154 Months

 I am embarrassed to say that I missed yesterday's post on the 16th for Lola Grace, maybe the first time. I feel guilty about it, as it was always my commitment and promise to Lola to blog on her day and every month. As I went for a brisk walk this morning, it dawned on me. It was June 17th and I had missed it! Almost an instant panic set in and a soft whispered apology to Lola.  Definitely not an excuse but I was so exhausted from this recent Wisconsin trip.  My mind was in shambles. I guess sometimes life just gets in the way or takes our minds in a million different directions. Last night I still prayed to God to say Hi to Lola for me and that I miss her, my nightly routine. So missing this one time, I'm telling myself isn't so bad, though I never want to do it again. I love Lola and miss her everyday.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

153 Months

 We found a penny on Mother's Day just as we were purchasing 27 blue perennials for our home. A penny on that day is a little extra special angel touch!So now every time we water our new flowers or sit from our front porch gazing at the yard, it makes me think of that special Mom's Day penny. I know I will never receive an amazing handmade card from Lola or small gift she made at school, but that one penny is my never-ending sign from her.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

152 Months

    Loss has been on all of our minds since my dad has passed. I think that Milo and Finley are at an age where they have begun to understand death and as little as they are, they grieve. With that, sparks many questions...as I got Finley ready for a bed a few nights ago he had three important questions for me:

1. What does Lola like?

2. Is she a teenager yet?

3. What child is Milo? (Meaning is he the oldest or middle child)

I was kind of caught off guard, as his usual questions are how many days until Friday....I had to think and ponder the best answers for him. It was a very sweet Lola moment. and as I walked out of his room that night, I smiled and blew him a kiss. That child is wise beyond his age and his love for his sister in heaven is real. 

Happy Easter!

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

151 Months

 Sometimes life gets hectic. For the past month Jp and I have been “moved out” of our room during our master bath and closet renovation. Actually, we have probably moved out of our room three times since we moved in July- for flooring, wallpaper removal/painting, and this recent and last project. You feel displaced when all your belongings are scattered through out the house and in different rooms. I think I basically wore the same 3 pants and 3 shirts for a month, quite frankly because I could find them and they were clean. It’s easy to get caught up in the craziness of it all…That being said, it was so nice to put our room back together this last weekend.  Lola’s picture is back  on our dresser where it belongs… It’s kind of her space in our house. Her picture is a little bit of comfort and the spot where  everyone stacks their Lola Pennie’s they find. We love and miss her everyday.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel 

150 Months

 The other day I literally thought to myself that we need to stop buying green houses in the future. Seems strange, I know. Maybe green carries a bad energy or luck but when you actually google the meaning of green, it symbolizes the natural world, good luck, health. That doesn't sound so bad....

I think of the house on Shell Avenue in Pacific Grove, it was green. The place where Lola was to come home, her nursery ready. A lot of her room was green too! I still have her green flower wall art.  That home to me was filled with such sadness, it could never be our home. Our green house in Sarasota where we lost my mom. The green house in Celebration where we lost my dad. I can so vividly remember in these houses the devastating memories of those moments, the calls...so that is clearly why I have come the conclusion we can most definitely can never ever buy a green house again.

They say it does not matter about our homes but just the people in them. I surely think these homes would be better with those we have loved and lost and then maybe, just maybe green houses wouldn't be so bad.

Love, 

The Mother of an Angel

149 Months

 Lately I have been thinking about how the sad times and tragedies we face shape our lives. They seem affect us more than happier and more glorious moments. I don't think I have ever felt like the same person since we lost Lola and every person following that.  A piece of you and your heart dies with them. Life can be somewhat normal, but it is simply not the same anymore. In the back of your mind there is always the thought of "If Lola were here...." or seeing a mom and their daughter her age, you wonder "what if?" My heart goes out to anyone who has walked this same path of life, no matter how much time passes you still miss the ones you love that are no longer with us. 

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

148 Months

 This year is a little different for Christmas. It’s the first year we didn’t put up Lola’s angel tree. I feel guilty about it but in my heart I know she would understand. I am not feeling  in the spirit this year but trying my best for the boys. We decided as a family to buy a special tree this year, it’s smaller, colored lights. We put up a handful  of Lola’s angels on it and then replicated the tree my Grandma Van Haveren had. Her ornaments ( angels too), vintage tree topper, and even her silver garland around the tree. Finley and I still purchased our angel ornament of the year for Lola. It’s  a small crystal angel accented with champagne gold. On the description it says  that it stands for peace, love, hope, and light. I knew it was the one. Perfect for Lola. Next year her tree will be back up, maybe things will feel a little more normal somehow. 

My dad and I sponsored a foster child in Sheboygan for Lola before he passed. He actually delivered it on Thursday before he got sick. It was fun to order a Barbie Dream Van, Christmas Barbie of the year, and books for a child that may have not had a Christmas otherwise. He loved bringing in the toys, giving was so important to him. Especially in Lola’s honor. 

I received a card today from a high school friend. She wrote in it, “I can’t imagine how it was when your Dad and Lola reunited.” She sent along a beautiful gold glittery butterfly and told me this reminded me of them, together. 

Happy Holidays. 

Love- The Mother of an angel