Somedays that is all I feel like I can say...everyday when I wake up in the morning my heart breaks in a million pieces. Just longing to look over and see her in her crib, instead when I look in her room ( I still call it Lola's room) I see her crib filled with items we have packed up. It no longer looks like a nursery but more like a baby "storage unit" There are a couple items I did leave out, 2 picture frames with pictures of her and her teddy bear. I know it sounds silly but sometimes I will just hold her little bear and cry. I just want to know why us, why lola? Don't ask me what we are going to do with everything, right now it just feels okay where it is. I wanted to give some baby products (medications, shampoos) to another couple here in CA that just had their baby...I know it is the right thing to do but I can't even bear to let go of those simple little things. I just don't ever want to let her go.....
Jp's parents came for a visit this weekend, it was really nice. I found myself thinking a lot about how things should have been with them...more like it should have been a visit with Lola, taking walks with her in the stroller, etc. But that isn't our life and sometimes the reality of it is so hard for me to accept. I guess you dream up your life and how things will be...most girls dream the same things. You meet your prince charming, get married, buy a house with a white picket fence, get a dog, and start your family, having lots of children! Hmmmm...married prince charming, rented a house in keywest with a white picket fence?, got louie...and now the biggest part of the dream is gone, our family a dream Jp and I share together. Oh, I know people say but "you can have kids again" but that does not replace the child you lost, because Lola will always be our first child, our daughter, she's just an angel....I love my angel! I guess for me right now I am really struggling with it all...somedays are better than others but the sadness for her is always there. Oh how I love her....
Lola with her Grandpa Doepke!
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