55 Months

I often think to myself, "wouldn't it be great to win the lottery?" Then the endless imagination flows of what and where you could go if  you won...maybe it would be nice. Or then again maybe I've already won the lottery but in a different way. I have a beautiful daughter who I was lucky enough to hold, see and  who taught me more about life and gratitude than you can imagine. I have a son who lights up every room he walks into with his smile and taught us how to love. A husband, who I hate to brag but honestly maybe the best husband/ best friend out there. My dog always knows when I need extra kisses and snuggles  and my family and friends are beyond supportive. Wow- I have won some type of lottery or I just feel blessed.

I'm sure i did not feel this way after Lola passed. It was hard to see any good in something so tragic...it was easy to just be negative and sad about everything. It was okay to feel that way. As we grow and life keeps moving forwards it's going to be my personal mission to find the good in the bad. If I think it's a bad day, well maybe I can be grateful for the sunshine and  ocean breezes. Maybe it's the little things or the littlest people that teach us the most.

Mother of an Angel

54 Months

Good Byes.

Why are they always so hard? There are the day to day good byes, the see you soon good byes,the "your moving" good byes, and then those what seem so permanent good byes. Some that can bring you to tears just thinking of them or anticipating the moment...

I think that is one thing I struggled the most with Lola- it was so permanent, it was real. I didn't want that good bye. I just had all these dreams of what life would be like with this little girl, it was supposed to be our new and growing family. In a way I could think how selfish of me, I loved her beyond words. Then I read this quote yesterday that really got me thinking , " Try not to focus on what you have lost but on what Lola has gained." It's still hard, still 4.5 years later but if heaven is all I hope it is- than I have to picture this smiling joyful little girl having the best days imaginable!

This morning Milo and I saw this white feather float from the sky as we were waiting outside the store,  we were hand in hand. It was pretty neat to see it fall so gently- almost out of nowhere! I'm taking that as an angel sign today, and JP has found 3 pennies in the last week as well. Those little things make me feel like I haven't lost Lola, she just gets to "talk" to us in other ways.

53 Months

Our lives are ever changing,  sometimes I wish we could just have that moment where time stands still...We could take a big fresh breath of happiness and joy- whatever it maybe on that certain day or time.  I could think of so many of those times I would love to relive- feel it, smell it, be in that moment. Our wedding, a tropical vacation, a summer day at Lake Michigan, an ice cream from the ice cream truck as a kid, a late night coffee meet up with my favorite girls, the day I saw Lola for the first time, hearing Milo's cries and seeing his beautiful smile, Louie's puppy age, Christmas Eve at my grandparents, meeting JP. The list could go on and on, the good times. Thank goodness for the memories, those are our real life treasures. It is the pictures & blogs that help put us back in time...

I know that as the years go on there will certainly be many triumphs, happy moments and maybe even the sad days in our lives. They will come and they will go, we will survive. I feel as if the happy times keep us going and it's learning to see the good in the bad. I'm so grateful to look over my wall at night and see Lola's picture. I love her, I miss her and know there will be more happy times to come but for now I will hold onto my memories.

Love - the mother of an angel

52 Months

It's that time of the year...houses are sparkling with holiday lights, poinsettias are lined up on front porches and Lola's angel tree is lighting up our house. It is in fact my most favorite time of the year! 62 dazzling angels hang from this tree, amazing how the collection has grown through out the years. From angel ornaments that I inherited from my Grandmother to our newest addition this year of a happy little angel girl in a green dress and bright yellow shoes. One glance at this ornament and it does make you smile- it's contagious. Each angel represents Lola's memory and an everyday reminder of what this season should really be about, love. The love we have for our family and friends. The love we have for those that are no longer with us. I feel blessed for these Lola memories we can make each holiday season....

"And I need a little angel sitting on my shoulder." That's exactly what I hope we have, a little Lola watching over us and sitting on our shoulders! "Need a little Christmas now....."

Merry Christmas!

The mother of an angel

51 Months

"It's all about the journey..."
We recently purchased a colorful eclectic key west style tile with this quote on it for a friend leaving the island.  It made me stop and think of the journey of life we go on. The unexpected hurdles, the surprises, endless emotions, milestones and struggles we conquer....all the good and the bad. It is the journey. In this journey we become who we are and become how we will be remembered.

Lola's journey was not what any of us expected. A surprise. A heartache. Now a legacy to me. Her life was my life and she is forever part of our hearts. I guess we never know what will happen tomorrow, months from now or even years..that's not in our hands. But tomorrow when the sunrises over this little island I plan to smile at the sun for Lola, look for a penny and hold the hands of my favorite guys for a walk on the beach. Maybe we can even make a sand angel! Everyday is our journey. It's our moment to make a memory and remember the journeys of those that have passed or maybe those we can't be with everyday.

I love that little girl with all heart!

Mother of Angel

50 Months

I'm participating. I'm a mother on an angel. I read these exact words yesterday for the wave of light and infant loss rememberance day. I love it, describes me to a t! Lighing that candle each year is such a special hour in our lives. It makes you take time out of the craziness of our worlds and reflect on what is truly important. I put Lola's candle outside on our veranda, the sky was dark, the moon was shining. It was a gorgeous island night. But then in the midst of all that darkness there was one little candle for Lola, flickering a soft yellow glow, while the palm trees were swaying in the wind. Peaceful is the word that comes to mind... after all isn't peace what we are all searching for? The moment when you feel content, the moment where you can take a deep breath and smile- because maybe, just maybe for that exact moment everything is okay. That is how I felt last night. Lola times are the best. I also spent that hour putting pictures, letters and momentums in her special book from the past few months. I started paging from the beginning looking at all those beautiful photos of her, all the quotes that at one time captured our feelings. I saw features of Lola in Milo. I laughed at pictures of Louie over the last 4 years... so even in times of sadness and such loss, maybe we start to see some good too. I always say someday I will have all the answers...and boy when I meet God, we have a lot to discuss :)!!!! We have learned a lot since Lola passed and we are still learning. "You were here for a moment...but left a lifetime of love." So true, I think there were a lot of candles burning for Miss Lola. Love, A mother of angel

49 Months

Going back and visiting the Monterey area, will always be our special family spot. It was great to be back last week, beautiful scenery, good friends and a place that will forever hold a piece of our hearts. It's like a walk down memory lane with Lola. The view of the Pacific Ocean and the huge waves crashing on the shores in PG. Picking up tiny seashells and vivid sea glass. Visiting the church and gardens in Carmel. Looking at the koi fish in the hospital lobby. It is all Lola or part of our healing journey... When we walked up to "lolas's special church" I decided to venture in the gardens first. The flowers, hidden angels and small benches just make you feel almost at home. I was delightfully surprised when I approached the area where over a year ago I left a plaque on Lola's 3rd birthday, our last day in Carmel. It is still there. Untouched. Perfect. It was almost as if it was there waiting for us to come back and visit. It was that Lola moment that takes your breath away and tears swell your eyes. It reads: Faith to light up the darkened sky, strength to carry on, love to touch and heal the soul, hope to grace the dawn. Amazing. We miss Lola. I hope in future visits to see that plaque again... We found one penny on our trip. It was great to be back. Love- the mother of an angel