Lola...

"May you find comfort in knowing that LOVE was all our baby ever knew...."

Love you Lo!

dinner anyone???

I am late blogging today...actually i am sitting in the kitchen waiting for my lasagna and homemade garlic bread to finish. Want to come over for dinner? I think cooking with JP is one of my new favorite things, something to occupy the time, something that seems a little "normal" shall we call it. Someone told me today that we are in survival mode, very true, it actually makes a lot of sense. Just trying to survive everyday life and deal with the shock of loosing Lola. I wish life had a recipe...a little dash of happiness, a sprinkle of hope, an overflowing cup of love. Wouldn't it be great if your life always turned out the way you wanted it too, like that good family recipe...I guess I have burnt my fair share of cookies or probably screwed up a lasagna or two, heck sometimes I can't even make a good salad. Tonight I am going to pray for some of those ingredinents above in our lives and a little peace. No one can ever say every moment of their lives is complete happiness, so maybe if happiness isn't for us right now but peace would be okay for the day....

Love you all! Sweetest Dreams.......

Just another day....

Another day....just sad. Maybe that could become my blog everyday??? I struggle with the fact that things will never be the same again, that there will always be something missing in our lives........like there is the unknown of will there ever be happiness again? If you asked me today, the answer would be no........

Life has so many unknowns, like you never know when something is going to happen or be taken from you. Things or people that you would never expect....like children are supposed to out live their parents...not their parents grieving for their lost child. But then life is supposed to go on, you are supposed to figure out someway to deal with things that God has given you. Somehow you are expected to dig up courage and stength...and figure out where to find happiness again or where to find a dream????? In our house right now it is hard to find  those things...they are just missing, gone. When Lola left us, so did all those feelings. It is like she was taken with no warning, like there was never a chance to say good bye...and there is never a chance to get answers to the questions of why?

On my walk today...I found a nickel, not a penny but thought maybe Lola knew I needed 5X the love.....

Shine from the inside out?

http://www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site/view_shared?p=9c28850097e64ccd308123


Click On the Above.....

I was working on putting together a montage of pictures for Lola....from pregnancy on!
As Jp and I watched it last night, we cried.....talked about how happy we were then. Can you tell from our faces? I long to feel that kind of happiness again.... where you shine from the inside out. Everyone says, time..so I guess time will tell.  I just know if she could have stayed here on earth with all of us, that happiness would exsist and possibly be more abudant than even before. I hear moms say that having your child and watching them grow is a different kind of love and joy that you never had before...I know my love for her is beyound words but I miss those "joy" moments. I more find myself in tears longing for her to be with us. Life is hard, harder than I ever imagined. And right now it just seems like I am trying to just "float" through it....come up for air when needed but am sinking most of the time because we lost the most precious baby in the world to us.

I hope you enjoy this little video clip of pictures,, some pictures will remind you of better times.....

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

Missing Lola...

Oh my....I miss my Lola so much!

Somedays that is all I feel like I can say...everyday when I wake up in the morning my heart breaks in a million pieces. Just longing to look over and see her in her crib, instead when I look in her room ( I still call it Lola's room) I see her crib filled with items we have packed up. It no longer looks like a nursery but more like a baby "storage unit" There are a couple items I did leave out, 2 picture frames with pictures of her and her teddy bear. I know it sounds silly but sometimes I will just hold her little bear and cry. I just want to know why us, why lola? Don't ask me what we are going to do with everything, right now it just feels okay where it is. I wanted to give some baby products (medications, shampoos) to another couple here in CA that just had their baby...I know it is the right thing to do but I can't even bear to let go of those simple little things. I just don't ever want to let her go.....

Jp's parents came for a visit this weekend, it was really nice. I found myself thinking a lot about how things should have been with them...more like it should have been a visit with Lola, taking walks with her in the stroller, etc.  But that isn't our life and sometimes the reality of it is so hard for me to accept. I guess you dream up your life and how things will be...most girls dream the same things. You meet your prince charming, get married, buy a house with a white picket fence, get a dog, and start your family, having lots of children! Hmmmm...married prince charming, rented a house in keywest with a white picket fence?, got louie...and now the biggest part of the dream is gone, our family a dream Jp and I share together. Oh, I know people say but "you can have kids again" but that does not replace the child you lost, because Lola will always be our first child, our daughter, she's just an angel....I love my angel! I guess for me right now I am really struggling with it all...somedays are better than others but the sadness for her is always there. Oh how I love her....

Lola with her Grandpa Doepke!

Awareness....

I love angel moms....they understand your world like no one else in the world. I have another VP (vasa previa) mom who made this amazing video to help spread awareness to this rare disease. I had VP with valementous insertion/ a combination of them both. Some days I am so angry b/c I know if I would have been diagnosed Lola would still be here. So spread the word...people don't know about it and they should. You can help save a child's life....check out this link below. Becky (a vp angel mom) made this after her son passed, it is beautiful..I love to share things. I cried but thought if I had only seen this while I was pregnant, my world would be a totally different place.

http://www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site/view_shared?p=3d826ea8ff50edfe88553d&skin_id=701&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

click it..::)

Footprint....

So I have two reasons I need to return back to CHOMP- that is what they call it here...in other words the hospital. It actually stands for Community Hospital of Monterey Peninsula, for a hospital it very tranquil. I remember my first day out of bed (which believe me WAS soooo hard), JP wanted to show me the gardens area. He, myself and my Mother in Law (Liz)...went to the garden area. JP so patiently wheeled me around in the wheel chair....I remember that time so vividly...the wind and waterfalls......it was a short little trip. I was in so much pain but to breathe the fresh air and escape from the room for a couple moments was so refreshing!

Oh besides that there are so many memories there...mostly ones full of sadness. I have been working on building up enough courage to return back there, I'm just afraid it will end in tears, which I am sure it will. One thing I have to do is pick up Lola's footprint, they made a mold of it for me....ohhhhh I can't wait to see it. She had really long feet, they were cute though! (everything about her was cute- but that is the mom in me)

I also have to bring about 20 caps my grandmother made for the hospital in honor of Lola to donate..I am sure you have see the pictures of her with the cute little cap with the pink flower....she made those. Most of the ones she made for the hospital, have the same flowers, like a signature Lola look! It is really neat she did that, I can't wait to give them to the nursery. I have sent one of them to another angel mom who is expecting her baby next Monday....she says the cap is a blessing. I always think Lola would have wanted me to send it her way...

Oh but it is a journey JP and I will have to take together...one of these days it will just feel right! I for sure know that I will need him to be holding my hand, giving me that extra strength. I am not sure what I would do without him, he is my rock. Sometimes at night I will just look at him and think of Lola...they have so many similar features.....

I will let you know when I make it there...^i^