79 Months

As I pulled the sheets tightly around the crib mattress tonight I thought to myself  all the different "hats" this bed has been.  It started out as Lola's bed, our first big baby purchase. It had a green polka dot sheet, a baby blue quilt with yellow and green flowers because I refused to fall into the pink genre with her room. It moved from San Antonio to California. We set up her room again, the same sheets, the same quilt and waited her arrival....

It stayed that way for awhile but Lola never came home. I left the sheets and quilt until one day I just started packing everything up in these blue plastic bins and there it sat. The crib sat empty and bare.
It's amazing the obstacles you have to overcome when you face the death of a baby. I still came home to a nursery, a crib, baby clothes but we just didn't have our Lola.

All these years later, the crib reinvented itself. It became Milo's tropical oasis and journeyed to Key West. It even became a toddler bed and then back to the crib for Finley. It now has green alligators on the crib sheet. It changed, we changed...life isn't so empty anymore. It still is Lola's crib. I still can close my eyes and see it adorned with the flowers. I still can close my eyes and picture holding her. The crib is a great memory.

Love - the mother of an angel

78 Months

For some reason, I just adore Valentine's Day...the decorations, cards, fun traditions, the crafts. Giving to others little adorned doily cards and crafts that hopefully brighten their day. The theme of it all being hearts.

I have my little angel box which my aunt and grandmother made me while I was pregnant with Finley. The box you have tucked away and comes out when you need that extra boost. That box is all Lola. Lots of little angels, her picture, pennies, a nickel, a prayer. Milo is absolutely fascinated with it. It's a pretty special occasion for him to look through each delicate treasure. I have added an angel pin of Jp's grandmothers (Loretta) recently and Milo made a heart valentine for it this month. The cutest cut out heart, jaggedly edges and all with a picture of two smiley little people, signed by the artist himself. It is the perfect addition.

So even in a way we got our Lola valentine or what I will think of as her valentine. All the items in this tiny little box have such a big meaning. They remind you of all the strength and courage of where and who it came from because everyone has a story, even Lola.

Happy Valentine's Day.

The Mother of an Angel

77 Months

The holidays are over, the new year has started and I have officially started my 365 days of being thankful. So far we are off to good start! I recently have completed Finley's baby book ( just a little behind), updated Milo's memory book and finished Lola's book for the year as well. I think I'm always playing catch up but I figure better late than never. The books are time consuming, but to be able to page back through them and look at all the memories we have made make my heart smile. I may have forgotten that little moment if I hadn't written it down, taken a picture or even saved that special card.

In Lola's book we have birthday letters, birthday pictures, donation letters, angel tree pictures or just about anything special that is the perfect fit for her book. In 6.5 years it is almost getting full. We are still making Lola memories everyday and every season. For Christmas this year we donated toys to toys for tots in her memory. The lady started to cry when we brought in the toys, so even when are loved ones have passed we can still carry out their memory. It's just the little things....

Right now I have 4 piles on my dressers, more catch up work! Pictures for Finley's photo album, pictures for Milo's photo album, a picture for Louie's box and a card to put in Lola's memory box. I couldn't help but think how all 4 of my kids were "staring" right at me at that moment, it was a good feeling. As the card reads "may there always be an angel by your side," and  I truly believe I do....

Happy New Year!

- mother of an angel 

76 Months

When I log into my account to write this blog it reads, "in memory of Lola Grace." There are so many things in our home that are in her memory, but by far my favorite Lola tradition is the Angel Tree. Every angel that hangs on that tree is in memory of her. Every time we are gifted an angel ornament it is in her memory. There is simply no gift that could compare. It's almost as if you said her name, you remembered and she's still with us, because quite simply angels are all around us.

There are 74 Angels on the tree this year, minus one due to a Finley accident but otherwise he's been incredibly gentle with it! The boys love to jingle the angel bell, Finley likes the star halo on one of my grandma's old angels  and Milo loves everyone's initials and his homemade angel of course. Milo defines Christmas spirit, he couldn't wait to put the tree up and the next morning when it debuted to Finley he so proudly said, " Finley this is my sister's tree, God gave her wings already." They then took off to touch and feel every angel they could. The texture, the glitter, the jewels....aren't Angels beautiful? This Lola tree is beautiful and it only gets better and bigger each year with every new angel ornament. 

Merry Christmas.

The mother of a beautiful angel 

75 Months

There are a million reasons to be thankful....every time around this year I always think to myself that I will start a handwritten list of things I am thankful for, because there must be a million and one things to express our gratitude for.  A list that on a "not so good" day may make you realize all the treasures we really do have. Maybe starting in 2016 I will start a daily thankful list, it maybe neat to just see what a whole 365 days of being thankful can bring.

I clearly remember my first Thanksgiving after Lola left us. JP was working that day and I recall sitting on this wooden deck off our room. It was a bright and sunny day. I sat there and I read and read for hours on this white plastic chair.  A Chicken Soup for the Soul book and Christmas Box, in fact The Christmas Box is the only book I still have kept in my nightstand for all these years and it's enclosed with a free hug coupon from my grandma. Yes some of the best things in life are free... Hugs are definitely one of them!

So this Thanksgiving I do have a million reasons to be thankful-all the way from Lola to Milo and to Finley....now I am ready and excited for my 365 day challenge ( starting in  2016) and I think a re-read of the Christmas Box is on my to do list. A story of hope and enduring love...a perfect story to head into the holidays.

Love-

Mother of an Angel-
^i^

74 Months

Last night we participated  in our seventh wave of light. I remember being excited, nervous and anxious to participate in our first one- only two months after Lola had left us. It was a big first step- the candle, the urn, her picture all on the fire place mantel. It's a day when people talk and share about these little angels that received their wings too soon. This year we celebrated the wave of light in Colorado. We lit the candle- the boys thought it would be fun to blow it out and we relit and remained that way for her special hour. It's Lola's hour. The day when people maybe aren't afraid to say her name or  tell you they think of her.  It's the little things, it's the Lola things.

It was extra special to be here visiting our friends, their little girl has Lola's  rug in her room and her absolute favorite toy is the stuffed giraffe that was once for Lola. She calls it her "raf." It goes to bed with her and everywhere around the house. It is that irreplaceable, special toy to her.  She loves it and her mom said it's even more special that it was Lola's.  It brings such joy to my heart to see her things being used and better than that loved.

We miss Lola more than words or this blog could ever describe. She will always be my little angel.

Mother of an angel

73 Months

In a perfect world...
I wish...
I dream...

In a perfect world Lola would still be here. I wish she was. I dream of how she is doing.

There are so many different endings I could have for the sentences above, you fill in the blank.....
The past few months have been a little challenging and lately that voice in my head keeps saying 'things could be worse.' I feel like I know what the worse feels like, which is why Lola has been the inspiration in my life of not sweating the small stuff. She is also the inspiration of making the most out of every day because life is too short.

Milo and Finley reminded me of her today. They were playing house and when Milo needed a blanket, he chose the green polka dot chamois blanket from Lola's baby shower. They played peek a boo, wrapped a bear in it and now Milo took it to bed. That blanket which has sat in a basket for years, kind of ironic how today they chose that Lola blanket. It made me smile and cherish the items I have chosen to keep from her nursery and that the boys are using or playing with.

I guess it is also the small thing,s like this lime green fuzzy blanket that can make your day and remind you of what is really important.

love,

the mother of an angel