47 Months

It's hard to believe that in exactly one month from today Lola will be 4...instead of party planning or picking out the perfect gift, I'm left thinking what and where we will or can donate something that would make her proud and that she be remembered by. It is on the top of my list. To me it seems a little distant not to be in Carmel, a little out of sorts. It has most definitely been a year of change so another change we will adapt to. I thought today about a special visit during my trip to Sheboygan. To my grandfathers grave. My family keeps it very beautiful with garden flowers adorning it, little love and angel statues and Milo's newest addition of a pinwheel. Aren't cemeteries the most interesting places, at least I think that....Some graves kept up, others not, some stones are freshly engraved, others so old you can barley make out the wording. It makes you wonder what everyone that lays there story is. Right across from my grandpas grave, is the children section. In most cases not even children, but babies that have a name and one date. Just like Lola. I found myself strolling down the way reading each name carefully, each date. Loving daughter, forever missed, in our hearts forever...I guess I'm not so alone. i was so sad for all those babies and their families. My Mom thinks it is very neat someone took the time to build these white little picket fences with bible verses on them at many of the infant's graves. They are not forgotten. Their mom's would smile. We never buried Lola. JP says the first one who passes should be buried with her ashes. I like that choice. JP found a penny today and then saw a rainbow. Double the Lola signs. It's nice as we move forward into a sad month for us... Lola Grace Doepke August 16, 2009

46 Months

First off I have to start this newest post out with a Happy Father's Day to all those special Dads out there. I think it is important to remember the dads and grandpas watching over us from heaven and how hard it can be for those missing loved ones. Hopefully Lola got to spend the day with her great grandpas, what a treat that would be! JP is a wonderful father. We are so lucky to have him... I count my blessings everyday. I toasted him at dinner tonight, a big weekend celebrating a birthday and Father's Day! Being the most selfless and caring person, he exclaimed, " cheers to Lola." In our house the 16th of each month is still her day too. He just makes me smile, seems my heart smiled too when he said that. He's a great Dad to Lola. The thing about JP and I, is that what happened with Lola is something many would not understand except the two of us. Good thing we are a team! His journey with Lola is something I could never describe or even write about. I just can only imagine sitting in a hospital hall only peering through a window as they are trying to save her. Having to tell your wife that she didn't make it. He is probably one of the bravest people I know. He is courageous. There are so many wonderful qualities he possesses, I hope someday Milo will be just like him...Lola is proud. ( & of course Louie adores him too!) With that in mind, I think Lola being gone reminds me to not just take a holiday to celebrate the people you love so dearly. We should tell them more often, "love you." We should make people feel special everyday... I never want it to be to late. So here is to celebrating everyone we love... Lots of Love! Now go hug the next person you see and tell them you love them ( my guess, I will see JP!) Mother of an Angel Love you Lola!!!!!!!!!!

45 Months

I always think of Lola as that tiny angel in a white hat. Each needle pull done with love from my grandmother's hand, and a carefully orchestrated pink flower attached. Which now our family refers to as a "Lola hat." If I have a special request for my Grandma to make one, all that needs to be said is " one Lola hat please." Unspoken that hat is filled with love, dreams and well wishes. I met a new friend 2.5 years ago at a group called parents place in pacific grove, ca. That group of ladies and instructor taught me so much, it was truly an amazing experience with our babies. I overheard someone talking about how their husband was from Wisconsin and worked in a hotel one class time, sound familiar?...Meeting on a walk past the pacific ocean was our first meet up. I knew we would be good friends. I told her on that first day about Lola. That's just not something I ever do, still to this day... Our friendship grew, our husbands became friends and we always say our boys are bffs. ( it's true, they are!) When I found out the news they were expecting a little girl in May, I was over the moon for them! I knew they needed a Lola hat. Spencer Irene arrived last Thursday. She's beautiful! I enjoy my daily pictures of her. My favorite picture is of course of her in Lola hat. It would make you smile.... I most love that this little girl wore this on her way home from the hospital. It brought tears to my eyes. A little girl finally got to wear that hat home. I don't think Mandy even knows how special that was to me or how much it meant. To her, it could have been a super cute hat to put her in, to me it made my Mother's Day. Plus I've seen another picture of her in it since. Couldn't be happier for this family, spencer and Henry are some lucky kids! I can picture Lola smiling down from Heaven that day too. It's good to heaven's angels watching over us! Hoping everyone had a beautiful Mother's Day! I love JP always signs my mother day card with Lola's name or an angel...love to Lola! - Mother of an Angel

44 months

There are so many times where we have closed a door for the last time...imagine when you shut the door to your home you lived at for years and then as you walked away, that house became a memory. We glimpse back, take a mental picture and our feet keep moving forward.we move on. I feel like I have shut many doors in my life but have also have learned to keep many of those doors open. Who says you can never look back. We have moved 6 times in 11 years. That's a lot of doors I have closed. I also have closed many doors upon this journey that I never thought were in my life plan. I can still envision the hospital doors on the day when I left chomp. Empty arms. Holding back tears. Feeling beyond horrible. Feeling lost. Where would I go from here...how would or could you ever carry on. Lola was gone. I couldn't go back and make things better. I actually felt like I didn't even want to go to our house. I wanted to stay in my hospital room. How could I be with all her things and face her nursery. It made reality even worse. I don't know how but somehow we made it through. But I've never shut that door. I still continue to open doors and move forward on my journey with Lola. .heavens doors opened for her the morning of August 16th, as I felt the world crashing down us that day. This psalm is what helped me carry on... The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me besides quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his names sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, your rod and staff they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of The Lord forever. Psalm 23 Our family is in key west 3.5 years after loosing Lola , besides the quiet and gorgeous water here, he is restoring our souls. Hoping goodness and love will be with us and Lola each day. We have nothing to fear... I think it's a good way to end this blog, with a God Bless And of course love to Lola.

43 Months

I always miss Lola. Everyday, every second, every moment, I can't think of a time when my thoughts don't lead back to her. It's just that something is missing, I have realized I never feel whole. There is a never a day where my heart does not sit in a little sadness or where your mind wanders to how things could be. And then you get angry...it's a cycle. Sometimes I would like to be that little girl who could stomp her foot and say this isn't fair because that is certainly how I feel. It's strange how grieving works, I mean here we are 81 posts, 3.5 years later and I still get mad? There are still days I cling to JP in tears. I keep telling myself, someday it will be okay.... I also though spend a lot of my days in complete joy and amazement of life. Milo, his eyes, laughter and smile will always melt my heart. And then there is Louie, I mean could that little white fluff ball be any cuter or sassier. And then there is JP, hands down the most amazing man I have ever met. I am lucky. I have these beautiful angels on earth. I also have an angel in heaven. It is an amazing family to be a part of. We went swinging at the park a couple days ago. I would say hands down, swinging is the best. Close your eyes, flying in the air and the site of the blue ocean ahead. Milo in the toddler swing & JP and I in the big kid swings. If we could have pumped high enough to heaven maybe we would have... It was all giggles and laughter. Milo thought it was pretty funny his mom and dad could swing too! We got off our swings after quite some time and JP looked down at the ground by his swing and there was a shiny penny. Looks like we had a family day at the park after all. It's pretty special the signs God gives us and lo too. Thanks for swinging with us Lola! Love Always- Your Mom

42 Months

I always think of the month of February as a month of LOVE... Pink hearts, Red roses and of course Hallmark cards! It is fun for us to share and experience it through our children too, watching them exchange small notes, stickers and the excitement of a valentine treat. I am so thankful for these moments we are blessed with. It's the simple and small things we take for granted. Sometimes I feel like I should write down the every day excitement ( frustration too) & joy we get with milo. Valentines day made me look at the playground on Milo's school at all the little 3 year olds running around with bags of special valentines, wondering how it would be with Lola here. You always wonder. A sharp pain that makes you realize the reality of your life. Unfair circumstances or God's way of knowing heaven was her better home. Back to my small and simple moments: Milo found his first penny, all on his own... In which he exclaimed" money mama!" There it was, a shiny penny embedded in the bricks by the ocean at Mallory square. I was excited, tearful and looked up at the sky to say thanks to Lo! It was a great moment. Still love those pennies! Happy " love" month. Love you Lola!

41 months

It is my 16th of the month ritual to write my angel thoughts down in this blog for Lola. It's important, very important and just minutes ago a message kept appearing saying "blogger is having technical difficulties." I may have had a mini panic attack. Thoughts raced through my head that what, just what if I couldn't post today for her. It has in fact become my motherly duty of an angel to do this each month on the exact day she would be 41 months. It made me realize just how important this little blog is to me. It has become my conversation with Lola. It is my way of dealing with this emotional roller coaster. It is my way to grieve, to smile and be angry all at once. The blog is a way for me to remember and continue her legacy. Also my way to show off our little angel, she really has shaped us into the best parents we could ever be...and we are still learning and growing with her by our sides. I know it wouldn't have been the end of the world to blog on the 17th or even the 18th for that... But it has become our tradition. I like to think my little inspiration is smiling down on me or maybe she's reading over my shoulder as I type, maybe she looks forward to these blogging moments too. We can only imagine and dream. Good Night Lola... So glad we could talk tonight. Happy 41 months!!!!!!!