45 Months

I always think of Lola as that tiny angel in a white hat. Each needle pull done with love from my grandmother's hand, and a carefully orchestrated pink flower attached. Which now our family refers to as a "Lola hat." If I have a special request for my Grandma to make one, all that needs to be said is " one Lola hat please." Unspoken that hat is filled with love, dreams and well wishes. I met a new friend 2.5 years ago at a group called parents place in pacific grove, ca. That group of ladies and instructor taught me so much, it was truly an amazing experience with our babies. I overheard someone talking about how their husband was from Wisconsin and worked in a hotel one class time, sound familiar?...Meeting on a walk past the pacific ocean was our first meet up. I knew we would be good friends. I told her on that first day about Lola. That's just not something I ever do, still to this day... Our friendship grew, our husbands became friends and we always say our boys are bffs. ( it's true, they are!) When I found out the news they were expecting a little girl in May, I was over the moon for them! I knew they needed a Lola hat. Spencer Irene arrived last Thursday. She's beautiful! I enjoy my daily pictures of her. My favorite picture is of course of her in Lola hat. It would make you smile.... I most love that this little girl wore this on her way home from the hospital. It brought tears to my eyes. A little girl finally got to wear that hat home. I don't think Mandy even knows how special that was to me or how much it meant. To her, it could have been a super cute hat to put her in, to me it made my Mother's Day. Plus I've seen another picture of her in it since. Couldn't be happier for this family, spencer and Henry are some lucky kids! I can picture Lola smiling down from Heaven that day too. It's good to heaven's angels watching over us! Hoping everyone had a beautiful Mother's Day! I love JP always signs my mother day card with Lola's name or an angel...love to Lola! - Mother of an Angel

44 months

There are so many times where we have closed a door for the last time...imagine when you shut the door to your home you lived at for years and then as you walked away, that house became a memory. We glimpse back, take a mental picture and our feet keep moving forward.we move on. I feel like I have shut many doors in my life but have also have learned to keep many of those doors open. Who says you can never look back. We have moved 6 times in 11 years. That's a lot of doors I have closed. I also have closed many doors upon this journey that I never thought were in my life plan. I can still envision the hospital doors on the day when I left chomp. Empty arms. Holding back tears. Feeling beyond horrible. Feeling lost. Where would I go from here...how would or could you ever carry on. Lola was gone. I couldn't go back and make things better. I actually felt like I didn't even want to go to our house. I wanted to stay in my hospital room. How could I be with all her things and face her nursery. It made reality even worse. I don't know how but somehow we made it through. But I've never shut that door. I still continue to open doors and move forward on my journey with Lola. .heavens doors opened for her the morning of August 16th, as I felt the world crashing down us that day. This psalm is what helped me carry on... The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me besides quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his names sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, your rod and staff they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of The Lord forever. Psalm 23 Our family is in key west 3.5 years after loosing Lola , besides the quiet and gorgeous water here, he is restoring our souls. Hoping goodness and love will be with us and Lola each day. We have nothing to fear... I think it's a good way to end this blog, with a God Bless And of course love to Lola.

43 Months

I always miss Lola. Everyday, every second, every moment, I can't think of a time when my thoughts don't lead back to her. It's just that something is missing, I have realized I never feel whole. There is a never a day where my heart does not sit in a little sadness or where your mind wanders to how things could be. And then you get angry...it's a cycle. Sometimes I would like to be that little girl who could stomp her foot and say this isn't fair because that is certainly how I feel. It's strange how grieving works, I mean here we are 81 posts, 3.5 years later and I still get mad? There are still days I cling to JP in tears. I keep telling myself, someday it will be okay.... I also though spend a lot of my days in complete joy and amazement of life. Milo, his eyes, laughter and smile will always melt my heart. And then there is Louie, I mean could that little white fluff ball be any cuter or sassier. And then there is JP, hands down the most amazing man I have ever met. I am lucky. I have these beautiful angels on earth. I also have an angel in heaven. It is an amazing family to be a part of. We went swinging at the park a couple days ago. I would say hands down, swinging is the best. Close your eyes, flying in the air and the site of the blue ocean ahead. Milo in the toddler swing & JP and I in the big kid swings. If we could have pumped high enough to heaven maybe we would have... It was all giggles and laughter. Milo thought it was pretty funny his mom and dad could swing too! We got off our swings after quite some time and JP looked down at the ground by his swing and there was a shiny penny. Looks like we had a family day at the park after all. It's pretty special the signs God gives us and lo too. Thanks for swinging with us Lola! Love Always- Your Mom

42 Months

I always think of the month of February as a month of LOVE... Pink hearts, Red roses and of course Hallmark cards! It is fun for us to share and experience it through our children too, watching them exchange small notes, stickers and the excitement of a valentine treat. I am so thankful for these moments we are blessed with. It's the simple and small things we take for granted. Sometimes I feel like I should write down the every day excitement ( frustration too) & joy we get with milo. Valentines day made me look at the playground on Milo's school at all the little 3 year olds running around with bags of special valentines, wondering how it would be with Lola here. You always wonder. A sharp pain that makes you realize the reality of your life. Unfair circumstances or God's way of knowing heaven was her better home. Back to my small and simple moments: Milo found his first penny, all on his own... In which he exclaimed" money mama!" There it was, a shiny penny embedded in the bricks by the ocean at Mallory square. I was excited, tearful and looked up at the sky to say thanks to Lo! It was a great moment. Still love those pennies! Happy " love" month. Love you Lola!

41 months

It is my 16th of the month ritual to write my angel thoughts down in this blog for Lola. It's important, very important and just minutes ago a message kept appearing saying "blogger is having technical difficulties." I may have had a mini panic attack. Thoughts raced through my head that what, just what if I couldn't post today for her. It has in fact become my motherly duty of an angel to do this each month on the exact day she would be 41 months. It made me realize just how important this little blog is to me. It has become my conversation with Lola. It is my way of dealing with this emotional roller coaster. It is my way to grieve, to smile and be angry all at once. The blog is a way for me to remember and continue her legacy. Also my way to show off our little angel, she really has shaped us into the best parents we could ever be...and we are still learning and growing with her by our sides. I know it wouldn't have been the end of the world to blog on the 17th or even the 18th for that... But it has become our tradition. I like to think my little inspiration is smiling down on me or maybe she's reading over my shoulder as I type, maybe she looks forward to these blogging moments too. We can only imagine and dream. Good Night Lola... So glad we could talk tonight. Happy 41 months!!!!!!!

40 Months- holidays 2012

Sitting in the glow of a Christmas tree and a candle, filled with holiday spirit and the smell of that new cut Christmas tree in your home. It reminds me a lot of being a child, don't we miss those carefree, believing in Santa kind of days. Every white light is lit, the angel greets friends and family on our doorstep and we have 58 angels hanging on this years lola angel tree. It's stunning, I love every angel on this tree. I remember where each one is from or where we purchased it. Our new ornament this year resembled a golden fairy angel, whimsical... I know lola loves it. Milo likes to go and touch it, " angel" he says... Today is Lola's great grandfather's funeral. We went to buy a special angel ornament for him... It will always be grandpa heimer's angel. ( & then we had to get one for Lola too). They are in heaven watching over us...the first family member she got to greet at heaven's door. We will miss him dearly, he was a good man with a wonderful soul. I bet lola will be gardening with him in heaven or learning some new tricks. I'm so thankful to my family and grandma for including Lola in his obituary and also setting up a memorial for Bookworm Gardens in remembrance of miss lola grace. For any parent, when your child is remembered it warms your heart. God Bless everyone this holiday season...hopefully when you see an angel this Christmas you will be reminded of the ones we have had had to say good bye to and our now heaven's angels. Love- Lola's mommy

39 months

I had such a good feeling today, the kind where you feel like your heart could explode from your chest. I felt at home. I felt at peace. A monarch butterfly has been outside our house every morning. It's a sign. Life is a mixture of nightmares and fairy tales dreams. Funny how you can live both at the same time. That's exactly how I would describe our life. Pinch me if I am dreaming life in Key West with our family is the best, wake me up from this nightmare that Lola isn't physically here with us. Someday we will all be together...until then we just keep moving forward. That's where life as an angel mom is hard, 3 years later and I'm still learning. I'm still picking up the pieces. I'm still searching for answers. Always cautiously optimistic...we just have to trust their is a plan for all of us. Our hearts will heal, a new day will begin and somehow life goes on with the love of Lola in our hearts. I just have a feeling Lola would say- make it a great day, everyday. Mom of an angel