40 Months- holidays 2012

Sitting in the glow of a Christmas tree and a candle, filled with holiday spirit and the smell of that new cut Christmas tree in your home. It reminds me a lot of being a child, don't we miss those carefree, believing in Santa kind of days. Every white light is lit, the angel greets friends and family on our doorstep and we have 58 angels hanging on this years lola angel tree. It's stunning, I love every angel on this tree. I remember where each one is from or where we purchased it. Our new ornament this year resembled a golden fairy angel, whimsical... I know lola loves it. Milo likes to go and touch it, " angel" he says... Today is Lola's great grandfather's funeral. We went to buy a special angel ornament for him... It will always be grandpa heimer's angel. ( & then we had to get one for Lola too). They are in heaven watching over us...the first family member she got to greet at heaven's door. We will miss him dearly, he was a good man with a wonderful soul. I bet lola will be gardening with him in heaven or learning some new tricks. I'm so thankful to my family and grandma for including Lola in his obituary and also setting up a memorial for Bookworm Gardens in remembrance of miss lola grace. For any parent, when your child is remembered it warms your heart. God Bless everyone this holiday season...hopefully when you see an angel this Christmas you will be reminded of the ones we have had had to say good bye to and our now heaven's angels. Love- Lola's mommy

39 months

I had such a good feeling today, the kind where you feel like your heart could explode from your chest. I felt at home. I felt at peace. A monarch butterfly has been outside our house every morning. It's a sign. Life is a mixture of nightmares and fairy tales dreams. Funny how you can live both at the same time. That's exactly how I would describe our life. Pinch me if I am dreaming life in Key West with our family is the best, wake me up from this nightmare that Lola isn't physically here with us. Someday we will all be together...until then we just keep moving forward. That's where life as an angel mom is hard, 3 years later and I'm still learning. I'm still picking up the pieces. I'm still searching for answers. Always cautiously optimistic...we just have to trust their is a plan for all of us. Our hearts will heal, a new day will begin and somehow life goes on with the love of Lola in our hearts. I just have a feeling Lola would say- make it a great day, everyday. Mom of an angel

38 Months

Yesterday was the international wave of light...amazing to think about all those candles lit for the babies we said good bye to, too soon. When you read the remarks that parents, grandparents and friends leave about these special angels, you feel the pain through their words. For me, it makes me aware I am not alone in this world. That another mother out there understands my pain. They know the daily struggle. They are too familiar with the imperfect world we have to live in. One where you rejoice in your child here on earth and grieve daily for the one God has chosen for heaven. Some say he picks the best to bring to him, I am sure Lola was one of them. I am touched that so many of my friends and family continue to remember Lola. They lit a candle for her, send me kind notes and pictures. That encouragement and support is what we, we meaning angel parents need. Sometimes I think people thinking speaking of Lola is taboo, awkward, uncomfortable. For me it's not, it is how I cope. My life is not kept in bottle and either is Lola's story. She is and will always be a part of our lives. She has made me a better mother to Milo. She reminds me of patience and kindness, when otherwise I would not. She watches over her two brothers, Louie and Milo. She protects us and keeps us under her wings. When you meet someone like me or my husband or someone who has lost someone so special to them, talk about their angel once in awhile. You may warm their heart. Always Remember. Lola's Mom ps-JP found a penny today!!!always happens on the 16th...

37 Months

Our first blog from the island. Key West, Florida 9-16-2012 Life is a journey. We may have arrived at our temporary destination but I think life has a lot more paths to lead us on. I had always had this feeling our family needed a tropical home and for many reasons. Some of my last moments I remember with Lola on the way to the hospital that night was listening to some good old Jimmmy Buffett. Tropical, care free, fun music...Maybe that was our sign that life would lead to more sunshine, beaches and island life. Lola's direct orders for her family. The pain is less here. I could never describe it you or explain it but it is. I feel like for now this should be home. The adventure isn't as easy as I thought and maybe things haven't exactly fallen into our cookie cutter plan. But I can tell you there are worst things in life. Take each day with stride. Trust in God. It's all about the journey. My road to the hospital that night may have ended with some jimmy buffett tunes but.. Our journey continues here with our same tunes cruising down US 1... Lola was smiling down at us I am sure of it. JP found a penny today. Lola sure likes her Dad to find them. She sure brings us joy when we need it. I am not sure when we will ever reach our destination but we have to believe this path we are on has been mapped out by God. Good things will come...stay tuned. Love, Lola's Mom A special happy birthday wish to Howard Doepke- 97 years of amazing journeys!!!!! Lola's Great Grandpa. An amazing person and role model for us all.

36 months-3 years

Happy birthday Sweet Lola.... 3 years, it is pretty unbelievable but still feels like yesterday. Happy birthdays echoed at our house tonight as we belted out happy birthday to Lola. It was my favorite moment of the day. An empty house ( literally) and all four of us singing in unison, one angel listening from heaven. I know Lola was smiling down on us. For us, we spent Lola's day quite differently than in the past. I wonder if God chose our moving day as the 16th on purpose, all part of his plan. All part of us having to face the world on a day we would rather not. It made me realize, yes life goes on but for angel parents you sometimes want it to pause. I would pause lots of Lola moments if I could. We found two pennies today, what a celebration! JP found one this mornings as he was out in Seaside, he was so excited. That is what you pray for on these days, a sign. The second penny the three of us found together. Our movers insisted milo pretend drive the moving truck when it was all packed. He was over the moon, a big truck! As we went to place him in the driver seat, there in the middle of it was one shiny penny. Lola was watching over us, maybe a confirmation that this new journey is right for ALL of us. For a split second, it just makes you smile. In honor of Lola we donated food to the i help pantry in pacific grove, we had fun at Costco thinking of all the goodies and hungry mouths the items would feed. We also donated to the life program in salinas for the children. It just feels good to help others, it feels good to give in Lola's name. We made our last trip to our special church today, I think that was one of the hardest parts of today. Pink flowers were blooming, the sun was peaking through the clouds, it was peaceful. It is always a healing spot. We left behind an angel plaque and sign that reads the following: Faith to light the darkened sky, strength to carry on, Love to touch and heal the soul, HOPE to grace the dawn. It was a perfect moment, a perfect time to say good bye to the city we met Lola in.I will never forget this church. It was meant to help us heal, it was meant to remind us to keep dreaming. It simply a stunning spot. Three balloons went off to heaven, one pink rose drifted off to sea... The love and support from our family and friends humbles us. I guess more the love for Lola and how one angel can effect so many lives. Remembering Lola today and everyday. That cute little baby with the white hat adorned with a pink flower. She looked angelic from the moment I laid eyes on her. Happy birthday baby girl! Love, Your family

35 Months

It's hard to believe we are approaching the 3 year mark of saying good bye to Lola...mind boggling all the things that have happened in three years. The emotional roller coaster that we go on daily, and yet it is the ride that will never end. Around each bend there is something new, something that sparks an emotion or breaks down the ride. But we keep going. Then we proceed to get off and ride again. I would like to tell the ride operator aka God, "I am done" but that doesn't work. Loosing Lola is part of our life and we somehow face our fears and emotions and we go. Sometimes holding on for dear life. We had some beautiful Lola moments on our trip...it is great to share Lola stories. -Carly and Josh's wedding, was the picture perfect day you could imagine for one of your closet friends. They were so happy and in love, they were beaming. She was a beautiful bride! They were so sweet and kind to remember Lola Grace on their wedding memory table. When I saw it, I broke down in tears. It was just so touching, it is the little things. Keeping her memory alive. When I approaced and thanked her about it, she explained if Lola was with us she would have been one of her flower girls, ahhhh sigh. She said Lola passing had such an effect on her. Her Mom a couple years ago gave her the Lola perfume and she says anytime she is having a bad day, she puts it on and it makes her smile. Things could be worse...with that I say it is amazing and she is an amazing friend. -My aunt has a beautiful angel sculpture in her yard. It is her Lola spot, as she calls it. This was the first time I had ever seen it. The angel has her hands open and stands quite tall. In it, JOan keeps the pennies she finds, I would say there are about 40 or more in her hands. She keeps them out there all year long....amazing even during the winter snow or wind storms not one has fallen out. Milo liked visiting the angels with aunt Joan. -On our visit to the Senior Doepkes, we walked through the greenroom in their community. They had purchased a tile on the floor that reads, "In Memory of Lola Grace Doepke." We always stop to look at it upon visits. Then very sweetly I heard Grandma Doepke say, "Hi Lola." It was just such a nice moment or an amazing Lola moment. It is nice to share stories since often I just write about emotions or thoughts,new memories are good. So back on the roller coaster we go... The ones who love and support us hop on for the ride with us. They hold your hand when you feel you can't face the day. They make you laugh when you would rather cry. They make you face your fears and most importantly they love Lola. Thanks for riding with us....tickets please.

34 Months

Precious Moments...that is what I like to call them. The moment you can close your eyes and it makes you almost sigh. Try it, wondering what came to mind... Milo and I visit Lola's pink rose bush almost everyday- sunny days, rainy days, foggy days. Milo likes to see the "anl", let me translate, "angel." There is a little circular angel plaque buried by the roses, he must think it is pretty. I looked up into the sky one particular day, white fluffy clouds simmered through the sky, birds were singing and you could probably here the hum of the highway off in a distance. I said, "Hi Lola." I always do. Then Milo looked at me with his ever sweet endearing eyes and mimicks me..."hi lola." Smiles and waves. A precious moment. I think my heart melted a million times, thoughts zoomed in my head and tears clouded my eyes. I always think how much we miss her but then the thought that Milo never will have those big sister moments. It is unexplainable. So we make moments, Lola moments that is. When I close my eyes, I see Lola. She is in JP's arms, he is wearing a green polo sweatshirt and yellow t-shirt. She has stark white cap on adorned with a pink flower. She is wrapped in a blanket and her little floral kimono top peeks out from the top. Her eyes are closed, she is peaceful. But I'll still never understand...even though I feel some peace from that moment. I will never forget it, August 16, 2009. Keep precious moments in your back pocket, bring them out on a bad day. Close your eyes and bring peace your way. Or better yet, make a Lola moment. I look forward to the Lola moments we have with Milo. XOXOXOXO