island from a far.
In Napa we did a really nice winery tour, it was really beautiful but that could have been the wine in me speaking....as we left a song came on by Lola Perrin (not sure of the spelling), I had never heard of an artist by this name so I like to think she was just always with us.
Tahoe was gorgeous...the scenery is almost healing in its own way. It was such a peaceful spot, a great place to get lost in your thoughts. One morning there was the most wonderful rainbow, I swear to you it was from her again. JP thinks he even saw the end of the rainbow but no pot of gold! Somewhere over the rainbow....our troubles will melt like lemon drops.
I noticed on our roadtrip there were many moments of silence but it was okay. It was like we could almost breathe again for this short moment in time. Which leads me to so many new questions...like what is the next best step....what to do?
I guess like all good things...they come to an end. It was hard to come home, but I did miss my little Louie though...he is so precious to us both, not sure what we would do without him. But that is for a whole other blog....
On Jp's last day of vacation we also decided it was time to go back. Go back to the place in this world that has the worst memories. The hospital. Like I have said before, I would never go without JP, I may crumble into a million pieces without him. We called up one of our favorite nurses, Anne Marie...we met in the lobby of the birthing center. There we brought along 20 knit "lola" caps to donate to the nursery...and a thank you card for all our nurses. I looked out the window, praying for some courage, I wanted to keep it all together. Of course when I saw her,, that all went out the window. Tears just flowed uncontrollably...we talked for about a half hour or so. I probably ask the same questions over and over again. Then she told me that this same thing had occured 2 years ago on Christmas Day to a couple here that lost their baby boy....they have since gone on to have another child. BUT can you beleive it, in my same town somewhere there is a couple that has gone through the exact same thing, strange when your odds of getting it are .003%. I told her if she ever spoke to her to give her my number, she said she is very reluctant with communication, well I certainly don't blame her! Maybe someday we will speak...I pray that this will happen. To speak with someone or even email with other mothers that have experienced this is a pretty amazing thing, they just understand like no on else.
As we left the hospital, we hugged and she said to me Kim, this is the worst thing you will ever have to go through in life...maybe someday we will meet over happy circumstances. She also handed me the heart shaped plaque and mold of Lola's feet. You can see every little line in her toes, I sometimes trace my fingers over and over them. It also reads...
In our hearts forever...Lola Grace Doepke 08-16-09 7 lbs 7oz.
It is gorgeous. Maybe one of the most precious things I will ever have of hers besides her pictures. Everyday I will ask why....everyday I will tell her hello and how much I love her!
pink shoes for lola
angel island in the background
song by lola perrin came on
rainbow in tahoe
our family with the signature Lola caps
Monday, November 2, 2009
Roadtrip...
Well, it's offical at this time tommorow we will be on the road...roadtrip! If you know me, you are aware that I am the biggest "planner", not really the fly by the seat of your pants kind of girl but this time around it is different. I guess this vacation really isn't about having the best time ever or seeing all the sights but it is a chance for JP and I to just get away. Breathe for a moment, remember Lola....look for a peace. Everything reminds us of Lola, say any word to me and I could probably associate it with her, and I am almost sure JP could do the same.....but I like thinking of her, she is just so cute and loveable. The last 4 months of our lives have been crazy, maybe a roadtrip in its own. Moving from San Antonio, selling our house, JP starting at a new property, moving into a new house....loosing Lola. Somedays I ask will it ever stop? Things are so confusing now, everything used to kind of fit together like a puzzle...now it seems like we threw five different puzzle pieces in the air and none of them make sense together, they just don't fit. It's a mess.
So I pray that this journey will be good for us...maybe we could get lost for a bit....
Steady as we go....
So I pray that this journey will be good for us...maybe we could get lost for a bit....
Steady as we go....
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