66 Months

Lately I am amazed at how fast the days go by, there truly is some meaning to the phrase " there are never enough hours in the day." I feel like it was just a week ago when I wrote my last Lola blog and here the 16th has already come and almost gone. Never would this day go by without it being Lola's day to me, that will never change. No matter how much our lives move in fast forward or the mornings quickly become night, I always want to make time for Lola on "her day" and maybe she takes time to make a moment for us too. Like walking into the house after a play date  today and " pennies from heaven" was sounding from the tv music channel or how about leaving music class on Valentine's day and Milo spots on his own....a penny. I told him what a great valentine from Lola. Love.
I recall how days dragged on after she passed....some I thought would never end. It's another step for us. This chapter of life brings so much joy and absolute craziness but I wouldn't change it for the world. and Lola is still part of it. She is my daughter, she's my angel and we are all in it together. We are family....Taking a moment everyday to remember Lola and hoping you can find time to say "hello" to her too....or other special angels in your life.

Love- mother of an angel

65 Months

It's the start of a brand new day and when you find a shiny penny right outside your house, you can't help but think it is going to be a great one.  ( especially when it's the 16th of the month) Many people think pennies are lucky, while my pennies are a gift from my angel. It's our conversation piece. I can't describe this almost "burst of joy" I felt, funny how a penny can make you feel this way. Now my day has been no where near perfect, but it has been full of smiles, laughs, good converstion, a game of tug of war with Louie and cuddles with my boys. That's really all that counts and of course my hello from Lola. The positives will always outweigh the negatives. The sun will always shine again and there will always be lots more pennies to be found. 

Thanks Lola!

Love- 

A mother of an Angel 

64 Months

71 Angels is the count for this year's annual Lola tree. Each unique, precious and special as she. This tree has become one of our most favorite traditions. As you enter our house that little angel on the top of the tree gleams, while the others sparkle and shimmer off the white lights. There are even some angels that are so "childlike" and cheerful they almost bring a smile to,your face. Her tree gives me the time and place to stop for a moment and think of her... The Lola Angel Tree. We appreciate and cherish each angel we receive from others and every year when we take out the angels, I am reminded of all those that love and carry on this tradition with us. It truly is special....

Merry Christmas to all! May you find yourselves making snow/sand angels and every time you hear a bell this season, let's dream another angel has gotten their wings! Love to Lola.

Mother of an Angel

Ps.- I found a penny today!

63 Months

Whenever we see an angel, Milo's instant response is...."there is Lola."  I have learned in a four year olds eyes to him churches and any angel, is in fact his sister. It is so pure and innocent. My grandmother always sends mail adorned with angel stickers, Milo always exclaims " lola stickers!"  A recent card birthday card from our church, was yes from Lola! Those are Milo's way of celebrating his special angel above and I believe and am hopeful she is watching over him every step of the way....We did actually receive one piece of mail for Miss Lola Grace Doepke this week. JP had registered her name from previous donations of all her baby items, and now we are giving all our baby boy items to this special organization as well. So thank you Lola for your generous donation of 0-3 month baby boy clothing. That has to make you smile, I recall picking up that piece of mail and just grinning ear to ear. It reads, " you have greatly assisted in our mission to promote and enhance the safety, well being and development of children by educating, supporting and meeting the needs of families. Your continued support is deeply appreciated."  This letter is a perfect addition to her angel book. I hope we have the chance to get more Lola mail like this in the future and can't wait for the next time Milo has his Lola spotting.

It's the simple and little things I have learned to cherish. ...

Love-

Mother of an Angel

62 Months

It's the sixth year we have participated in the International Wave of Light Ceremony. It's  the sixth year we have used the same candle. The only candle we ever use on Lola's birthday and for Wave of Light, used twice a year. It's almost like fine china! The flame is still bright but the candle is getting smaller. White and angelic, candles always seem to bring tranquility and peace to a room with their glow. I thought about all the candles shining for these little babies, somewhere way beyond the stars they are watching over us and someday we will all be reunited. Their lives like Lola's too short and so dearly missed.

Our candle traveled with us for that hour. When we first lit it, I was able to take a moment to say a prayer, say hello and run my fingers over her picture. That candle lit up my whole room. I took it with me while I bathed Finley. It made me recall lying in the hospital bed as I watched JP and the nurse give Lola a bath. I cried the whole time. JP was brave. We picked out her going home outfit from my hospital bag and dressed and combed her hair.  This  outfit was more like her "heaven" is my home outfit. Memories.  At the end of the hour I blew out the candle, the smoke swirled in the air. It's put away now until Lola's next birthday. We still remember and cherish her everyday, she was just too special for this earth.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

61 Months

Each child has a favorite stuffed animal, sometimes one is more popular than others at times. At our house we seem to skip from "Ben" to Mickey Mouse and Lola's bear. Milo acquired this squishy brown St. Jude bear from her collection. It's always been part of his room but it's most heart warming when that one is the request for bedtime. It was from her registry, a gift and half the proceeds  from the purchase went to St.Judes hospital, so it makes it even more special. After Lola passed I slept with that bear a few nights as well...I love that bear. I remember placing it in her crib in anticipation of her homecoming.

On Lola's birthday this year, we purchased our second St. Jude bear, but this is for Finley. It almost seemed that he needed a Lola bear in his room as well. This year's addition is a white fuzzy bear, white like an angel. Milo named him Snowball. He will be waiting for the day when Finley requests his Lola bear for bed...

Until then it's nice to peek at these bears in their rooms and think it is a little piece of their sister with them... Teddy Bear.

Sweet Dreams.

Mother of an Angel

60 Months

Happy Birthday Lola- we clapped, we cried, we waved good bye...

It's hard to imagine 5 years have passed us by. Five long years without Lola. Years of imagining what she would look like, what she would love and five years of imagining how our family could be. She is always the piece that is missing, the part where as a parent you never truly feel whole. It is hard to explain but the pain and sadness does not ever go away. We may have become stronger or maybe more accepting over time but there are moments when the thought of holding her and saying good bye radiates in our mind. We never want to say good bye...

On that night of August 16th, I remember almost everything, clearly. I can play the moments over in my head. It wasn't just a bad dream, it actually was and still is our lives. I always want Lola's day to be full of happiness and joy even though that is sometimes hard. I want Milo and Finley to be able to celebrate their sister. We should remember how blessed we were to hold this little angel, see her gorgeous face and hold her hand. We are still her parents, still her family.

Today we did celebrate. An ice cream sundae with chocolate sprinkles and a pink lit candle. We sang at the top of our lungs and clapped for her. We followed with our yearly tradition of the balloons to heaven, five this year and each with a special message. Milo of course drew his signature smiley face for his sister, he was most proud and a little teary to let that one go. There were rain clouds in the distance and it made for a picturesque setting on the beach, almost  magical. The water was still and calm as we threw one pink rose to sea...

Last month I knew things would be a little busier with the arrival of Lola's newest brother, Finley. Now I know everyone says he looks just like Milo, but there are some pictures where Finn looks just like his big sister. I love these three. We will always be a family of six, my forever family. We purchased a fund a foot at bookworm gardens in Lola's honor of her special day, it will be hung in September and inscribed with "Our Angel, Lola Grace." It is such a child centered spot, full of kids running and playing...a perfect way to celebrate her 5th birthday and give back.

I'm always amazed and grateful for all the kind notes, cards, charity donations in Lola's honor and beautiful orchid we received today. It always warms my heart when she is remembered. Though we will never get the chance to watch her grow here in earth, I'm sure she has an amazing soul- full of love. She's an angel.

I'm about to blow out her candle that has lit up my room in her memory. She is always missed and always near....we love you lola!