58 Months

Sometimes we just need to embrace what life hands us...

I was thinking of all the times we "dream" up these so called perfect plans  and how we would love to see things play out as we expect or wish.  Isn't it funny though how things do turn out in the end, we learn to handle situations, deal with disappointment and even grow as human beings. I guess that's life, it doesn't pay to stomp your feet rather flow with life's directions.

I've been "flowing" for 58 months, and boy does that number sound big! The only way I know how to flow with this current of Lola is to still talk about her- she's part of my heart and family forever. Like when I found 8 pennies after Milo's end of the school year party, I instantly told my friends walking with me, "Lola pennies" because that's me. When a friend addresses a card to your whole family and includes Lola, that makes you smile. I still sign Jp's birthday card with all his children's names, I teased him that was a lot of names!  I always tell people I have a girl and boy if they ask...It's the little everyday things to include her in. I know she's not here, I know people don't physically see me with a little girl walking around the island or at the park but she's in my heart and mind running in circles all day long. We are always together.

It's really the littlest things that sometimes make the biggest difference in angel parents...and for angel parents our plans didn't go as we expected. I'm going with that "flow," figuring out still what's my next path in this journey of loosing your  child. It's not the easiest but we are still growing in love and peace.

Lola's Mom

57 Months

Letting Go...

It's been a month of change it seems and sometimes embracing it is the hardest thing. We've been clearing rooms, cleaning closets, organizing and organizing.... For almost 5 years we have  kept all Lola's things. Clothes, bibs, blankets, toys, bedding...it just always seemed to hard to part with, it felt like it was a part of her with us. As we started pulling apart these overflowing boxes of items, we knew it was time to "let it go" and hopefully bring some happiness to others with it. My heart was broken as I tearfully folded each clothing or item to be placed into boxes and bags for new homes.  It was what I felt I had left of our dreams for her....so with that in the back of my mind, I saved myself a dream box.  Jp and I each picked out a few things we each wanted to keep, things that will always make us smile when we glance at it,  just our little piece of Lola.

 I learned a hard lesson that week that they were just "things" and I'll always have the memories  but most importantly the love, no one can ever take that away....

Surprisingly,  it was actually a great feeling to donate a majority of her items to the Wesley House in Key West.  They were so grateful and happy, that's what Lola would have wanted. We received a kind letter from them expressing their gratitude and  I will definitely place that in her baby book, it's  keeping her memory alive. We were able to share other items with one of our dear friends, who sends me pictures of her daughter in Lola gear or playing with Lola blankets. It honestly makes my heart smile. It didn't do any good collecting dust and now Lola can smile down on us knowing she spread some cheer and love, because of course that's what angels do.

It's amazing how we are still learning to be these parents of an angel... One day at a time, never forgetting.

Lots of Love-

Lola's Mommy

56 Months

Today Milo and I lit a small candle at the church on Duval street for Lola. It was precious watching him diligently slip our donation into the slot and grab the long wooden match. Of course he wanted to light the candle and with Mom's help, we gracefully had it flickering. I whispered, "I love you and Milo whispered the same. He's makes my heart melt, it's a nice feeling knowing that candle was just for her today. Maybe every tourist that walks in and admires the beautiful church will look at all those candles at the front of the sanctuary and smile or be in awe, the one at the bottom is Lola Grace's!

Very surprisingly last week we received a piece of mail for Lola, it kind of makes you stop a moment and pause, it happens very rarely. It's ironic because it was from one of my favorite stores, with a coupon! Her way of saying- " Mom, please just buy Milo that bedroom furniture- stop debating, this is your sign" or direct hint from his sister angel... It made JP and I smile, of course we had to do it. Now I will think of Lola every time I see his new bedroom set! I'll never stop looking for signs or pennies...

Happy Easter Friends!

Love- the mother of an angel

55 Months

I often think to myself, "wouldn't it be great to win the lottery?" Then the endless imagination flows of what and where you could go if  you won...maybe it would be nice. Or then again maybe I've already won the lottery but in a different way. I have a beautiful daughter who I was lucky enough to hold, see and  who taught me more about life and gratitude than you can imagine. I have a son who lights up every room he walks into with his smile and taught us how to love. A husband, who I hate to brag but honestly maybe the best husband/ best friend out there. My dog always knows when I need extra kisses and snuggles  and my family and friends are beyond supportive. Wow- I have won some type of lottery or I just feel blessed.

I'm sure i did not feel this way after Lola passed. It was hard to see any good in something so tragic...it was easy to just be negative and sad about everything. It was okay to feel that way. As we grow and life keeps moving forwards it's going to be my personal mission to find the good in the bad. If I think it's a bad day, well maybe I can be grateful for the sunshine and  ocean breezes. Maybe it's the little things or the littlest people that teach us the most.

Mother of an Angel

54 Months

Good Byes.

Why are they always so hard? There are the day to day good byes, the see you soon good byes,the "your moving" good byes, and then those what seem so permanent good byes. Some that can bring you to tears just thinking of them or anticipating the moment...

I think that is one thing I struggled the most with Lola- it was so permanent, it was real. I didn't want that good bye. I just had all these dreams of what life would be like with this little girl, it was supposed to be our new and growing family. In a way I could think how selfish of me, I loved her beyond words. Then I read this quote yesterday that really got me thinking , " Try not to focus on what you have lost but on what Lola has gained." It's still hard, still 4.5 years later but if heaven is all I hope it is- than I have to picture this smiling joyful little girl having the best days imaginable!

This morning Milo and I saw this white feather float from the sky as we were waiting outside the store,  we were hand in hand. It was pretty neat to see it fall so gently- almost out of nowhere! I'm taking that as an angel sign today, and JP has found 3 pennies in the last week as well. Those little things make me feel like I haven't lost Lola, she just gets to "talk" to us in other ways.

53 Months

Our lives are ever changing,  sometimes I wish we could just have that moment where time stands still...We could take a big fresh breath of happiness and joy- whatever it maybe on that certain day or time.  I could think of so many of those times I would love to relive- feel it, smell it, be in that moment. Our wedding, a tropical vacation, a summer day at Lake Michigan, an ice cream from the ice cream truck as a kid, a late night coffee meet up with my favorite girls, the day I saw Lola for the first time, hearing Milo's cries and seeing his beautiful smile, Louie's puppy age, Christmas Eve at my grandparents, meeting JP. The list could go on and on, the good times. Thank goodness for the memories, those are our real life treasures. It is the pictures & blogs that help put us back in time...

I know that as the years go on there will certainly be many triumphs, happy moments and maybe even the sad days in our lives. They will come and they will go, we will survive. I feel as if the happy times keep us going and it's learning to see the good in the bad. I'm so grateful to look over my wall at night and see Lola's picture. I love her, I miss her and know there will be more happy times to come but for now I will hold onto my memories.

Love - the mother of an angel

52 Months

It's that time of the year...houses are sparkling with holiday lights, poinsettias are lined up on front porches and Lola's angel tree is lighting up our house. It is in fact my most favorite time of the year! 62 dazzling angels hang from this tree, amazing how the collection has grown through out the years. From angel ornaments that I inherited from my Grandmother to our newest addition this year of a happy little angel girl in a green dress and bright yellow shoes. One glance at this ornament and it does make you smile- it's contagious. Each angel represents Lola's memory and an everyday reminder of what this season should really be about, love. The love we have for our family and friends. The love we have for those that are no longer with us. I feel blessed for these Lola memories we can make each holiday season....

"And I need a little angel sitting on my shoulder." That's exactly what I hope we have, a little Lola watching over us and sitting on our shoulders! "Need a little Christmas now....."

Merry Christmas!

The mother of an angel