We are back from our roadtrip to San Fran, Napa, and Lake Tahoe. To be honest, I really wasn't that excited about it in the first place, crazy I know, who doesn't get excited for a vacation and someone told me just make it your goal to go....and it turned out to be a very nice get away. Maybe too nice...
Jp and I ended up playing the whole tourist game in San Fransico and Napa, almost like we were in the real world again. The first day I made a decision to wear these pink shoes I had worn to one of her baby showers, I wanted to wear them for her...maybe like I felt she would be with us. Cute shoes BUT not the best walking shoes but for her it was worth it. Everytime I looked down I thought of her and that special day....
At the Golden Gate Bridge we saw Angel Island and took a snapshot of JP...have I ever told you now how much I love angels? Everytime I see them in the store I feel compelled to buy them, so it was nice to see Angel Island from a far.
In Napa we did a really nice winery tour, it was really beautiful but that could have been the wine in me speaking....as we left a song came on by Lola Perrin (not sure of the spelling), I had never heard of an artist by this name so I like to think she was just always with us.
Tahoe was gorgeous...the scenery is almost healing in its own way. It was such a peaceful spot, a great place to get lost in your thoughts. One morning there was the most wonderful rainbow, I swear to you it was from her again. JP thinks he even saw the end of the rainbow but no pot of gold! Somewhere over the rainbow....our troubles will melt like lemon drops.
I noticed on our roadtrip there were many moments of silence but it was okay. It was like we could almost breathe again for this short moment in time. Which leads me to so many new questions...like what is the next best step....what to do?
I guess like all good things...they come to an end. It was hard to come home, but I did miss my little Louie though...he is so precious to us both, not sure what we would do without him. But that is for a whole other blog....
On Jp's last day of vacation we also decided it was time to go back. Go back to the place in this world that has the worst memories. The hospital. Like I have said before, I would never go without JP, I may crumble into a million pieces without him. We called up one of our favorite nurses, Anne Marie...we met in the lobby of the birthing center. There we brought along 20 knit "lola" caps to donate to the nursery...and a thank you card for all our nurses. I looked out the window, praying for some courage, I wanted to keep it all together. Of course when I saw her,, that all went out the window. Tears just flowed uncontrollably...we talked for about a half hour or so. I probably ask the same questions over and over again. Then she told me that this same thing had occured 2 years ago on Christmas Day to a couple here that lost their baby boy....they have since gone on to have another child. BUT can you beleive it, in my same town somewhere there is a couple that has gone through the exact same thing, strange when your odds of getting it are .003%. I told her if she ever spoke to her to give her my number, she said she is very reluctant with communication, well I certainly don't blame her! Maybe someday we will speak...I pray that this will happen. To speak with someone or even email with other mothers that have experienced this is a pretty amazing thing, they just understand like no on else.
As we left the hospital, we hugged and she said to me Kim, this is the worst thing you will ever have to go through in life...maybe someday we will meet over happy circumstances. She also handed me the heart shaped plaque and mold of Lola's feet. You can see every little line in her toes, I sometimes trace my fingers over and over them. It also reads...
In our hearts forever...Lola Grace Doepke 08-16-09 7 lbs 7oz.
It is gorgeous. Maybe one of the most precious things I will ever have of hers besides her pictures. Everyday I will ask why....everyday I will tell her hello and how much I love her!
pink shoes for lola
angel island in the background
song by lola perrin came on
rainbow in tahoe
our family with the signature Lola caps
muuuah! I loved reading this, you are so inspirational!! i miss you and i love you so much!!
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