Today is a special day....the 16th. Today marks the day of 15 months for Lola and 2 weeks for her little brother Milo. Today I closed my eyes and imagined having the two of them here together, what a dream....!
In the hospital a couple weeks ago, it was nice to visit and have some of the same nurses as Lola. There were some I remembered and some I did not, but if they were part of her battle and shared our grief on that day...they let us know, almost saying, "we were there....we still care." Her picture sat on the window in a frame labeled angels...I loved when people would pick it up and look at her. We were celebrating such a blessed time with Milo but also remembering that our family is always a family of 5. Nothing will ever change that and though we can't hold Lola in our arms, we always hold in our thoughts and hearts.
Milo and I pray everyday together...well I do the praying outloud for now!
Dear Lord in Heaven,
Thank you for this day.
Please be with my big sister Lola in heaven, tell her we miss her and love her.
Please be with my dad to be healthy and happy.
Please be with my mom so she can be the best mom she can be.
Please be with my grandparents, family and all my friends...
in your name we pray.
Amen
I know Lola hears our prayers and feels our love...I also know 2 weeks ago the angels were all cheering, she made sure of it! She is a big sister angel!
She just is part of our everyday life and no matter how much things change...she is always our little girl, our angel up above and one of the loves of our lives.
"I'll find you in the morning sun and when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon but I'll be seeing you....."
Happy day Lola!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Big Sister....
Lola has taught me so much in life...she has changed our lives.
She has made me appreciate the small things, give with all our hearts, and to be kind and patient with others...and that everyday is a gift from God.
She has also taught me to dream a little dream and no matter what to always keep the faith.
So as our lives change daily, I always know my little girl is smiling down from heaven, it is a great to have an angel by my side always.
I don't know what the future will bring but tommorow is a day I know that Lola will be with us.
In my heart, I know she is so excited to be a big sister and overjoyed! She sent me those pennies, I just know it!
We love you Lola, always my baby girl and firstborn child.
She has made me appreciate the small things, give with all our hearts, and to be kind and patient with others...and that everyday is a gift from God.
She has also taught me to dream a little dream and no matter what to always keep the faith.
So as our lives change daily, I always know my little girl is smiling down from heaven, it is a great to have an angel by my side always.
I don't know what the future will bring but tommorow is a day I know that Lola will be with us.
In my heart, I know she is so excited to be a big sister and overjoyed! She sent me those pennies, I just know it!
We love you Lola, always my baby girl and firstborn child.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
14 Months to Lola
Hard to believe 14 months has gone by...
The last couple days I have found my mind wandering...sitting, thinking...wondering if Lola were with us what she would look like, what fun little behaviors and quirks she would have. My imagination revolving around if she were here. It is hard to say outloud and just as hard to write.
I often think people may look at JP and I and think we are moving on, in fact if you just met us over the course of the last couple months you may not even know our Lola or her story. The thing is, I don't think you ever move on. Sure you learn to deal with everyday life and tasks, go with the motions. But still something is never right, something is always missing, something is just never 100%.....it's Lola. So waking up in the morning to say hello to her is sad and happy all over again...
Yesterday was the Wave of Light, our candles blazed bright for that hour. Actually our house was completely dark and quiet, except her little light.
I thank those that also did this for her, it means so much to JP and I. Any little way we can keep her memory alive. I am sure she was with us all.
Happy 14 Months Miss Lola!
The last couple days I have found my mind wandering...sitting, thinking...wondering if Lola were with us what she would look like, what fun little behaviors and quirks she would have. My imagination revolving around if she were here. It is hard to say outloud and just as hard to write.
I often think people may look at JP and I and think we are moving on, in fact if you just met us over the course of the last couple months you may not even know our Lola or her story. The thing is, I don't think you ever move on. Sure you learn to deal with everyday life and tasks, go with the motions. But still something is never right, something is always missing, something is just never 100%.....it's Lola. So waking up in the morning to say hello to her is sad and happy all over again...
Yesterday was the Wave of Light, our candles blazed bright for that hour. Actually our house was completely dark and quiet, except her little light.
I thank those that also did this for her, it means so much to JP and I. Any little way we can keep her memory alive. I am sure she was with us all.
Happy 14 Months Miss Lola!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
13 Months....
I have waited up until the last moment today to write this and I just could not go without saying something special on her day. Because the 16th is always Lola's day :) The first thing I noticed about this day was the butterflies...we don't see many here at our new house and this morning I was leaving there a beautiful monarch flying in our front trees..the colors were so vibrant and the sun shining down, it was such a nice moment, the kind that make you stop and stare at the sky and say thanks Lola. I love those times, they mean the world to me...
I guess Lola makes you stop and appreciate the little things, like the sky is always a little bluer, telling your friends and family you love them and squeeze them a little tighter when you see them and when that sunshine beats down on you, a smile from heaven.
To a beautiful angel............
love always-
I guess Lola makes you stop and appreciate the little things, like the sky is always a little bluer, telling your friends and family you love them and squeeze them a little tighter when you see them and when that sunshine beats down on you, a smile from heaven.
To a beautiful angel............
love always-
Monday, August 16, 2010
Lola's 1st Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy Birthday Lola....Monday, August 16 2010.
When Someone Comes into our lives...
and they are too quietly and quickly gone,
they leave footprints on our hearts...
and their memory stays with us forever.
I am sittng here on Lola's most special day wondering what would be the perfect thing to write on today's blog or the perfect letter to her that would sum up this year. Maybe the quote above speaks for itself, her memory forever is with us and our lives are inscripted with "lola" written all over our hearts. I am watching her candle burn in front of me, it is beautiful and there were so many beautiful things about her today. The memories, the tears, the embraces, the prayers, the thoughtfulness that is Lola. Now I must say I can only imagine birthdays are the best in heaven...I even asked our pastor what he thought of that, he agreed. So somewhere in this day I hope you found her, whether it be in the first glowing star of the night, the sun beating down on your face, the waves crashing into the shore or the simple smile of a stranger. That is what makes JP and I happy, is forever knowing that her memory is alive.
Today is celebrating Lola Grace Doepke Day....a birthday of a beautiful angel, a loving daughter, wonderful granddaughter and inspiration to many.
Life is not measured my the number of breaths we take but the moments that take our breath away....everyday morning when I look at her picture I feel that way.
We Love you Lola! Happy 1st Birthday!
Love,
Mom and Dad ( louie too!)
When Someone Comes into our lives...
and they are too quietly and quickly gone,
they leave footprints on our hearts...
and their memory stays with us forever.
I am sittng here on Lola's most special day wondering what would be the perfect thing to write on today's blog or the perfect letter to her that would sum up this year. Maybe the quote above speaks for itself, her memory forever is with us and our lives are inscripted with "lola" written all over our hearts. I am watching her candle burn in front of me, it is beautiful and there were so many beautiful things about her today. The memories, the tears, the embraces, the prayers, the thoughtfulness that is Lola. Now I must say I can only imagine birthdays are the best in heaven...I even asked our pastor what he thought of that, he agreed. So somewhere in this day I hope you found her, whether it be in the first glowing star of the night, the sun beating down on your face, the waves crashing into the shore or the simple smile of a stranger. That is what makes JP and I happy, is forever knowing that her memory is alive.
Today is celebrating Lola Grace Doepke Day....a birthday of a beautiful angel, a loving daughter, wonderful granddaughter and inspiration to many.
Life is not measured my the number of breaths we take but the moments that take our breath away....everyday morning when I look at her picture I feel that way.
We Love you Lola! Happy 1st Birthday!
Love,
Mom and Dad ( louie too!)
Friday, July 16, 2010
11 months...
I have noticed a pattern. My blogs are becoming labeled by the months of Lola's age. I think about her constantly, everything we do seems to reflect a memory of her...we maybe in a different spot than we were 11 months ago, but JP and I always talk about how she is our daughter, part of our family. Someday when our family grows, she will always be included in that number...I oftern think I need to be braver, a little more corouage would do. I remember being in the hospital one night, not being able to sleep and all seems quiet around you...maybe beside the hustle of a nurse's footstep or an iv machine pumping. I know in my head, I was thinking this could not be happening, I will never survive this...though I was surrounded by beautiful bouquets of flowers, cards, a loving husband trying to get some sleep...it maybe the most alone I have ever felt. The feeling where for months and months you planned to bring home this little girl, the car seat awaited for her in the car in the parking lot but you are left with empty arms and a broken heart. That may have been my moment where it finally hit me....
People will always say, "that is not the way it is supposed to be." It never is....
I think Lola still hits me everyday....looking at her picture on my nightstand, sitting in her chair, staring at her footprints. All these things around mt house are to keep her memory alive. Which I will do, everyday.
I think God has given me some great signs that she is okay. On our recent trip to Santa Barbara JP found a penny as were stopping at Starbucks for a little treat....almost like she is saying, "hey guys, i'm here!"
We were also able to donate the Volvo to the Monterey Compassion Pregnancy Center, maybe that money will help a young mother decide she wants to keep her baby...maybe Lola can help save a life.
For the past couple months I have already been trying to figure out what to do next month....can I sleep in my own house that night,how to honor her, how to spend her day. Being angel mommies and daddies is not the easiest thing....
So for Lola....as my aunt would say.
Live
Our
Lives
Abudantly
Happy Angelversary Baby Girl!
People will always say, "that is not the way it is supposed to be." It never is....
I think Lola still hits me everyday....looking at her picture on my nightstand, sitting in her chair, staring at her footprints. All these things around mt house are to keep her memory alive. Which I will do, everyday.
I think God has given me some great signs that she is okay. On our recent trip to Santa Barbara JP found a penny as were stopping at Starbucks for a little treat....almost like she is saying, "hey guys, i'm here!"
We were also able to donate the Volvo to the Monterey Compassion Pregnancy Center, maybe that money will help a young mother decide she wants to keep her baby...maybe Lola can help save a life.
For the past couple months I have already been trying to figure out what to do next month....can I sleep in my own house that night,how to honor her, how to spend her day. Being angel mommies and daddies is not the easiest thing....
So for Lola....as my aunt would say.
Live
Our
Lives
Abudantly
Happy Angelversary Baby Girl!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
10 Months for an angel!
These are the days when I feel I can set everything aside...escape in my own world and look over Lola's pictures a million times. I always let my imagination wander, what would she look like now, what would be going on in our lives....what would be her newest tricks. I dream of those things and moments our family is missing.
I see babies around her age and wonder often what happened that things went so wrong for us, like there isn't always a million questions and what ifs constantly floating around in my head already. I think that is the way life will be for me personally, not a day goes by where i don't think of her or can break into tears in a moments notice. I guess that probably defines what a lot of angel parents go through daily....at any age or time. The feeling never goes away.....
We defintely do things at our own pace, last night I put together most of Lola's book. For months and months, I stared at it...probably making excuses. Last night I just had to do it, I cried the whole way through...every picture, everything she touched.....at a point I just had to put it away but not without 2 looks before I could go even go to bed. Running your fingers across the pictures, trying to smile at a memory when you can literally taste your tears. So a work in progress.....not to be rushed.
I don't write in here often enough, I seem to reflect everyday on what path our lives have taken. The Good and the bad.
I received these awesome pink fuzzy slippers from JP, Louie and Lola for Mother's Day. They are the warmest most comfortable slippers.....I wear them around the house all the time. It had a sweet card filled with butterflies, it was really special. I think she gave her Dad a great idea.....now everytime I slip on those fuzzy slips I think of her and my first Mother's Day. Still a Mom no matter what....just maybe a more special one. And the same for JP this upcoming Father's Day....
Our lives are full of Love and I think it only radiates from heaven when the sun shines down.
So as always, today is Lola's day!!!!
I see babies around her age and wonder often what happened that things went so wrong for us, like there isn't always a million questions and what ifs constantly floating around in my head already. I think that is the way life will be for me personally, not a day goes by where i don't think of her or can break into tears in a moments notice. I guess that probably defines what a lot of angel parents go through daily....at any age or time. The feeling never goes away.....
We defintely do things at our own pace, last night I put together most of Lola's book. For months and months, I stared at it...probably making excuses. Last night I just had to do it, I cried the whole way through...every picture, everything she touched.....at a point I just had to put it away but not without 2 looks before I could go even go to bed. Running your fingers across the pictures, trying to smile at a memory when you can literally taste your tears. So a work in progress.....not to be rushed.
I don't write in here often enough, I seem to reflect everyday on what path our lives have taken. The Good and the bad.
I received these awesome pink fuzzy slippers from JP, Louie and Lola for Mother's Day. They are the warmest most comfortable slippers.....I wear them around the house all the time. It had a sweet card filled with butterflies, it was really special. I think she gave her Dad a great idea.....now everytime I slip on those fuzzy slips I think of her and my first Mother's Day. Still a Mom no matter what....just maybe a more special one. And the same for JP this upcoming Father's Day....
Our lives are full of Love and I think it only radiates from heaven when the sun shines down.
So as always, today is Lola's day!!!!
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