43 Months

I always miss Lola. Everyday, every second, every moment, I can't think of a time when my thoughts don't lead back to her. It's just that something is missing, I have realized I never feel whole. There is a never a day where my heart does not sit in a little sadness or where your mind wanders to how things could be. And then you get angry...it's a cycle. Sometimes I would like to be that little girl who could stomp her foot and say this isn't fair because that is certainly how I feel. It's strange how grieving works, I mean here we are 81 posts, 3.5 years later and I still get mad? There are still days I cling to JP in tears. I keep telling myself, someday it will be okay.... I also though spend a lot of my days in complete joy and amazement of life. Milo, his eyes, laughter and smile will always melt my heart. And then there is Louie, I mean could that little white fluff ball be any cuter or sassier. And then there is JP, hands down the most amazing man I have ever met. I am lucky. I have these beautiful angels on earth. I also have an angel in heaven. It is an amazing family to be a part of. We went swinging at the park a couple days ago. I would say hands down, swinging is the best. Close your eyes, flying in the air and the site of the blue ocean ahead. Milo in the toddler swing & JP and I in the big kid swings. If we could have pumped high enough to heaven maybe we would have... It was all giggles and laughter. Milo thought it was pretty funny his mom and dad could swing too! We got off our swings after quite some time and JP looked down at the ground by his swing and there was a shiny penny. Looks like we had a family day at the park after all. It's pretty special the signs God gives us and lo too. Thanks for swinging with us Lola! Love Always- Your Mom

42 Months

I always think of the month of February as a month of LOVE... Pink hearts, Red roses and of course Hallmark cards! It is fun for us to share and experience it through our children too, watching them exchange small notes, stickers and the excitement of a valentine treat. I am so thankful for these moments we are blessed with. It's the simple and small things we take for granted. Sometimes I feel like I should write down the every day excitement ( frustration too) & joy we get with milo. Valentines day made me look at the playground on Milo's school at all the little 3 year olds running around with bags of special valentines, wondering how it would be with Lola here. You always wonder. A sharp pain that makes you realize the reality of your life. Unfair circumstances or God's way of knowing heaven was her better home. Back to my small and simple moments: Milo found his first penny, all on his own... In which he exclaimed" money mama!" There it was, a shiny penny embedded in the bricks by the ocean at Mallory square. I was excited, tearful and looked up at the sky to say thanks to Lo! It was a great moment. Still love those pennies! Happy " love" month. Love you Lola!

41 months

It is my 16th of the month ritual to write my angel thoughts down in this blog for Lola. It's important, very important and just minutes ago a message kept appearing saying "blogger is having technical difficulties." I may have had a mini panic attack. Thoughts raced through my head that what, just what if I couldn't post today for her. It has in fact become my motherly duty of an angel to do this each month on the exact day she would be 41 months. It made me realize just how important this little blog is to me. It has become my conversation with Lola. It is my way of dealing with this emotional roller coaster. It is my way to grieve, to smile and be angry all at once. The blog is a way for me to remember and continue her legacy. Also my way to show off our little angel, she really has shaped us into the best parents we could ever be...and we are still learning and growing with her by our sides. I know it wouldn't have been the end of the world to blog on the 17th or even the 18th for that... But it has become our tradition. I like to think my little inspiration is smiling down on me or maybe she's reading over my shoulder as I type, maybe she looks forward to these blogging moments too. We can only imagine and dream. Good Night Lola... So glad we could talk tonight. Happy 41 months!!!!!!!

40 Months- holidays 2012

Sitting in the glow of a Christmas tree and a candle, filled with holiday spirit and the smell of that new cut Christmas tree in your home. It reminds me a lot of being a child, don't we miss those carefree, believing in Santa kind of days. Every white light is lit, the angel greets friends and family on our doorstep and we have 58 angels hanging on this years lola angel tree. It's stunning, I love every angel on this tree. I remember where each one is from or where we purchased it. Our new ornament this year resembled a golden fairy angel, whimsical... I know lola loves it. Milo likes to go and touch it, " angel" he says... Today is Lola's great grandfather's funeral. We went to buy a special angel ornament for him... It will always be grandpa heimer's angel. ( & then we had to get one for Lola too). They are in heaven watching over us...the first family member she got to greet at heaven's door. We will miss him dearly, he was a good man with a wonderful soul. I bet lola will be gardening with him in heaven or learning some new tricks. I'm so thankful to my family and grandma for including Lola in his obituary and also setting up a memorial for Bookworm Gardens in remembrance of miss lola grace. For any parent, when your child is remembered it warms your heart. God Bless everyone this holiday season...hopefully when you see an angel this Christmas you will be reminded of the ones we have had had to say good bye to and our now heaven's angels. Love- Lola's mommy

39 months

I had such a good feeling today, the kind where you feel like your heart could explode from your chest. I felt at home. I felt at peace. A monarch butterfly has been outside our house every morning. It's a sign. Life is a mixture of nightmares and fairy tales dreams. Funny how you can live both at the same time. That's exactly how I would describe our life. Pinch me if I am dreaming life in Key West with our family is the best, wake me up from this nightmare that Lola isn't physically here with us. Someday we will all be together...until then we just keep moving forward. That's where life as an angel mom is hard, 3 years later and I'm still learning. I'm still picking up the pieces. I'm still searching for answers. Always cautiously optimistic...we just have to trust their is a plan for all of us. Our hearts will heal, a new day will begin and somehow life goes on with the love of Lola in our hearts. I just have a feeling Lola would say- make it a great day, everyday. Mom of an angel

38 Months

Yesterday was the international wave of light...amazing to think about all those candles lit for the babies we said good bye to, too soon. When you read the remarks that parents, grandparents and friends leave about these special angels, you feel the pain through their words. For me, it makes me aware I am not alone in this world. That another mother out there understands my pain. They know the daily struggle. They are too familiar with the imperfect world we have to live in. One where you rejoice in your child here on earth and grieve daily for the one God has chosen for heaven. Some say he picks the best to bring to him, I am sure Lola was one of them. I am touched that so many of my friends and family continue to remember Lola. They lit a candle for her, send me kind notes and pictures. That encouragement and support is what we, we meaning angel parents need. Sometimes I think people thinking speaking of Lola is taboo, awkward, uncomfortable. For me it's not, it is how I cope. My life is not kept in bottle and either is Lola's story. She is and will always be a part of our lives. She has made me a better mother to Milo. She reminds me of patience and kindness, when otherwise I would not. She watches over her two brothers, Louie and Milo. She protects us and keeps us under her wings. When you meet someone like me or my husband or someone who has lost someone so special to them, talk about their angel once in awhile. You may warm their heart. Always Remember. Lola's Mom ps-JP found a penny today!!!always happens on the 16th...

37 Months

Our first blog from the island. Key West, Florida 9-16-2012 Life is a journey. We may have arrived at our temporary destination but I think life has a lot more paths to lead us on. I had always had this feeling our family needed a tropical home and for many reasons. Some of my last moments I remember with Lola on the way to the hospital that night was listening to some good old Jimmmy Buffett. Tropical, care free, fun music...Maybe that was our sign that life would lead to more sunshine, beaches and island life. Lola's direct orders for her family. The pain is less here. I could never describe it you or explain it but it is. I feel like for now this should be home. The adventure isn't as easy as I thought and maybe things haven't exactly fallen into our cookie cutter plan. But I can tell you there are worst things in life. Take each day with stride. Trust in God. It's all about the journey. My road to the hospital that night may have ended with some jimmy buffett tunes but.. Our journey continues here with our same tunes cruising down US 1... Lola was smiling down at us I am sure of it. JP found a penny today. Lola sure likes her Dad to find them. She sure brings us joy when we need it. I am not sure when we will ever reach our destination but we have to believe this path we are on has been mapped out by God. Good things will come...stay tuned. Love, Lola's Mom A special happy birthday wish to Howard Doepke- 97 years of amazing journeys!!!!! Lola's Great Grandpa. An amazing person and role model for us all.