Lola's 1st Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday Lola....Monday, August 16 2010.

When Someone Comes into our lives...
and they are too quietly and quickly gone,
they leave footprints on our hearts...
and their memory stays with us forever.

I am sittng here on Lola's most special day wondering what would be the perfect thing to write on today's blog or the perfect letter to her that would sum up this year. Maybe the quote above speaks for itself, her memory forever is with us and our lives are inscripted with "lola" written all over our hearts. I am watching her candle burn in front of me, it is beautiful and there were so many beautiful things about her today. The memories, the tears, the embraces, the prayers, the thoughtfulness that is Lola. Now I must say I can only imagine birthdays are the best in heaven...I even asked our pastor what he thought of that, he agreed. So somewhere in this day I hope you found her, whether it be in the first glowing star of the night, the sun beating down on your face, the waves crashing into the shore or the simple smile of a stranger. That is what makes JP and I happy, is forever knowing that her memory is alive.

Today is celebrating Lola Grace Doepke Day....a birthday of a beautiful angel, a loving daughter, wonderful granddaughter and inspiration to many.

Life is not measured my the number of breaths we take but the moments that take our breath away....everyday morning when I look at her picture I feel that way.

We Love you Lola! Happy 1st Birthday!

Love,

Mom and Dad ( louie too!)

11 months...

I have noticed a pattern. My blogs are becoming labeled by the months of Lola's age. I think about her constantly, everything we do seems to reflect a memory of her...we maybe in a different spot than we were 11 months ago, but JP and I always talk about how she is our daughter, part of our family. Someday when our family grows, she will always be included in that number...I oftern think I need to be braver, a little more corouage would do. I remember being in the hospital one night, not being able to sleep and all seems quiet around you...maybe beside the hustle of a nurse's footstep or an iv machine pumping. I know in my head, I was thinking this could not be happening, I will never survive this...though I was surrounded by beautiful bouquets of flowers, cards, a loving husband trying to get some sleep...it maybe the most alone I have ever felt. The feeling where for months and months you planned to bring home this little girl, the car seat awaited for her in the car in the parking lot but you are left with empty arms and a broken heart. That may have been my moment where it finally hit me....

People will always say, "that is not the way it is supposed to be." It never is....


I think Lola still hits me everyday....looking at her picture on my nightstand, sitting in her chair, staring at her footprints. All these things around mt house are to keep her memory alive. Which I will do, everyday.

I think God has given me some great signs that she is okay. On our recent trip to Santa Barbara JP found a penny as were stopping at Starbucks for a little treat....almost like she is saying, "hey guys, i'm here!"

We were also able to donate the Volvo to the Monterey Compassion Pregnancy Center, maybe that money will help a young mother decide she wants to keep her baby...maybe Lola can help save a life.

For the past couple months I have already been trying to figure out what to do next month....can I sleep in my own house that night,how to honor her, how to spend her day. Being angel mommies and daddies is not the easiest thing....

So for Lola....as my aunt would say.

Live
Our
Lives
Abudantly

Happy Angelversary Baby Girl!

10 Months for an angel!

These are the days when I feel I can set everything aside...escape in my own world and look over Lola's pictures a million times. I always let my imagination wander, what would she look like now, what would be going on in our lives....what would be her newest tricks. I dream of those things and moments our family is missing.

I see babies around her age and wonder often what happened that things went so wrong for us, like there isn't always a million questions and what ifs constantly floating around in my head already. I think that is the way life will be for me personally, not a day goes by where i don't think of her or can break into tears in a moments notice. I guess that probably defines what a lot of angel parents go through daily....at any age or time. The feeling never goes away.....

We defintely do things at our own pace, last night I put together most of Lola's book. For months and months, I stared at it...probably making excuses. Last night I just had to do it, I cried the whole way through...every picture, everything she touched.....at a point I just had to put it away but not without 2 looks before I could go even go to bed. Running your fingers across the pictures, trying to smile at a memory when you can literally taste your tears. So a work in progress.....not to be rushed.

I don't write in here often enough, I seem to reflect everyday on what path our lives have taken. The Good and the bad.

I received these awesome pink fuzzy slippers from JP, Louie and Lola for Mother's Day. They are the warmest most comfortable slippers.....I wear them around the house all the time. It had a sweet card filled with butterflies, it was really special. I think she gave her Dad a great idea.....now everytime I slip on those fuzzy slips I think of her and my first Mother's Day. Still a Mom no matter what....just maybe a more special one. And the same for JP this upcoming Father's Day....

Our lives are full of Love and I think it only radiates from heaven when the sun shines down.

So as always, today is Lola's day!!!!

9 Months....

I often ask myself these days, where does the time go? It's Sunday and before you know it we are headed into the weekend, ready to start our weekly routines. So today being 9 months is an important day, because it also signifies the time we spent with Lola, 9 wonderful months of watching her grow in my belly to the kicks and punches. I will always remember JP telling me when we were holding her that she just just doesn't look like a newborn baby, to us she just had a certain glow to her or maybe it was her wise soul.

What still touches me most is after 9 months how people still care and think of her....just the other day Erica told me how her and Jayden lit a candle for Lola at church. A couple months ago I received painted angel wings with no note or return address, it remained a mystery...only to find out that they were from a friend in high school that I have not seen for over 11 years. Lola's Wings. All these stories mean so much to me and usually result in "good" tears.I bet Lola smiles from Heaven too...there are other stories too and I appreciate them all. The good in people is amazing.

In church today, the sermon was about "peace". How appropraite b/c at the begining of this journey it was all we were seeking. I enjoy going and starting out at the angel in the courtyard of the sancutrary, that today was filled with blooming purple flowers. We also sang a beautiful song, you've probably heard it.....but I thought it could not be more perfect for today.

I cast all my cares upon you,
I lay all of my burdens down at your feet,
and anytime I don't know what to do,
I will cast all my cares upon you.

Lola Grace Doepke- 9 months

8 months...

I say it every month but this day always seems to come to way fast....monthly milestones. 8 months. These days don't get easier, just proving time and again, the hole in my heart that will always be longing for her. JP called me this morning, he had found a penny....funny how angels speak to you. I could tell it had made him very happy, calling it a glimmer of hope.

I miss Lola very much, something that is so undescribable. A love that is irreplacable and beyond words. Iwould give the world to be able to hold her again. So sometimes I close my eyes so tight and try to remember her. Remember how if was to hold her, see her.....and kiss her on the forehead. I try to remember those times and smile. Like the song, Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it is breaking...when there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by. If you smile through your fear and sorrow. Smile and maybe tommorow, you'll see the sun come shining through for you.............

Although a tear maybe ever so near, that is the time you must keep on trying, smile what's the use of crying....you'll find that life is still worth while if you just smile.

I think Lola would say Smile.........One Day.............:)

5 O'Clock News

The other day the news came on and it brought me to complete tears. After Lola has passed, I know I have definetly become more sensitive and emotional, one thing can trigger a million emotions. The headlining story was about two teenagers that died in a car crash, my first thought is it so unfair, those young souls. As the story went on they talked about where this was also the spot where a 4 year old boy had also been killed in a car crash back in Septemeber. They mentioned no names BUT I know. I have met that family. I have exhanged hugs. I have seen pictures of their son playing with his toys, smiling...being a kid. We have shared our children together. Our sadness......

It reminded me how we often hear story or watch the news and then carry on with life.  Because they are just another story, another tragedy...pretty unfair. I often think that people think JP and I are just back to normal...I am not sure normal will ever be the case. But we do go on, but never EVER forget.

I remember getting the first baby announcement in the mail and pictures emailed of the brand new baby just not even a couple months after Lola died. At the time I was so angry, how could anyone be so insensitive I thought. I know JP looked at me with tears when he finished looking at those pictures, we didn't talk for hours. Now as I sit back and reflect....realizing that for others life just goes on. That is part of loosing a child is learning somehow, somewhere to accept the reality that the sun will rise and the sun will set. Things will happen that are beyound our control.......

I guess my whole point is, when I watched the news I was so touched.........it hit home. I listen to friends, even family complain about things in their life they are so unhappy with. Then I hear stories like the two teenagers and the four year old hit by the drunk driver. I can put a face with the story but there is nothing we can do to change those things BUT you can change the controllables in life. Maybe it makes no sense, but I guess don't sweat the small stuff.....in the end it doesn't matter anyways.

Settling In....

I noticed my last post was before the big move, see moving can be very time consuming! Those boxes seem to deplete at a snail's pace and sometimes you have to move a piece of furniture five times before you find just the right spot...or so you think??? The move overall seems to be very positive, a little like you can breathe more often....I remember thinking we'll never know if this helps unless we try it. I think it was a step in the right direction. Moving all of Lola's things was probably the hardest part. It is like revisiting every piece of furniture or gift and I would stop and think, "Oh that was fun a day when we got that, or she would have loved that gift from my girlfriends." Or oh that is so cute, sometimes it is easier when you can pack it away. Though I honestly can tell you I don't ever think I will part with one piece of it...

But here we are now, home sweet home....

I read this quote the other day from an angel mom, I think it is perfect. Defines my life.

There are moments in your life that make you and set the course of who you're going to be. Sometimes they are little, subtle moments. Sometimes they're big moments you never saw coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.

So true, I guess we are still on that journey finding out who we really are....

Love to Lola!

Precious.