Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care....

So again, I am having to say I haven't written in awhile.......though I love to write, theraputic in its own way. I thought about my last post of Christmas Day...WOW! What have we done, where have we been.....learning to look fear in the face and saying I just don't care................

Things we have done:

I got a tatoo for Lola...I prefer to call it my Lola Ink. Crazy I know, but one of the best things I could have done. Now I am wondering should it be bigger more glorious??? and then I sit back and enjoy the simplicity of it.(knowing I can always add to it at any point :)) I am acutally kind of proud of it, I know I suprised my Dad with it. It is almost like she is with you in way that you can't describe so next time you see me ask to see my Lola Ink.

We took a trip to visit JP's parents in Florida and had a quick trip to Key West (awesome!!!!!!!!!!) I thought a lot about the trip before we left, how I had already bought Lola's swimsuit for her trip. It was really cute, seahorses and seashells, pink and orange...sometimes those memories stop you in your tracks. As we got to the check in gate, we dragged our suitcases up to the counter, with Louie so patiently waiting in his travel bag and here JP keeps pointing to the ground as the lady is asking for our last name. I looked, assuming I had dropped something, saw nothing, he pointed again and then proceeded to pick up a shiny penny. A penny from heaven? or a reminder though Lola is not with us here on earth, she's in heaven and still makes the trips with us. Ahhhhhhhh. I remember thinking I needed that Lola! I put that penny on my nighstand during the whole stay and now it is safely in her piggy bank.

As I had mentioned, we also made our trip to Key West, a walk down memory lane...a place that since I have left Wisconsin has been the only city that I have considered home. Part of our wedding was the rose ceremony, in which JP and I exchanged roses and we were to put them in a special place that we could go back to. That special place is White Street Pier in Key West, where JP proposed to me.....and so we bought a beautiful single pink rose for Lola and the three of us (louie) walked to the edge of the pier and dropped in our rose for Lola. We watched it ride each wave, float on the waters and slowly creep out of our sight....

Words from the Rose Ceremony:
In every marriage there are times where it is difficult to find the right words. It is easiest to hurt who we most love. It is easiest to be most hurt by who we most love. It might be difficult some time to words to say "I am sorry" or "I forgive you"; "I need you" or "I am hurting". If this should happen, if you simply can not find these words, leave a rose at that spot which both of you have selected - for that rose than says what matters most of all and should overpower all other things and all other words.
That rose says the words: "I love you." The other should accept this rose for the words which cannot be found, and remember the love and hope that you both share today.

So now we have our rose for Lola......


A week ago I started a group on facebook for mother's that have lost their infants children...I guess it was not only for me that I needed this but I wanted to provide a little place for someone to go for additional support or just to vent. I remember feeling so alone when Lola passed, like no one understood or could possibly....holding your breathless child, saying goodbye. I knew a total of 6 angel moms, I invited them to join and posted some other announcements on some VP pages and this morning I looked, 30 Angel Moms, 54 pictures...I thought for sure Lola was smiling down at me from Heaven. I hope, that if only it is helpful to one mom then my prayers would be answered. Each Mom has their own story but the pain we feel is the same...but there is HOPE for each one of us...

On another note JP and I are on the house hunt, you could look it as a good or bad thing. Bad part is packing it all up and moving again but we maybe pros at that! Good part is just a fresh start, something new, something different....We have until June 1st, then our landlords are moving back into this house. We have pinpointed an area here that we like so we are just kind of waiting for something to hopefully open up...so say a prayer for us! I know there is power in prayer.....

I went to a special spot today, my friend Sara told me awhile back to find one of those places for Lola. I did. The colors of the water, the waves crashing on the rocks and one single bird flying above me....one of those aaaaahhhhhaaaa moments. Then suddenly I saw 2 sea lions popping their heads in and out of the water, I guess those things can't help but make you smile.

So today I will leave this blog in tears but it's okay to cry they say, tears are healing.....

"I see a stream down your face when you loose something you can't replace and I will try to fix you......"