87 Months

Today JP found a penny in Key West, a week ago I found a penny at Milo's basketball practice. For this month of November we are supposed to be expressing gratitude and thinking of all the things we are thankful for, and for me it's still the simplicity of finding a penny that always makes my list. It's the little things...Milo also threw a penny into the small world ride at disneyworld. He was so excited, it was the perfect way to include Lola into one of the most magical places on earth and our family trip.  Oh the joy of a penny!

For this season, we have a little wooden tree in our playroom, it is our gratitude tree for Thanksgiving. We all listed things we were thankful for on little colorful fall leaves, of course Lola, Milo, Louie and Finley were my leaves.  Everyone is still part of the tree and my heart forever...there are so many things to be thankful for. I think it's hard when we are going through trying times to remember that. I'm not so sure I was thankful for anything when Lola left us, I probably should have been but now as I reflect back there is more gratitude. Being thankful can remind you of all the things  that should make our heart and smiles shine. I'm looking forward to finding my next penny...

Love- 

The mother of an angel

86 Months

Last night we lit our candle for Lola for the wave light and also for all the angels that got their wings too soon. I literally sat and said out loud all the names of the babies or moms that this candle represented. The pain is real. My candle is now 7 years old...

I choose to participate in a project called capture your grief.for the month of October.  Each day representing a different emotion or journey with Lola. There have been lots more tears while revisiting these memories but the response from others has been amazing and in a way rewarding. I don't feel as I am living with a secret, it's really all out there. Death and loss is uncomfortable topic but Lola is beautiful, her story is heart breaking but  maybe she really is making an impact on the world. I hope someone reads it and feels they are not alone in their grief. I hope someone reads it and smiles. I hope someone reads it and asks about the test they can have during their pregnancy that could save their babies life. I hope someone reads it and realizes they can breathe again and honor their loved one. I hope someone reads it and has found a penny that made them think of Lola.

She really was a gorgeous little girl, she will never leave my soul and I promise to keep telling her story. Forever in our hearts, Lola Grace.

Love- The Mother often Angel 

85 Months

second grade...

It's hard to believe that Lola would be a second grader, the things we have missed. This time of year seems to be focused around school: getting into a routine, packing lunches, setting alarms, making new friends, and homework.  As mothers it's watching our kids grow up in a blink of an eye and seeing them wave good bye to you as they head into school with a smile. Maybe it's also called letting go...

That is probably the hardest part with Lola, it's hard to let go. It seems unfair because I still want to have those first days of school with her and the first "everything." But we can't and still every school year I always think what grade she would be in or how Milo could have his big sister with him in the mornings as they head to class. I know she still watches over him.

We did have a little part of Lola today at Milo's kindergarten teddy bear picnic, actually Lola bear ( a bear from Lola's nursery) came along and snowball. It was fun to have lunch with the boys and all Milo's classmates. I glimpsed at that bear so many times and it made me think of her, kind of like she was enjoying the festivities with us, she is always part of our family. It was a good feeling and it is heartwarming that the boys enjoy that bear and love to play with it because it is one special angel bear.

Love-
The mother of an angel

84 Months

It's her seventh birthday. Seven years. I think back to this day often, what could we have done different, how I didn't know anything was wrong and how things could have been. That was me as I walked along the shoreline today ahead of the group...When I looked back I could see this little seven year old girl hanging on her daddy's arm, Finley picking up seashells and Milo throwing a rock in the water. We would be outnumbered. It would be great. It would be fun and at times a lot but it was the fabulous five. But that's not the story, that's the dream and then reality sets in where I see Lola's pink rose floating away in the clear waters. Finley is picking up shells and Milo is throwing a rock but JP is just watching and walking behind them. He smiles.

It's important to celebrate Lola's day. We have our tradition of the pink balloons that we decorate and send messages to heaven. Throwing the pink rose into the sea.  It's tradition to write her a letter on each birthday, which turns into lots of tear stained paper. It's a tradition to give to others on her day. Someone once told me that you can't change what happens but it's what you do after that counts. We could have given up but we didn't. Our family isn't perfect, Lola will always be gone and I'm still working on accepting that, maybe I never will. Maybe my heart won't ever feel complete or will I ever know how it feels to be care free again but I'm going to hang onto hope.

We chose this year to donate money to the victims of the horrible fire occurring in the Big Sur area, very close to where Lola entered this world. A place that is so beautiful, unique and a healing spot for JP and I. Maybe it's beauty helped heal our hearts little by little, I couldn't think of a better birthday gift to help those affected by the fire. We also bought glitter, yes lots of glitter for Bookworm Gardens. I kept thinking what girl doesn't love glitter as we picked this request off the wishing tree...

So the day is almost over, dark skies are surrounding us and I honestly feel a little more at peace. The weeks and days leading up to her birthday are painful, the anticipation is the worst.  But I do thank God for the memories I have of Lola. I can close my eyes and picture her face, that sweet angelic face. So Happy Birthday Pretty Girl, may the love and prayers from all your family and friends be felt all the way to heaven today.

Love-
Your Mom

83 Months

As I sat down to write this blog tonight there is a beautiful rainbow outside my window. The dreary skies are turning into night and this rainbow is slowly disappearing each time I peek to look at it. In fact now it's gone.

Time either goes too fast or too slow...I honestly can't believe in one month it would or I should say will be Lola's 7th birthday. This time of year comes with such mixed emotions. It is almost like you can replay everything that happened over and over again. And here we still are. I would much rather be planning a seventh birthday party versus thinking of some type of charitable contribution to celebrate her day.

The rainbow made me smile and think when I sat down this evening, my first rainbow blog I guess.  Maybe Lola and God were trying to tell me something. Sometimes you just have to trust but never fully understand.

Love-
The mother of an angel

82 Months

The traveling penny...

We have just returned from a beautiful, tropical and most relaxing vacation in Puerto Rico. It made me miss island life but as a family it was a wonderful time to reconnect and recharge. I can close my eyes and picture the boys running into the crisp blue ocean but I'm pretty certain Lola was at her best watching over us. As we sat down in our terminal for Puerto Rico to depart there was one shiny penny on the seat we had chosen. Milo quickly claimed the Lola penny, here we all were going to Puerto Rico. The week went too fast, the weeks you never wish would end. We swam, we built sand castles, we walked on the beach. ( we also laughed and giggled lots too) It was good.

Early in the morning we headed out to the San Juan airport, it's an extremely busy spot. A little chaotic. After we passed security and we were putting on our shoes, we sat down and there was another penny. One on the way to our trip and one for the way home. Thank You Lola!
Finding a penny just makes you smile, it makes you feel good, it made me feel like she was with us but that penny was just an extrodinary reminder of our angel. We got back to Florida and walking Finley around the luggage area we stumbled upon another penny. Two in one day in fact. That is the story of the traveling penny, our angel's pennies. It made the trip and memories even more remarkable. I can picture Milo sitting with JP on a Palm tree talking, Finley jumping into the kiddie pool fearlessly and Lola's pennies. It was a great time.

Love-
The Mother of an Angel

81 months

A week ago was Mother's Day. I love my boys with all my heart but that day never feels complete. It stirs up memories of my first Mother's Day, I sat with JP walking along the beautiful Carmel Beach. It was a sad and lonely day...a reminder of the beautiful girl we lost. That day will always be missing Lola, a reminder of what could and should have been.

I received a text from one of my dear friends on Mother's Day morning "Kim, Happy Mother's Day...I wonder where you will find a penny today." It made me feel so fulfilled and love that she was so confident I would find a penny on that day. Instead of feeling a little lost, I looked forward to that hopeful penny. It turns out, she was right. We found a penny on Mother's Day at our last adventure spot of the day. Milo now shares in the enthusiasm of penny finding and asks to keep them. My friend replied later on... "She truly is with you."

I got my penny from Lola, hand drawn card from Milo and the biggest hug and sloppiest kiss from Finley. ( louie gave me kisses too) I couldn't ask for more love.

I wore my pink scarf for Lola that day. I may just look like a mom with two adorable little boys but I also have a little girl in heaven that I am a Mom to as well. My three little munchkins.

Lots of Love-

The Mother  of an Angel