Wednesday, June 16, 2010

10 Months for an angel!

These are the days when I feel I can set everything aside...escape in my own world and look over Lola's pictures a million times. I always let my imagination wander, what would she look like now, what would be going on in our lives....what would be her newest tricks. I dream of those things and moments our family is missing.

I see babies around her age and wonder often what happened that things went so wrong for us, like there isn't always a million questions and what ifs constantly floating around in my head already. I think that is the way life will be for me personally, not a day goes by where i don't think of her or can break into tears in a moments notice. I guess that probably defines what a lot of angel parents go through daily....at any age or time. The feeling never goes away.....

We defintely do things at our own pace, last night I put together most of Lola's book. For months and months, I stared at it...probably making excuses. Last night I just had to do it, I cried the whole way through...every picture, everything she touched.....at a point I just had to put it away but not without 2 looks before I could go even go to bed. Running your fingers across the pictures, trying to smile at a memory when you can literally taste your tears. So a work in progress.....not to be rushed.

I don't write in here often enough, I seem to reflect everyday on what path our lives have taken. The Good and the bad.

I received these awesome pink fuzzy slippers from JP, Louie and Lola for Mother's Day. They are the warmest most comfortable slippers.....I wear them around the house all the time. It had a sweet card filled with butterflies, it was really special. I think she gave her Dad a great idea.....now everytime I slip on those fuzzy slips I think of her and my first Mother's Day. Still a Mom no matter what....just maybe a more special one. And the same for JP this upcoming Father's Day....

Our lives are full of Love and I think it only radiates from heaven when the sun shines down.

So as always, today is Lola's day!!!!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

9 Months....

I often ask myself these days, where does the time go? It's Sunday and before you know it we are headed into the weekend, ready to start our weekly routines. So today being 9 months is an important day, because it also signifies the time we spent with Lola, 9 wonderful months of watching her grow in my belly to the kicks and punches. I will always remember JP telling me when we were holding her that she just just doesn't look like a newborn baby, to us she just had a certain glow to her or maybe it was her wise soul.

What still touches me most is after 9 months how people still care and think of her....just the other day Erica told me how her and Jayden lit a candle for Lola at church. A couple months ago I received painted angel wings with no note or return address, it remained a mystery...only to find out that they were from a friend in high school that I have not seen for over 11 years. Lola's Wings. All these stories mean so much to me and usually result in "good" tears.I bet Lola smiles from Heaven too...there are other stories too and I appreciate them all. The good in people is amazing.

In church today, the sermon was about "peace". How appropraite b/c at the begining of this journey it was all we were seeking. I enjoy going and starting out at the angel in the courtyard of the sancutrary, that today was filled with blooming purple flowers. We also sang a beautiful song, you've probably heard it.....but I thought it could not be more perfect for today.

I cast all my cares upon you,
I lay all of my burdens down at your feet,
and anytime I don't know what to do,
I will cast all my cares upon you.

Lola Grace Doepke- 9 months

Friday, April 16, 2010

8 months...

I say it every month but this day always seems to come to way fast....monthly milestones. 8 months. These days don't get easier, just proving time and again, the hole in my heart that will always be longing for her. JP called me this morning, he had found a penny....funny how angels speak to you. I could tell it had made him very happy, calling it a glimmer of hope.

I miss Lola very much, something that is so undescribable. A love that is irreplacable and beyond words. Iwould give the world to be able to hold her again. So sometimes I close my eyes so tight and try to remember her. Remember how if was to hold her, see her.....and kiss her on the forehead. I try to remember those times and smile. Like the song, Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it is breaking...when there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by. If you smile through your fear and sorrow. Smile and maybe tommorow, you'll see the sun come shining through for you.............

Although a tear maybe ever so near, that is the time you must keep on trying, smile what's the use of crying....you'll find that life is still worth while if you just smile.

I think Lola would say Smile.........One Day.............:)

Monday, April 12, 2010

5 O'Clock News

The other day the news came on and it brought me to complete tears. After Lola has passed, I know I have definetly become more sensitive and emotional, one thing can trigger a million emotions. The headlining story was about two teenagers that died in a car crash, my first thought is it so unfair, those young souls. As the story went on they talked about where this was also the spot where a 4 year old boy had also been killed in a car crash back in Septemeber. They mentioned no names BUT I know. I have met that family. I have exhanged hugs. I have seen pictures of their son playing with his toys, smiling...being a kid. We have shared our children together. Our sadness......

It reminded me how we often hear story or watch the news and then carry on with life.  Because they are just another story, another tragedy...pretty unfair. I often think that people think JP and I are just back to normal...I am not sure normal will ever be the case. But we do go on, but never EVER forget.

I remember getting the first baby announcement in the mail and pictures emailed of the brand new baby just not even a couple months after Lola died. At the time I was so angry, how could anyone be so insensitive I thought. I know JP looked at me with tears when he finished looking at those pictures, we didn't talk for hours. Now as I sit back and reflect....realizing that for others life just goes on. That is part of loosing a child is learning somehow, somewhere to accept the reality that the sun will rise and the sun will set. Things will happen that are beyound our control.......

I guess my whole point is, when I watched the news I was so touched.........it hit home. I listen to friends, even family complain about things in their life they are so unhappy with. Then I hear stories like the two teenagers and the four year old hit by the drunk driver. I can put a face with the story but there is nothing we can do to change those things BUT you can change the controllables in life. Maybe it makes no sense, but I guess don't sweat the small stuff.....in the end it doesn't matter anyways.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Settling In....

I noticed my last post was before the big move, see moving can be very time consuming! Those boxes seem to deplete at a snail's pace and sometimes you have to move a piece of furniture five times before you find just the right spot...or so you think??? The move overall seems to be very positive, a little like you can breathe more often....I remember thinking we'll never know if this helps unless we try it. I think it was a step in the right direction. Moving all of Lola's things was probably the hardest part. It is like revisiting every piece of furniture or gift and I would stop and think, "Oh that was fun a day when we got that, or she would have loved that gift from my girlfriends." Or oh that is so cute, sometimes it is easier when you can pack it away. Though I honestly can tell you I don't ever think I will part with one piece of it...

But here we are now, home sweet home....

I read this quote the other day from an angel mom, I think it is perfect. Defines my life.

There are moments in your life that make you and set the course of who you're going to be. Sometimes they are little, subtle moments. Sometimes they're big moments you never saw coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.

So true, I guess we are still on that journey finding out who we really are....

Love to Lola!


Precious.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Hallelujah

It always seems like this day comes too quickly, it sneaks up on you....though I could sit and premediate what the day would be like, it will always be full of twists and turns. I looked at Lola's picture today, held it and without warning tears overwhelmed me. As I looked back at the picture one of tears rested gently on the glass of the frame, almost bubbling. It was a striking moment, a sad and surreal moment.

I read a story awhile back, that a person was afraid to die because they feared people would forget them and never remember them, they didn't want to be forgotten. I will never forget Lola. When I read that story I promised to her and myself that would never happen. She will not become a memory. Part of the reason my days always begin with a cheerful, "Good Morning Lola...Hope is Heaven is Good Today." My dearest friend told me yesterday, Lo is always with you...she is so right, I need her as much as she needs me.

JP downloaded a song last week and he went on to tell  me he did it right away b/c the album was named Grace...it was special to him. The song is Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley- awesome and I know you've heard it! You know life doesn't always have a fairy tale ending but despite it, we still reach out.......and maybe offer a hallelujah.....

Another angelersary for our angel....

A day for Lola........

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Hope has a place...

I am sitting here on my couch staring out the window, wind in the air and the beautiful sun shining on the ground......some of my last and best memories are right here on this same couch with Lola, in this same living room as we watched a movie before going to bed and watched Lola throw endless punches and kicks. I remember laughing, wondering if we would make good parents and filled with anticiapation and excitment.

So now 7 months and 3 weeks later, I will cherish the memory. Lola has taught me how to love every moment and never take it for granted. This Saturday also represents the last Saturday I will sit in this room and think the same thought that I have every time that day of the week rolls around. I refuse every Saturday night to even engage in the living room, watch tv there or even be on the couch. I'll never forget the memory but we are moving next Saturday. Ironic, maybe...or sometimes I think her way of saying let there be more Satudays full of laughter, love and hope...she is still with us everyday. So that is my way of saying hope has a place...not that it lies in a 4 sided building or the place we call home but it rests in our heart. My life depends on my hope, my faith and my belief in the power of prayer...

So here is to next week, JP tells me it is going to be the start of good things...I'll believe him or at least hope it's true. I do think there maybe a tear as I leave, ( not that I am for one moment sad to leave this house) but as painful as it is to remember looking at certain spots here will always be a place of Lola memories...