74 Months

Last night we participated  in our seventh wave of light. I remember being excited, nervous and anxious to participate in our first one- only two months after Lola had left us. It was a big first step- the candle, the urn, her picture all on the fire place mantel. It's a day when people talk and share about these little angels that received their wings too soon. This year we celebrated the wave of light in Colorado. We lit the candle- the boys thought it would be fun to blow it out and we relit and remained that way for her special hour. It's Lola's hour. The day when people maybe aren't afraid to say her name or  tell you they think of her.  It's the little things, it's the Lola things.

It was extra special to be here visiting our friends, their little girl has Lola's  rug in her room and her absolute favorite toy is the stuffed giraffe that was once for Lola. She calls it her "raf." It goes to bed with her and everywhere around the house. It is that irreplaceable, special toy to her.  She loves it and her mom said it's even more special that it was Lola's.  It brings such joy to my heart to see her things being used and better than that loved.

We miss Lola more than words or this blog could ever describe. She will always be my little angel.

Mother of an angel

73 Months

In a perfect world...
I wish...
I dream...

In a perfect world Lola would still be here. I wish she was. I dream of how she is doing.

There are so many different endings I could have for the sentences above, you fill in the blank.....
The past few months have been a little challenging and lately that voice in my head keeps saying 'things could be worse.' I feel like I know what the worse feels like, which is why Lola has been the inspiration in my life of not sweating the small stuff. She is also the inspiration of making the most out of every day because life is too short.

Milo and Finley reminded me of her today. They were playing house and when Milo needed a blanket, he chose the green polka dot chamois blanket from Lola's baby shower. They played peek a boo, wrapped a bear in it and now Milo took it to bed. That blanket which has sat in a basket for years, kind of ironic how today they chose that Lola blanket. It made me smile and cherish the items I have chosen to keep from her nursery and that the boys are using or playing with.

I guess it is also the small thing,s like this lime green fuzzy blanket that can make your day and remind you of what is really important.

love,

the mother of an angel

72 months

And here we are..it is Lola's sixth birthday. It is the same Sunday the 16th but nothing besides that remains the same. Its amazing how I can almost recall the exact sequence and events of that day, the day our family was to begin. How nothing turned out the way it was supposed to... how everything was out of our hands. Anger, sadness, worry, hurt, confused those just begin the emotions after you hear the news.  I woke up from surgery and awakened to my husband staring at me, his eyes said it all. My world stopped and I wanted it to be over. That's how it feels to be a mother of an angel.

If I am one hundred percent honest....I am surprised at how we are today. We are still a family. There is still Louie. There is Milo and now there is Finley and forever and always there is our angel Lola. I will never have the house full of Barbies or dolls.. My husband will never walk his daughter down the aisle.  And that's okay because it has to be... you have to learn to accept what you can't change. I dream out loud and work on changing things that make life better for all of us. I am so blessed with these two little boys and over the past Few months have seen their relationship blossom, sure to be best friends. I'm also positive Finley will be bossing Milo around and getting them into trouble 😉 It is pretty amazing. They make me smile, laugh until my tummy hurts and warm my soul with their charming personalities. I'm grateful to be Lola's mom as well, she makes me want to better and live for her and be the best mommy I can be.

We celebrated with six pink balloons and one pink rose. Milo drew a pig on his balloon to heaven, we are guessing the pink correlation? It made us smile. The balloons went off to heaven. The rose in the sparkling blue ocean. I watched it as someone turned around and took a picture of it. People walked past and looked. It was stunning with the sun shining on it, a lady picked it up, smiled and walked away with it. I kept thinking maybe she needed that, little does she know it was Lola's rose. A treasure.

We donated back packs to hope kids, a charity in Sarasota that helps get kids ready for back to school. We had such a great time picking out all the different character backpacks from doc mc stuffing to paw patrol. Milo was convinced we were tossing them in the sky so they could make it to heaven for Lola and her friends.

I appreciate the cards, notes and every Lola day encouragement we receive. From an angel, to pink lipstick, a prism and money for backpacks-thank you...

May everyday be the best day.

Happy Birthday Lola

Your Mom forever and always

71 Months

6 years ago at this time JP and I were taking a new adventure to settle into Carmel. We were house hunting, learning a new area and expecting Lola's arrival in one month.  Fast forward 6 years and here we are in our new house (one month tomorrow) with boxes to be unpacked, pictures to hung on the walls and two little boys. Think of all that has happened in six years....lots of hellos and good byes. We lost my Grandpa, JP's Grandmother and my Uncle Steve. We gained new friends that are like family, We made some great memories. We have dealt with struggles and  always the loss of Lola. We never ever give up because if we did we would miss out on the smiles and happiness that occur just in everyday simple things.

We have only found one penny since we have been here...It was at Milo's new school right before we walked in to meet with the principal to discuss Milo's allergies. The meeting went great and that penny was my affirmation that this was the right choice, I feel like he will be safe. Kind of a blessing that penny was in a way,

I love angel signs, I may repeat that way too often in my blogs. My other special angel sign was before closing on our house, we met with our loan officer and she shook Milo's hand, she turned to us said " I know another Milo in Texas and he has a sister named  Lola....I guess somethings are meant to be. Thank You Lola!


Love-
Lola's Mom

70 Months

I often hear the comment, " you look like your mom"....and then when we saw Lola everyone said she looked like her Dad. Then you hear Milo and Finley look like twins. It is interesting how different people view your children and who they look like or what side of the family. As Finley will quickly be approaching his first birthday I feel as I see more Lola in him than ever. Maybe it's the cheeks or his facial structure but something inside me says Lola. I guess you could say that Milo, Finley and Lola all have a little bit of each other in them...as their mother I have to report that they are the absolute cutest. It is hard not to know the color of Lola's eyes or even know what color her hair may have changed to... Would it be thick, curly..would she be tall...the list is endless. In my mind I just picture this beautiful little baby that I got the pleasure to hold and see 5.5 years ago. She will always be my little baby girl and angel, for that I am blessed. 

Love,

Mother of an Angel

69 Months

It is my last blog entry out of Key West. In just a few weeks our family is taking another adventure to Siesta Key, another place for a new beginning. 2.5 years ago we had our house packed up on Lola's birthday, it was with such mixed emotion to leave the Monterey Peninsula. I truly felt that going to back to the Keys was part of our healing journey and here we are now with a lot of fun memories, new friends and of course Finley. I would say we did well. We have found numerous pennies on this island,have seen some of the most beautiful rainbows and always had butterflies in our backyard. My angel is with us here and wherever we head to next...That is the beauty of this journey.

I could never describe how it is to be a mom of angel...how you never go back to the person you once were or how you walk around half the time wondering "what if." I will tell you that this blog has been my experience watching Lola grow up or more us growing up together. We have come so far. I hope she likes Siesta Key and I look forward to reporting my first penny find from there.

Love-

A mother of an angel

68 Months

Journeys. I was thinking the other day of all the adventures we embarked upon with our Honda Element. The "good old" blue car that we bought over a decade ago in Key West. It's been to San Antonio, Monterey and back to its orginal home of Key West. If that car could speak, the stories it could tell. The best stories would include bringing Louie home, endless trips to the Pottery Barn outlet, afternoon drives, Milo bopping to music in the back, trip to Palm Beach, San Francisco, this car has  put on the miles. But with all the happy memories comes some of the saddest....Our last drive to the hospital with Lola. I turned Jimmy Buffet on that night, it was pitch black, the only ones on the road, hand resting on my stomach.  From that point it almost seems like a fog, the day I was discharged that car was full of flowers and not the baby girl that was supposed to be in that grey car seat in the back. Getting in that car was just the first step of our new reality, one we weren't prepared for.

So maybe I am a little more sentimental about this car, JP described it as "bittersweet." Many pennies have been displayed in it,  many tears have fallen and many songs that are "Lola's" have been played. I recall on the drive to find out her gender the song "Daughters" came on. It had to be one of our very first angel signs. The drive to pick up her ashes and the drive home stopping at a look out point staring at the ocean from this car for what it seemed like hours. It's the little girl we will never watch grow up so I guess we hold onto those memories that we do have, even the saddest ones. 

We sold the Element a few weeks ago-  it was a whirlwind surprise and a great story. Lola sure was watching over that transaction! I will always remember that blue car, it's kind of special.

Mother of an Angel