34 Months

Precious Moments...that is what I like to call them. The moment you can close your eyes and it makes you almost sigh. Try it, wondering what came to mind... Milo and I visit Lola's pink rose bush almost everyday- sunny days, rainy days, foggy days. Milo likes to see the "anl", let me translate, "angel." There is a little circular angel plaque buried by the roses, he must think it is pretty. I looked up into the sky one particular day, white fluffy clouds simmered through the sky, birds were singing and you could probably here the hum of the highway off in a distance. I said, "Hi Lola." I always do. Then Milo looked at me with his ever sweet endearing eyes and mimicks me..."hi lola." Smiles and waves. A precious moment. I think my heart melted a million times, thoughts zoomed in my head and tears clouded my eyes. I always think how much we miss her but then the thought that Milo never will have those big sister moments. It is unexplainable. So we make moments, Lola moments that is. When I close my eyes, I see Lola. She is in JP's arms, he is wearing a green polo sweatshirt and yellow t-shirt. She has stark white cap on adorned with a pink flower. She is wrapped in a blanket and her little floral kimono top peeks out from the top. Her eyes are closed, she is peaceful. But I'll still never understand...even though I feel some peace from that moment. I will never forget it, August 16, 2009. Keep precious moments in your back pocket, bring them out on a bad day. Close your eyes and bring peace your way. Or better yet, make a Lola moment. I look forward to the Lola moments we have with Milo. XOXOXOXO

33 Months

Happy Mother's Day. I remember my first mother's day. It was extremely hard. I was still a Mom but to many they couldn't see that. They don't see angels and neither do I. But I know Lola is with us. I think she is Milo's guardian angel.I think she is always saying to him, "just smile" and he does. He radiates pure joy. Last year we planted this simple pink rose bush in our backyard, it is adorned with a small angel plaque. On Saturday, the first two pink blooms were ready to be cut and displayed. As I walked down the stairs, there they were sitting on the counter with the sun shining in on them,a little sparkly glass vase.(thanks to my wonderful husband) How could you not smile. So do I beleive Lola is with us... Always. She sent me my mother's day flowers...2 pink roses from her bush. You can call me crazy but how do those things just happen...I will always look for signs. I am still learning and growing as mom on earth and mom to an angel. It's a strange balance. There is so much happiness and yet there is always a little "sting" in the day. Something that jabs at you, reminds you things are far from perfect...just like the thorn of a rose. So beautiful, but touch the rose in the wrong spot and a little- owie as milo calls it may appear. I am not sure I will ever be able to comprehend the thorn. I just will never understand. But somehow we learn to make peace with our lives and view the beauty in people and the moments we share with them. I guess we need to take time and SMELL THE ROSES. So happy mother's day to all the moms out there- I hope the next time you see a pink rose you will think of little Lola. Smile.

32 Months

4 letter words...go....

I was thinking about the things Milo and Lola have in common the other night. When Milo is peacefully resting, I see features of his sister in him. The face, the eyes and then a gentle kiss on his forehead reminds me of how blessed we are. Special children they are. Besides physically,they also both remind me of some other important 4 letter words...

LOVE
HOPE
PRAY

and the most important 4 letter words to us...

LOLA
MILO

The spare moments I have in the day, where I can allow my mind to wander always leads to Lola. I LOVE her. I HOPE one day we will meet again. I PRAY she is okay. It was so hard to walk away from the hospital 32 months ago, empty arms. Today we don't have the empty arms but the empty heart. That piece will always be with Lola. love*hope*pray

31 Months

I hear the rain beating against the windows. Actually that's all I hear. It is very still and silent at our house tonight. The rain at night I think is somewhat enjoyable, it is heavenly to sleep to. I often wonder if rain could be all the angels crying in heaven, they must miss us too...

Sometimes at night I lay awake wondering what life would be like if Lola was here, those are the nights you toss and turn and don't get much sleep, you still wonder where things went so wrong. Even though so much time has passed, the feelings don't and won't. I'm still sensitive about so many things with Lola. Our life is in many ways like a book. You really have to ask the questions or read the story to know about us, because there is so much more to us than a husband, wife, a darling son, Milo and a cute dog. That's what you see on the cover. On the inside their is an angel and her story created our life or what life is now without her. It's the little things like the stranger in the grocery store, asking is he your only child...the list goes on. The things that pierce your heart but you just smile and go on. Because that's life. That's our life. Not everyone will know our story. That's something you learn to accept as an angel mom.

I cherish the times when family and friends talk about Lola, "auntie" sara still tells me on the 16th she will remember and never forget. So Lola knows, she has a fan club here on earth...so this rain must be tears of joy. The rain is still tapping on the windows...


love you lola!!!

30 Months...

Calling on Angels...Lola Grace...

Milo has a book about angels, he brings it to me everyday to read to him. Maybe he is fasinated by the pictures or maybe he likes all the stories of angels. The book says to call on angels when you need them, do you need help...just ask! Seems pretty simple.

Our Angel Lola List:

Be with Great Grandma as she starts chemo today.-I am taking it that they scheduled it on the 16th to be a good sign, an angel is with her today. The 16th is always a special day. We need a miracle.

Help Milo to feel better from his cold- he sure is happy despite the sniffles

Give us lots of encouragement and hope today- let's concquer some DREAMS

Thanks for the sunshine today...smiling down on us?

Protect all of our loved ones

That is just today's list...it is differemt everyday. That's why we have gaurdian angels and God to turn too. No problem too big or too small.

Jp saw 2 rainbows in one day. My mom found 2 pennies yesterday. Our favorite angel signs.

call on your angel.

Love you Lola!

29 Months

The holiday season is offically over. Decorations are taken down, put away in anticiaption of next year. Sometimes it is the getting "excited" over things that is the best part...like the countdown until a good vacation, the start of your favorite tv show or even a birthday. There is such a hype. I guess we anticipate the things we love most...

There was a lot of anticipation for us this month. Lola's story arrived on newstands over the Monterey Peninsula the week of Jan.9. The thought of thousands of people reading her story brings tears to my eyes. I have always said and will say it until the day I die, that keeping Lola's memory alive is one of the most important things in my life. Part of the reason I blog on the 16th of each month. A time to sit and reflect, a time for little Lola. It takes only a few minutes to read "pennies from heaven" but can teach you life lessons in those few paragraphs.

1. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
2. Count your Blessings
3. Never stop dreaming
4. Love-LOVE-love
5. Cherish the time you have with your loved ones- family and friends are everything

I could keep going on and on with lessons Lola has taught me and our family. It was defintely an emotional process being interviewed, sharing your darkest hours with a stranger. But someone once told me that part of the grieiving process is to tell your story at least 100 times...well take that times 10 or more. So in a way this article was a blessing.

I am always proud and lucky to be Lola's mom. I will cherish the time we did have together and the opportuntiy to kiss her sweet forehead and tell her I love her. Face to face.

Life goes on...that is the hard part.

But we never forget.....so yes pennies from heaven are smiles from angels.
Especially the cute little angel with the flowered hat!!!

28 Months

It is almost Christmas...the tree is up. 42 glorious angels hang on our tree. The white lights sparkle in the night. The hints of gold shimmer and radiate during the day. It is a beautiful tree, Lola would love it.I look forward to new additions this year. Those are my favorite gifts, as well as Lola's!

Our nightly prayers and hellos to Lola are such an important part of my life and daily routine. It is that moment, that I truly believe we share together, every 365 days of the year. I will never forget.

The next couple months are going to be very exciting for us...Lola's story will be shared with thousands!!! I look forward to sharing more about our process, healing in a way. The final product I hope to be amazing.

Everytime a bell rings an angel gets their wings.....think of Lola the next time you hear one this Christmas season.

Love.

Lola's Mom