109 Months

As I walked around cleaning up around our bedroom today I noticed all my Lola treasures. Her picture next to her brothers, my healing ocean spot in PG on the wall, her silver urn, and of course our penny collection. It’s comforting to have those items near by and always close to my heart. Our lives get so busy and hectic, I honestly don’t feel like I get the chance to sit down until it’s alresdy the end of the day... but that’s okay! As I sit here tonight, the calm and quietness all around me gives me the chance to reflect on Lola’s day and take a long look again at all of her treasures. I’m always missing her....and thankful I can have these things to give my heart a little Lola dose everyday.

Love,
-the Mother of an Angel-

108 Months

For the past nine years we have established so many traditions on Lola’s birthday. Today is the day we would have celebrated her ninth birthday. There are too many things we have missed to count or even to write about. Today was the day we were supposed to do our annual Lola birthday balloons, rose, and birthday letter. It’s just what we do every year, so when we couldn’t do the balloons all together, and threw the rose in the ocean as fast as we could. It felt like  our Lola tradition were broken. There are so many peaceful moments we have spent over the years at the ocean on her birthday and just sat watching the sun glisten on the waves. Here is where we would throw our rose in and let the balloons soar to the heavens. Whether we were in Carmel, Key West or Siesta Key, we always had our water spot.  So on a side note, the red tide is so bad at our beaches that our bodies could hardly function being there today and so ended our day at the beach.

When we got in the car I felt disappointed, teary and that we had ruined her tradition. It made me stop and think how things don’t always go the way we have planned or dreamed....just like with Lola. We had plans to raise our baby girl, bring her home, watch her grow....it didn’t happen that way. Her birthday balloons may not have made it out today and the ocean was far from peaceful and serene but in the grand scheme of things, I know it doesn’t matter. I know she knows we love her. We miss her and somehow we will get those balloons out as a family.

We still planned our donation and purchased a fence picket for Lola at children’s park being developed in Sheboygan. It is being made for handicapped children, and I couldn’t think of a better birthday gift for her this year.

With Lola’s special day coming to close, I know she was loved and is loved dearly. She is remembered and not forgotten. So until we meet again...happy birthday in heaven.

We love you Lola!

Love-
The Mother of an Angel

107 Months

A week ago a “memory” came up on my Facebook account....nine years ago we must have been looking for place to live in Carmel. I recall it not being the easiest house hunt but I must have replied to someone how stressed I felt with the baby (Lola) on the way and wanted to be settled. I think that’s the typical feeling of  a 8.5 month pregnant lady! Now when I read that comment, I just had to laugh at myself because it was so minute in the grand scheme of things. Lola could have come to her first home being a Hyatt hotel and it wouldn’t have  mattered. Lola never got to come home with us from the hospital so her nursery or anything wasn’t really important. Sometimes stress and worry just consume us and for all the wrong reasons....I wish I could have had a little more time enjoying the end of my pregnancy with Lola. We did end up finding a place to live in Pacific Grove, two blocks from the ocean and it ended up being my healing spot. Walking and sitting on the same bench everyday for months...it doesn’t matter where you live, what house you live in, it just matters that you are with the people you love and make you happy.

Love you Lola!
The Mother of an Angel

106 Months

It seemed like it had been awhile since  our family had found any pennies from heaven.

I remember looking up at the bright blue sky and saying to myself, “Lola, just one penny please.”

We never found one that day or the next or even the day after that! I came across the saying “life is like a rollercoaster, it is full of ups and downs.” It couldn’t be more true...and a few days later we finally found a penny at the entrance of Epcot. Then  JP found a penny at the airport in Puerto Rico and Finley found a penny at the grocery store the next day. All in a weeks time, my heart was full. 

It’s still comforting to find them and believe for some reason it was there for you to stumble upon...

Thank you Lola!

Love, 

The Mother of an Angel 

105 Months

Lola’s teddy bear has become one of Finely’s favorites. He has gone to show and tell, sleeps in his bed, and  somehow mysterously makes it to my room every morning. It is pretty cute!

It seems like not long ago I was putting that bear on Lola’s baby registry. I remember receiving it as a gift and placing it in the corner of her crib. It is a very snuggly brown bear....I know I sat holding it after coming home from hospital, shedding tears all over him.

Lola would have loved this brown bear and would have enjoyed passing it down to Finley even more. It is neat to see that memory live on, and for Finley to make new memories with it. The Lola Bear.

We love and miss you Lola-

Your Mom

104 Months

Faith to light the darkened sky.
Strength to carry on.
Love to touch and heal the soul,
Hope to grace the dawn.


I wonder how many people have read this plaque in the last five and a half years...I left it at a church in Carmel when we moved, the day of Lola’s third birthday. We had gotten it as a gift after she passed and it sat next to our pink rose tree in the backyard. When we left, I felt like it belonged at that church. It was a Lola memory. We used to frequent there often to remember Lola and continue on our search for peace in our lives. It was a beautiful and special place. The old church building, the ocean views, the bells ringing, the sounds of the nuns chanting and the gardens filled with beautiful flowers and butterflies. I have never found so much peace in one place, even the creek of the heavy door as you opened it to enter the sanctuary, was in fact magical.

I am happy to report that this plaque is still there....many years later.  JP’s parents went to visit the church this last weekend on their California adventure and shared pictures with us.

So my hope is someone read it when they needed it the most in their lives.
Maybe on a day when they could have used a little extra hope or some strength.

This just makes me smile and reminds me of all the beautiful ways Lola has touched others’ lives.

Love-

The mother of an angel

103 Months

I have this amazing doctor in Sarasota, she is so kind and sweet. After my check up last week, she sat and asked me questions about Lola. From what was her name to I bet you think about her everyday. She shared some stories about her  sister who lost a baby to SIDS and most recently a mother here that had twins and died a week later from a blood clot at home. Her point being sometimes these things just don’t make sense and it’s just shitty. At that moment,  I was amazed at how emotional I still get talking about Lola, maybe because no one really asks anymore. It was refreshing for her to say that and to care. As she walked out the door and said, “See you next year,....she added “ always keep her memory alive.” I smiled and thought of this blog and my daily prayers for Lola. Under my breath I muttered , “I will.”

Love-
The Mother of an Angel