What does loss mean....???
I thought this to myself tonight. Loss takes place in so many shapes and forms. Loss of Love, Loss of a house, Loss of a pet, Loss of your child...to each person their loss is the greatest of all. All losses hurt, though most mend themselves, well others will never be fixed.
To me, my devastation in life is the death of Lola. It feels not right, like how could this be part of the "plan"? As I read in our Easter Devotional from our church..."Parents aren't supposed to outlive their children." Hopelessness....
JP and I were blessed to spend the night today with a very special couple. The day after Thanksgiving, their 2.5 year old son passed away from a brain ainurism...one moment he was playing in the meadow and the next he tragically fainted in their living room. My heart hurts for this family and it was very healing for both of us to sit and just talk and talk about all the what ifs and buts....but also for the peace we have all accepted with our situations. They are beautiful people and I will cherish how they shared their little one with us. We saw pictures, videos...it is amazing how as we "grow" with what our lives have dealt us, we somehow learn to cope. I guess God gives us that hope back....
Elvira shared with me a letter she sent to all her friends and family...which read " We believe God sends friends as a blessing in times like these. You are holding us in your hands, helping us going through this sorrow." I don't think I could put it any better....
So for anyone that is dealing with a loss of any kind, if you look around and deep in your heart you will see all the love that surrounds you by the people that we call family and friends.....
August 16, 2009 changed my world forever. Saying Good Bye is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but I know that Lola is a beautiful angel in heaven and thanks all the people that "held" her mom and dads hands during their journey of healing....which is never ending
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
19 Months...
Every month I can't believe how this number grows and grows...and many questions run back and forth through my head. Today I had my Lola moment, as milo and I drove in the car to Pacific Grove for his play group. I sobbed the whole way there as I was peeking at little Milo's face in his play mirror. There is always something about that drive to PG that makes me squirm or maybe it reminds me of how "dark" our lives were. It is a place I never want to go, but then again to say sadness doesn't gloom over lives would be an understatement because the sadness and emptiness is always there. To be honest, it just stinks....it is like the broken heart that can never be cured.
On this day, I know I hug Milo a little tighter and remind Louie and Milo of Lola, we talk about how beautiful she is and how she is watching over them in heaven. Actually I read a book. that says when you need an angel in your life you just need to whisper their name and they will be there...Milo will have the best BIG sister angel ever.
19 Months better be a big celebration in heaven....Happy Day to you Lola!
On this day, I know I hug Milo a little tighter and remind Louie and Milo of Lola, we talk about how beautiful she is and how she is watching over them in heaven. Actually I read a book. that says when you need an angel in your life you just need to whisper their name and they will be there...Milo will have the best BIG sister angel ever.
19 Months better be a big celebration in heaven....Happy Day to you Lola!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
18 Months and a Rainy Day....
I guess when it rains, it pours...that is our weather here today. But with rain, comes rainbows and that is exactly what JP saw today, 2 of them!!! I find rainbows so amazing, their colors are so vibrant, you never see the "real" end of them, and they possess almost a type of magic to them. Mystical like an angel. Yes, I think pennies and rainbows are signs from Lola. They are those little glimmers of hope or maybe the twinkle we would see in her eyes.
I often look at Milo and wonder what features I can pick up on him from Lola. I can't help but think of all the milestones we reach with him, the first smile, gigglea and think of all the things we missed out on with Lola. The things that make you a mother of an angel, I guess we let our imaginations run wild. Milo was baptised last week. It was so beautiful and even more special that it was held in the church garden, right next to the angel fountain. It was like she was right there with us, I know she was. We lit her a beautiful candle, said a prayer and celebrated Milo's moment, as a family. Always keeping her memory alive...
On another note, our orchad from Lola's passing is not blooming, it the first time in 18 months when there is not a flower on it or a bud in progress. It makes me sad but I am hoping it will turn around. :) Amazing, how a flower can represnt so much and become so special...it blooms WHITE flowers.
To Lola- We Miss and Love You!
Dad, Mom, Milo and Louie
I often look at Milo and wonder what features I can pick up on him from Lola. I can't help but think of all the milestones we reach with him, the first smile, gigglea and think of all the things we missed out on with Lola. The things that make you a mother of an angel, I guess we let our imaginations run wild. Milo was baptised last week. It was so beautiful and even more special that it was held in the church garden, right next to the angel fountain. It was like she was right there with us, I know she was. We lit her a beautiful candle, said a prayer and celebrated Milo's moment, as a family. Always keeping her memory alive...
On another note, our orchad from Lola's passing is not blooming, it the first time in 18 months when there is not a flower on it or a bud in progress. It makes me sad but I am hoping it will turn around. :) Amazing, how a flower can represnt so much and become so special...it blooms WHITE flowers.
To Lola- We Miss and Love You!
Dad, Mom, Milo and Louie
Sunday, January 16, 2011
17 months....
Just typing that, it seems like 17 is such a big number but 17 months is just a small fraction of a babies life. Could you imagine where we would be with Lola at that point? Pigtails, Dolls, and Lolipops...that would be my guess. I bet heavenly angels have all those things and more! And here we are 17 months later, amazing how your life changes and no matter how blessed we feel, I can honestly say that not a day goes by where there are not tears in my eyes for Lola or just a sad face accompianed with that "lump" in your throat. That sadness just never fades away.
As I talk about numbers, here we are in a new year, its 2011. I thought about the past years....
2009-2010-year of healing
2010 (the end) - year of hope
2011-year of moving ahead
We did have some amazing Lola moments, as I like to call them that ended and started the new year. To good not to share, ones that make you smile when you think of them and stay with you in a good way. Those are great LOLA days.
Our angel tree (new name for our christmas tree) was so beautiful this year and we love the angel ornament gifts we receive. They are my favorite presents, filled with love and light. I carefully chose our Lola ornament this year, a little angel with sparkling gold on it!!! I then recieved the SAME EXACT angel from my best friend back in Wisconsin...I thought what are the chances of that happening. It was so special and I thought how neat every year when we unpack those 2 identical angels I will always think of that special moment. I also received an angel from my Grandparents, that said " Everytime a Bell rings an angel gets its wings."
What a Christmas classic and I do think of Lola everytime I hear a bell duing the holiday season. On Christmas Eve we opened our presents, and here again was this SAME angel wrapped up from my Dad. I don't think I spoke for a moment, I was so taken back. I knew Lola had sent us a Christmas message of Love, it just made me feel like for that one moment she was truly with us, she had it all planned. I don't think this could ever happen again or would I have ever dreamed it, kind of like a Christmas miracle.
Lola Moment Number 2.....
We were at Milo's 2 month check up appointment, when our pediatricain...Dr. Jill stopped and said....can I ask you something personal??? I remember thinking, what am I doing wrong.....and she proceeded by asking how it is with Milo after losing a child? I remember thinking for a moment, possibly more grateful, more cautious, more worried. Jp chimed in by saying now he feels he can breath again, like Milo will be okay. She then went on to say that 3 years ago on Christmas day a family here in Monterey lost their child to vasa previa and velementous insertion. I had heard of the story from a nurse in the hospital when we donated lola caps for the nursery....She went on to say that it is so rare and they cannot believe they have had 2 cases of it here. They were discussing our cases recently and she wanted to tell us, that they also go to the same pediatric office and have gone on to have 2 children. She thought maybe we could talk and she was going to pass on my information to their Dr. For a moment, I thought how crazy it was that out of all the pediatric doctors to choose from, we chose the same practice for our other children. So I hope she may call or email....but I know how painful it can be. After this appointment I think I cried for 2 days in a row. It is okay though, I like when people mention her name and want to hear her story. Milo that day received his shots. Dr. Jill carefully placed a butterfly bandage on one and a racetrack bandage on the other....a butterfly I thought, that is the symbol of infant death. Oh Lola! Then we got in the car to head home and as the radio came on, it hummed the song of a Wonderful World. Lola's Song.....these are the beautiful moments.
Angels speak to us, they really do!
As I talk about numbers, here we are in a new year, its 2011. I thought about the past years....
2009-2010-year of healing
2010 (the end) - year of hope
2011-year of moving ahead
We did have some amazing Lola moments, as I like to call them that ended and started the new year. To good not to share, ones that make you smile when you think of them and stay with you in a good way. Those are great LOLA days.
Our angel tree (new name for our christmas tree) was so beautiful this year and we love the angel ornament gifts we receive. They are my favorite presents, filled with love and light. I carefully chose our Lola ornament this year, a little angel with sparkling gold on it!!! I then recieved the SAME EXACT angel from my best friend back in Wisconsin...I thought what are the chances of that happening. It was so special and I thought how neat every year when we unpack those 2 identical angels I will always think of that special moment. I also received an angel from my Grandparents, that said " Everytime a Bell rings an angel gets its wings."
What a Christmas classic and I do think of Lola everytime I hear a bell duing the holiday season. On Christmas Eve we opened our presents, and here again was this SAME angel wrapped up from my Dad. I don't think I spoke for a moment, I was so taken back. I knew Lola had sent us a Christmas message of Love, it just made me feel like for that one moment she was truly with us, she had it all planned. I don't think this could ever happen again or would I have ever dreamed it, kind of like a Christmas miracle.
Lola Moment Number 2.....
We were at Milo's 2 month check up appointment, when our pediatricain...Dr. Jill stopped and said....can I ask you something personal??? I remember thinking, what am I doing wrong.....and she proceeded by asking how it is with Milo after losing a child? I remember thinking for a moment, possibly more grateful, more cautious, more worried. Jp chimed in by saying now he feels he can breath again, like Milo will be okay. She then went on to say that 3 years ago on Christmas day a family here in Monterey lost their child to vasa previa and velementous insertion. I had heard of the story from a nurse in the hospital when we donated lola caps for the nursery....She went on to say that it is so rare and they cannot believe they have had 2 cases of it here. They were discussing our cases recently and she wanted to tell us, that they also go to the same pediatric office and have gone on to have 2 children. She thought maybe we could talk and she was going to pass on my information to their Dr. For a moment, I thought how crazy it was that out of all the pediatric doctors to choose from, we chose the same practice for our other children. So I hope she may call or email....but I know how painful it can be. After this appointment I think I cried for 2 days in a row. It is okay though, I like when people mention her name and want to hear her story. Milo that day received his shots. Dr. Jill carefully placed a butterfly bandage on one and a racetrack bandage on the other....a butterfly I thought, that is the symbol of infant death. Oh Lola! Then we got in the car to head home and as the radio came on, it hummed the song of a Wonderful World. Lola's Song.....these are the beautiful moments.
Angels speak to us, they really do!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
16 on 16...
The 16th of December.....16 months today for Lola. The holiday season always seems to quickly approach us, I sit and wonder where did the summer go and here we are mid way into December or as most people look at it, 9 days until Christmas. Our tree is up for Lola, we started with 31 angels this year and had a few added to our collection thanks to many! I noticed today as you look into our house window from the front you can see one bright white angel almost glistening back at you. Stops and makes you smile.....so much to be thankful for, but still so much missing.
We had our Lola moment this month where we all seemed to be cuddled up in bed, I am sure it was before 6am, bright and early! It was really cozy, you can't help but smile at Milo and Louie is such a goof but right between JP and I, there was just a little empty spot. It looked like it was meant for this little girl to perfectly snuggle in and watch cartoons for a bit....it brings tears to eye. I guess in a perfect world, that would be my perfect family and perfect day. We can only dream, that would be the best Christmas wish. Guess we can't put everything on our lists...but JP chimed in right away, We Love you Lola. You can still talk with angels, even though we can't hold them in our arms...
JP found 2 pennies this month, he leaves them all over...sometimes he forgets to mention them to me, until I stumble upon that copper round circle. One was my her angel on our dresser and the other on my nightstand next to her picture. Those are still the best "hellos!"
The true meaning of this season is giving and I love that is what Lola has really taught us, life lesson number 101 from her.
Christmas time you see angels just about everywhere...on the tree, in the store for sale, a decoration in someone's yard or even a Christmas card. I hope each angel makes you think of Lola Grace, maybe her way of saying Merry Christmas to all ofus! I guess that has become one of my favorite parts of the holidays, Angels...
Thank you for remembering Lola, Merry Christmas to you all!
Kim
Mother of an Angel and Mommy to Milo
We had our Lola moment this month where we all seemed to be cuddled up in bed, I am sure it was before 6am, bright and early! It was really cozy, you can't help but smile at Milo and Louie is such a goof but right between JP and I, there was just a little empty spot. It looked like it was meant for this little girl to perfectly snuggle in and watch cartoons for a bit....it brings tears to eye. I guess in a perfect world, that would be my perfect family and perfect day. We can only dream, that would be the best Christmas wish. Guess we can't put everything on our lists...but JP chimed in right away, We Love you Lola. You can still talk with angels, even though we can't hold them in our arms...
JP found 2 pennies this month, he leaves them all over...sometimes he forgets to mention them to me, until I stumble upon that copper round circle. One was my her angel on our dresser and the other on my nightstand next to her picture. Those are still the best "hellos!"
The true meaning of this season is giving and I love that is what Lola has really taught us, life lesson number 101 from her.
Christmas time you see angels just about everywhere...on the tree, in the store for sale, a decoration in someone's yard or even a Christmas card. I hope each angel makes you think of Lola Grace, maybe her way of saying Merry Christmas to all ofus! I guess that has become one of my favorite parts of the holidays, Angels...
Thank you for remembering Lola, Merry Christmas to you all!
Kim
Mother of an Angel and Mommy to Milo
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
A Special Day...
Today is a special day....the 16th. Today marks the day of 15 months for Lola and 2 weeks for her little brother Milo. Today I closed my eyes and imagined having the two of them here together, what a dream....!
In the hospital a couple weeks ago, it was nice to visit and have some of the same nurses as Lola. There were some I remembered and some I did not, but if they were part of her battle and shared our grief on that day...they let us know, almost saying, "we were there....we still care." Her picture sat on the window in a frame labeled angels...I loved when people would pick it up and look at her. We were celebrating such a blessed time with Milo but also remembering that our family is always a family of 5. Nothing will ever change that and though we can't hold Lola in our arms, we always hold in our thoughts and hearts.
Milo and I pray everyday together...well I do the praying outloud for now!
Dear Lord in Heaven,
Thank you for this day.
Please be with my big sister Lola in heaven, tell her we miss her and love her.
Please be with my dad to be healthy and happy.
Please be with my mom so she can be the best mom she can be.
Please be with my grandparents, family and all my friends...
in your name we pray.
Amen
I know Lola hears our prayers and feels our love...I also know 2 weeks ago the angels were all cheering, she made sure of it! She is a big sister angel!
She just is part of our everyday life and no matter how much things change...she is always our little girl, our angel up above and one of the loves of our lives.
"I'll find you in the morning sun and when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon but I'll be seeing you....."
Happy day Lola!
In the hospital a couple weeks ago, it was nice to visit and have some of the same nurses as Lola. There were some I remembered and some I did not, but if they were part of her battle and shared our grief on that day...they let us know, almost saying, "we were there....we still care." Her picture sat on the window in a frame labeled angels...I loved when people would pick it up and look at her. We were celebrating such a blessed time with Milo but also remembering that our family is always a family of 5. Nothing will ever change that and though we can't hold Lola in our arms, we always hold in our thoughts and hearts.
Milo and I pray everyday together...well I do the praying outloud for now!
Dear Lord in Heaven,
Thank you for this day.
Please be with my big sister Lola in heaven, tell her we miss her and love her.
Please be with my dad to be healthy and happy.
Please be with my mom so she can be the best mom she can be.
Please be with my grandparents, family and all my friends...
in your name we pray.
Amen
I know Lola hears our prayers and feels our love...I also know 2 weeks ago the angels were all cheering, she made sure of it! She is a big sister angel!
She just is part of our everyday life and no matter how much things change...she is always our little girl, our angel up above and one of the loves of our lives.
"I'll find you in the morning sun and when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon but I'll be seeing you....."
Happy day Lola!
Monday, November 1, 2010
Big Sister....
Lola has taught me so much in life...she has changed our lives.
She has made me appreciate the small things, give with all our hearts, and to be kind and patient with others...and that everyday is a gift from God.
She has also taught me to dream a little dream and no matter what to always keep the faith.
So as our lives change daily, I always know my little girl is smiling down from heaven, it is a great to have an angel by my side always.
I don't know what the future will bring but tommorow is a day I know that Lola will be with us.
In my heart, I know she is so excited to be a big sister and overjoyed! She sent me those pennies, I just know it!
We love you Lola, always my baby girl and firstborn child.
She has made me appreciate the small things, give with all our hearts, and to be kind and patient with others...and that everyday is a gift from God.
She has also taught me to dream a little dream and no matter what to always keep the faith.
So as our lives change daily, I always know my little girl is smiling down from heaven, it is a great to have an angel by my side always.
I don't know what the future will bring but tommorow is a day I know that Lola will be with us.
In my heart, I know she is so excited to be a big sister and overjoyed! She sent me those pennies, I just know it!
We love you Lola, always my baby girl and firstborn child.
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