122 Months

We lit our candle for Lola last night as we participated in the Wave of Light. Finley helped me get out the same candle we have used for the past ten years, and watched as we lit it at exactly 7pm. He wonders why a baby would have to go to heaven, he is so kind hearted and loving.  The candle seemed to light up the room for that hour. Milo announced he was officially in charge of blowing it out at 8pm, he did. Our candle last night was for all the babies that are gone too soon, all the families whose hearts still break. They are never forgotten.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

121 Months

I quickly glanced at  the pictures stacked on my dresser today. Lola, Milo, Finley...I have some serious memory book pictures to fill in and complete. The Angel Book, The “never- ending” Baby Book, and the Birthday Book. It’s not very often I get to complete my projects in three, for my three children. One day hopefully my boys will share their books with their families, and maybe even Lola’s. I promised myself today I would complete Lola’s book from her tenth birthday, it’s always a difficult task to complete. In fact, it’s one thing I procrastinate on. To gently tuck in her birthday letter, place a memory from the day in the picture pocket, and finally her “birthday gift”  picture.  It’s quite different than writing about Finley’s birthday at Fort Wilderness,  and placing a family photo with Chip and Dale. When they say a “mother wears all different types of hats,” I bet no one ever thought of the role of the Mom who lost her child, and then carries on with her others. These Moms are different and unique, no one will ever understand unless they have walked the walk. It’s a world like no other....

So wish me luck scrapbooking tonight....
Love,
The Mother of an Angel

120 Months-10 years

When the ball dropped on New Year's Eve ringing in 2019, my first thought was Lola would be 10 this year. One decade has passed..

So what would a ten year old want for her birthday? What kind of party or birthday trip would she like? Would she pick out a special birthday outfit to wear today?

I wonder. I imagine. I dream.  I am sad. Truth be told, I am sad everyday without her.

I wish we could celebrate together, I wish her birthday was full of joy instead of sadness.

Today, August 16, 2019 has been  a very stormy and gloomy day. I am not even sure we have seen the sun, but plenty of rain drops have fallen from heaven. For Lola's day, we decided to meet at the beach this morning. It was lightly drizzling, and the waves were  crashing on the shore. Picking up a few tiny seashells to remember this day, we saw bright purple and yellow flowered vines have taken over parts of the beach area. Rain does bring some beauty. Of course, Finley requested to be the official pink rose "thrower" and without much thought we quietly whispered happy birthday. The rose was engulfed by the powerful waves, I had a quick  moment to look up at the gray clouds and sky. The vision that popped in my head was Lola, in my arms with her white hat and pink flower. That is why she always gets a pink rose on her birthday.

In honor of Lola, we purchased a small engraved gold foot that will adorn the fence at Bookworm Gardens. It will read " Happy 10th Birthday Lola!" I think it is perfect for her ten year angelversary. It reminds me of her precious little feet. You have to wonder where those precious little feet would have gone in ten years. One can only wonder... She came into our lives, left footprints on our hearts and we have never been the same.

Happy 10th Birthday Lola.

Love,
The Mother of an Angel

119 Months

It is a month away from Lola’s birthday, or I guess we could call it her angel day. The day she got her wings. I always feel her presence is with us, she is with our family. The last two adventures we have gone on this past month, each one of her brothers found a penny on our trip. I always have to remind the one who didn’t find one first, that there will be another one coming...their penny from heaven. I just think it’s so special for all of us, and it is so neat  for me to see them embrace their Lola penny. It probably is the best treasure yet...at least in my opinion! The littlest things can turn out to be the biggest things, the ones that fill our hearts with the most joy!

Love,
The Mother of an Angel

118 Months

The boys and I are back for a short summer trip to Wisconsin. On our plane ride here I pondered a couple “Lola” spots I wanted to visit. We are first going to look for her fence picket at the new children’s park here. I haven’t seen it yet, and hopefully I can get a picture with the boys for her angel book. I also look forward to seeing her brick and little engraved foot at Bookworm Gardens...that is always one of our favorite spots. Sheboygan is so close to my heart, and I love that I can take the boys here but also celebrate Lola too. It makes it more special to have these Lola spots in a place that was home.

We love you Lola!

Love-
The Mother of an Angel

117 Months

I used to get random pieces of mail for “Lola Grace Doepke,” it would make your heart sink and smile at the same time. I have not received any mail for her in the last couple years, it’s almost as if they have forgotten her or she never became their “best” customer. As years go by you wonder if people think of her less often too,  just like the mail. I will never forget Lola, I think about her every single day. Her loss stays with me, it’s the  part that never goes away. It could be a song I hear, a butterfly I see, the waves of the ocean, little girls with their moms at pick up.... the daily reminder of what I am missing, Lola. Lola will never be lost or forgotten with me, and who knows when the next random piece of mail will come labeled “Lola.” That piece will make my heart smile.

Love.
The Mother of an Angel

116 Months

Every night I say prayers with my boys before bed.  I feel like we follow a 'prayer order," starting with themselves and going down the line. Lola is always part of our prayer line up, just maybe God can let her know we think of her and love her so much.  Milo has started to say his own prayers (he is growing up too fast), but Finley will speak up when I say, "Finley's special prayer is for...." It has been hard to watch these little boys grieve for their best buddy Louie, and their continuos request has been for him almost every night since he past. I love to think that Lola and Louie are together, maybe it just makes the pain a little less or comforts me. What we wouldn't give to have one more day, even one more hour, or minute with them....for my little boys they just want to snuggle their dog again and meet their sister. Grieving takes time, it just doesn't go away.....

love,
the mother of an angel