204 Months

Happy 17th birthday, our sweet Lola Grace!

We received a small package in the mail from Bookwork Gardens a couple days before Lola’s birthday. For many of Lola’s birthdays, we’ve donated or purchased something in her memory. It really is a magical spot. A must stop on our visits home.

The letter was about the “Butterfly Effect” and how small acts can create big impacts. Our actions can make a change, or make a difference. Of course, they asked for support and donations but this message has been sitting with me...

“The Butterfly Effect”-how many people, families, or even organizations has Lola had an impact on in the past 17 years? In my heart, I hope it’s many. Maybe her story. Maybe her picture. A donation in her memory. Helping others by spreading an act of kindness in her homor. For me, Lola has provided life-changing moments that I could have never imagined.

I didn’t find a penny today, but I saw so many different butterflies and it brought me the tiniest bit of joy. Trying our best to celebrate and carry on Lola’s memory, we pixie-dusted some Disney items around Vero Beach this morning with a little pink tag that read:

“You’ve been Pixie-Dusted in memory of Lola Grace.”

We’re hoping whoever found these special little Disney treasures had a little extra joy added to their day. The Butterfly Effect.

We wrote her name and birthday in a shell. Finley etched her name in the sand. JP bought pink roses, and Milo was along for the ride.

Her special candle was lit for 17 minutes, and Finley thinks her favorite color would be green, so he wrote a happy birthday message just for her on green paper. (Remember her room was green and blue!)

We’re also buying “glitter” for Bookwork Gardens in Lola's memory. A special leaf we picked off their giving tree when we were there in July. We all agreed Lola would like glitter!

I think a lot about the last time our hearts beat together and the last time we were able to hold  Lola. I always wonder what she would look like, and what memories we would have made. I miss her everyday but I know the impact she’s having on the world.

I bet heaven agrees. We will meet again.

Love,
The Mother of an Angel

203 Months ( A little over...)

I know I missed writing on the 16th last month. I remember the day so clearly. I was lying in bed at our Airbnb and realizing, close to midnight, that I was going to miss writing it.

Lately, I’ve been trying to approach life with the mindset that it’s okay if things don’t go exactly as I planned or wanted. I’m learning to go with the flow, and especially on vacation, that felt okay.

Our summer adventure in Wisconsin was absolutely full of Lola moments!

There were the six-plus pennies we found. "Special pennies from Heaven." There was our visit to Bookworm Gardens, where we got to see her granite book and her brick. The boys sitting on the rocking chairs in the garden and waiting for these little girls to finish reading their books...just so I could get one picture of her book and my dad's. Even though she isn’t here with us, it became a new memory we get to carry with us. 

I’ll always remember Finley writing “Lola” on the water wall and then turning around and smiling at me. If my memory serves me right, I think he even put a heart next to it.

Those little moments mean so much.

This summer trip was so good for my soul. It reminded me that even when life doesn’t look the way I imagined it would, there are still a lot of beauitful unexpected moments.

Thank you, Lola, for being part of our summer memories. 

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

202 Months

It is finally summer! Phew... I feel like I have been counting down to this for a while. I'm always talking about how busy life gets and how fast time goes. This summer, I really want to slow down, relax, and make memories because honestly, you blink and your babies aren't babies anymore.

With Milo and Finley, I can close my eyes and picture every stage. The babies, the toddlers, the little boys, and now the teenagers they're becoming. Time keeps moving with them, whether I'm ready for it or not.

But it's different with your angel child...

When I think of Lola, I can imagine what she might look like now, but my mind always comes back to that sweet tiny baby in my arms in the hospital room. Her little clothes were a bit too big, and her flower crocheted hat my Grandma made fits just right. That's how I remember her. She never gets older in my memories. She never outgrows that tiny outfit or that hat. While life keeps moving forward with my boys, sweet Lola always stays my baby. My angel baby.

So this summer, while I'm soaking up every moment with Milo and Finley, I am holding onto that Lola baby moment. One of my favorite memories to carry with me...

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

201 Months

There is a saying that comes to mind, "There’s always an angel watching over your shoulder."

A couple of weeks ago, JP and I spent the day cleaning up the backyard, refreshing the flowers, scrubbing the patio furniture, bringing everything back to life. It’s such a tranquil, peaceful spot when it’s all cleaned up!

I felt like it needed a little Lola touch especially wiith all the white flowers adorning the backyard and even the “accidental” pink crepe myrtle that somehow ended up fitting perfectly. Then I found this little angel statue that fit just right in one of our potted plants.

That is my Lola always watching over us. Our guardian angel. For some reason, I picture her running through beautiful fields of white flowers with her friends in heaven. Maybe heaven is whatever we imagine to be the most beautiful and comforting place...

It felt like a perfect Mother’s Day touch.

I know Mother’s Day means so many different things to so many people, but it’s still not my favorite day. It’s a reminder of what it means to be a mother to the children we hold here on earth, the ones we hold in our hearts in heaven, and even of our own mothers who may no longer be with us.

Motherhood carries love in all its forms. It is joy, remembrance, and gratitude.

We love you, Lola!

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

200 Months

Today kind of  feels like a whirlwind, but here’s my little Lola reminder... "Don’t sweat the small stuff", even when it tries to sneak in. I was thinking  about the Magnolia trees on my walk this morning with their white blooms and their sweet smell that fills air when you pass by, and of course the butterflies just floating around without a care. It was a little bit of my reset today, my momtent of peace and Lola on the 16th. And somehow, today also marks the  200th month of writing in her blog. It feels like such a big number, but it has been my steady Lola moment every month since she passed. For that I am grateful. Especially for  the small stuff like this blog that connects and helps me to heal. Always loving and missing Lola Grace....

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

199 Months

Finley brought home a Lola penny just last week. He sweetly gave it to me to put with all my other Lola pennies. This one got extra clean! I found it at the bottom of the wash. Shiny and looking somewhat new again...

In a way, it reminds me of this journey of being a grieving parent. We try to clean up, to be better people, to shine brighter for our children in heaven. But our hearts are never completely renewed again. There will always be that missing piece,  the piece in heaven with Lola.

I often say you never know what someone is going through, so be gentle with your words and show compassion. In fact, my words to the boys each morning are simple, “Be kind.” Sometimes kindness can make someone’s entire day or week and we may never even know it.

And every little penny we find feels like a gentle reminder that Lola is still shining down on us and our  small sign to keep spreading kindness.

We love you, Lola!

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

198 Months

Sometimes I really can’t believe how fast the months (or even the days) go by. I feel like I blinked and Valentine’s Day was already here and gone.

Even though my boys aren’t little anymore, I still pull out all the decorations and the fun Valentine’s things from when they were. The I ♥ You placemats, the heart banner, the doilies… and yes, the pink rubber duckies everywhere because there always has to be lots of pink for Lola. 

Truthfully, I might love it more than they do now. But I always catch myself imagining what it would be like if Lola were here helping me with all the little things. She might even be at the age where she’d have her own Valentine!

This week we are spreading a little Valentine kindness and Lola love by treating a young lady to get her hair done for a special dance. Her family is living in hotels right now, and when I heard about the dress and shoes she wanted, I thought… I bet she’s never even been to a fancy salon before.

I can’t wait for her to have that moment and to feel special and maybe even a little like a princess. It’s such a simple thing, but sometimes the little things mean everything.

Thinking of how it would’ve been to get Lola’s hair done too....

Love,
A Mother of an Angel