Just typing that, it seems like 17 is such a big number but 17 months is just a small fraction of a babies life. Could you imagine where we would be with Lola at that point? Pigtails, Dolls, and Lolipops...that would be my guess. I bet heavenly angels have all those things and more! And here we are 17 months later, amazing how your life changes and no matter how blessed we feel, I can honestly say that not a day goes by where there are not tears in my eyes for Lola or just a sad face accompianed with that "lump" in your throat. That sadness just never fades away.
As I talk about numbers, here we are in a new year, its 2011. I thought about the past years....
2009-2010-year of healing
2010 (the end) - year of hope
2011-year of moving ahead
We did have some amazing Lola moments, as I like to call them that ended and started the new year. To good not to share, ones that make you smile when you think of them and stay with you in a good way. Those are great LOLA days.
Our angel tree (new name for our christmas tree) was so beautiful this year and we love the angel ornament gifts we receive. They are my favorite presents, filled with love and light. I carefully chose our Lola ornament this year, a little angel with sparkling gold on it!!! I then recieved the SAME EXACT angel from my best friend back in Wisconsin...I thought what are the chances of that happening. It was so special and I thought how neat every year when we unpack those 2 identical angels I will always think of that special moment. I also received an angel from my Grandparents, that said " Everytime a Bell rings an angel gets its wings."
What a Christmas classic and I do think of Lola everytime I hear a bell duing the holiday season. On Christmas Eve we opened our presents, and here again was this SAME angel wrapped up from my Dad. I don't think I spoke for a moment, I was so taken back. I knew Lola had sent us a Christmas message of Love, it just made me feel like for that one moment she was truly with us, she had it all planned. I don't think this could ever happen again or would I have ever dreamed it, kind of like a Christmas miracle.
Lola Moment Number 2.....
We were at Milo's 2 month check up appointment, when our pediatricain...Dr. Jill stopped and said....can I ask you something personal??? I remember thinking, what am I doing wrong.....and she proceeded by asking how it is with Milo after losing a child? I remember thinking for a moment, possibly more grateful, more cautious, more worried. Jp chimed in by saying now he feels he can breath again, like Milo will be okay. She then went on to say that 3 years ago on Christmas day a family here in Monterey lost their child to vasa previa and velementous insertion. I had heard of the story from a nurse in the hospital when we donated lola caps for the nursery....She went on to say that it is so rare and they cannot believe they have had 2 cases of it here. They were discussing our cases recently and she wanted to tell us, that they also go to the same pediatric office and have gone on to have 2 children. She thought maybe we could talk and she was going to pass on my information to their Dr. For a moment, I thought how crazy it was that out of all the pediatric doctors to choose from, we chose the same practice for our other children. So I hope she may call or email....but I know how painful it can be. After this appointment I think I cried for 2 days in a row. It is okay though, I like when people mention her name and want to hear her story. Milo that day received his shots. Dr. Jill carefully placed a butterfly bandage on one and a racetrack bandage on the other....a butterfly I thought, that is the symbol of infant death. Oh Lola! Then we got in the car to head home and as the radio came on, it hummed the song of a Wonderful World. Lola's Song.....these are the beautiful moments.
Angels speak to us, they really do!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Thursday, December 16, 2010
16 on 16...
The 16th of December.....16 months today for Lola. The holiday season always seems to quickly approach us, I sit and wonder where did the summer go and here we are mid way into December or as most people look at it, 9 days until Christmas. Our tree is up for Lola, we started with 31 angels this year and had a few added to our collection thanks to many! I noticed today as you look into our house window from the front you can see one bright white angel almost glistening back at you. Stops and makes you smile.....so much to be thankful for, but still so much missing.
We had our Lola moment this month where we all seemed to be cuddled up in bed, I am sure it was before 6am, bright and early! It was really cozy, you can't help but smile at Milo and Louie is such a goof but right between JP and I, there was just a little empty spot. It looked like it was meant for this little girl to perfectly snuggle in and watch cartoons for a bit....it brings tears to eye. I guess in a perfect world, that would be my perfect family and perfect day. We can only dream, that would be the best Christmas wish. Guess we can't put everything on our lists...but JP chimed in right away, We Love you Lola. You can still talk with angels, even though we can't hold them in our arms...
JP found 2 pennies this month, he leaves them all over...sometimes he forgets to mention them to me, until I stumble upon that copper round circle. One was my her angel on our dresser and the other on my nightstand next to her picture. Those are still the best "hellos!"
The true meaning of this season is giving and I love that is what Lola has really taught us, life lesson number 101 from her.
Christmas time you see angels just about everywhere...on the tree, in the store for sale, a decoration in someone's yard or even a Christmas card. I hope each angel makes you think of Lola Grace, maybe her way of saying Merry Christmas to all ofus! I guess that has become one of my favorite parts of the holidays, Angels...
Thank you for remembering Lola, Merry Christmas to you all!
Kim
Mother of an Angel and Mommy to Milo
We had our Lola moment this month where we all seemed to be cuddled up in bed, I am sure it was before 6am, bright and early! It was really cozy, you can't help but smile at Milo and Louie is such a goof but right between JP and I, there was just a little empty spot. It looked like it was meant for this little girl to perfectly snuggle in and watch cartoons for a bit....it brings tears to eye. I guess in a perfect world, that would be my perfect family and perfect day. We can only dream, that would be the best Christmas wish. Guess we can't put everything on our lists...but JP chimed in right away, We Love you Lola. You can still talk with angels, even though we can't hold them in our arms...
JP found 2 pennies this month, he leaves them all over...sometimes he forgets to mention them to me, until I stumble upon that copper round circle. One was my her angel on our dresser and the other on my nightstand next to her picture. Those are still the best "hellos!"
The true meaning of this season is giving and I love that is what Lola has really taught us, life lesson number 101 from her.
Christmas time you see angels just about everywhere...on the tree, in the store for sale, a decoration in someone's yard or even a Christmas card. I hope each angel makes you think of Lola Grace, maybe her way of saying Merry Christmas to all ofus! I guess that has become one of my favorite parts of the holidays, Angels...
Thank you for remembering Lola, Merry Christmas to you all!
Kim
Mother of an Angel and Mommy to Milo
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
A Special Day...
Today is a special day....the 16th. Today marks the day of 15 months for Lola and 2 weeks for her little brother Milo. Today I closed my eyes and imagined having the two of them here together, what a dream....!
In the hospital a couple weeks ago, it was nice to visit and have some of the same nurses as Lola. There were some I remembered and some I did not, but if they were part of her battle and shared our grief on that day...they let us know, almost saying, "we were there....we still care." Her picture sat on the window in a frame labeled angels...I loved when people would pick it up and look at her. We were celebrating such a blessed time with Milo but also remembering that our family is always a family of 5. Nothing will ever change that and though we can't hold Lola in our arms, we always hold in our thoughts and hearts.
Milo and I pray everyday together...well I do the praying outloud for now!
Dear Lord in Heaven,
Thank you for this day.
Please be with my big sister Lola in heaven, tell her we miss her and love her.
Please be with my dad to be healthy and happy.
Please be with my mom so she can be the best mom she can be.
Please be with my grandparents, family and all my friends...
in your name we pray.
Amen
I know Lola hears our prayers and feels our love...I also know 2 weeks ago the angels were all cheering, she made sure of it! She is a big sister angel!
She just is part of our everyday life and no matter how much things change...she is always our little girl, our angel up above and one of the loves of our lives.
"I'll find you in the morning sun and when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon but I'll be seeing you....."
Happy day Lola!
In the hospital a couple weeks ago, it was nice to visit and have some of the same nurses as Lola. There were some I remembered and some I did not, but if they were part of her battle and shared our grief on that day...they let us know, almost saying, "we were there....we still care." Her picture sat on the window in a frame labeled angels...I loved when people would pick it up and look at her. We were celebrating such a blessed time with Milo but also remembering that our family is always a family of 5. Nothing will ever change that and though we can't hold Lola in our arms, we always hold in our thoughts and hearts.
Milo and I pray everyday together...well I do the praying outloud for now!
Dear Lord in Heaven,
Thank you for this day.
Please be with my big sister Lola in heaven, tell her we miss her and love her.
Please be with my dad to be healthy and happy.
Please be with my mom so she can be the best mom she can be.
Please be with my grandparents, family and all my friends...
in your name we pray.
Amen
I know Lola hears our prayers and feels our love...I also know 2 weeks ago the angels were all cheering, she made sure of it! She is a big sister angel!
She just is part of our everyday life and no matter how much things change...she is always our little girl, our angel up above and one of the loves of our lives.
"I'll find you in the morning sun and when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon but I'll be seeing you....."
Happy day Lola!
Monday, November 1, 2010
Big Sister....
Lola has taught me so much in life...she has changed our lives.
She has made me appreciate the small things, give with all our hearts, and to be kind and patient with others...and that everyday is a gift from God.
She has also taught me to dream a little dream and no matter what to always keep the faith.
So as our lives change daily, I always know my little girl is smiling down from heaven, it is a great to have an angel by my side always.
I don't know what the future will bring but tommorow is a day I know that Lola will be with us.
In my heart, I know she is so excited to be a big sister and overjoyed! She sent me those pennies, I just know it!
We love you Lola, always my baby girl and firstborn child.
She has made me appreciate the small things, give with all our hearts, and to be kind and patient with others...and that everyday is a gift from God.
She has also taught me to dream a little dream and no matter what to always keep the faith.
So as our lives change daily, I always know my little girl is smiling down from heaven, it is a great to have an angel by my side always.
I don't know what the future will bring but tommorow is a day I know that Lola will be with us.
In my heart, I know she is so excited to be a big sister and overjoyed! She sent me those pennies, I just know it!
We love you Lola, always my baby girl and firstborn child.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
14 Months to Lola
Hard to believe 14 months has gone by...
The last couple days I have found my mind wandering...sitting, thinking...wondering if Lola were with us what she would look like, what fun little behaviors and quirks she would have. My imagination revolving around if she were here. It is hard to say outloud and just as hard to write.
I often think people may look at JP and I and think we are moving on, in fact if you just met us over the course of the last couple months you may not even know our Lola or her story. The thing is, I don't think you ever move on. Sure you learn to deal with everyday life and tasks, go with the motions. But still something is never right, something is always missing, something is just never 100%.....it's Lola. So waking up in the morning to say hello to her is sad and happy all over again...
Yesterday was the Wave of Light, our candles blazed bright for that hour. Actually our house was completely dark and quiet, except her little light.
I thank those that also did this for her, it means so much to JP and I. Any little way we can keep her memory alive. I am sure she was with us all.
Happy 14 Months Miss Lola!
The last couple days I have found my mind wandering...sitting, thinking...wondering if Lola were with us what she would look like, what fun little behaviors and quirks she would have. My imagination revolving around if she were here. It is hard to say outloud and just as hard to write.
I often think people may look at JP and I and think we are moving on, in fact if you just met us over the course of the last couple months you may not even know our Lola or her story. The thing is, I don't think you ever move on. Sure you learn to deal with everyday life and tasks, go with the motions. But still something is never right, something is always missing, something is just never 100%.....it's Lola. So waking up in the morning to say hello to her is sad and happy all over again...
Yesterday was the Wave of Light, our candles blazed bright for that hour. Actually our house was completely dark and quiet, except her little light.
I thank those that also did this for her, it means so much to JP and I. Any little way we can keep her memory alive. I am sure she was with us all.
Happy 14 Months Miss Lola!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
13 Months....
I have waited up until the last moment today to write this and I just could not go without saying something special on her day. Because the 16th is always Lola's day :) The first thing I noticed about this day was the butterflies...we don't see many here at our new house and this morning I was leaving there a beautiful monarch flying in our front trees..the colors were so vibrant and the sun shining down, it was such a nice moment, the kind that make you stop and stare at the sky and say thanks Lola. I love those times, they mean the world to me...
I guess Lola makes you stop and appreciate the little things, like the sky is always a little bluer, telling your friends and family you love them and squeeze them a little tighter when you see them and when that sunshine beats down on you, a smile from heaven.
To a beautiful angel............
love always-
I guess Lola makes you stop and appreciate the little things, like the sky is always a little bluer, telling your friends and family you love them and squeeze them a little tighter when you see them and when that sunshine beats down on you, a smile from heaven.
To a beautiful angel............
love always-
Monday, August 16, 2010
Lola's 1st Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy Birthday Lola....Monday, August 16 2010.
When Someone Comes into our lives...
and they are too quietly and quickly gone,
they leave footprints on our hearts...
and their memory stays with us forever.
I am sittng here on Lola's most special day wondering what would be the perfect thing to write on today's blog or the perfect letter to her that would sum up this year. Maybe the quote above speaks for itself, her memory forever is with us and our lives are inscripted with "lola" written all over our hearts. I am watching her candle burn in front of me, it is beautiful and there were so many beautiful things about her today. The memories, the tears, the embraces, the prayers, the thoughtfulness that is Lola. Now I must say I can only imagine birthdays are the best in heaven...I even asked our pastor what he thought of that, he agreed. So somewhere in this day I hope you found her, whether it be in the first glowing star of the night, the sun beating down on your face, the waves crashing into the shore or the simple smile of a stranger. That is what makes JP and I happy, is forever knowing that her memory is alive.
Today is celebrating Lola Grace Doepke Day....a birthday of a beautiful angel, a loving daughter, wonderful granddaughter and inspiration to many.
Life is not measured my the number of breaths we take but the moments that take our breath away....everyday morning when I look at her picture I feel that way.
We Love you Lola! Happy 1st Birthday!
Love,
Mom and Dad ( louie too!)
When Someone Comes into our lives...
and they are too quietly and quickly gone,
they leave footprints on our hearts...
and their memory stays with us forever.
I am sittng here on Lola's most special day wondering what would be the perfect thing to write on today's blog or the perfect letter to her that would sum up this year. Maybe the quote above speaks for itself, her memory forever is with us and our lives are inscripted with "lola" written all over our hearts. I am watching her candle burn in front of me, it is beautiful and there were so many beautiful things about her today. The memories, the tears, the embraces, the prayers, the thoughtfulness that is Lola. Now I must say I can only imagine birthdays are the best in heaven...I even asked our pastor what he thought of that, he agreed. So somewhere in this day I hope you found her, whether it be in the first glowing star of the night, the sun beating down on your face, the waves crashing into the shore or the simple smile of a stranger. That is what makes JP and I happy, is forever knowing that her memory is alive.
Today is celebrating Lola Grace Doepke Day....a birthday of a beautiful angel, a loving daughter, wonderful granddaughter and inspiration to many.
Life is not measured my the number of breaths we take but the moments that take our breath away....everyday morning when I look at her picture I feel that way.
We Love you Lola! Happy 1st Birthday!
Love,
Mom and Dad ( louie too!)
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