53 Months

Our lives are ever changing,  sometimes I wish we could just have that moment where time stands still...We could take a big fresh breath of happiness and joy- whatever it maybe on that certain day or time.  I could think of so many of those times I would love to relive- feel it, smell it, be in that moment. Our wedding, a tropical vacation, a summer day at Lake Michigan, an ice cream from the ice cream truck as a kid, a late night coffee meet up with my favorite girls, the day I saw Lola for the first time, hearing Milo's cries and seeing his beautiful smile, Louie's puppy age, Christmas Eve at my grandparents, meeting JP. The list could go on and on, the good times. Thank goodness for the memories, those are our real life treasures. It is the pictures & blogs that help put us back in time...

I know that as the years go on there will certainly be many triumphs, happy moments and maybe even the sad days in our lives. They will come and they will go, we will survive. I feel as if the happy times keep us going and it's learning to see the good in the bad. I'm so grateful to look over my wall at night and see Lola's picture. I love her, I miss her and know there will be more happy times to come but for now I will hold onto my memories.

Love - the mother of an angel

52 Months

It's that time of the year...houses are sparkling with holiday lights, poinsettias are lined up on front porches and Lola's angel tree is lighting up our house. It is in fact my most favorite time of the year! 62 dazzling angels hang from this tree, amazing how the collection has grown through out the years. From angel ornaments that I inherited from my Grandmother to our newest addition this year of a happy little angel girl in a green dress and bright yellow shoes. One glance at this ornament and it does make you smile- it's contagious. Each angel represents Lola's memory and an everyday reminder of what this season should really be about, love. The love we have for our family and friends. The love we have for those that are no longer with us. I feel blessed for these Lola memories we can make each holiday season....

"And I need a little angel sitting on my shoulder." That's exactly what I hope we have, a little Lola watching over us and sitting on our shoulders! "Need a little Christmas now....."

Merry Christmas!

The mother of an angel

51 Months

"It's all about the journey..."
We recently purchased a colorful eclectic key west style tile with this quote on it for a friend leaving the island.  It made me stop and think of the journey of life we go on. The unexpected hurdles, the surprises, endless emotions, milestones and struggles we conquer....all the good and the bad. It is the journey. In this journey we become who we are and become how we will be remembered.

Lola's journey was not what any of us expected. A surprise. A heartache. Now a legacy to me. Her life was my life and she is forever part of our hearts. I guess we never know what will happen tomorrow, months from now or even years..that's not in our hands. But tomorrow when the sunrises over this little island I plan to smile at the sun for Lola, look for a penny and hold the hands of my favorite guys for a walk on the beach. Maybe we can even make a sand angel! Everyday is our journey. It's our moment to make a memory and remember the journeys of those that have passed or maybe those we can't be with everyday.

I love that little girl with all heart!

Mother of Angel

50 Months

I'm participating. I'm a mother on an angel. I read these exact words yesterday for the wave of light and infant loss rememberance day. I love it, describes me to a t! Lighing that candle each year is such a special hour in our lives. It makes you take time out of the craziness of our worlds and reflect on what is truly important. I put Lola's candle outside on our veranda, the sky was dark, the moon was shining. It was a gorgeous island night. But then in the midst of all that darkness there was one little candle for Lola, flickering a soft yellow glow, while the palm trees were swaying in the wind. Peaceful is the word that comes to mind... after all isn't peace what we are all searching for? The moment when you feel content, the moment where you can take a deep breath and smile- because maybe, just maybe for that exact moment everything is okay. That is how I felt last night. Lola times are the best. I also spent that hour putting pictures, letters and momentums in her special book from the past few months. I started paging from the beginning looking at all those beautiful photos of her, all the quotes that at one time captured our feelings. I saw features of Lola in Milo. I laughed at pictures of Louie over the last 4 years... so even in times of sadness and such loss, maybe we start to see some good too. I always say someday I will have all the answers...and boy when I meet God, we have a lot to discuss :)!!!! We have learned a lot since Lola passed and we are still learning. "You were here for a moment...but left a lifetime of love." So true, I think there were a lot of candles burning for Miss Lola. Love, A mother of angel

49 Months

Going back and visiting the Monterey area, will always be our special family spot. It was great to be back last week, beautiful scenery, good friends and a place that will forever hold a piece of our hearts. It's like a walk down memory lane with Lola. The view of the Pacific Ocean and the huge waves crashing on the shores in PG. Picking up tiny seashells and vivid sea glass. Visiting the church and gardens in Carmel. Looking at the koi fish in the hospital lobby. It is all Lola or part of our healing journey... When we walked up to "lolas's special church" I decided to venture in the gardens first. The flowers, hidden angels and small benches just make you feel almost at home. I was delightfully surprised when I approached the area where over a year ago I left a plaque on Lola's 3rd birthday, our last day in Carmel. It is still there. Untouched. Perfect. It was almost as if it was there waiting for us to come back and visit. It was that Lola moment that takes your breath away and tears swell your eyes. It reads: Faith to light up the darkened sky, strength to carry on, love to touch and heal the soul, hope to grace the dawn. Amazing. We miss Lola. I hope in future visits to see that plaque again... We found one penny on our trip. It was great to be back. Love- the mother of an angel

48 Months

The day has arrived, 4 years later here we are. It's Lola's birthday. I have thought a lot the last few weeks about this journey, the one where you are trying to discover your role and who you are. Life could never be the same without Lola Grace. So now maybe 4 years later maybe I should reintroduce myself. I have become a different wife, mother, daughter, and friend. I try not to dwell on life's fixable moments. I try to live in the moment. I worry a lot. I smile. I love sunsets. I love seeing a butterfly in my yard. I cry. I blog. I plant white flowers in all my pots in memory of Lola and angels. I say I love you Lola out loud every night. I cringe when people ask me if milo is my only one. I love to be organized. I collect angel ornaments. I love finding pennies from heaven. I am more grateful. I am hopeful. I pray a lot. I love taking pictures. I sit in the church once a week to check in with God and Lola. I dream again. I love. I am happy. I am sad. I don't believe in happily ever afters. I try to live my life with "grace" in my heart. I adore life. I am forever incomplete. I have learned our life will always be a mix of a million emotions. There are good days, bad days and days where I wish all the tears could bring her back to us. I have accepted this is God's plan. So today I also chose to celebrate her memory and know what an inspiration she is to me. Our annual Lola traditions of four balloons to heaven journeyed through the Florida Keys, One pink rose drifted out to sea and A candle lit at the church glowed in her honor. Four pennies were dropped into the fountain and happy birthday song was sung as we listened to the ocean and smiled at the sun peeking out of the clouds. Our donation this year for Lola was to the Florida Keys Animal Shelter. It honors not only Lola but the extreme dedication and love of our little dog Louie. He seemed to be our number one support team after we lost Lola. He is truly a blessing in our lives. Milo had the best time picking out fun dog toys and supplies-he was so excited to celebrate this day. My favorite moment was seeing him wave good bye to Lola's balloons. Maybe he just knows... Happy Birthday Lola. Thank you for remembering this beautiful angel! Make every moment count. Love, Mother of an Angel

47 Months

It's hard to believe that in exactly one month from today Lola will be 4...instead of party planning or picking out the perfect gift, I'm left thinking what and where we will or can donate something that would make her proud and that she be remembered by. It is on the top of my list. To me it seems a little distant not to be in Carmel, a little out of sorts. It has most definitely been a year of change so another change we will adapt to. I thought today about a special visit during my trip to Sheboygan. To my grandfathers grave. My family keeps it very beautiful with garden flowers adorning it, little love and angel statues and Milo's newest addition of a pinwheel. Aren't cemeteries the most interesting places, at least I think that....Some graves kept up, others not, some stones are freshly engraved, others so old you can barley make out the wording. It makes you wonder what everyone that lays there story is. Right across from my grandpas grave, is the children section. In most cases not even children, but babies that have a name and one date. Just like Lola. I found myself strolling down the way reading each name carefully, each date. Loving daughter, forever missed, in our hearts forever...I guess I'm not so alone. i was so sad for all those babies and their families. My Mom thinks it is very neat someone took the time to build these white little picket fences with bible verses on them at many of the infant's graves. They are not forgotten. Their mom's would smile. We never buried Lola. JP says the first one who passes should be buried with her ashes. I like that choice. JP found a penny today and then saw a rainbow. Double the Lola signs. It's nice as we move forward into a sad month for us... Lola Grace Doepke August 16, 2009