Life...There is no Map.

 I can gaurntee you that not one of you would want my life...trade places with me?  In fact I even told someone the other day, just be glad you don't have my life. You will never know...you can read my blogs, you can say you are so sorry that this happened to you but 20 seconds later you're onto the next thing. Lola's death consumes my life, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...I envy people that can just say sorry like I used to be able to do, maybe send a card but never feel the pain. You know I can picture it now, "oh what a shame they would say." They can be thankful that they have a healthy happy family, continue to live in their own "bubbled" life. You know the one where we never think nothing bad will happen to us, the one where everyone gets to bring home their healthy baby and onto the next day....

I believe it can't get any worse so at least we can't keep sinking...there is the positive end of it. Let me recap the last 5 months of my life....our child died, we just moved, we live in a rented house ( i miss my old house in san antonio), I am less than fond of the new city we live in for obvious reasons....would you like me to keep going because I know I can. I mean somedays I think I would just like to go back to something comforting...like a good pair of old shoes. They just fit. So why does nothing fit now??? Nothing is right and it feels like it never will be again. ( funny that I am using a shoe metaphor since i can hardly fit in any of my old shoes post pregnancy) I want someone to give me an answer....like in 35 days from now things will turn around, Breathe. Impossible I know. As they say, when it rains it pours.....and I wouldn't expect anything less than that now.

 I got an email from an old friend from college last weekend, her 4 month old baby had passed that morning, due to heart failure. She wanted to know how I cope...I could relate with every word she said. I was so sad for her, because if I did have a wish it would be that no one would ever have to go through this, I firmly believe it maybe the worst pain ever. I  never want anyone to have to say good by to their baby,kiss them on the forehead for the last time, never have to go the funeral home to pick up their child's ashes... I couldn't even tell her it would get better, because I don't know...What I do know is that we have to have hope.


I guess I'll close this blog with something I read the other day..

Those who gireve are those who love.
You can further honor your child by remembering fondly what she has meant to you and by living life fully aware that people matther more than things, and than every moment of our existence is a precious gift to be used wisely and well.....

So I think you should go do something crazy or fun after reading this for Lola...you know live life to its fullest.
Go outside and make a snow angel, go write her name in the sand, put your toes in the water, scream at the top of your lungs, listen to your favorite song and dance around the living room, go give someone you love the biggest hug, suprise them!, send someone a card out of the blue that you haven't talked to in a long time, run around the block, smell a flower, look for a house decorated in just white lights for Christmas (white lights are my favorite), jump on your bed, give a few coins to the bell ringers.....tell Lola hi when the sun beats on you face....love.