135 Months

        I have a paper clip that has been sitting in my bathroom since March. It is my reminder to " keep it together." Keep it together...what a thought! I can think of so many times in my life where things have been far from this. Emotions, life,  you name it can all take over and make us feel like we have somewhat lost control. We lost the wheel. I felt that way with Lola. I still feel that way with her. It was just out of our hands. There was nothing I could do to keep it together.  I probably needed the paper clip reminder then more than I do now.  I am going to keep my paperclip around for awhile. It is a good way to let me know the things I can control in my own life- love, self- control, patience, peace. I guess pretty much every fruit of the spirit. Sometimes it is okay to not keep it together too, it is this thing little thing we call life. 

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

134 Months

 Yesterday we celebrated the Wave of Light, that special hour each year where any baby gone too soon is remembered. We have used the same candle for the past twelve years for Lola. I remember it sitting on the fire place mantel in California the first year and now sitting in my grandmother's crystal candle holder. The Wave of Light falls on my grandmother's birthday, I think it is special. Maybe she was the first one to meet Lola and welcome her to heaven... The boys made luminary bags for Lola this, hand drawn angels and hearts, it was so heart felt and precious. We were also blessed with finding a penny yesterday. It has been a long time! It was also the perfect day to discover a Lola treasure. Finley placed it right next to her candle last night. We miss Lola everyday, every hour, every minute....I hope the pink sky last night at sunset was one of her angel signs to us.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

133 Months

 The sun is finally out today and it feels so good. After a few days of rain and gloomy skies, it is nice to be outside and feel its warmth and happiness. The sun makes me smile. Milo made me smile. He gave me such a beautiful Lola moment. Starting out his school year remote, he was working on a getting to know you assignment to share with his new classmates. He came up to me after school one day and whispered in my ear, "Mom, I put I have no sisters and no dog but I know Lola is my sister and Louie is my dog. It is hard to explain to new friends." It made my heartbreak, as I held back my tears. Of course I encouraged him to always do what he feels is best and they know that he loves them. Just like me. I was so proud of him in that moment, he will always be my caring, sensitive little boy. I love that he carries Louie and Lola in his heart. 

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

132 Months

     “Eleven in Heaven.” That has been my constant thought all day. Has it really been eleven years since we held Lola and last saw her beautiful angelic face? Sadly, it has. Last night I tossed and turned in bed, the days match up this year, Saturday evening into Sunday morning. The same as eleven years ago. If I could somehow change it, I would. If I could repeat that night, I often think maybe there was someway it could have all been different. Maybe she could still be here...I will live with that thought for the rest of my days on this earth. She is just the missing piece of our family and hearts and that will never change. For a Mom, it will never heal.

    I told Milo and Finley we were celebrating Lola’s birthday this weekend. Milo being so sweet said, “I wonder what she would be like...” He thinks she would be a VISCO girl, would have claimed the bedroom with the attached bathroom, and probably would boss them around because that is what big sisters do. Finley thinks she would be fun to dance with, maybe they would look the same. I bet she would be all those things and more. If she was given the chance, I would imagine she would be more grateful and humble than we know. Probably how we all should be everyday...

  We went for an early morning walk on the beach for Lola. This year we decided to just do the single pink rose for her in the ocean, and Milo writing her name in the sand with a heart and number 11. It was a rainy morning, but of course the rain produced a beautiful shimmering rainbow. We could see the beginning of it to the end, perfectly over the turquoise crystal waters. I think that was our Lola sign. As we walked the shores, we found many shells to add to our collection. One that I found was called a pen shell. It has two halves and almost resembles a heart when the two pieces are folded out. We found only one side, Milo thinks Lola has the other part. The interior surface of it also has a little bit of a rainbow shine to it, it will always remind me of Lola's 11th birthday.

  Our family decided to donate a car seat to an organization in Sarasota called Mothers Helping Mothers for her birthday. It was an item on their wishlist and the boys both thought it was nice to give an item that would keep a little boy or girl safe. I signed the card, "The Doepke Family -Lola."

   Eleven years. 4,015 days. 132 Months. Whatever way we put it, it seems like an eternity. There is not a day and will never be a day when I don't think of Lola Grace Doepke. Wishing she was here everyday, hour, and second that she has been gone.

Happy Birthday Lola!

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

  

   

131 Months

I walked outside this morning and was greeted by a beautiful bright orange butterfly flying directly towards me. It seemed to whirl around in a couple circles and then flutter around the vibrant yellow hibiscus blooming in our yard. I just stood silently and watched as the sun beat down on me. Oh yes, it was Lola's day, the 16th of the month. It was a pleasant and heavenly reminder. I thought to myself what a nice and almost "calming" way to start the day. Soon we will embark on her birthday, 11 years. That still leaves me speechless as well. I just wish things were different...


Love,

The Mother of an Angel

130 Months

I told JP the other day that I miss finding pennies from Lola. When you don’t leave your house very often there is less of a chance to find those tiny blessings. I miss that. We took on a project in our house of cleaning and organizing all Finley’s Legos. The colors, the Minifigures, the accessories...I think we spent the whole day in his room. As we emptied the last bin on the floor to sort through  Finley yelled, “Mom, I found a Penny!” I was as excited as he was, funny how that ended up in there. It went in his penny collection, but in my heart it was marked as a penny from heaven. Just what I needed. ❤️

129 Months

Last week was Mother’s Day, in all honesty a day I wish we would just skip. I love my boys with all my heart and am blessed to be their Mom. I know they love and appreciate me. I just don’t need a special day to be told that. I can see it in their eyes and daily hugs, or when they call out “mom” A million times a day) Mother’s Day reminds me of what was to be my first Mother’s Day in 2010. To the rest of the world I did not look like a mom . I cannot even describe the sadness I felt, I wished the day would be over as quick as it began. So ever since that first Mother’s Day I feel like I have taken on the role of the invisible mom. I am Milo and Finley’s mom but Lola’s too. People forget that, don’t know that, or just guess from what they see. I carry Lola in my heart everyday day, not in my arms or holding her hand walking down the street. I am the invisible mom. Even though we say “Happy Mother’s Day” it doesn’t always feel that way for the moms that have lost their children, long to be a mom, or have lost their own mom. There will always be something missing from that day...

Love,
The Mother of an Angel