16 on 16...

The 16th of December.....16 months today for Lola. The holiday season always seems to quickly approach us, I sit and wonder where did the summer go and here we are mid way into December or as most people look at it, 9 days until Christmas. Our tree is up for Lola, we started with 31 angels this year and had a few added to our collection thanks to many! I noticed today as you look into our house window from the front you can see one bright white angel almost glistening back at you. Stops and makes you smile.....so much to be thankful for, but still so much missing.

We had our Lola moment this month where we all seemed to be cuddled up in bed, I am sure it was before 6am, bright and early! It was really cozy, you can't help but smile at Milo and Louie is such a goof but right between JP and I, there was just a little empty spot. It looked like it was meant for this little girl to perfectly snuggle in and watch cartoons for a bit....it brings tears to eye. I guess in a perfect world, that would be my perfect family and perfect day. We can only dream, that would be the best Christmas wish. Guess we can't put everything on our lists...but JP chimed in right away, We Love you Lola. You can still talk with angels, even though we can't hold them in our arms...

JP found 2 pennies this month, he leaves them all over...sometimes he forgets to mention them to me, until I stumble upon that copper round circle. One was my her angel on our dresser and the other on my nightstand next to her picture. Those are still the best "hellos!"

The true meaning of this season is giving and I love that is what Lola has really taught us, life lesson number 101 from her.

Christmas time you see angels just about everywhere...on the tree, in the store for sale, a decoration in someone's yard or even a Christmas card. I hope each angel makes you think of Lola Grace, maybe her way of saying Merry Christmas to all ofus! I guess that has become one of my favorite parts of the holidays, Angels...

Thank you for remembering Lola, Merry Christmas to you all!

Kim

Mother of an Angel and Mommy to Milo

A Special Day...

Today is a special day....the 16th. Today marks the day of 15 months for Lola and 2 weeks for her little brother Milo. Today I closed my eyes and imagined having the two of them here together, what a dream....!

In the hospital a couple weeks ago, it was nice to visit and have some of the same nurses as Lola. There were some I remembered and some I did not, but if they were part of her battle and shared our grief on that day...they let us know, almost saying, "we were there....we still care." Her picture sat on the window in a frame labeled angels...I loved when people would pick it up and look at her. We were celebrating such a blessed time with Milo but also remembering that our family is always a family of 5. Nothing will ever change that and though we can't hold Lola in our arms, we always hold in our thoughts and hearts.

Milo and I pray everyday together...well I do the praying outloud for now!

Dear Lord in Heaven,

Thank you for this day.
Please be with my big sister Lola in heaven, tell her we miss her and love her.
Please be with my dad to be healthy and happy.
Please be with my mom so she can be the best mom she can be.
Please be with my grandparents, family and all my friends...

in your name we pray.

Amen

I know Lola hears our prayers and feels our love...I also know 2 weeks ago the angels were all cheering, she made sure of it! She is a big sister angel!

She just is part of our everyday life and no matter how much things change...she is always our little girl, our angel up above and one of the loves of our lives.

"I'll find you in the morning sun and when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon but I'll be seeing you....."

Happy day Lola!

Big Sister....

Lola has taught me so much in life...she has changed our lives.

She has made me appreciate the small things, give with all our hearts, and to be kind and patient with others...and that everyday is a gift from God.

She has also taught me to dream a little dream and no matter what to always keep the faith.

So as our lives change daily, I always know my little girl is smiling down from heaven, it is a great to have an angel by my side always.

I don't know what the future will bring but tommorow is a day I know that Lola will be with us.

In my heart, I know she is so excited to be a big sister and overjoyed! She sent me those pennies, I just know it!

We love you Lola, always my baby girl and firstborn child.

14 Months to Lola

Hard to believe 14 months has gone by...

The last couple days I have found my mind wandering...sitting, thinking...wondering if Lola were with us what she would look like, what fun little behaviors and quirks she would have. My imagination revolving around if she were here. It is hard to say outloud and just as hard to write.

I often think people may look at JP and I and think we are moving on, in fact if you just met us over the course of the last couple months you may not even know our Lola or her story. The thing is, I don't think you ever move on. Sure you learn to deal with everyday life and tasks, go with the motions. But still something is never right, something is always missing, something is just never 100%.....it's Lola. So waking up in the morning to say hello to her is sad and happy all over again...

Yesterday was the Wave of Light, our candles blazed bright for that hour. Actually our house was completely dark and quiet, except her little light.
I thank those that also did this for her, it means so much to JP and I. Any little way we can keep her memory alive. I am sure she was with us all.

Happy 14 Months Miss Lola!

13 Months....

I have waited up until the last moment today to write this and I just could not go without saying something special on her day. Because the 16th is always Lola's day :) The first thing I noticed about this day was the butterflies...we don't see many here at our new house and this morning I was leaving there a beautiful monarch flying in our front trees..the colors were so vibrant and the sun shining down, it was such a nice moment, the kind that make you stop and stare at the sky and say thanks Lola. I love those times, they mean the world to me...

I guess Lola makes you stop and appreciate the little things, like the sky is always a little bluer, telling your friends and family you love them and squeeze them a little tighter when you see them and when that sunshine beats down on you, a smile from heaven.

To a beautiful angel............

love always-

Lola's 1st Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday Lola....Monday, August 16 2010.

When Someone Comes into our lives...
and they are too quietly and quickly gone,
they leave footprints on our hearts...
and their memory stays with us forever.

I am sittng here on Lola's most special day wondering what would be the perfect thing to write on today's blog or the perfect letter to her that would sum up this year. Maybe the quote above speaks for itself, her memory forever is with us and our lives are inscripted with "lola" written all over our hearts. I am watching her candle burn in front of me, it is beautiful and there were so many beautiful things about her today. The memories, the tears, the embraces, the prayers, the thoughtfulness that is Lola. Now I must say I can only imagine birthdays are the best in heaven...I even asked our pastor what he thought of that, he agreed. So somewhere in this day I hope you found her, whether it be in the first glowing star of the night, the sun beating down on your face, the waves crashing into the shore or the simple smile of a stranger. That is what makes JP and I happy, is forever knowing that her memory is alive.

Today is celebrating Lola Grace Doepke Day....a birthday of a beautiful angel, a loving daughter, wonderful granddaughter and inspiration to many.

Life is not measured my the number of breaths we take but the moments that take our breath away....everyday morning when I look at her picture I feel that way.

We Love you Lola! Happy 1st Birthday!

Love,

Mom and Dad ( louie too!)

11 months...

I have noticed a pattern. My blogs are becoming labeled by the months of Lola's age. I think about her constantly, everything we do seems to reflect a memory of her...we maybe in a different spot than we were 11 months ago, but JP and I always talk about how she is our daughter, part of our family. Someday when our family grows, she will always be included in that number...I oftern think I need to be braver, a little more corouage would do. I remember being in the hospital one night, not being able to sleep and all seems quiet around you...maybe beside the hustle of a nurse's footstep or an iv machine pumping. I know in my head, I was thinking this could not be happening, I will never survive this...though I was surrounded by beautiful bouquets of flowers, cards, a loving husband trying to get some sleep...it maybe the most alone I have ever felt. The feeling where for months and months you planned to bring home this little girl, the car seat awaited for her in the car in the parking lot but you are left with empty arms and a broken heart. That may have been my moment where it finally hit me....

People will always say, "that is not the way it is supposed to be." It never is....


I think Lola still hits me everyday....looking at her picture on my nightstand, sitting in her chair, staring at her footprints. All these things around mt house are to keep her memory alive. Which I will do, everyday.

I think God has given me some great signs that she is okay. On our recent trip to Santa Barbara JP found a penny as were stopping at Starbucks for a little treat....almost like she is saying, "hey guys, i'm here!"

We were also able to donate the Volvo to the Monterey Compassion Pregnancy Center, maybe that money will help a young mother decide she wants to keep her baby...maybe Lola can help save a life.

For the past couple months I have already been trying to figure out what to do next month....can I sleep in my own house that night,how to honor her, how to spend her day. Being angel mommies and daddies is not the easiest thing....

So for Lola....as my aunt would say.

Live
Our
Lives
Abudantly

Happy Angelversary Baby Girl!

10 Months for an angel!

These are the days when I feel I can set everything aside...escape in my own world and look over Lola's pictures a million times. I always let my imagination wander, what would she look like now, what would be going on in our lives....what would be her newest tricks. I dream of those things and moments our family is missing.

I see babies around her age and wonder often what happened that things went so wrong for us, like there isn't always a million questions and what ifs constantly floating around in my head already. I think that is the way life will be for me personally, not a day goes by where i don't think of her or can break into tears in a moments notice. I guess that probably defines what a lot of angel parents go through daily....at any age or time. The feeling never goes away.....

We defintely do things at our own pace, last night I put together most of Lola's book. For months and months, I stared at it...probably making excuses. Last night I just had to do it, I cried the whole way through...every picture, everything she touched.....at a point I just had to put it away but not without 2 looks before I could go even go to bed. Running your fingers across the pictures, trying to smile at a memory when you can literally taste your tears. So a work in progress.....not to be rushed.

I don't write in here often enough, I seem to reflect everyday on what path our lives have taken. The Good and the bad.

I received these awesome pink fuzzy slippers from JP, Louie and Lola for Mother's Day. They are the warmest most comfortable slippers.....I wear them around the house all the time. It had a sweet card filled with butterflies, it was really special. I think she gave her Dad a great idea.....now everytime I slip on those fuzzy slips I think of her and my first Mother's Day. Still a Mom no matter what....just maybe a more special one. And the same for JP this upcoming Father's Day....

Our lives are full of Love and I think it only radiates from heaven when the sun shines down.

So as always, today is Lola's day!!!!

9 Months....

I often ask myself these days, where does the time go? It's Sunday and before you know it we are headed into the weekend, ready to start our weekly routines. So today being 9 months is an important day, because it also signifies the time we spent with Lola, 9 wonderful months of watching her grow in my belly to the kicks and punches. I will always remember JP telling me when we were holding her that she just just doesn't look like a newborn baby, to us she just had a certain glow to her or maybe it was her wise soul.

What still touches me most is after 9 months how people still care and think of her....just the other day Erica told me how her and Jayden lit a candle for Lola at church. A couple months ago I received painted angel wings with no note or return address, it remained a mystery...only to find out that they were from a friend in high school that I have not seen for over 11 years. Lola's Wings. All these stories mean so much to me and usually result in "good" tears.I bet Lola smiles from Heaven too...there are other stories too and I appreciate them all. The good in people is amazing.

In church today, the sermon was about "peace". How appropraite b/c at the begining of this journey it was all we were seeking. I enjoy going and starting out at the angel in the courtyard of the sancutrary, that today was filled with blooming purple flowers. We also sang a beautiful song, you've probably heard it.....but I thought it could not be more perfect for today.

I cast all my cares upon you,
I lay all of my burdens down at your feet,
and anytime I don't know what to do,
I will cast all my cares upon you.

Lola Grace Doepke- 9 months

8 months...

I say it every month but this day always seems to come to way fast....monthly milestones. 8 months. These days don't get easier, just proving time and again, the hole in my heart that will always be longing for her. JP called me this morning, he had found a penny....funny how angels speak to you. I could tell it had made him very happy, calling it a glimmer of hope.

I miss Lola very much, something that is so undescribable. A love that is irreplacable and beyond words. Iwould give the world to be able to hold her again. So sometimes I close my eyes so tight and try to remember her. Remember how if was to hold her, see her.....and kiss her on the forehead. I try to remember those times and smile. Like the song, Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it is breaking...when there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by. If you smile through your fear and sorrow. Smile and maybe tommorow, you'll see the sun come shining through for you.............

Although a tear maybe ever so near, that is the time you must keep on trying, smile what's the use of crying....you'll find that life is still worth while if you just smile.

I think Lola would say Smile.........One Day.............:)

5 O'Clock News

The other day the news came on and it brought me to complete tears. After Lola has passed, I know I have definetly become more sensitive and emotional, one thing can trigger a million emotions. The headlining story was about two teenagers that died in a car crash, my first thought is it so unfair, those young souls. As the story went on they talked about where this was also the spot where a 4 year old boy had also been killed in a car crash back in Septemeber. They mentioned no names BUT I know. I have met that family. I have exhanged hugs. I have seen pictures of their son playing with his toys, smiling...being a kid. We have shared our children together. Our sadness......

It reminded me how we often hear story or watch the news and then carry on with life.  Because they are just another story, another tragedy...pretty unfair. I often think that people think JP and I are just back to normal...I am not sure normal will ever be the case. But we do go on, but never EVER forget.

I remember getting the first baby announcement in the mail and pictures emailed of the brand new baby just not even a couple months after Lola died. At the time I was so angry, how could anyone be so insensitive I thought. I know JP looked at me with tears when he finished looking at those pictures, we didn't talk for hours. Now as I sit back and reflect....realizing that for others life just goes on. That is part of loosing a child is learning somehow, somewhere to accept the reality that the sun will rise and the sun will set. Things will happen that are beyound our control.......

I guess my whole point is, when I watched the news I was so touched.........it hit home. I listen to friends, even family complain about things in their life they are so unhappy with. Then I hear stories like the two teenagers and the four year old hit by the drunk driver. I can put a face with the story but there is nothing we can do to change those things BUT you can change the controllables in life. Maybe it makes no sense, but I guess don't sweat the small stuff.....in the end it doesn't matter anyways.

Settling In....

I noticed my last post was before the big move, see moving can be very time consuming! Those boxes seem to deplete at a snail's pace and sometimes you have to move a piece of furniture five times before you find just the right spot...or so you think??? The move overall seems to be very positive, a little like you can breathe more often....I remember thinking we'll never know if this helps unless we try it. I think it was a step in the right direction. Moving all of Lola's things was probably the hardest part. It is like revisiting every piece of furniture or gift and I would stop and think, "Oh that was fun a day when we got that, or she would have loved that gift from my girlfriends." Or oh that is so cute, sometimes it is easier when you can pack it away. Though I honestly can tell you I don't ever think I will part with one piece of it...

But here we are now, home sweet home....

I read this quote the other day from an angel mom, I think it is perfect. Defines my life.

There are moments in your life that make you and set the course of who you're going to be. Sometimes they are little, subtle moments. Sometimes they're big moments you never saw coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.

So true, I guess we are still on that journey finding out who we really are....

Love to Lola!

Precious.

Hallelujah

It always seems like this day comes too quickly, it sneaks up on you....though I could sit and premediate what the day would be like, it will always be full of twists and turns. I looked at Lola's picture today, held it and without warning tears overwhelmed me. As I looked back at the picture one of tears rested gently on the glass of the frame, almost bubbling. It was a striking moment, a sad and surreal moment.

I read a story awhile back, that a person was afraid to die because they feared people would forget them and never remember them, they didn't want to be forgotten. I will never forget Lola. When I read that story I promised to her and myself that would never happen. She will not become a memory. Part of the reason my days always begin with a cheerful, "Good Morning Lola...Hope is Heaven is Good Today." My dearest friend told me yesterday, Lo is always with you...she is so right, I need her as much as she needs me.

JP downloaded a song last week and he went on to tell  me he did it right away b/c the album was named Grace...it was special to him. The song is Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley- awesome and I know you've heard it! You know life doesn't always have a fairy tale ending but despite it, we still reach out.......and maybe offer a hallelujah.....

Another angelersary for our angel....

A day for Lola........

Hope has a place...

I am sitting here on my couch staring out the window, wind in the air and the beautiful sun shining on the ground......some of my last and best memories are right here on this same couch with Lola, in this same living room as we watched a movie before going to bed and watched Lola throw endless punches and kicks. I remember laughing, wondering if we would make good parents and filled with anticiapation and excitment.

So now 7 months and 3 weeks later, I will cherish the memory. Lola has taught me how to love every moment and never take it for granted. This Saturday also represents the last Saturday I will sit in this room and think the same thought that I have every time that day of the week rolls around. I refuse every Saturday night to even engage in the living room, watch tv there or even be on the couch. I'll never forget the memory but we are moving next Saturday. Ironic, maybe...or sometimes I think her way of saying let there be more Satudays full of laughter, love and hope...she is still with us everyday. So that is my way of saying hope has a place...not that it lies in a 4 sided building or the place we call home but it rests in our heart. My life depends on my hope, my faith and my belief in the power of prayer...

So here is to next week, JP tells me it is going to be the start of good things...I'll believe him or at least hope it's true. I do think there maybe a tear as I leave, ( not that I am for one moment sad to leave this house) but as painful as it is to remember looking at certain spots here will always be a place of Lola memories...

No one said it would be easy...

It is strange to be lost, I guess that is the way I would kind of describe how I often feel. No one said it would be easy...

Spring is around the corner...even I hear in Wisconsin :) I have noticed flowers in full bloom here, yellow, purple, pink, white.....the colors of all the new life. Butterflies in full vengence, that almost seem to flutter and follow you as I walk along the streets with my Louie...sometimes two of them captivate you as they almost fly in perfect unison. The things that still can make you stop and take a breathe! We can always count on those things to happen so I guess even though I am so lost in life and thoughts, it is nice to have your faith renewed in the little things.

At my trip to the beach this morning I found sea glass, it is really pretty. I know that it will be there after a storm and when the waves have been  larger than normal. When you find a piece it is actually kind of magical. It is smooth, no rough edges. And then I heard this song today, sometimes things just make sense...sometimes you're meant to find things. Everything is connected.....

"Along the way, the turns are sharp,
No one said it would be easy.
And the path I have made,  from the grass to the grave
I will love you still
When the sand turns to glass
And All is left is the past
I will love you still...."

Pictures...Memories...Pictures

3 months
4 months
.............
9 months


I looked at all these pictures today and everything in between... I think I have been putting off something very special for Lola, and today without thought I attacked it full on.  I have been putting off her memory/baby book. I sometimes look at the pictures and then place them back in the heavy chest in our room, they seem safe and secure there. But I know deep down I wanted to put it all together, just not knowing when? Not that today is the day but it's a start....I went through the pictures on my computer, uploaded some more and placed my order, well not just one but three because I would finish one order and then realize I forgot something important that must be part of her special book! So feeling somewhat accomplished the pictures are ordered so when they arrive next week, I am making no promises that the over 100 prints will not sit there for awhile or not?

The book is very pretty, it is from my Mom (grandma jean) she found it and said I had to have this, she thought it was perfect and it is! Lola Sent! It has an angel on the front of the book with beautiful rhinestones placed on it, also it comes in this little box...like it was meant there for very safe keeping.

So maybe next time you see us, JP and I will ask you if you want to see her book, share Lola with us, probably with a tear or two included!

I thought I would add this link today...I heard this song last Saturday on XM in the car...a day after I found my 4 pennies. I never knew there was such a song, Pennies from Heaven! Very upbeat and jazzy! I can see Lola dropping a penny for us to find with a big grin....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pELxwTp7gk&feature=related

4....

It seems like I have had a pretty special day already, well something to stop and make me smile! I was on my daily walk with Louie, we take the same path almost everyday (he loves to see his maltese friend along the way...they only exchange "fierce" barks though) So it is pretty redundant, but today was out of the ordinary. On my walk did I not only discover one shiny penny but four all together....now I am the "non-penny finder" seems like others always stumble on them before me but today was my day! Aaaahhhhh, thanks Lo. Now I only hope the start of this days means a good one to come, we need those around here. A little hope....

Louie and I also made a stop at Lola's spot, my Dad and I searched and picked up shells there the other morning. He had lots of good finds but I found an "angel wing" shell...have you ever seen one? They are 2 shells that are literally still stuck together and when placed vertically look like little wings to me! Plus these were white....so I have carefully been gaurding the pair I found. This morning believe it or not, I found another one!!!!!!!!!!!! Buried deep in the sand, I picked it up and placed it my hand it was barely connected and snapped. A little disappointing, but a sure sign that an angel hangs out there too. I know when I see the crashing foamy waves, the birds flying high in the air and sand filled beach...she is there.

6 Months...

I have dreaded today more than anyother month so far...not that it is any worse the others but maybe because it marks a half way point. I'm not sure....it sure brings you right back to the place where you started. To many people this is just any other day, mark it off on the calendar. But to me the 16th of each month represents my world turning upside down, losing one of the most precious things in the world to me. Lola's death is my life. Sure, I may have learned a little bit better on how to deal with my grief but it's still there everyday and I never expect it to go away. There will always be a hole in my heart for her, that incomplete piece.

My tears have stopped me in my tracks, her picture stares at me. I have replayed the day before her death a million times today. I have replayed the moment of hearing your child died a million times more. And then I think of her how cute she was, the softness of her skin, her cute little nose and realize,

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away."
That will forever be my moment.

Lola Grace Doepke
Sunday -08-16-09- 3:36 am

The LOLA chair...

We have a new piece of furniture added to our house, a very special chair....My Mother In Law always tells me you can never have enough chairs!!!This one is a keeper. Delivered with extra special care from a Pier One Assocaite to the footsteps of our house. What a suprise when you open the door and you see a large box with a smiling man standing behind it. I felt so bad he had to wiggle his way through our cars and up the stairs to deliver this one of a kind package. With a large smile on his face, he exlaimed, "this is for you." Of course JP already knew it was coming, he had been told we had to be home at 5:30. I had been eyeing this chair, not because I thought it was beautiful or a perfect match to our house but because it was Lola's Chair. It says it right on the box and on the tag in the store.... Somethings you just have to have. This chair I will always keep no matter what, even if 30 years from now it is run down, has holes in it and doesn't go with anything in our house. It is fun to sit in, comfy, a great place to read a book but even better, a great spot to sit and think of Lola. I am securely taping part of the box to the bottom of this chair so no one will ever forget it's name. So I invite you to come on over and sit on the Lola Chair...

Thanks Mom- What a special gift!!!

Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care....

So again, I am having to say I haven't written in awhile.......though I love to write, theraputic in its own way. I thought about my last post of Christmas Day...WOW! What have we done, where have we been.....learning to look fear in the face and saying I just don't care................

Things we have done:

I got a tatoo for Lola...I prefer to call it my Lola Ink. Crazy I know, but one of the best things I could have done. Now I am wondering should it be bigger more glorious??? and then I sit back and enjoy the simplicity of it.(knowing I can always add to it at any point :)) I am acutally kind of proud of it, I know I suprised my Dad with it. It is almost like she is with you in way that you can't describe so next time you see me ask to see my Lola Ink.

We took a trip to visit JP's parents in Florida and had a quick trip to Key West (awesome!!!!!!!!!!) I thought a lot about the trip before we left, how I had already bought Lola's swimsuit for her trip. It was really cute, seahorses and seashells, pink and orange...sometimes those memories stop you in your tracks. As we got to the check in gate, we dragged our suitcases up to the counter, with Louie so patiently waiting in his travel bag and here JP keeps pointing to the ground as the lady is asking for our last name. I looked, assuming I had dropped something, saw nothing, he pointed again and then proceeded to pick up a shiny penny. A penny from heaven? or a reminder though Lola is not with us here on earth, she's in heaven and still makes the trips with us. Ahhhhhhhh. I remember thinking I needed that Lola! I put that penny on my nighstand during the whole stay and now it is safely in her piggy bank.

As I had mentioned, we also made our trip to Key West, a walk down memory lane...a place that since I have left Wisconsin has been the only city that I have considered home. Part of our wedding was the rose ceremony, in which JP and I exchanged roses and we were to put them in a special place that we could go back to. That special place is White Street Pier in Key West, where JP proposed to me.....and so we bought a beautiful single pink rose for Lola and the three of us (louie) walked to the edge of the pier and dropped in our rose for Lola. We watched it ride each wave, float on the waters and slowly creep out of our sight....

Words from the Rose Ceremony:
In every marriage there are times where it is difficult to find the right words. It is easiest to hurt who we most love. It is easiest to be most hurt by who we most love. It might be difficult some time to words to say "I am sorry" or "I forgive you"; "I need you" or "I am hurting". If this should happen, if you simply can not find these words, leave a rose at that spot which both of you have selected - for that rose than says what matters most of all and should overpower all other things and all other words.
That rose says the words: "I love you." The other should accept this rose for the words which cannot be found, and remember the love and hope that you both share today.

So now we have our rose for Lola......


A week ago I started a group on facebook for mother's that have lost their infants children...I guess it was not only for me that I needed this but I wanted to provide a little place for someone to go for additional support or just to vent. I remember feeling so alone when Lola passed, like no one understood or could possibly....holding your breathless child, saying goodbye. I knew a total of 6 angel moms, I invited them to join and posted some other announcements on some VP pages and this morning I looked, 30 Angel Moms, 54 pictures...I thought for sure Lola was smiling down at me from Heaven. I hope, that if only it is helpful to one mom then my prayers would be answered. Each Mom has their own story but the pain we feel is the same...but there is HOPE for each one of us...

On another note JP and I are on the house hunt, you could look it as a good or bad thing. Bad part is packing it all up and moving again but we maybe pros at that! Good part is just a fresh start, something new, something different....We have until June 1st, then our landlords are moving back into this house. We have pinpointed an area here that we like so we are just kind of waiting for something to hopefully open up...so say a prayer for us! I know there is power in prayer.....

I went to a special spot today, my friend Sara told me awhile back to find one of those places for Lola. I did. The colors of the water, the waves crashing on the rocks and one single bird flying above me....one of those aaaaahhhhhaaaa moments. Then suddenly I saw 2 sea lions popping their heads in and out of the water, I guess those things can't help but make you smile.

So today I will leave this blog in tears but it's okay to cry they say, tears are healing.....

"I see a stream down your face when you loose something you can't replace and I will try to fix you......"