It's Been Awhile...

Well, I am the first to admit I have been avoiding writing lately...maybe out of  anger or it just felt better to leave it for a bit. Not sure. Life goes on though, even if we would love to put it into "pause" or possibly rewind, even fast forward it at some point. I would like to rewind what happened with Lola, make it better, make sure she was still with us, pause the last moments we had with her and fast forward what we call our life right now. Now doesn't that sound great? But unfortuntely like the song from U2....we are "Stuck in a Moment and you can't get out of it."

From this same song, the lyrics read "you have got to get yourself together"...if that could happen that would be great, everyday life is unpreditcable, especially with the pain we are going through now. I can't speak for JP but I would guess he would say the same, this is the worst feeling and it comes back in full vegence everyday. Multiply whatever you feel for Lola times a hundrend and we carry around that sadness...you will never know or even begin to understand. Unfortuntely, there are people out there like us, in fact they are all over. Angel Moms and Dads.

Last week we met about 15 of them face to face...stories and sadness you could never imagine. Tears and lots of kleenex. I honestly remember shaking when it came up to our turn to talk about Lola, you know one of those moments when you want to hold it all together and it just never works. But tears are welcome with this group...I did learn a lot from this meeting and got lots of hugs, sincere hugs from people that have been there. I know that eventually it will be okay, in its own way. One gentleman took us aside as we were leaving and said it may only get better  by 1/100th of a percentage each year but  healing takes a long time.

I also learned that I will never be the same person again. I struggle with that a lot. I struggle with the fact that everything seems so empty, not right, never as it was before....when life was full of positive outlooks and dreams. An angel mom told I will be an even better person....that I only pray.

I also know and have always known I will never ever forget. How could I ever forget the face of that angel, Lola Grace... Never.

In this group we also talked alot about how we lie to you. Yes, you heard me right, we lie. Probably almost everyday. Anytime you call or send an email and say how are you????? The answer really is, devestated, angry, sad, feel like the world has collapsed on us, confused...BUT we'll always say good to you or fine. Why? To make you feel better, it just works I guess. So now you know the truth, probably why I have avoided writing or even conversations with friends for so long. Kind of like it would be an oxy moron to say "happy thanksgiving" to us, I am not sure the "happy" is there, so this year I just want to make it like everyother day, nothing special...just another old regular day.

I very much look forward to our next meeting with Compassionate Friends. Sometimes I just want to pinch myself, say wake up Kim...this could not possibly be your life! But it is, the reality of it all will never change, there is no rewind button. Now we are just trying to live our lives the best we can...praying for those days when there will be more happiness and promise.

Now your stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it....