125 Months

Every night we pray for Lola. I ask God to let her know we are thinking of her, miss her, and please give her a hug from her mom. I hope this happens, I can almost imagine it. I have this feeling deep in my soul that each day she needs to know someone on earth is thinking of her, even if everyday it is me. That she is never forgotten. People move on, their lives move on...but there is something about loosing a child that never makes you move on. It is tattooed permanently on my heart. When I have a moment of peace in my everyday routine, I tend to think of Lola. Maybe that’s because she’s at peace as well...it is our common meeting ground.

Love,

The mother of an angel

124 Months

It is hard to believe that Christmas is right around the corner. We are into the single digit countdown at our house! I feel like we have checked most of our boxes on our holiday “to do” list, and now I am patiently awaiting for the day to sit in front of Lola’s tree and really enjoy it, slow down a bit. I love her tree. Everything about it is perfect... beautiful, shimmery, and stunning. Just as I imagine her. Though it is Lola’s tree, it also has taken on the role of a “remembrance tree” of others. Those we have lost, friendships, family, and years that have gone by. Each time we place an ornament on the tree I know who gave it to us, sometimes even  the year. It is great to think of my Mom, our grandparents, and even Louie with our special Lola  angel tradition. Holidays are hard, even 10 years later....

I am happy to report, I’m half way through my annual reading of the Christmas Box. I love that story! We also have dropped off our toys at Toys for Tots. Now, I’m just waiting to hear a bell ring....because every time a bell rings an angel gets their wings.

Happy Holidays!

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

123 Months

The past few days have felt like winter has arrived in Florida. It’s a welcomed change! Kids running around outside playing, sweatshirts, hoodies, and long pants. ( these maybe a few of my favorite things! ) There are even a couple houses in our neighborhood that have some Christmas decor displayed in their yards. I started my search for our Lola angel ornament a couple of weeks ago,  and I have come to the conclusion that angels may not be part of the holiday trend this year. In our house they are a Christmas staple! After scouring a few stores and the internet, I came across an angel that I thought would be perfect to add to Lola’s tree. She is a little sparkly, her halo is a clear beautiful  jewel, and the inscription at the bottom reads, “You are my Angel.” She is our angel...Lola Grace Doepke. I can’t wait for Milo to place it on our tree this year.

122 Months

We lit our candle for Lola last night as we participated in the Wave of Light. Finley helped me get out the same candle we have used for the past ten years, and watched as we lit it at exactly 7pm. He wonders why a baby would have to go to heaven, he is so kind hearted and loving.  The candle seemed to light up the room for that hour. Milo announced he was officially in charge of blowing it out at 8pm, he did. Our candle last night was for all the babies that are gone too soon, all the families whose hearts still break. They are never forgotten.

Love,

The Mother of an Angel

121 Months

I quickly glanced at  the pictures stacked on my dresser today. Lola, Milo, Finley...I have some serious memory book pictures to fill in and complete. The Angel Book, The “never- ending” Baby Book, and the Birthday Book. It’s not very often I get to complete my projects in three, for my three children. One day hopefully my boys will share their books with their families, and maybe even Lola’s. I promised myself today I would complete Lola’s book from her tenth birthday, it’s always a difficult task to complete. In fact, it’s one thing I procrastinate on. To gently tuck in her birthday letter, place a memory from the day in the picture pocket, and finally her “birthday gift”  picture.  It’s quite different than writing about Finley’s birthday at Fort Wilderness,  and placing a family photo with Chip and Dale. When they say a “mother wears all different types of hats,” I bet no one ever thought of the role of the Mom who lost her child, and then carries on with her others. These Moms are different and unique, no one will ever understand unless they have walked the walk. It’s a world like no other....

So wish me luck scrapbooking tonight....
Love,
The Mother of an Angel

120 Months-10 years

When the ball dropped on New Year's Eve ringing in 2019, my first thought was Lola would be 10 this year. One decade has passed..

So what would a ten year old want for her birthday? What kind of party or birthday trip would she like? Would she pick out a special birthday outfit to wear today?

I wonder. I imagine. I dream.  I am sad. Truth be told, I am sad everyday without her.

I wish we could celebrate together, I wish her birthday was full of joy instead of sadness.

Today, August 16, 2019 has been  a very stormy and gloomy day. I am not even sure we have seen the sun, but plenty of rain drops have fallen from heaven. For Lola's day, we decided to meet at the beach this morning. It was lightly drizzling, and the waves were  crashing on the shore. Picking up a few tiny seashells to remember this day, we saw bright purple and yellow flowered vines have taken over parts of the beach area. Rain does bring some beauty. Of course, Finley requested to be the official pink rose "thrower" and without much thought we quietly whispered happy birthday. The rose was engulfed by the powerful waves, I had a quick  moment to look up at the gray clouds and sky. The vision that popped in my head was Lola, in my arms with her white hat and pink flower. That is why she always gets a pink rose on her birthday.

In honor of Lola, we purchased a small engraved gold foot that will adorn the fence at Bookworm Gardens. It will read " Happy 10th Birthday Lola!" I think it is perfect for her ten year angelversary. It reminds me of her precious little feet. You have to wonder where those precious little feet would have gone in ten years. One can only wonder... She came into our lives, left footprints on our hearts and we have never been the same.

Happy 10th Birthday Lola.

Love,
The Mother of an Angel

119 Months

It is a month away from Lola’s birthday, or I guess we could call it her angel day. The day she got her wings. I always feel her presence is with us, she is with our family. The last two adventures we have gone on this past month, each one of her brothers found a penny on our trip. I always have to remind the one who didn’t find one first, that there will be another one coming...their penny from heaven. I just think it’s so special for all of us, and it is so neat  for me to see them embrace their Lola penny. It probably is the best treasure yet...at least in my opinion! The littlest things can turn out to be the biggest things, the ones that fill our hearts with the most joy!

Love,
The Mother of an Angel