68 Months

Journeys. I was thinking the other day of all the adventures we embarked upon with our Honda Element. The "good old" blue car that we bought over a decade ago in Key West. It's been to San Antonio, Monterey and back to its orginal home of Key West. If that car could speak, the stories it could tell. The best stories would include bringing Louie home, endless trips to the Pottery Barn outlet, afternoon drives, Milo bopping to music in the back, trip to Palm Beach, San Francisco, this car has  put on the miles. But with all the happy memories comes some of the saddest....Our last drive to the hospital with Lola. I turned Jimmy Buffet on that night, it was pitch black, the only ones on the road, hand resting on my stomach.  From that point it almost seems like a fog, the day I was discharged that car was full of flowers and not the baby girl that was supposed to be in that grey car seat in the back. Getting in that car was just the first step of our new reality, one we weren't prepared for.

So maybe I am a little more sentimental about this car, JP described it as "bittersweet." Many pennies have been displayed in it,  many tears have fallen and many songs that are "Lola's" have been played. I recall on the drive to find out her gender the song "Daughters" came on. It had to be one of our very first angel signs. The drive to pick up her ashes and the drive home stopping at a look out point staring at the ocean from this car for what it seemed like hours. It's the little girl we will never watch grow up so I guess we hold onto those memories that we do have, even the saddest ones. 

We sold the Element a few weeks ago-  it was a whirlwind surprise and a great story. Lola sure was watching over that transaction! I will always remember that blue car, it's kind of special.

Mother of an Angel 

67 Months

We have a little green sleeper....it has clovers adorned on it and a little patch on the bottom that reads, " My 1st St. Patrick's Day."  It is one of the only clothing items that I think has hung in all three of our children's closet. I would definitely rank it in the " special" clothing category. I can remember it hanging so crisp and new in Lola's closet. A little white baby hanger and holiday sleeper surrounded with dresses and pink and purple girl clothing. In Milo's it hung still unworn and eventually made its way out, fitting a little big for his first St. Patrick's day. He looked adorable! And now Finley has it- not new but broken in with a few stains/softest cotton ( better than new I call it !) He has been wearing it for months now and it is on the verge of "my legs may POP out of this Mom" stage. I had to save it for one quick last wear tomorrow before it heads to my memory box, even if it's just for a fun moment. I can picture Milo sitting in his lime green bumbo wearing it, Finley in the crawling position wearing it and with Lola I'll just imagine. All three kids have in someway shared it, it's just not another sleeper- it's the Doepke kids St. Patty's outfit- for the Angel and all.

Happy St. Patrick's Day.....

Mother of an Angel

66 Months

Lately I am amazed at how fast the days go by, there truly is some meaning to the phrase " there are never enough hours in the day." I feel like it was just a week ago when I wrote my last Lola blog and here the 16th has already come and almost gone. Never would this day go by without it being Lola's day to me, that will never change. No matter how much our lives move in fast forward or the mornings quickly become night, I always want to make time for Lola on "her day" and maybe she takes time to make a moment for us too. Like walking into the house after a play date  today and " pennies from heaven" was sounding from the tv music channel or how about leaving music class on Valentine's day and Milo spots on his own....a penny. I told him what a great valentine from Lola. Love.
I recall how days dragged on after she passed....some I thought would never end. It's another step for us. This chapter of life brings so much joy and absolute craziness but I wouldn't change it for the world. and Lola is still part of it. She is my daughter, she's my angel and we are all in it together. We are family....Taking a moment everyday to remember Lola and hoping you can find time to say "hello" to her too....or other special angels in your life.

Love- mother of an angel

65 Months

It's the start of a brand new day and when you find a shiny penny right outside your house, you can't help but think it is going to be a great one.  ( especially when it's the 16th of the month) Many people think pennies are lucky, while my pennies are a gift from my angel. It's our conversation piece. I can't describe this almost "burst of joy" I felt, funny how a penny can make you feel this way. Now my day has been no where near perfect, but it has been full of smiles, laughs, good converstion, a game of tug of war with Louie and cuddles with my boys. That's really all that counts and of course my hello from Lola. The positives will always outweigh the negatives. The sun will always shine again and there will always be lots more pennies to be found. 

Thanks Lola!

Love- 

A mother of an Angel 

64 Months

71 Angels is the count for this year's annual Lola tree. Each unique, precious and special as she. This tree has become one of our most favorite traditions. As you enter our house that little angel on the top of the tree gleams, while the others sparkle and shimmer off the white lights. There are even some angels that are so "childlike" and cheerful they almost bring a smile to,your face. Her tree gives me the time and place to stop for a moment and think of her... The Lola Angel Tree. We appreciate and cherish each angel we receive from others and every year when we take out the angels, I am reminded of all those that love and carry on this tradition with us. It truly is special....

Merry Christmas to all! May you find yourselves making snow/sand angels and every time you hear a bell this season, let's dream another angel has gotten their wings! Love to Lola.

Mother of an Angel

Ps.- I found a penny today!

63 Months

Whenever we see an angel, Milo's instant response is...."there is Lola."  I have learned in a four year olds eyes to him churches and any angel, is in fact his sister. It is so pure and innocent. My grandmother always sends mail adorned with angel stickers, Milo always exclaims " lola stickers!"  A recent card birthday card from our church, was yes from Lola! Those are Milo's way of celebrating his special angel above and I believe and am hopeful she is watching over him every step of the way....We did actually receive one piece of mail for Miss Lola Grace Doepke this week. JP had registered her name from previous donations of all her baby items, and now we are giving all our baby boy items to this special organization as well. So thank you Lola for your generous donation of 0-3 month baby boy clothing. That has to make you smile, I recall picking up that piece of mail and just grinning ear to ear. It reads, " you have greatly assisted in our mission to promote and enhance the safety, well being and development of children by educating, supporting and meeting the needs of families. Your continued support is deeply appreciated."  This letter is a perfect addition to her angel book. I hope we have the chance to get more Lola mail like this in the future and can't wait for the next time Milo has his Lola spotting.

It's the simple and little things I have learned to cherish. ...

Love-

Mother of an Angel

62 Months

It's the sixth year we have participated in the International Wave of Light Ceremony. It's  the sixth year we have used the same candle. The only candle we ever use on Lola's birthday and for Wave of Light, used twice a year. It's almost like fine china! The flame is still bright but the candle is getting smaller. White and angelic, candles always seem to bring tranquility and peace to a room with their glow. I thought about all the candles shining for these little babies, somewhere way beyond the stars they are watching over us and someday we will all be reunited. Their lives like Lola's too short and so dearly missed.

Our candle traveled with us for that hour. When we first lit it, I was able to take a moment to say a prayer, say hello and run my fingers over her picture. That candle lit up my whole room. I took it with me while I bathed Finley. It made me recall lying in the hospital bed as I watched JP and the nurse give Lola a bath. I cried the whole time. JP was brave. We picked out her going home outfit from my hospital bag and dressed and combed her hair.  This  outfit was more like her "heaven" is my home outfit. Memories.  At the end of the hour I blew out the candle, the smoke swirled in the air. It's put away now until Lola's next birthday. We still remember and cherish her everyday, she was just too special for this earth.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel